In a press conference shocking constituents and opponents alike, President Bush announced today that he is now a proponent of stem cell research. Bush declared, “My eyes have been open to both the need and the—ah—ah—um—ah—um—ah—um—um—ah—the—ah—ah—provantages of stem cell research.”

Opponents responded in disbelief. Others added a need to be wary of his intentions. What’s driving this sudden change of heart and policy? I’m pleased with the change in position, but I think we need to be somewhat skeptical of the driving force behind it. I don’t believe this is coming without a cost.” Former president Clinton responded, “I for one am very pleased. This is promising encouragement for the scientific community and hopefully they’ll be able to move forward quickly.”

President Bush’s constituents were furious. “This is more outrageous than Michael Richard’s rant in public. I can no longer call myself a Bush supporter,” remarked Bush’s former housekeeper. The announcement has caused a huge ripple effect across government.

When probed further by reporters, Bush stated that he realized stem cell research was important after recognizing that it will probably be difficult to grow the U.S. military to the number of troops he will need to fight the number of wars he has planned. “We need a military communitarium,” the president stated. In Bush’s vision, soldiers wounded in battle would simply have parts replaced and be sent back to the line. “If a soldier loses an arm,” he said, “we could just re-grow one using stem cells and send him back into battle. One soldier could be hurt like 12-14 times before becoming useless or dead.” When the President was asked if he thought that was unfair to soldiers and might create low moral, he said, “Heck no. I think it’s cool to . . . to . . . to re-grow an arm. It’s better than armlessness. This will make our guys fight harder. They’ll go into battle knowing they can get all shot up and get things replaced, like a car going to a mechanic. So they’ll fight harder, not less harder. This is good for us. It’s what the American people want.”

“Why do you say the American people want this?” asked one reporter.

“They elected me. This is the decision I’ve made. So, it stands to reason they want it. I mean really, that’s a no brainer.”

Bush promises to look into the benefits that cloning might have for the military, as well. “I saw that movie with the Jedi and those guys, where they cloned an army. That’s good thinking,” the president commented.


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