So my phone rang yesterday. Turns out it was a cop. “Listen up,” he said. “We suspect your parents of embezzling money from the church capital fund. Shocking, I know. Rather than come over and question them ourselves, here’s what I’d like you to do…” Then he had me tie them up, torture them with hot nails and cutting utensils, and then saw off their heads and bury them in the back yard. It all seemed a little extreme to me, but the police are the police and you gotta do what the man on the other end of the phone says.

Or go to jail…for a long, long time. So goes the story of Walter Nix.

Donna Summers, an assistant manager at a McDonald’s in Mount Washington, Kentucky. One night, while working, she just picked up the phone and was informed by a “police officer” that an employee, 18-year-old Louise Ogborn, was suspected of stealing. She was then instructed to bring Ogborn to a back room and have her strip naked and cover up with an apron.

Wait for it…it gets worse. Naturally, Summers had to run a business, so she had another employee come back and man the phone while she “managed” the shop. 27-year old Jason Bradley seems like the only decent person in the whole building, because he put down the phone in disgust after being told to have her remove the apron and do other explicit things.

Summers’ next go-to was her fiancée Walter Nix, another winner with an IQ of 84 who arrived 2 hours later. Walter relayed the instructions of the officer, telling Ogborn to get on the stool and bend over, then do some jumping jacks to shake loose the items she might be hiding. At one point he proceeding to spank her for almost 10 minutes. Eventually, Nix forced her to perform a sexual act. All this time, Ogborn was crying and begging to be taken to the police station. She even pleaded with Summers who occasionally stopped into check on the Nix’s progress. Summers denies such pleas were made.

Back when I was in College, dabbling in all sorts of areas no one can actually make a living in, I learned of the effects that claimed authority can have on people. In one particular case, a man followed a young woman into a public bathroom, claimed he was a doctor and she granted him consent to perform a physical. My doctor had been doing that to me for years, so it didn’t really hit me at the time…but that’s just stone-cold crazy. What kind of idiot listens to someone who says things like that? Has anyone ever heard of a work-from-home detective? Do people really believe that police have engaged in do-it-yourself law enforcement?

It turns out they do – and Nix and Summers aren’t the only complete idiots out there. Over the past 10 years, over 70 calls have been made from the same pay-phone and the same brand of calling card used to reach Mount Washington, KY. Long story short – this time the caller got caught. Turned out to be a corrections officer from Panama City named David Stewart. Write that down: don’t follow instructions from perverts named David Stewart.

Most recently in this still-developing case, the Judge in Nix’s trial rejected the plea bargain made between him and the prosecution. The judge wants him going to trial, not out on probation. I can’t say I disagree. You know, at least in Nuremburg, the officers following orders knew whose orders they were following…and we still sent those bastards to prison. The members of the Ronald McDonald gang, and every other moron blindly following the instructions of the man living in the phone, don’t really deserve the luxury of getting off with a slap on the wrist.

Nix certainly doesn’t deserve to be out and about with a criminal record and no real repercussions. Ogborn wants him to register as a sex offender. That might be a start. In case your wondering about the whole IQ thing, turns out he knows right from wrong…which only goes to support my argument that at some point, anyone with half-a-brain should have realized that cops don’t make you spank 18-year-old girls for stealing chicken nuggets. What Nix deserves is a nice small sell with a guy who has an affinity for middle aged men and who gets his life-instructions from his grandmother’s dead dog.

For a peek at some of the surveillance video, ABC has a pretty good clip. They’ve also got a good recount of the facts. You can read about the plea at WLKY.

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