MEMO TO: Richard Feducci, Overlord of Finance
FROM: E Pluribus, Wondergod
SUBJECT: Five Year International Finance Plan
DATE: January 1, 2005

Happy New Year, Rich. Got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: We’re going to let the American economy crater. The good news: Everybody else’s will, too. The best news: By 2010, we’ll be on top again. We’re gonna kill several dodo birds with this one stone.

Greenpants has our financial foundation as strong as it can humanly be. Yes, some of the structures on the foundation are shaky. Dub is gonna pursue this Iraq mess no matter what. I’m not sure even I could stop him. That’s gonna crack the bank, and we’ll have to borrow–from the Communist Chinese. They’ll be happy to loan. They’ll think they own us. Not good strategic thinkers. They’ve always been patient, ruthless control freaks, but they have tunnel vision. So let them give us the money. Maybe we’ll just keep it.

Here’s what’s gonna happen. With the U.S. weakened financially and militarily by this diversionary debacle of a war, our enemies are going to get bold and foolish. Good for us–it’ll smoke ’em out, and the Plan will crush them. Iran–Lots of talk, bluff, no action. Don’t worry about their threats to Israel. Bugs shouldn’t threaten steamrollers, but what can you expect from a bug? They’re angling for a deal. Screw ’em–they get nothing at the end of all this.

HugeEgo Chavez–dumb as a piñata stick, narcissistic, a big windbag who’d faint during a spitball attack unless he were propped up by someone smarter. Which brings us to someone you probably haven’t noticed yet. It’s Vlad Putin in Russia. I thought about making him a key player, but he already thinks he’s the Wondergod. That is a strategic error, militarily and economically, the hubris that you can always count on to bring down a megalomaniac. Plus, it pisses me off.

Pute isn’t really our ally. He’s KGB. Killed rats for fun as a kid, and now he sees rats everywhere, including us. He’s the one to watch. Uncle Bin can kill a few thousand, but Pute has nukes and the testicular fortitude to use them. All he needs is money. Sorry to tell you, but there won’t be any democracy in Russia. He’ll use poison, apartment bombings,  press intimidation, the usual antics of autocratic cretins. Pute will be nationalizing their entire energy industry and taking control of a key gas pipeline, the press, the courts, and his new “Russian Federation.” He’ll be the one propping up Chavez and the Iranians with weapons, “assurances,” and goading them to provoke us.

Don’t wet yourself, but Pute is going to make Russia go from poor to rich overnight. But we can make him poor again overnight. His economy, along with his ego, will swell up like a balloon, and then we pop it–with the Plan. 

OUR ACES ARE OUR ECONOMIC INFRASTRUCTURE AND OUR LONG EXPERIENCE WITH CAPITALISM. All other cards are deuces. Since the whole world is tied to us economically, if we go down they go down. The difference is, if we go down, we can get back up.

So we let our economy sink. It’s heading that way now. We don’t have to sabotage it, all we do is stand back and let it happen. We fall, they fall. Banks, housing, stocks, jobs, everything. Cruel in the short term, kind in the long term. The difference between us and the rest of the world is that we have a long, long history of capitalism, business cycles, diversification, stable infrastructure, and rebuilding broken economies.

Compare that with our enemies. Those clowns have recent histories of plowing farmland with chopsticks and tree limbs, living in tents and caves, using the grass their goats don’t eat to burn for winter fuel. Capitalism is nothing but a new toy to them, and we haven’t finished teaching them how to use it. Meanwhile, they think they can go on being despots and biting the hand that pays them. No more. Democracy and capitalism go hand in hand.

Uncle Bin can’t run his idiot war without his cellphone. He has his internet tapes. He thinks the whole thing is magic. He doesn’t know we could, at some temporary cost to ourselves, jam up all his toys. The Middle East can’t run anything but their mouths without us buying their oil. Pute won’t have the time or the sense to diversify his economy, so by 2009 he’ll be having nostalgic dreams about living in an outhouse apartment and whiling away his languid childhood, killing rats.

Without Pute, HugeEgo Chavez and AckMinnowJihad are as impotent as 90 year old men on salt peter. And the Chinese? They’ve got a lot of mouths to feed. Starving soldiers can’t fight. And their best minds are over here working for us. Their reserves will dwindle when we crash, and we can default on the loans. Again, we can rebuild faster than they can. Our foundation is capitalism. Theirs is Communism. They’ll have no solid foundation with which to rebuild–unless they play ball with us. 

So in effect, we’re going to shoot ourselves in the foot, and we’ll be crippled for awhile. But with that same bullet, we’re going to bring our enemies to their knees. We’ll be walking again before they will. They’re going to need our helping hands for a long time. And we’re going to give it to them–for a price. Dub thinks the whole world is a beer hall–get drunk on power and start fights with everybody. Okay, fine. We can’t militarily defeat all the enemies he’s made, but we can vanquish them with the weapon that decides every war–economics. We can sustain a self-inflicted wound to the foot. But they can’t take a shot to the head. Everybody will go down, but we’ll be the first ones up. We’ll help our allies get up with us. But we’ll let our enemies die in the blood of their own red ink unless they pay our price–PEACE.

We’ll need someone intelligent, perceptive, and innovative to help us coordinate this. None of our experienced Washington hacks have enough imagination to pick up on our cues. Who’s that young Black guy from Chicago? Bananarama? I never was good with names. You know who I mean. Get him in. I’ll take care of the rest.


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