Former Guantanamo Bay prisoner German Turk Murat Kurnaz has told a German parliamentary committee that he faced torture and abuse during his stay there. Kurnaz claims that he was systematically subjected to sleeping on uncomfortable mattresses, over-abundant portions of yucky-tasting American food and the complete lack of shaving utensils of any kind. “See?” said the sleepy-eyed, overweight Kurnaz, pointing to his ghastly long, unhygienic facial hair growth.

What is more, the circumstances behind Kurnaz’ detention have now led to a focus on German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier. Steinmeier was chief of staff under Gerhard Schroeder at the time of Kurnaz’ imprisonment and his office is now alleged to have secretly solicited additional intelligence from the United States in order to strengthen terrorism charges against Kurnaz and deny him an earlier return to Germany.

“We demand to know why the previous government failed to intervene in our client’s behalf,” said one of Kurnaz’ many outraged lawyers. “Surely they must have known that the Americans were subjecting him to unspeakable forms of torture like this. We also know, for instance, that our client’s unnecessarily loud air conditioner was continually set two to three degrees higher or lower than normal room temperature, depending of course upon the weather conditions outside. That’s against the Geneva Convention or something. And none of those awful American television programs they watched in the camp were dubbed in Turkish, either. Oops, I mean German, of course. I could go on but, well, I just can’t go on. This is all too horrible to contemplate.”

When asked why Kurnaz has yet to shave, although he has been a free man for several months now, another pissed off lawyer jumped in and explained that “This is our client’s form of organized protest and his constitutional right, bozo. And you can bet your last Gillette Mach 14 razor that he will not be shaving again until this matter is clarified, once and for all. You’ve heard of sit-ins, haven’t you? Well, you call this a shave-in if you want. Or maybe call it a shave-out. Ach! You know what I mean.”

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