I am a big fan of cooking. Of course like most guys I view the success of a meal not only by taste and presentation but how much damage I can inflict on the kitchen. Success is measured by the amount of dirty dishes randomly scattered on the counters, (well the double sink fills up too quickly!).
I am a fan of knives, a good sharp knife or five, is a must have. Knives are inherently dangerous, it is simple to go from carving roast beef to slicing off a hunk of hand stew. Equally dangerous is a little stick blender that I have, it looks like a grown up version of a nose hair trimmer. I have long since lost the instruction sheet but I am pretty certain that using it for trimming nose hairs is discouraged. In fact I suspect you would need a full nose replacement if you tried it.
I had thought that I had found the wickedest kitchen implements, but I was wrong. My wife Jan found the ultimate addition to my collection of lethal weapons that do not require a license to own or operate, anyone can buy one! Many years ago I got wind of the ultimate kitchen maiming device. The Mandoline. A couple of years ago I acquired one, but it was just a cheap plastic thing that lost my interest when I had problems slicing a cucumber.
Jan however has rekindled my interest in lethal devices in the kitchen, I am now the proud owner of a professional grade Mandoline. This beast would chop your pinky finger off as soon as say hello!
Even the Instruction Leaflet is enough to make you run away. Most of it is a list of things not to do. Do not use without the ‘pusher’. Do not operate if under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If cleaning the blade wearing really, really thick gloves are recommended. It also suggests that the device should not be left unattended. They talk about children, but I suspect that warning likely should include adults as well.
It is not written on the list, but I think it likely would be dangerous to operate it naked. It is a solid piece of stainless steel, but if for some reason it fell off the counter while naked, well, OUCH is all I have to say!
Simon Barrett – The guy who counts his digits after playing the Mandoline
3 users commented in " Scary Kitchen Implements The Mandolin "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackThanks for giving me my new word for the day Simon. I’ve never heard of a Mondoline. Mandolin yes, which had me wondering if you also serenaded your bride after you served up a meal 🙂
I think some guys are all alike. My hubby also has a fondness for kitchen gadgets that he always covers by saying: ‘I bought it for you because I thought you’d like it’- We have one of these Mandolines-One of these multiblade that you can change out jobbers for fancifying slicing whatever including possible digits, bet it could slice wiring if given the chance. I look around at my kitchen sometimes and wonder how I ever got through my younger life without these wonderful contraptions; GT 101 so we can have a nice slice of cake in ONLY 7 minutes, A Set It and Forget It, Crockpot, Juicer for the days you want to be healthy, 2 complete sets of cutting knives because one is never quite sure if you need just a paring knife or a knife that fillets or one that resembles a cleaver that chops onions A La Julia Child, then the actual chopper, open it up, put vegetable of choice on the grate and slam down the top, Viola! perfectly chopped veggies and then like you said, the invincable whizbang hand wand mixer-This kitchen wonder not only liquifies things like split peas for a fantastic soup, but also helps to colorize your kitchen walls whether you want it or not-One slip and you have mastered the Picasso real food art class.
Thanks for this great article, Simon. I’m glad to know my husband isn’t the only one who has to drag every kitchn contraption out to make a cooking statement. LOL!
Just wanted to add that hubby now has his eye on one of those huge round thing-a-ma-bobs for speeding up the cooking process even more, by throwing actual frozen food in it, including a turkey, to cook at lighting speed, it can sit proudly on my counter, right next to the 7 layer dehydrator-I’m sure glad I have a large kitchen otherwise I’d really be SOL!. Maybe now I’ll get my dream and just chuck out the stove and set in it’s place a really cool ’50’s style jukebox-Why not! Won’t need a stove anymore with all these implements, right?
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