As a journalist I should be numb to everything, the world is a strange, and often bad place. However, I have discovered that even the silliest of stories can indeed take an even sillier direction. Tiger Woods has dug a little hole for himself, and his ‘friends’ are digging it deeper.
The tabloids will likely label him ‘The Stud’, or ‘The Pressure Treated Lumber’. It is clear though that Tiger does have a bit of a problem keeping his driver in his golf bag! At the last count, some 15 women have come forward as being his mistress at one time or another.
While most golfers view the term ‘The Nineteenth Hole’ as a reference to the clubhouse bar, Tiger obviously had a different ‘hole’ in mind.
While I do not, nor will not, support his activities, I am apalled by some that will. Here is a press release I received today:
Outfit of Rachel Uchitel, the 1st alleged mistress Tiger Woods to be auctioned off !!
A New York City nightclub owner has the VIP Hostess outfit of Rachel Uchitel, the 1st alleged mistress of superstar golf player Tiger Woods. Club owner JE Englebert will announce a press conference soon showing off the garment and announcing his plan to auction it off on Ebay.com to donate the funds to a domestic abuse charity. “When Woods and his wife decided to go clubbing at 230am in the morning this turned into domestic abuseâ€Â â€They apparently couldn’t decide between using the wood (tree) or the iron (fire hydrant)†says Englebert. Englebert received the garments from one of his waitresses who want’s to keep anonymous whom worked with Rachel at TAO Las Vegas where Rachel was a VIP hostesses. Reports state that Rachel Uchitel was offered hush money from the Woods camp to keep quiet about her affair in the amount, between $1 and $3 million dollars.
Sorry, but I did cut the contact email name out. It is a PR company, all I can say is ‘What a bunch of idiots’! Who in their right mind would take this project? Who in their right mind would get behind it?
One thing is clear, the so called ‘hush money’ is now off the table. I have been pretty neutral about Tiger Woods, I don’t do golf, so his endorements for golf related products are just a waste of time. Of course there is a silver lining for Tiger, maybe other advertisers will pick him up. I could see “Put a Tiger in your Trojanâ€, this would obviously be a historical documentary. Or maybe they might re-invent the 1960’s Brit TV ad ‘Put A Tiger in your tank’. This ad campain was hugely sucessful, in fact when you filled up at an ESSO station they gave you a pretend Tiger tail that you could attach to your radio antenae. It was a huge hit! Maybe a flying Tiger appendage could work? The faster you go, the larger it becomes?
I hold no grievance with Tiger Woods, what he does is obviouly his own bussiness. I am merely offering some ideas that might fill the hole that is left in his advertising contracts.
Simon Barrett
10 users commented in " Tiger Woods – The Jackals Abound "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackWhat’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan? Both cheated on their wives with numerous women. They both had squeaky clean immages. MJ’s indiscretions were kept hush hush, but Tiger’s blew up. The car accident and cover up didn’t help.
there are many that you could add to list. Infidelity seems to have become the norm for many of life’s rich and famous. It is unfortunate that they feel the need to stray, and even more unfortunate that so many of the ‘victims’ come forward willing to ‘sell’ their stories.
For years my wife has watched the escapades on Jerry Springer, and they are indeed humorous in a strange way. Alas the humor peels away like layers of an onion. The deeper you go, the more you want to cry.
Simon, Esso was not founded by the British. My Grandfather was the CEO of ESSO until he passed away. Tiger in your tank..is American..Not British.
History
In 1911, Standard Oil was broken up into seven regional companies, each with the rights to the brand “Standard” in certain states (plus a number of other companies that had no territorial rights). Standard Oil of New Jersey (“Jersey Standard”) had the rights in that state, plus in Maryland, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and the District of Columbia. By 1941, it had also acquired the rights in Pennsylvania, Delaware, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Louisiana. In those states, it marketed its products under the brand “Esso”, the phonetic pronunciation of the letters “S” and “O”. It also used the Esso brand in New York and the six New England states, where the Standard Oil Company of New York (Socony – Vacuum, later Socony – Mobil)) had the rights, but did not object to the New Jersey company’s use of the trademark (the two companies did not merge until 1998). However, in the other states, the other Standard Oil companies objected and forced Jersey Standard to use other brand names. In most states the company used the trademark “Enco”, and in a few “Humble”. The other Standard companies likewise were “Standard” or some variant on that in their home states, and another brand name in other states.
This situation was confusing to travelers. In 1973, Standard Oil of New Jersey renamed itself as the Exxon Corporation, and adopted that trademark throughout the country. It however maintained the rights to “Standard” and “Esso” in the states where it held those rights, by a token effort, by selling “Esso Diesel” in those states at stations that sell diesel fuel, thus preventing the trademark from being declared abandoned. It retained the “Esso” brand in Puerto Rico and the United States Virgin Islands until 2008, when it sold its stations there to Total S.A.[1] The ENCO brand name was still used on locations in the Midwest, which were scheduled for abandonment.[2]
You are confusing the two:
United Kingdom
[edit] Esso Blue
Esso Blue was the brand name of Esso’s paraffin oil (kerosene) for domestic heaters in countries such as the United Kingdom. Their TV advertising song from the 1950s through to the 1970s was the famous “Bom, Bom, Bom, Bom, Esso Blue!” A later campaign used the well-known song tune of “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” cleverly reworded as:
“They asked me how I knew, it was Esso Blue, I of course replied, with lower grades one buys, smoke gets in your eyes. … The non-smoking paraffin”.
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I really love this article. Your golfing metaphors are hilarious.
Tiger needs to be held accountable on the charges of DUI and perscription drugs in his system at the time of his accident. Celebrities need to be treated and face the same punishments as your everyday citizen. Granted their private life would not be exposed to the world.
when you play you pay! Tiger I feel understands this all too well by now.
Simon – thank you SO much for the humor of this article. I’ll be giggling over this one for quite some time. I for one am glad Tiger got caught! I hope his wife takes him to the cleaners! It makes me sick that these mistresses are going to get rich off of this too! They are nothing but prostitutes selling themselves and their story to the highest bidder. “VIP Hostess”? Does that stand for Very Important Prostitute? If Tiger weren’t rich and famous these women wouldn’t have had anything to do with him. They sold themselves to the devil. Now they can all rot in hell. My prayers are with his wife and children. They didn’t deserve this and they will have to live with Tiger’s mistakes the rest of their lives! I’m so sick of celebrity entitlement. They think they can do whatever they want. If he hadn’t hid behind this squeaky clean image this story wouldn’t have taken on a life of its own. He fooled people, lied and cheated. Anything he gets (or loses) he deserves! Golf is supposedly a gentlemen’s sport and Tiger is NO gentleman!
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I really loved Tiger Woods, and not just because he plays golf really well, but because I thought he was nice and honest. If he would have just came clean about the rumors the first go around – I would have a little sympathy for him. Liars and cheaters are a disgrace, IMO.
BTW, Simon, your last two articles regarding TW are great! I love your humor.
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