Still doggedly determined to keep Teheran from obtaining nuclear weapons, and painfully aware of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s repeated Holocaust denials and open threats to Israel, Berlin is stepping up its pressure on the ayatollahs yet again, this time by threatening to deprive them of countless tons of mullah moolah once it begins selling them its high-speed magnetic levitation train technology.

In a stunningly sly move on the ever-changing (not) Iranian crisis chess board, Germany has somehow managed to trick Teheran into commissioning a German engineering company to conduct a feasibility study for building a Transrapid train route linking the Iranian capital with the northeastern holy city of Mashhad. It appears that the Iranians are sick and tired of their own traditional and completely unreliable Persian maglev technology (they call it magic levitation or “flying carpet” technology, however) and Teheran may finally be prepared to knuckle under and become Germany’s Middle Eastern business buddy numero uno without ever once budging one bity little centimeter on any of its controversial policies.

“Old ideas like placing economic sanctions against Iran are out,” said a spokesman for the company doing the study. “Primarily because nobody here ever got around to placing any, of course. This new method is much more clever, however. By depriving Iran of one of it’s most precious natural resources, oil money, they have less and we get more, get it?”

Government spokesmen in Berlin have yet to commit directly on the issue, saying merely that the project is “in the very early stages. We haven’t even given them our bank account numbers yet.”

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