In a move many here are calling as despicable as the infamous Hitler-Stalin Pact, Tom Cruise has been honored with Germany’s prestigious Bambi Award for something called his “willingness to undertake brave projects”. That Tom Cruise would even be willing to show himself in public in Germany certainly proves this risk-taking willingness of his, but that Germans are suddenly prepared to celebrate someone whom they have systematically depicted as being the devil incarnate up until now makes experts wonder what is really behind this bizarre award pact.

“They’re obviously just lulling us to sleep,” claimed one un-named German filmmaker just before leaving the country. “Just because the Bambi comes with stipulations for non-aggression between German socialite film puke types and Tom Cruise doesn’t mean that there aren’t any secret protocols in there. I think they’re planning to divide up independent neighboring countries into their respective spheres of influence for cultural domination or maybe even entertainment occupation. I wouldn’t want to be living in Poland right now, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

Cruise refused to comment on these allegations, preferring to grin idiotically as usual and point out his wife’s new hairstyle instead. When asked about his recent ban in Berlin from shooting his latest film (Valkyrie, the story of German Colonel Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg who led an unsuccessful plot to assassinate Adolf Hilter), Cruise just kept grinning and said “There won’t be any bans anymore.”

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