In what the White House is calling “poetic justice,” Russia’s President Vladimir Putin yesterday ate a handful of rat poison and washed it down with a gallon of antifreeze in an apparent attempt to assassinate himself.

Alert security forces responsible for the president’s safety wrestled him to the ground and rushed him to a local Moscow hospital, where Mr. Putin’s stomach was pumped and an I.V. was administered.

The Kremlin furiously denies the charges.

Hours later, all guards and medical personnel responsible for opposing and thwarting Putin’s plan died mysteriously after consuming fig bars and chocolate cupcakes in the waiting room.

Early indications are that the snacks were laced with massive doses of dioxin, although Kremlin spokesmen declared that the deaths were due to the high cholesterol content of the “American junk food.”

If the dioxin reports are accurate, this would bring the stockpiles of exotic poisons down to dangerously low levels and could necessitate exploration of the seabed of the South Pole, believed to be rich in untapped reserves of toxic substances.

Anonymous critics speaking from undisclosed British locations speculate that the president felt humiliated after his bogus prediction that he would be assassinated during his trip to Iran. Others reported that Putin was despondent over the fact that his scheme to become Emperor of the World was not proceeding as rapidly as he had intended.

Though safe within the borders of the U.K., his critics have thus far refused to eat anything.

A full medical recovery is expected for the Russian president. He is also receiving counseling from the hospital social worker. Inside sources report that Putin is being encouraged to journal about his feelings, to be more assertive, and to participate in anger management classes. He has been observed pummeling hospital pillows with his fist.

The social worker commented, “He’s got to get the anger out, or it might cause other problems, such as grandiosity, low frustration tolerance, or psychopathic behavior. Today he was mumbling some kind of weird beliefs about being the President of Russia.”

Under Russian law, it is a federal offense to attempt the assassination of a current government official or a former KGB agent. If Putin survives, he could face charges on both counts. This could derail his plans to violate either the spirit or letter of the new Russian constitution by remaining in power after the upcoming election. Not to worry, say his supporters–he has already pardoned himself.

If found guilty of the assassination attempt, however, matters could deteriorate quickly for President Putin. Legal experts maintain he could possibly face execution by poisoning.

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