I felt it incumbent on me to make the rest of the world sit up and take note of South Africa. Every South African grumble about the fact that if a politician does not “get laid or paid” (bribed) then it’s just not newsworthy enough. Democracy,  bless it, brought with it quite a bit of confusion when finally introduced in South Africa. And some newspapers are totally confused with the term “freedom of speech.” For some unbeknownst reason, some newspapers see this as an opportunity to publish their online editions hours late. This largely contributes to the indifference of the rest of the world. Hell, sometimes they don’t even publish the Saturday edition at all. When questioned about this practise they then act like spoilt brats who did not hand in their homework assignment on time.

Hey! You lot. Freedom of speech does not give you the right to shut up. You are part of the media for God’s sake and thus “ambassadors” of South Africa. Get that into your skulls before you complain and throw your toys out of the cot. Asking an author for a copy of his book for review purposes and then not doing the review also amounts to theft but I will cover that in a later post.

I intend to post current news events and happenings in South Africa on a regular basis.

Before I can start with news emanating from the southern tip of the continent I need to guide the readers through the events that’s led up to the current set of circumstances. To be able to do this I will cover two distinct timeframes; 1652 to 1994 and 1994 to date. History will be compressed as to accommodate it on one page and in some instances time will even stand still as some individuals like Jacob Zuma (the current Deputy President) does not seem to have evolved at all.

1652 to 1994

In 1652 Jan van Riebeeck landed in the Cape. The very first Hottentot that witnessed this historic event immediately started cultivating a wild plant called cannabis for prosperity. Thus the drug wars that rage to date on the Cape Flats started. It also explains why most of the drug cartels are run by the coloured people.
The Dutch settlers could not keep their hands off the females of the Hottentot and Malay slaves so merrily transferred to South Africa. This led to two distinct historic events:

Cape Town still remains the prostitute capitol of the world.
A whole new ethnic group was formed; the coloured people. Alas, they now see themselves as not being black enough for promotion in the new South Africa. In days if old they were not white enough so it’s a no win situation.

The Dutch were deeply ashamed of their “nocturnal” activities and hid this behind a façade of Christianity which in turn led to the formation of a tribe of Bible punching zealots called Boers that somehow managed to find the motivation for all their actions in the Scriptures. They could even claim that they were the lost tribe of Israel and that inter-racial sex was frowned upon by God Himself.

This group of people decided to establish themselves as an entity, built on the corpses of other ethnic groups. They were in turn pissed off by the blacks, the British, the blacks, the Jews, the blacks, the Communists, the blacks and the rest of the civilised world. As it turned out they, in the end had, to focus all of their hate on the blacks alone.

It should also be known that even though South Africa fought for the Allies during WW2, half of their (white) numbers sided with Hitler, something that nearly led to civil war. The Boers ruled with an iron fist until 1994 and for some inexplicable reason some of their kind are actually still very proud of this heritage. They had a President who proclaimed that the world was flat so maybe one shouldn’t be too surprised.
They have beer boeps (a.k.a. shelters for seldom used tools) and short fuses. They are fond of rugby, weapons, the missionary position, the death penalty and secret societies (in no order of priority). The males, as a rule, experience only but one human emotion; that of extreme anger, sometime measuring in the excess of 6 on the Richter scale.

They have one common factor to complain about at last. They are now the minority. They have always been but the penny only dropped now. No sane South African will ever invest in cosmetic dental care. Why bother? You have a 95% chance of loosing all of your carefully looked after teeth in one silly bar-room argument. In 1990 their military leaders started planning for a coup because politicians (if somewhat reluctantly) decided it was time to start treating black people as human beings. Fortunately, these troglodytes were exposed by people like me and South Africa enjoyed its first democratic elections in 1994.

That is all anyone needs to know about South Africa from 1652 to 1994.

The period 1994 to date will be covered later.

Gerrie Hugo is a South African living in Sweden who considers polka dot suspenders with a belt and matching clip-on bow-tie the height of fashion. Visit his Blog: http://gerthugo.blogspot.com/

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