Some bullies use their strong emotions to become the center of attention, take control and coerce or manipulate other people to give in and do what the emotional bully wants.
Children throwing fits are practicing and learning if that tactic works. Adult masters of emotional bullying are effective with spouses, partners, friends, extended families and at work. Some bullies are especially effective in places where other people’s politeness keeps them from stopping the bullying – like at parent groups, reading clubs and parent-teacher meetings.
These “Drama Queens†and their male counterparts have strong emotions and over-the-top reactions. They come in many forms. For example:
- No matter how trivial the problem at school, Claire’s daughter was never at fault. If Claire’s child didn’t get the special treatment she wanted, or if her child was marked down for not completing an assignment or for misbehaving, or if her child wasn’t the first or the most successful, Claire threw a fit. In public, she yelled at other children or at teachers and the principal. She threatened law suits. Pretty soon, teachers allowed her spoiled, bratty child to bully other children.
- James had three young children, but he was always the center of attention. If he didn’t get waited on instantly or was asked to do something that interfered with his personal plans or comfort, his constant irritation blew up into outrage and anger. He yelled at his wife and the kids. He blamed them for disturbing him and punished them in nasty ways for days. Usually he was allowed to do anything he wanted and was rarely asked to help. His wife said, behind his back, that it was like having a giant kid in the house.
- In the workplace, Tracy ranted in her office, but never followed through with her threats or promises. She moved on to turn the next problem she saw into a catastrophe. But once she’d blown up at you, no amount of good performance would get you out off her “bad†list. She’d sabotage you without telling you why. Pretty soon, everyone did exactly what she wanted. They didn’t want scenes and they didn’t want Tracy to stab them in the back.
- Charlie was a lousy friend, but everyone was afraid to tell him. He was always late, took up the whole time talking about himself and needed everyone to help him do what he said he “needed†to do. He borrowed but never returned, he never had money to cover his share of activities and all the fun had to wait until he arrived. If anyone wouldn’t wait or tried to stop his narcissistic speeches or wouldn’t give him what he wanted, his feelings were hurt. He was crushed, incensed and ranted for hours; he never let go of a perceived slight. Of course, it was just easier to give and go along rather than to offend him.
Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits. They:
- Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt. They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
- They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
- Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks. They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
- Take over every situation or group. They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world. Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
- Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real†person. They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless. To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.
Unless we stop them, we end up walking on egg shells and deferring to them. Their likes and dislikes rule. Pretty soon they’re in charge.
Drama Queens increase everyone’s anxiety, stress and depression. Most people mistakenly accept the blame for triggering the Drama Queen. They also create chaos. Their hyperactive, panicky, adrenaline-rush is addictive and contagious. Soon, everyone is on edge and ready to blow up at the slightest provocation.
Logic won’t change them. And you won’t cure them. Their tactics have made them successful since childhood. Only a devastating comeuppance or years of intensive therapy or coaching have a chance of changing that style.
When possible, vote Drama Queens off your island. You’ll need carefully planned tactics if they’re in your extended family or live on your block and their kids are friends with yours. At work, try to document activities that destroy teamwork or are clearly illegal. You won’t get anywhere if you want the big bosses to act because the Drama Queen hurt your feelings.
If the Drama Queen or King is your spouse, I’m sorry. You’ll have to demand behavioral change while you prepare to move on. Usually, they won’t grow up and learn a new style unless they have to. They’d even rather get a divorce and blame you than change their style. Drama Queens are addicted to their habit – knowing that they’re the center of the universe – and need repeated fixes.
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Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,†“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids†and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.†He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
4 users commented in " Stop Drama Queens and Other Emotional Bullies "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackLike a lot of Military spouses who demand to be the center of attention. Does that make sense? Seems to be the same scenario….the ever so favorite and endearing “entitlement” syndrome!!
Would you say this is the same thing as a person who uses the standard excuse of “If I don’t do it, no one will…” or the similar act of the martyr because they are the only ones who can fix everything and get things done!! (ugghhh, poor pity me)
Don’t do something if it isn’t out of the goodness of your heart, and you expect accolades. If you really want to do good deeds for others, then that is a trophy in itself. Don’t do favors or chores if in the end your goal is to PROVE that you are the saving factor in what makes the household run!!! Example: Wow, thank goodness YOU did the laundry, if it wasn’t for YOU, it never would have been done!!!
Ok, so now I’m gagging!!! But it is true. Not only are these types drama queens, they are what I call people who “steal other peoples thunder”…..No matter what, everything goes back to them, because THEY are the ONLY ones who can fix every problem, every time, at any cost….Yeah!!Except they shove your face in it when they are done!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Oh forgot to say, I call them “mantrums.”
Truly though, I can’t help but adore the ones like I mentioned…they are a product of the military, and they are programmed to be that way…if it weren’t for that attitude, our country would not be free….It takes a lot of patience and understanding to realize that these men are gate keepers, watchers, and sentries of their loved ones…and yes, they want their accolades and trophies…they deserve it…I just make chocolate chip cookies!!! (after I say wow dear, you cleaned the towels SO MUCH BETTER than I EVER DID!!)
These type personalities(Drama Queens) show up in some bloggers.I know i had been blogging on a site for a while,an one woman,an spouse came on.I had never seen the person there before.She was a old blogger.Right away,she startted attacking me.I tried to aviod her,then her now i know to be husband,even came on a threatened me.LOL i was appauled at the behavior,of grown people,in a public setting.Even though,we cant see each other.Theres such a thing as being curtious,or even decent,to your fellow bloggers.I was shocked,because where i had been blogging at for over a yr,before checking this last site out.It just wasnt allowed for people to speak to others in that manner,if they did they were warned,an then went poof.
I know i would have hated to have to work,or live with this /these people.Everything was major to them.Oh well so much for cyber bullies lol thanks for your report on Drama Queens,an bullies.Its happening everywhere now days.An thats a shame.
Interesting blog, unfortunately someone used it to disparage someone that isn’t a drama queen. Instead the husband is the one who controls, freaks out, yells..and desperately needs some help.I guess he would be the male equivalent of the drama queen. Then a friend of his who didn’t know the situation decided this person was like this because she wouldn’t take his friends abuse. She had the battered wife syndrome before but Thank God she knew where to stand firm in her boundaries and not take some guy dominating her and her children.
Her kids were so afraid of this guy that they slept with the light on.The hadn’t done that for years. He was a jekyl and hyde..really sweet for the first year he knew her and once they got married and he moved her into his territory he turned into the devil. Complete control, wouldn’t let her have any money, or put the dishes in the dishwasher cause she might not do it right. She tried planting flowers and he was hovering over her telling her where to plant them.She put up holiday decorations he took them down because he didnt think it was quite time for that season yet.On and on ..Decided he was gonna shape up her kids..who have already experienced harse violent men.. I am sorry but this drama queen thing gets used too often by men as a way to not actually work on the relationship. It gets the spotlight off of men who hate women in the first place, and gives them an excuse to tell their friends rather than man up and get some help.
Perhaps this friend who shared your blog as a comparison of my friend doesn’t realize he’s got it backward..as i said, his friend is a Jekyl and Hyde..But my friend cared enough about this guy to try and get him some help and counseling.she was gonna try and work on the relationship , she actually cares and worries about him….he was hiding guns and all kinds of bizarre behavior.accused her of stealing money..so ridiculous..It was almost like emotional abuse once he married her..has her trapped out in the country, won’t allow her even any cash and only goes shopping for groceries once..yells at her kids and demands they act like they are in the army with inspections every night. Thank God she got away from that..she only had gone away for awhile to think and pray on what to do.. but then he shows up with a very abusive friend and dumps all her furniture given her by friends on her driveway..and breaks it, sells her sleigh bed worth lots of money for 80.00 without asking , won’t give her back her computer..They had sold her washer , dryer, refrigerator because she was leaving her home and moving down with him.. Well guess what? she has no washer dryer or frig and 3 kids with the broken furniture.
Completely bites the hand that fed him kindness, all the past 30 years..her parents..and he wasn’t even man enough to face her himself, he brought along a vicious revengeful cruel drama queen man to help dump her stuff in front of her children. Yipes…well the guy who held this guys hand and participated in this outrageous behavior,doesn’t know God..but this husband professes too..there was nothing Christian about this man and how he treated my friend. I will pray for both these guys my friend’s husband and his friend because they are both very sick men and need to really get God’s help. Oh well..just in case any of you other folks are thinking of not taking rrewsponsibility for your part and calling your wife a drama queen. Peace.
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