You know you’re getting old when you flip on MTV’s ruby carpet awards preview for the 2007 MTV Movie Awards, and you don’t recognize anyone there. That’s the feeling I got when I decided to tune in to the show which aired live at 8:00pm eastern time and 5:00pm in Universal City, California. The MTV awards has always been known not nearly as much for who wins each award, considering they’re all films that appeal to teens and not the Academy, but what goes on in between the awards. With this year’s festivities, I found my thumb on the channel button of the remote control 90 percent of the time, but I persevered and stuck it out to endure the horrible display that went on that night.

The show was doomed from the beginning. Instead of seeing a much expected and anticipated movie spoof of maybe the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie or the Transformers movie that had been largely talked about during the pre-show, viewers were instead given a bizarrely unfunny situation where host Sarah Silverman talks to her dog on the couch before realizing she’s due to host the awards. The dog transforms into some kind of Transformers-esque flying robot, and she shoots into outer space on its back, slowing down along the way to greet Johnny Knoxville riding a purple clay figure.

She then winds up on stage to start a stand up act full of offensive jokes, including one to surprise guest Paris Hilton who the camera insensitively panned on at the joke’s delivery to see her not a happy camper. I don’t know how Silverman managed to make it through the rest of her opening monologue without exhibiting the huge guilt trip she must have been feeling for that one crack. At the same time, Hilton wasn’t exactly keeping a low profile by showing up to be photographed and interviewed just days before she was scheduled to go to jail, so she shouldn’t have expected to get off at an MTV event without a few to the ribs. Despite this, it was Lindsey Lohan who was the star of the show, and she wasn’t even there. There must have been one rehab joke every two minutes, and everyone knew who it was directed at.

Then when the audience learns that this year’s movie spoofs to be featured are part of a contest of amateur filmmakers looking for their 15 minutes, I wanted to cry. As they played them throughout the middle portion of the show, I found myself thinking that they were good for what they were, but I was furious at MTV for not doing them themselves, especially during, and yes I’ve said this a million times before, one of the biggest summer movie seasons in recent memory. The musical guests seemed to be a big hit with my teenage sisters who had their eyes glued to the program the entire time, but I wondered how they could even know who these people were since it’s not like MTV has anything to do with music anymore.

When the show finally did end, I was mad at myself for being one of those critics who complained about the entire thing but at the same time failed to change the channel to stop my whining. Of course, there were some traditional, non-offensive and rehab free MTV moments that occurred during the later portion of the show. These highlights would have to be the Sarah Silverman spoof where she called several celebrities to find a replacement presenter for an award. There, just about every movie of 2006 was briefly spoofed including Babel, The Departed, The Pursuit of Happyness, Transformers, Dream Girls, and The Devil Wears Prada to name a few. Also, Jaden Smith’s staged awards speech for Best Breakthrough Performance featuring his parents pretending so hard to not hog the spotlight while they videotaped their boy holding his golden popcorn and trying to get a word in but being unsuccessful with his parents’ bickering. Mike Myers receiving the MTV Generation Award was fun to watch as well, with an intense montage of his famous movie characters, followed by an Austin Powers dance sequence, and a side splitting speech. These three elements kept me tuned in for a little while longer until finally, I’d made it through to the end.

Here are this year’s testosterone-laden winners (Where are the girls?):

Best Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Best Performance: Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Best Comedic Performance: Borat

Best Kiss: Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen in Talladega Nights

Best Villain: Jack Nicholson in The Departed

Best Fight: 300

Breakthrough Performance: Jaden Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness

Best Summer Movie You Haven’t Seen: Transformers

Best Movie Spoof: United 300

MTV Generation Award: Mike Myers

Rating: D-

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