Reacting to the harsh criticism regarding the immigration rhetoric initiative set into play by her fellow conservative Roland Koch, German Chancellor Angela Merkel has announced that all this recent talk about placing foreign delinquents in German re-education boot camps was in fact an “unfortunate misunderstanding” and that in reality, “the worthless, lawless punks will now be sent off to Siberia instead.”

Making clear that the days of Koch’s “warning shot” proposals are now over, she proudly announced that the first successful Siberian deportation test launch had been carried out the day before. A Hessian Jugendamt (youth welfare office) spokesman then confirmed that a violent 16-year-old boy had arrived “more or less” safely in Siberia and that he “will be learning to control his aggression through continued exposure to hard physical work and extreme weather conditions.”

Merkel then went on to defend Koch’s proposals, labelled xenophobic and divisive by his rivals in the coming state election in Hessen, by explaining that Koch and her party had never intended to single out “criminal young foreigners” alone, adding that she and most others like here despised German young people, too. “Like duh,” said the Chancellor. “Why do you think I never had any kids?”

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