Compelled by what appeared to be some eerie and irresistible form of telepathic force, a glassy-eyed spokesman for the German Defense Ministry announced yesterday that despite recent reports to the contrary, his organization has no opposition to the filming of Tom Cruise’s upcoming thriller “Valkyrie” at German military sites. “And for that matter,” he added. “No other force in the universe can oppose it, either.”

In monotone, robot-like fashion, the nameless spokesman denied having any reservations about Tom Cruise’s involvement in the Church of Scientology, choosing instead to drool upon his uniform and say that he was very happy how “any apparent misunderstandings surrounding the production are clearing up, with an emphasis on the word ‘clear’ here, people.”

Upon news of the announcement, countless already nervous Germans (climate change, terrorism, higher beer prices etc.) began ordering huge numbers of pre-fabricated backyard Gartenschutzräume (“panic rooms”) in the vain hope of fending off any further Tom-Cruise-filming-his-stupid-movie-in-Germany news reports or announcements or gar (even) possible telepathic attacks. Luckily for them, the German Federal Disaster Relief Office had just approved the shelters before the latest Cruise announcement, following four years of rigorous testing, versteht sich (of course).

Tom Cruise could not be reached for comment but a small voice inside my head sounding a whole lot like his German synchronized one keeps telling me again and again that “this decision is good”, “this decision is good”.

Come visit me at Observing Hermann…

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