As a journalist I should be numb to everything, the world is a strange, and often bad place. However, I have discovered that even the silliest of stories can indeed take an even sillier direction. Tiger Woods has dug a little hole for himself, and his ‘friends’ are digging it deeper.

The tabloids will likely label him ‘The Stud’, or ‘The Pressure Treated Lumber’. It is clear though that Tiger does have a bit of a problem keeping his driver in his golf bag! At the last count, some 15 women have come forward as being his mistress at one time or another.

While most golfers view the term ‘The Nineteenth Hole’ as a reference to the clubhouse bar, Tiger obviously had a different ‘hole’ in mind.

While I do not, nor will not, support his activities, I am apalled by some that will. Here is a press release I received today:

Outfit of Rachel Uchitel, the 1st alleged mistress Tiger Woods to be auctioned off !!

A New York City nightclub owner has the VIP Hostess outfit of Rachel Uchitel, the 1st alleged mistress of superstar golf player Tiger Woods. Club owner JE Englebert will announce a press conference soon showing off the garment and announcing his plan to auction it off on to donate the funds to a domestic abuse charity. “When Woods and his wife decided to go clubbing at 230am in the morning this turned into domestic abuse”  ”They apparently couldn’t decide between using the wood (tree) or the iron (fire hydrant)” says Englebert. Englebert received the garments from one of his waitresses who want’s to keep anonymous whom worked with Rachel at TAO Las Vegas where Rachel was a VIP hostesses. Reports state that Rachel Uchitel was offered hush money from the Woods camp to keep quiet about her affair in the amount, between $1 and $3 million dollars.
Sorry, but I did cut the contact email name out. It is a PR company, all I can say is ‘What a bunch of idiots’! Who in their right mind would take this project? Who in their right mind would get behind it?

One thing is clear, the so called ‘hush money’ is now off the table. I have been pretty neutral about Tiger Woods, I don’t do golf, so his endorements for golf related products are just a waste of time. Of course there is a silver lining for Tiger, maybe other advertisers will pick him up. I could see “Put a Tiger in your Trojan”, this would obviously be a historical documentary. Or maybe they might re-invent the 1960’s Brit TV ad ‘Put A Tiger in your tank’. This ad campain was hugely sucessful, in fact when you filled up at an ESSO station they gave you a pretend Tiger tail that you could attach to your radio antenae. It was a huge hit! Maybe a flying Tiger appendage could work? The faster you go, the larger it becomes?

I hold no grievance with Tiger Woods, what he does is obviouly his own bussiness. I am merely offering some ideas that might fill the hole that is left in his advertising contracts.

Simon Barrett

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