Talk about fat and sassy. A German parliamentary report has determined that 40 percent of all German army personnel are overweight, compared to 35 percent in the same civilian age group, and that 8.5 percent of these soldiers are grossly overweight, as well, which is just plain gross. They are also unfit, smoke too much, never clean up their rooms and fidget around whenever you speak to them.

“To put it simply: Our soldiers are just too fat and they don’t get enough exercise,” said armed services lawmaker Reinhard Robbe at a news conference in Berlin, visibly angeekelt (disgusted) by the report he was being forced to read. “And I don’t just mean military exercise, either. What we ought to do here is actually have our soldiers do something from time to time. You know, like go to war and shoot at people, get shot back at, stuff like that. Otherwise this overweight business could eventually lead to some serious health issues.”

The rest of the German parliament quickly thought differently however, shoved Robbe out of the room and then asked German Defense Minister Franz Josef Jung and a few top level Bundeswehr generals, fine specimens of physical fitness themselves, to set a good example for the troops and lose a few pounds by taking part in a revolutionary new physical fitness program recently introduced by the Indiana University physical education department.

Jung and co. could not be reached for comment as their mouths were full right then.

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