Leaving the dangerous spacewalk and assembly work needed on the latest ISS mission to his American comrades, German astronaut Hans Schlegel has refused to leave the relatively safe northern sections of the space shuttle for the more dangerous southern regions of outer space.

Although actually over the weather, the German astronaut suddenly claimed yesterday that he was feeling under the weather and that “my government also gave me this here parliamentary mandate to stay put up here in the corner strapped to my seat if I want to, so there,” handing American astronaut Stanley G. Love a crumpled piece of paper Schlegel had been hiding in his spacesuit ever since takeoff.

A spokesman for the European Space Agency then later confirmed that the German government also confirmed Schlegel’s claim and insists that he continue to observe their secret parliamentary mandate protocol to not attach the European-made Columbus lab to the ISS Harmony module if “any kind of danger or the threat or even the thought of danger” is involved in any conceivable way.

“My government never said that I would ever actually have to do any work on that dangerous space station thingy out there or anything,” elaborated Schlegel, tapping his forehead in disbelief. “After all, I am a man of science and peace. I mean, just because you’re an astronaut doesn’t necessarily mean that you ever have to go out into space.”

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