Talk about deterrents. Showing zero tolerance for some of the more colorful inhabitants who insist upon haunting the deep and dark recesses of Berlin’s massive subway system (loonies, bag ladies, undercover ticket control personnel etc.), the BVG has announced that it will begin pumping in unhealthy amounts of classical music and Italian operettas underground in an attempt to smoke out the poor, harmless devils.

The diabolical plan, not hatched here for once, has proven to be very effective in other German cities like Hamburg and so they just had to give it a try here, too (that all it did was drive the Hamburg loonies, bag ladies and underground ticket control personnel over to our system is a little-known fact, so obviously none of the smart guys have thought this thing through yet). Where all of these countless freaks will head to next once they crank up the Verdi here is anybody’s guess.

Scientific tests have proven that prolonged exposure to highbrow music, difficult enough for most highbrow types to tolerate, practically always puts lowbrow or “Normalo” types to flight.

“We’re going to start out with two hours of Rigoletto a day,” said a masked BVG spokeswoman with scrambled voice from inside her bulletproof glass box. “If that doesn’t do the trick, we’ll double it to four. And then we can always escalate to Mozart. Of course if ever have to pull out the big guns, we keep our Wagner CDs locked away in that red safe over there.”

Why does this remind me of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

Come visit me at Observing Hermann…

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