Khaled el-Masri has been abducted again. Only this time it’s okay because the Germans abducted him. It’s not a mistake, in other words (Germans don’t make those). Actually, they didn’t really abduct him so much as arrest him and put him in a psychiatric ward because he lit a wholesale market in Neu-Ulm on fire ($680,000 damage) as a “gesture of despair” after getting into an argument with employees about an electronic device he purchased there.

I know exactly how this guy feels, too. Electronic devices these days can be frustrating as hell to work with and drive me to despair on a regular basis. I can’t count the times I’ve lit wholesale markets on fire because of all the mental anguish and frustration they have caused me. And I can’t repeat these two hyphenated words often enough, people: Loser-, I mean user-friendly. Make the damned things more user-friendly already.

“See?” said el-Masri’s lawyer. “He’s not a terrorist, he’s an arsonist. I mean, the words are very similar sounding so I can understand how the CIA screwed up and all, but the key word is arson here, not terror. Got that?” He then went on to explain how al-Masri’s “rather frequent” gestures of despair are being brought about due to the lack of proper psychological counseling he has needed and not received after being abducted (the first time) and held captive in an Afghan prison.

“Torture victims have to be in therapy,” he pointed out while pointing a finger at the German legal system, claiming that his client has been trying to enter some kind of a therapy program for three years now but nobody is willing to pay for it, least of al el-Masri himself.

Word is out however that the therapy program this victim so desperately needs may now finally be on its way.

Help me man I’m sick.

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