The German science and rock music worlds were sent reeling earlier this week when scientists discovered the fossilized claw of what appeared to be a sea scorpion bigger and even older than the fossilized Scorpions’ front man singer Klaus Meine himself.

“Holy Scheiße,” said paleontologist Markus Poschmann after having excavated the claw from an excavation of 390 million-year-old rocks in Rhineland Palatinate he had been excavating. “This turns everything we thought we knew about paleontology and German rock music completely on its head. I mean, that this thing could be bigger than Klaus Meine shouldn’t surprise anybody, but older? Come on now. We’re talking about the friggin’ Scorpions here.”

The armored giant is thought to have been 8 feet long, weighed 400 pounds and terrorized the seas a good 400 million years ago, shortly after the release of “Winds of Change”, or so scientists had thought up until the discovery. “We now have to re-evaluate everything we had believed about the release date of that song,” said a pensive Poschmann. “And I’m not even sure if the normal carbon dating methods will help us much here this time. I think we’ll take a closer look at ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ too, while we’re at it. The numbers…” he muttered. “The numbers. They just don’t add up.”

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