Just as the predatory stepfather has become a cliché, the wicked, greedy stepmother has also become an archetype because so many times the characterization is accurate. So what can you do when your father marries a grasping, bullying, uncaring woman when you’re young? How can you stop such a bully when your father marries one late in life and she wants to get her hands on the family fortune and your most cherished sentimental items?
Of course there are many situations in which a stepmother has loved and enriched the life of her stepdaughter. See “Gertrude Bell: Queen of the Desert, Shaper of Nations,†by Georgina Howell for one famous example.
But when you’re young and an evil stepmom moves in, with our without her own children, and treats you like Cinderella, you have only one court of appeal, your father. If he won’t see the truth and rectify his mistake, you have only a few options:
- Keep resisting, fighting and rebelling; keep trying to make him see the light.
- Fly low; be devious, learn to dissemble, lie and hide in order to minimize the damage.
The first strategy usually has disastrous consequences for children. Typically, fathers never get it. Sometimes relatives might defend you, but they can rarely open your blinded father’s eyes. For many reasons, none important for your later life, your father typically won’t accept or value that you’re being mistreated and he won’t get rid of the witch.
Kids who use this strategy usually end up ruining their lives because they’ve only prepared themselves to resist, fight and rebel. All their energy goes into trying to get justice from a stone. They don’t prepare themselves to have wonderful careers and lives.
Kids who use the second strategy often succeed in later life. Don’t waste your youth fighting an unwinnable battle. Use your time and effort to develop skills that prepare you for a good career and a great life.
Of course, a bullying stepmom will harass and abuse you whenever she can. She’ll also try to align your father against you. And if she brings her own children into the marriage, she’ll try to shove you out so hers can inherit the love and money. So what? History is full of kids who succeeded despite the unfairness and injustice of such situations.
Since your father is besotted and blinded, there’s little you can do to obtain justice. When you’re young, you can’t understand how a person can do what he’s doing. When you become older and can see the reasons, there’s still little comfort in that understanding.
In this situation, the key to success is an inner one: keep your spirit alive and burning fiercely until you can get away and make your own life. Of course you won’t have the head start you would have if your father had done better for you. So what? That’s not the end of the world.
Of course you’ll get blamed for everything. Your wicked stepmom will heap shame and guilt on you. Don’t accept it. It’s not your fault. Of course, you did some things wrong, but even if you’d been perfect, it wouldn’t have been good enough for her. You were in her way or she needed a scapegoat or she simply liked to inflict pain. The way she treated you was her fault, not yours.
Don’t let anxiety and stress lead to depression. Don’t let negative self-talk and self-bullying destroy your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Stay invulnerable to outrageous fortune; verbal, emotional and physical. You aren’t at the mercy of events. Don’t let them crush your spirit. Your spirit can endure and soar. You can create a great life for yourself.
The other typical situation occurs when your father marries late in life and forces a selfish, greedy, narcissistic new wife into your family. Encourage your father to make a prenuptial agreement to protect the family fortune he had before he met her and specify in his will who gets each sentimental treasure from your childhood.
If there’s no written assignment, after your father dies she’ll keep your biological mother’s things and even your most cherished toys. She’ll make you grovel to get any of your father’s items.
Of course she’ll blame you for why she’s mean and keeps things from you. She’ll say that you didn’t communicate lovingly enough with her, you hurt her feelings or she needs and deserves what ever she wants. And she’ll say that she has a right to it all. She needs it to comfort her for her great loss.
She’ll try to divide your siblings into warring camps; if you’re not on her side you’re her enemy for life. She’ll make you crawl in order to get anything, and then she’ll jerk it away just as you think you’re about to get it. It’s as if she enjoys raising your hopes and causing you pain.
Recognize as bullies these manipulative, hypercritical, distorting, demanding, lying toxic people who use their hurt feelings and anger to control everyone else. Notice who has all the responsibility for making her be just or generous; she never accepts any blame, never has to please you, never has to apologize. You always have to please her, accept all the blame for any problem and do all the apologizing.
Your crawling will never be enough to get you anything important. She’ll always raise the bar on what you have to do.
If you try to negotiate with these bullies, you’ll always give up something in hopes that she’ll reciprocate. But you’ll be disappointed. After you give something up, the negotiations will immediately become about what you must give up next.
Accept that you’re in a war with a bitter, relentless and ruthless enemy who won’t compromise or negotiate in good faith. Fight to get what’s yours. Then turn your back and walk away. She wants to trap your energy for the rest of your life; either pleasing her or fighting her; it doesn’t matter which.
Of course some moms harass, bully and abuse their biological children in the same way. Their children need to use the same tactics in order to survive and thrive.
Take your energy and make a wonderful life, no matter the injustice of what happens. The best revenge is a great life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,†“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids†and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.†He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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It’s so sad when kids become the victim. Parents who should protect their kids turn a blind eye to the damage that is being caused. Kids that are too young to fight back only want to be accepted and loved by the step parent. Shame on selfish, unloving parents and step parents!
and i am one of the victim of step parents……….:) thanks for the great consulting lecture…….
Wow, I identify with this article completely. Is there such a thing as a non-wicked stepmother? lol…please let me know…
Wow, Nikkir386, that’s a nasty and unnecessary comment.
Whatever your personal experience, do you truly think that women who get together with men who have kids all suddenly and magically turn wicked? Would you, in that situation?
In fact, this entire article is a disgrace, with its horrible assumptions and inflammatory language. It purports to describe a problem, but by labelling and stereotyping stepmothers it just makes that problem worse. Ugly, ugly, ugly.
My experience, and that of the many stepmothers I know, is that women in our situations try really, really hard to have a good relationship with our partner’s kids, only to be rebuffed and rejected, often very cruelly, many times over.
Don’t forget, stepmothers do a necessary job. Usually, we care for, financially support and look after kids that aren’t ours, out of love for them and their fathers. When foster parents do that, they get praise. We get abuse.
Personally, my oldest stepson has hit me, kicked me, punched me, and thrown something that hit me in the eye and cut me. He was ten at the time, and quite strong.
No matter how nasty he was, I tried for two years to be his friend and a supportive and concerned adult in his life. He felt like he could throw any abuse he liked at me.
He is somewhat better now, but he still says very mean things – about me, my family, my choices, even my appearance, and tries unsuccessfully to recruit his Dad against me. Anyone who says that he’s just a kid and I should “rise above” or “suck it up” needs to live with a hurtful, rejecting, belittling child and see what it does to you!
Eventually, I gave up trying. It was too hard, being deliberately hurt and rejected. He had to learn that his attitude was his problem, not my fault. I cared about him but now I just stay out of his way and spend my energy on his younger brothers, who enjoy my efforts and my company. His loss!
My story isn’t unusual; even women who remarry men with grownup children report horrible amounts of hostility and rejection and plain meanness from them.
Personally, I think there are more wicked stepkids in the world than wicked stepmothers!
(Hate on me for saying it if you want – until you’ve been a stepmother to hostile kids, you have NO IDEA how hard and unrewarding it is to be responsible for caring for kids who feel free to treat you like dirt, and whose mothers treat you like dirt, because of their emotional conflicts that have nothing to do with you.)
So I ask all you grown up, angry stepchildren reading this crappy article the hard questions.
What did you do that made it difficult for your stepmother to be loving towards you? How did you reject and undermine her, disrespect or belittle her? How did you treat her like an enemy before she could become a friend? I’m sure there was fault on both sides, but have you ever thought before about the fault on your side, or just focused on her mistakes?
My comment was deleted. Is that because I said Ben Leichtling is a fucking moron? Is that not an accurate term to describe someone who would encourage children to “be devious, learn to dissemble, lie and hide”? Is this ethical advice coming from someone who claims to be a “practicing psychotherapist”? So these are the skills that lead to “a good career and a great life,” eh? That’s what Ben Leichtling has written above.
Now watch as my post will once again be deleted, no doubt due to having used the “F” word — even though Ben Leichtling’s “advice” above is far, far more damaging and offensive in every respect.
Its nice to finally see someone say all the things that us forgotten stepchildren feel. Sometimes (in response to ‘stepmom’) we havent done anything to belittle our stepmothers. It is a fact of life that some people are just downright mean, and unfortunately those people sometimes become stepparents. (in my experience stepmothers) I am both lucky enough to have had a fantastic stepfather and unlucky to have such a cruel and vindictive stepmother without doing anything to warrant her actions.
But Bens advice definitely sounded like it came from someone who has experienced an evil stepmother – the best revenge is to go and have a fantastic life. To all those who wish to critise Ben and those who believe in his comment – lucky you – you obviously havent been hurt in this way by a stepparent. Be thankful and dont belittle anyone elses feelings for feeling the way that they do – it will take years and years (if ever) to recover from the emotional damage that my stepmother has done to myself and my siblings. To stepmum – its very easy to ask all us adult stepchildren your questions from your high horse – but more importantly you could close this article and take pleasure in the fact that you have a healthy relationship with your stepchildren (and be proud of it) but leave the rest of us who havent had that pleasure to get a little bit back by seeking some of Ben’s revenge. (thanks ben – very healthy in my opinion)
Good Day to you all 🙂
Finally an article that talks of the Toxic. Not all women are innocent stepmothers who must deal with the unruly stepkids. Stepmothers can be highly toxic and change the course of a family. If a couple would seek counseling and educate themselves on what blending a stepfamily is all about, perhaps more families would merge with success. Unfortunately couples rush into remarriage thinking only of themselves and not about the family as a whole. I’m continually amazed at how stepchildren both children and adults are so forgotten.
Stepmum said,
Thank you for your support! This blog is very hurtful. It’s nice to know that someone out there understands what I have been going through for the past 20 years.
Hi everyone,
I have read the article and a couple of responses. My “stepmother” had an extra-marital affair with my father while he was married to my mother; resulting in his leaving the home. This early childhood trauma devastated me when he left me by age three, to go live with her and “start over”. It probably was one of the deepest wounds I have tried to heal. Throughout my childhood, she remained indifferent to me: she did not call me even by phone when I was sick or on my birthday. A social worker diagnosed my stepmother with DNP or destructive narcissistic personality disorder. She clearly lacked empathy for my needs as a child and later admitted to having an “under-developed moral conscience”. Not having a father around was probably the greatest source of pain/ grief for me when I was growing up with a single mom. Yet, she dismissed this event as unimportant… I can understand the author’s point very well.
Hi everyone,
Also, my experience with the absent stepmother led me to study psychology at UCSD and eventually seek my own recovery from the trauma; resulting in the development of my own self-awareness. I hestitate to label the stepmother as universally “evil”. Although I felt very hurt by her actions and inactions in my life, the experience led me to seek a deeper understanding of myself and others. This can be viewed positively. Can the author remove one of my posts? I accidentally submitted my post twice on this page. Thanks for reading.
Hi all,
I am 22 years old. My father and his partner (Lin) are currently going through a separation (finally). They have been together for 12 years. 12 years during which utter misery has ebbed and flowed relentlessly.
There’s a long story but I won’t go into it. I have not got a good relationship with my stepmother but I am very close to my father. The divorce between my parents didn’t hurt me as such; it was a relief that the regular arguments and shouting in the home could stop. What has deeply affected me is my stepmother/dad’s partner.
I don’t believe in generalisations, but I’m afraid my stepmother does fit the stereotype of a toxic, self-centred woman. Previous posters have given examples of the sort of angst it can cause and I won’t repeat similar things. However, my questions to all you stepmothers are:
Why the hell did you stay around? Why didn’t you leave when you were clearly spending a good many years of your life having a miserable time? Why do you go into a relationship where the father already has a child expecting it all to be so easy, that your stepson would be fine with you and his father sleeping together? That you never EVER accept responsibility for your mistakes?
To be honest, until latest catastrophe, I was resigned to a life of accepting my stepmother. I knew I would never have a normal relationship with her but I made the effort to completely change the way I think because I thought it was what my dad wanted. Now it seems he didn’t ever want this relationship that badly and that has thrown me into thinking “I made all that effort and went through suffering for someone who is not even worthy of my father?”.
Anyway, she’s doing everything she can to grab the house etc. bla bla just like my mother did to my father 12 years ago.
You’ve got to appreciate, I was put under such tremendous pressure to like this woman (this woman who thought I should be “given a kick up the ass”), who has talked about me behind my back, forced my dog to not live in the house but outside in a freezing, damp cupboard where his arthritis got worse, and more besides.
I’ve seen some of her writings. She was miserable as far back as 2001 (and never once reflects on herself, always on how other people are crap). Why did she not get out? She must have been loving how she had it so easy with my father, right? With the lifestyle he gave her, it was worth putting up with the brat stepson, even if it meant pulling everyone down including herself, right?
She doesn’t get it, she never got it, she’s a total foreigner to basic human emotions and needs.
When I read this I immediately sent a link to myself so that I could use it in arming my son,10, from his narcisstic step mom. Then I read the comments, and I conclude that the defensive remarks made against the author are from controlling, or immature, or those suffering from undiagnosed personality disorders. There are good step moms and bad ones. Me and my kiddos got stuck with a bad one. Any comments that assume this article encompassed ALL stepmoms and were offended, means they are most likely a wicked step mom, reason for the defensive tone.
I am not a step mom, my children and I are stuck with one, just bad luck, I guess. But how ignorant would it be for me to stereotype all step moms based on my bum luck of the draw for stepmom.
NOTE TO THE IGNORANT: This article wasn’t about you, unless you are a wicked stepmom.
There are some biological mothers that cause their children pain, too.
To AdultButNot….I had the exact same experience, only it was with a step father. Men can be vicious & manipulative too. And my naive mother fell for it. He was a psychopath, I knew at the age of 5 that there was something very WRONG with this man. He would beat me with belts until I bled, all because I didn’t like the food. He threw me around the kitchen one morning for putting my finger in the sugar bowl. My “mother” turned a blind eye to all of this, because being his wife was apparently more important to her than being my mother. I’m 40 years old, haven’t spoken to either of them in 20 years, and am still very angry & confused. I wish I could tell you that these feelings go away. I never told, because, for reasons which I will never understand, he made her (mom) happy. My love for her was fierce and unconditional, even though she condoned and sometimes participated in his abuse of me. After I left “home”, I heard through the family grapevine that they divorced. So, my childhood basically sucked all for nothing. I hope he was worth it to her, because she gave up ALOT to be with him, including her daughter. I never want to see either one of those depraved idiots again. You will be a good parent to your children because of what you had to go through. I have NEVER let someone beat my kids, and never will. Good wishes to you and your future.
Thank you for your kind words, hippigirl.
I have never been beaten and I am upset to hear how you were treated. You are a strong person for coming out of a situation like that and still maintaining a rational mindset.
The best I can do is treat others well and those who come after me, like you say. It is a mission of mine to do just that.
Thank you for articulating so clearly what this experience is like regarding having a toxic step mother. Despite experiencing 30 years of so much of the same heartaches you all describe, part of me still felt so traumatized by it that a kind of voicelessness results. Four years ago, I finally said goodbye, and have had a peaceful and contented life ever since. Her provocations and backbiting continue, and she succeeded in having me ostrasized for putting end to her emotional abuse of me, but I no longer respond. Zero access is, I have found, the only way. Bens advice is so very true. It isn’t easy to do at first, I was conditioned since age 10 to be the pleading supplicant, fixer, the blamed. There is no way to fix a toxic heartless person who misquotes you, turns your father and sibs against one another and you, and never permits you to live in peace or have joy. Just get out, and start a new life. It is a very beautiful thing and your future children will be blessed by the health and happiness you can share with them.
This is a great article, fortunately my evil stepmother came into my life once I was a grown woman, but she still stove to manipulate and devalue myself and my sibling and keep us from our father (deceased). When he died she walked away with everything and I don’t think it will ever stop hurting that she managed to turn my father away from us so easily after him telling us as children that we were the most important things in the world to him.
We didn’t fit into her new family, so she got rid of us.
Not all stepmothers are bad people, to be sure, but the ones that are can inflict so much pain without anyone else seeing to know or care about their selfishness and greed.
Sounds like the person in your life that truly let you down was your DAD. While your stepmom might have been horrid, the REAL person that let you down was him. As a grown man, author and Ph.D., I am shocked that most of this venom was not released on the betrayer. I guess that even when you are beyond old/experienced enough to have all the facts, it is still too painful to face the honest truth.
I think these feelings are typically one sided and highly debatable in the face of an aware, generous, sweet and giving stepmom who gets washed in the flow of all other types and gets the same treatment as the so called bullies no matter what she does. There is a huge richness to the other kind of stepmom which this article does not address. Most stepmoms try to blend in, take care, love their new families and piece them back together at their own cost. It is a hugely thankless job, which they take in their stride. Its not an easy job, but there are those that do it well and they deserve a mention. There has to be a balancing tone in an article when people address the growing breed of fantastic stepmoms. I have read, spoken and written on a lot of stepfamily forums and none of them mention stepkids in a bad light, although there are those who exploit their position to get back at a stepmom who is evil merely because she married their dad. I would like to highlight the fact that stepmoms are very aware of the stigma the very name carries and they typically bend over their backs to erase it with love. I would like you all to take a minute and give this a thought. Its just sad to see stepmoms generally maligned like this.
Finally some great information!!!! My daughter has been dealing with her wicked stepmom for 3 yrs and it’s been hell. I’ve also had the luxury of dealing with this wicked evil step mom myself.Becoming obsessed at how one person could be so horrible.Everthing this person wrote was so true.My daughter’s dad is so blind to the fact that his wife is nuts, and he agrees with her on everything.Oh my daughter’s horrible they say and she almost ruined their marriage,she is the one to blame.The poor children having to deal with this.I can’t wait to have a chance to shine some light on these derranged people,even if they still believe they do no wrong. I won’t give up the fight for my daughter.
Mary (from July 27,2010, I completely agree with you. Far too many couples remarry thinking only of themselves. These are adults who cannot be alone and remarry, sometimes each adding their own children to the mix. I have watched as my three kids have been “blended” when their dad remarried. It’s not an unfair thing to say, it’s a fact. Sometimes step mothers are nasty people. Some of them are extremely toxic. In the case of my children, their stepmother has been married three times previously. Now is married to their dad. Quite a track record, huh? Am I to believe that the issues my children are having now are their faults? My nine year old daughter pleads with me not to go to her dad’s house as does my 12 year old son. My daughter has been told (be her stepmother) she needs to lose a few pounds (remember, she’s 9!) Our pediatrician has NEVER mentioned her weight as an issue during routine physicals. My daughter is not a tiny, wispy girl but is a tall, athletic one who enjoys many sports. She has been insulted countless times by this woman and dreads going to be with her dad because of this. Her dad refuses to believe anything that any of my children have told him about his new wife. It is no cliche – I have never met a woman as nasty as their step-mom. I find it unfortunate that their dad needed to be married so badly that he has thrown his kids under the bus to fulfill his own shortcomings. I have been in a relationship for several years with a wonderful man. My children have NO issues with him. I have had NO issues with his boys. He has an ex-wife. She and I have NEVER had any harsh words between us. You tell me, where is the problem in this picture. My children’s step mom has everyone swirling in her evil vortex. It’s no stereotype – sometimes step parents can be downright mean. It’s a shame how people will treat other people’s children. Sick, really.
Dear ‘Stepmum’: I completely agree that not all stepmothers are toxic. I know some wonderful stepmothers who are fully responsible for raising strong, amazing human beings. But in no way does the author of this piece mention that all stepmothers are the same; he also points out that the behaviour mentioned is as true of some biological mothers. He’s discussing a certain type of stepmother, which I, like many others on here, have grown up with. I’m sorry about your stepson and that behaviour is totally unacceptable. But the idea of ‘difficult stepchildren’ is true in some cases (like yours) and used as a label in others for step-parents to abscond themselves from any kind of responsibility.
My father left for another woman when I was 7. We never really discussed the issues surrounding his choice to leave – a fact which has continued throughout our relationship (I’m now 21). My mother was understandably devastated, and was treated appallingly. She told us probably too much information about my father’s behaviour, especially since I was a tiny child at the time, and of course children of divorce feel like they should ‘side with the mother’, particularly when that mother’s been badly treated.
My stepmother either ignored us completely or made life unnecessarily difficult throughout our childhood and adolescence. Her son (3 at the time, now 18) was vile to my brother (5 then, 20 now) as they grew up – he’d bully him to the point of my brother coming home in tears and locking himself in his room for hours, then she’d tell my dad that my brother (the shyest kid you’ve ever met) was horrible to her son, he’d then complain to my mother that she was poisoning us against my stepmother and her son, and the three of us would feel intimidated and like there was no getting out of the whole mess. My mother learnt quickly not to respond to it and to advise us to essentially keep our heads held high and not give them any kind of satisfaction. We did, but I remember being angry throughout my childhood, especially having to watch this happen every time we visited while my dad stood by and did nothing.
She was relatively OK to me in comparison until I became a teenager – then she’d ignore me, complain about me, and on occasion lie. For example, I asked my dad in front of her if I could maybe see him more than once a fortnight: mysteriously my mother got an email from him five days later detailing all the awful things I’d done to her, none of which were remotely true, and how if it continued I wouldn’t be allowed to go there at all. I remember being in floods of tears, and my mother replied with as polite an email as she could muster telling my father that I’d denied these allegations and she was choosing to believe me. He knew I’d seen the email, yet never mentioned it again.
We were included on some family holidays, but they took a couple of trips a year with her kids and not us. We heard about these trips in detail. Her kids were bought designer clothes, sent to expensive schools and allowed to do whatever they wanted; I don’t begrudge that as she earns good money, but there seemed to be no understanding that my brother and I went to a bad state school, had weekend jobs and were raised understanding that everyone has different levels of wealth. Her oldest son in particular (her younger one, my half-brother, has remarkably turned into a sweet kid) has been unbelievably rude and cruel to me and my brother throughout us growing up; we went on a trip to scatter my uncle’s ashes in 2010 and he spent the entire time complaining, calling us names and generally being so vile that I called my mother twice in the trip crying my eyes out.
I was a bit of a misfit at school – quiet, nerdy and not very pretty or secure in myself. She’s incredibly glamorous and never seemed to like me, which dented my self confidence and self esteem in a way that meant most of my teenagerhood was spent feeling sad. Some stepkids rebel and are naughty, rude or violent. Don’t get me wrong, I was never particularly chatty with her, but a lot of this was down to a deep-rooted feeling of not being liked, of being too scared to do anything in case my dad took her side, and of being a painfully awkward child! I remember making her cups of tea and babysitting for free, but I was always labelled the bad, naughty stepchild who made her life difficult and didn’t like her. My dad always took her side. As a child, you believe you don’t question adults; they’re right and you’re wrong, so if you’re given a label like that, you believe it. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past and have always struggled with low self-esteem and self-confidence.
Things got worse when I went to uni – she made it more and more difficult for me to stay there, resulting in her and my dad trying to set up a meeting with me to establish ground rules for ‘how often I could go there and how I behaved’. That uni holiday I had visited for 9 days over a total of 12 weeks. Throughout visits she’d completely ignore me, never ask about how uni was going and make it so difficult for me to stay that I began to hate it; I only went to spend time with my half-brother. My dad would ask me on the phone how long I was intending to stay for, which made me feel like an unwanted imposition; it was one of the factors which ended up in me seeing a counsellor in my first year of uni. Even she said she didn’t know why I put up with my stepmother’s behaviour and that I deserved better. It gave me the courage, after this talk of a meeting before I started my third year, to email my dad and say that while I wanted to see him and my little brother, I no longer wanted to see her or be a part of her family.
That was 14 months ago. I’ve moved to the city and I’m trying to start a career. I know that despite everything I could never do what she’s done, and that makes me feel that I’m going to grow into a person who’s OK. I don’t regret walking away; I do want to say to other stepkids that the author’s right. Be patient, your step-parent doesn’t have to have control over you forever, and no matter how bad things seem or how bad you feel you and only you have control of your future. The best revenge IS a great life, and anyone who’s had to deal with similar issues from a parent or a step-parent is going to be stronger, more sure of right and wrong and more able to fight to get there. Hang in there.
OMG I have NEVER commented on anything but I am in the midst of yet ANOTHER horrible night b/c of my stepmom and her power over my blind, retarded father. she’s currently giving me the silent treatment and I just tried googling what to do and this popped up. it’s like you’ve been living inside my head. Bravo sir, take it from us all victims that you have said nothing wrong and I’m sry to the good stepmoms who were offended, I do realize it must not be an easy position to be in but trust me, this is our YOUTH, we are lost and scared and figuring everything out for the first time. I’d rather step into an uneasy position at your age then have some evil woman forced upon me at the age I did with no control whatsoever over anything. Stay strong as I am trying so hard to. the worst part is that no relatives really realize the severity of it. God bless you sir, keep up the good work. thank you from the bottom of my heart for providing a relief in knowing I’m not alone and it’s not in my head.
I’m sorry some stepmoms got offended, but this article is only about the EVIL ones. I have bent over backwards to get along with my stepmother. I tried to welcome her into our family. I have tried to be friendly. I have tried and tried and tried and tried. All I get in return is nasty comments, yelling, and temper-tantrums (she is a grown woman but acts like a 2 year old). The harder I tried to be nice, the more she saw me as “weak.” She insults my job, my hair, and my friends. She makes condescending remarks about me for being blond. She makes remarks about my career, saying I don’t make enough money. SHE doesn’t even HAVE a job!! But she manipulates my dad into spending his hard-earned money on designer clothes for her to wear. She manipulates him into buying her expensive jewelry and perfumes and then complains that the gifts aren’t enough. She is very materialistic. She is HORRIBLE. She doesn’t even have a JOB but she refuses to do any housework and just insults and complains about everything. When I used to live with them, she criticized the way I did dishes and laundry, but did she ever lift a finger??? No. She yells and screams and ruins family get-togethers. It is a night-mare. I am just about ready to give up on even having a relationship with my dad anymore, which breaks my heart. But I don’t know how to deal with her. She is so mean, I end up going home and crying after I am around them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my dad is already gone. He’s alive, but she has stolen him away, because she barely lets me see him anymore, and when I do get to see him, she poisons everything by making it clear how much she hates me. I feel like I don’t have a dad anymore and I can’t stop crying.
I also wanted to say thank you to the author of this article because he really understands how people feel in this kind of situation. At least I feel like I am not alone in this.
Ive had a stepdad (from a young age) and a step-mom (late twenties until currently *30’s).A good point to make is this article isnt about ALL step parents. My stepdad was incredible. I was a stepparent and although her father and I are no longer together she and I are still best of friends. My step-mother, on the other hand, is an evil, dark narcissistic monster! She wasnt like this until my sister was born (her daughter) and she knew she would get her hands on his money! She lies, she manipulates people and is EXTREMELY CONTROLLING! Why? because she can and she LOVES watching people hurt! My poor father is not in the best health and she is so aweful to him she keeps putting him in the hospital. He is going to have a heart attack! It isnt about STEP parents…it is about NARCISSISTS!!!!! My real mother was like this too (not AS much with me because I am the golden child). People tend to marry the same people over and over. I find the article to be VERY accurate and made me feel UNDERSTOOD! Thank you! Also, if you are so QUICK to assume that “Oh, that is horrid, it is the childs fault”…maybe you should be aware of a concept called PROJECTION and look in the MIRROR!!!
This is a surefire way to inspire more hatred towards a stepmother who has genuinely tried to make a successful blended family work and truly loves her new husband. The author is obviously bitter and immature and hates and disrespects women, because not all remarriages result in the stepmothers being gold-diggers. You should be ashamed of yourself, get a life!
There are good moms and bad moms. There are good stepmoms and bad stepmoms…and everything in between in both cases. Life is a continuum. This article is only about the bad stepmoms, and it resonates with far too many stepdaughters and stepsons here to be off-base.
I was in college when my dad remarried. My mom had died a few years earlier. He was over-the-top “in love” and his second wife was given control over everything. And she seized it. It helped a lot that my dad was an alcoholic.
Three of her four children moved into the house. I was told to find my own housing. She sold all of my mother’s belongings and bought extravagantly for herself and her children. Nothing was good enough for them, despite the fact that they were dirt poor when she married my dad and everything they were spending was his money. When her daughter and I both became engaged around the same time, they paid for every penny of her huge gaudy wedding and told me to go to h***. And there were so many other things that happened like that. When my son was born, they told me they really did not care. If I wanted to travel several hours and bring the baby to them, they might be able to spare me half an hour. Growing up in my family of origin was extremely abusive in every way as it was and my father’s marriage to her was just the icing on the cake that sent me off into adulthood totally broken.
I can EASILY relate to this story. My biological mother, and father had similar, passive personalities; and came from broken homes. When they divorced – they ended up marrying essentially the same person – loud, type-a, controlling, unattractive, insecure people.
So I can relate to this article.
I recommend this: keep your head down, turn 18, and get out of there. If you’re not quite 18 – I feel your pain, too. I recommend: avoid home like the plague, try and find a relative/friend to live with, and if you must live with them – give them absolutely zero emotional gratification.
As a teenager it is very difficult to realize the how and why of it all. And I agree with a poster above it doesn’t get better once you will realize because it’s a whole new set of issues to deal with. However, this was a great article. In response to options to deal with the stress the author is not far off.
As an adult who was an abused child in this sort of situation, I am currently dealing with my choice #2. Seems that option #1 did not work so as an adaptable creature the human is #2 was a way to manage. Wouldn’t you know that is the newest reason I’ve been ousted in my family by my stepmother- from childhood lies and manipulations to balance situations and her moods, to be a peacemaker for my own sanity.
Granted these doings were 15 years ago! But every word and action is still being compared to and accused to when I was a teen. I haven’t lied in years and am a completely open person. Let me tell you this- if someone is looking for a reason they’ll find it. If someone doesn’t want to see something they won’t. The hardest part of it all is maintaining your true identity through it all.
But please don’t get discouraged. Stay honest to yourself and keep your perspectives on the situation realistic. If you are a child please speak to a school counselor or priest. If youre an adult find the same! Running away for them or the situation is only temporary and believe me it will return in one way or another and affect your life and those who really truly love and accept you with predjudice and judgment. Please learn not to take away from the good people in your life by only focusing on the bad.
The dance with anger is an excellent starter book to bring relationship patterns and your part in continuing the cycle to light. Good luck. And wish you all peace in your hearts.
Matthew 21:18-35
If a man marries a woman such as women described here and allows the mistreatment of his child for no other reason than than the woman he married is disturbed or greedy?Or because he wants his needs met at the expense of his children?
It’s the fault of the Father,the Parent.
He is responsible for his children until they leave his home or until the age of majority.He is the one who allows his children to be robbed of Mom’s things and family fortune..This article sounds like a Grim’s tale or Disney film.
Why not tell the youngsters to seek help from a guidance counselor,minister or priest,the authorities?No child deserves abuse and encouraging lies,devious behavior..is that really good advice?So,to get ahead in life you must lie,deceive,manipulate?Are you serious,Ben?
How about a good education so you can leave your Fathers home,support yourself and acquire your own fortune or comfortable life?And learn from your parents poor choices?Break the cycle in your own life.Get therapy if needed to achieve these things and heal?Not,learn to become a devious,lying manipulator because your Daddy is a loser and his wife is a greedy hag?
If Your Dad can’t be considerate enough to protect his child, draw a will,hand over Mom’s things on his own accord before the marriage or move in of another woman takes place,etc the fault lies with Dad.Same for any woman allowing her husband to do the same to her children from previous marriage and not taking care of her business.
I’ll be honest..I don’t like my husbands kids much and am a midlife second wife.They have given me reasons(valid)not to but I do understand they are hurting.That hurt was not caused by me but by their parents years before I became involved.I wish it were different.
I back off so they can spend time alone with their Father.I never speak ill of their Mom(LIVING).I would never begrudge them of sentimental or family items.
I’ve worn myself out trying to accommodate their high expectations and neurosis when we have the honor of their presence..
You’d think I was guarding Fort Knox with rifle in one hand ,poison apple in the other and state their Mom is chewed gum on the bottom of my shoe regularly in their presence due to the behavior they display at times.
And they are paranoid over Daddy’s items,needlessly.
You know what?My husband loves it I believe.It gives him an ego boost to see the kids and wifey worry and sit and spin.In the meantime he refuses to see an attorney and get his affairs in order so the fears will be resolved for all involved and life can be lived peaceably..Sick,huh?
Sometimes the hard feelings between children and current wife is because the Father creates contention the children have no idea about with wife.Plays both sides against the middle.Creates contention the wife has no idea about when he complains to his children when the waters get rough in marriage causing resentment and judgement.
You should address the Father may also be a bully in addition to a love blinded fool.Or an immature man who feeds off this type of attention and dynamic to fulfill his own twisted needs.
The author is right not all steps are monsters.
Not all stepchildren are blameless victims either.Some become perpetual victims though because they choose it instead of seeking help.
I’m sure these types of women exist but really this article should be titled “Don’t let a worthless Father ruin your life.”
Point the finger of blame at the TRUE SOURCE instead of perpetuating Cinderella,Snow White and Parent Trap.
Your Father is the one who chose her(Toxic or resisted stepmom) and stays.Blame him.Talk to someone who can help or remove you from the home of your Father if you are a minor and are truly abused.If you are an adult,get help to heal.
Don’t allow yourself to be stuck in victim-hood…as Anonpost said if you don’t seek help to heal, it will affect your life and other relationships.Such as your own marriage some day and children.
If you are an Adult and removing yourself from them is in the best interest of your mental health..do it.It’s not running away it’s self preservation.Is Dad’s money,items,choices of companions,etc worth your health and happiness?Is it worth your integrity?
Your Dad made choices.You can also make choices that will affect you long after you are out from under Dad’s roof.Choose well.
BTW,Both my parents were stepchildren.They still complain and carry burdens due to hurt from their step parents who are both long dead.They are in their 70’s.Neither place any blame on their PARENTS.They just complain about dead people to this day and I get the pleasure of hearing it often(it gets old)…not worth it.
My Father asked me if I minded him remarrying when I was 8. Just 2 years after losing my Mum. They met because I found a little girlfriend who invited me alone to her birthday party. We became very close as she’d gone through her parents messy divorce. I became friends with her brother too. Being an only child I’d always fantasised about having siblings and was over joyed, even though I had to give up my bedroom and share my Dad and home. Things soon turned dark as my now step sister and I were banned from being togther and my stepmother continued a regime of abuse against me for 8 years till my Father, exhausted with her hair brained business plans and having to return to labouring work at age 50+, died. Orphaned at 16 she kicked me out, caused my Dad to disown his crippled Mother with parkisons disease and turned my family and Dad’s friends against me with her lies. It was only for my good friends family’s charity that I didn’t end up on the streets. I continued with education and got an IT diploma – all through my 20’s I enjoyed life, work and had good relationships. However now I’m 37 and child abuse is now spoken about I’m wracked with feelings of vengence and hatred. Also disbelief and dismay that an adult can be so evil to an innocent. I now feel I can’t have a family of my own and I’m unable to face the posibility of the cycle of abuse coming back into my life. I’ve suffered anxiety disorder and depression recently. It makes me so angry when “experts” on here talk about “generalisations” well I don’t think all this talk of “instinctive genetic placement of their own offspring” is any excuse for victimising children. These actions are as immoral as a man’s destructive instinct for promiscuity in our society but it seems women can be much more insidiously and calculatingly evil than men and get away with it. I lost everything to this septic woman’s insecurities and ego and I doubt I will ever trust womankind with a family of my own. I also feel that my family and society generally have sorely let me down while she has walked away with the house that my Mother bought with my Father – all her and my Fathers posessions. I tried to have a relationship with my half sister by her but despite having many things in common and becoming close again she felt unable to bretray her by seeing me. BEN IS BANG ON with his article – naysayers on here haven’t had to live through the pain of broken families. I will never forget the look of satisfaction on her face as she forced, sat and watched my Dad whip my bare arse with a leather belt and her telling me that I should be glad my Mothers dead as her kids had their Dad walk out alive and didn’t want to see them often – which was a lie as she wouldn’t let him see them very often anyway. Incidentally I haven’t forgiven my dead Father for betraying me or my dead Mothers memory either, and my Step-half siblings for letting me down and letting it all happen. My step sister, in her defence, did come to an actual slapping match with her Mother over my abuse one time, but was forced to shut up. It’s comforting to know there are others who have suffered similarly and survived. Love and Good luck to you all!! To the “experts” who think they have these lofty PC opinons but have never experienced abuse – jog on!!!
When I read this article, I swore the author (Ben) was writing about my life.
When I was 14, my father married a beautiful women who is fifteen years younger than my Dad, and who has three daughters. My Dad was so excited to have a beautiful wife he could parade around because he was a very successful business man. I was excited to because my real mom had behavioral health issues and abondoned my brother and myself.
She and her three daughters moved into our house. She quit her job, brought in huge debt, refused to sign a prenup, hired a maid, and proceeded to spend my Dad’s money on her and her kids on tons of high end items (rolex’s, furs, etc). She harrassed my Dad constantly about kicking my brother (16) out of the house because he was a “slob”. She would spray lysol on my chair after I stood up – but never in front of my father. She wouldn’t let her daughters use the same bathroom as me after she found out I had a bladder infection – telling everyone I was dirty and she was afraid her daughters would catch a disease from me. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house. I was completely demoralized and decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps and make something of myself.
I went to college and to graduate school. I worked very hard, became a successful business women, married a great guy and now I have three wonderful children.
At every step of the way, my stepmonster tried to cause harm to me and my family any way she could. She would verbally attack me and when I defended myself, she would flip things around, calling me the aggressor and poor her is being victimised. I constantly walked on egg shells because if I did one little thing wrong – BAM! Excuse to make me look bad.
We were never invited to their house and they lived five miles from us. When we called, she checked caller ID and never picked up the phone. She never called us, never sent a card, never asked about us. She could not pick my kids out of line-up because even at family holiday’s she completley ignored us. When we went to their house to help my Dad with chores, she would never come out of her first floor bedroom. Even my ten year old son new she heard us (he calls her my Fake Grandma). All the while, my Dad ignored her treatment, pretended like it’s perfectly normal, condemmed me if I said anyhthing about it.
My father is now close to death and in his weak state, she has manipulated him into giving her a very cherished (and very valuable) asset he has promised me all of my life. He was in the process of giving it to me (told me don’t let her find out) when she found out. She told him that if he did, she would not take care of him when he got sick. I was very sad but realized the difficult position he was in. Then, out of the blue, he called me and told me that if I sold my lake house with proof of sale (and at a significant loss right now), he would give me the asset. HUGH?? It was like her words were comiing out of his mouth. Nothing he said made any sense and he said it with such anger.
I realized that she had taken over his mind. I was so incredibly hurt by how he treated me. He is her puppet now. I have not called him and he has not called me since.
I now realized that he is not an innocent party to the abuse. He married her without thought of how she treated us, turned his head to her cruetly, never stood up to her, and let her use him as her weapon. I have a good idea that I am cut out of the will now – but I realize there is nothing I can do about it. She is in his ear 24/7 telling him what a selfish, self-centered daughter I am and that his money should go to her daughters – who are now alcoholics (2/3)and close to being on welfare because they refuse to work. I am scared he is going to die and this is the way it will end. But I just can’t bring myself to take another verbal beating.
I can completely empathize with all of the other people who wrote about their evil parents – it hurts like he** and I don’t think you ever get over it. It haunts my thoughts constantly. I am hoping the author is right and that someday, this pain will go away.
Once a ‘meanie’ always a ‘meanie’. People don’t change. If they have it in them to be mean to the children of the man they supposibly love, they will always have that ability (to be an absolutly horrid,lowethsome, mean person). Don’t expect a happy ending or your dad to magically have his eyes opened one day-still waiting for that and have been for over thirty years! Sad to say but its true-i don’t know why men can be so blindly stupid-but they are-they’re f—–g idiots. There should be a law against these kind of stepmoms and you should be able to sew for damages!!! Some wounds never heal…especially when you are still having to bend over and take it with your best manners, in order to be in your dads life, or to try to have him be in the life of your children-(his grandchildren). Nothing like putting up with the same disrespect from the women that (lets be honest)if she could would wish you into nonexistence the moment she met your dad and found out of your annoying existence. She’s one mean,lady, as vindictive, manipulative and coniving as lucifer himself can create. Full of all the most toxic, poison,destructive emotions, thoughts and personality traits, that one person can embody. Who can protect the impressionable child, placed in her aim? The child who looks up to them as a role model, an authority figure, a person they can trust whom will protect them, the person who is to be your fathers love, his wife, another mother to you– who can protect a child against someone with that kind of power over them???? Maybe themselves if their soul is stronge enough-if they survive their childhood-but remember if its up to her (the step mom) she will sabotage them into self destruction with her malicious, full of pure hate, most inner wishes, that she secretly harbors inside her mind, heart and soul-against the children of the man that she supposibly loves, her husband. She embodies everything that the bible says is the opposite of love; jealousy, envy, wrath, self serving, proud, etc…..A person cannot have these emotions inside them and love at the same time. Be afraid for your father because he is with a very dangerous woman, the worst kind-She will kill and betray him with a kiss-like Judas did to Christ, for whatever gold she can get- Keep your children away from her-she would do the same to them as she did or tried to do to you-protect your children from the woman that your father did not, and will not protect you from-his wife,your STEPMOTHER!
I have a stepmother and she is so manipulating.
She has allways been mean to me! Also she hates my grandparents and one of my aunties. My grandmother and auntie know how she is, they know how manipultaing she is thowards my dad.
When i first met her she was really kind and i liked her! (she has two kids). Wich meant that i got two play buddies so i was glad she moved in. Her daughter is two years younger than me and her son is four years older than me. I can’t really remember when she started to dislike me so much. I was kind to her kids. (but yeah, all children fight sometimes!) So i won’t deny that it was a little fighting.. My Dad and my stepmother started fighting early in their relationship. And my dad has a really bad temper so it was alot of screaming and things that was being thrown around the house. (He would never hit her of course!) Because of her my dad never eats dinner with his parents when they invite my dad (or both of them). My dads parents live 5 min away from us too. And the only reason she dislike my grandparents so much is because my grandmother told her that it was inappropriate to wear a black wedding dress, that it would be like she was attending her own funeral or something.. My stepmother never smiles to me or anything! I remember when i was five years old? maybe. I allways tried to make her laugh or smile by doing hilarious things. And she starts to fight with my dad because i am staying at their house for two days. And if i get mad at anyone she allways say things like ”Have you taken your medication?” ( Yes, i have ADHD). But saying stuff like that is rude! My doctor has told my parents that they should never say things like that. It’s okay to ask me if i remembered to take my medicine. But my stepmother says it in a way that you know that she is trying to be disgusting and awful thowards you. My stepsister also let me borrow her clothes sometimes. We are the same size so we borrow eachother’s clothes. And i remember i forgot to give back a pair of jeans to her. So my stepmother texted my mom, and she was also very rude to my mom in those text messages. Both me and mom thought it was really childish and stupid that my stepmother got mad at her.. My dad never gets mad at her for being big-mouthed. But if i starts to get big-mouthed thowards her he reacts immediately! Also he is treating my stepsister like a daughter more than his real daughter.
Also i remember that if i went out shopping with her and her kids she allways bought them ice cream and candy. And i used too ask if i could get ice cream too. Her answer was allways ”Don’t you have a mother yourself that can buy you things? I am not your mother!”
Finally Said told it like it is. Until you have had a cruel stepmother or stepfather you do not know what these children have to go through. Often these children are small children scared for their lives. The laws do not protect these children like they should. I know all of this because my grandchildren have to endure all of this cruelity from their stepmom and stepbrothers. they are three and six years old. They have been abused and their father does not believe them. Now tell me you don’t agree with the man who wrote this article. My babies are suffering and the will not protect them.
I am an adult who fortunately for me never had to live with Dad’s new wife. She drove my sister, and brother out of my fathers life.I held on putting up with her until my father didn’t remember who I was anymore. My father had Alzheimer’s. When I visited last he asked me who I was. Then he asked her why she didn’t tell him he had a son. Before that we talked every week on the phone. She conveniently kept him on the other side of the country. He recently passed. I found out two weeks after he passed from a letter from his attorney. She ran an obituary naming her entire family as survivors and left his children completely out.
I am taking the high road by not retaliating or letting her know that she was able to hurt me. She also reduced me in his will and got him to write my Sibling out. She truly is evil and knows it. I will make sure I get what I can if I have to hire an attorney. I know not all step mothers are bad, but the ones I have known are completely self absorbed and sound just like Ben described.
i understand how many stepmothers may feel hurt by this article. i have both a stepfather and a stepmother (which makes my mom a stepmother for my stepfather’s sons), and i fully understand that not ALL stepparents are treacherous or malicious. My own stepfather is one of the most loving, caring and understanding people I have ever met, and even though my father is still alive, my stepdad treats me like his own daughter.
I have, however, the misfortune of having a toxic stepmother, exaclty as portrayed, and this article has really been helpful. I have finally undertsood why I spontaneously chose to step away, even though it makes me feel guilty sometimes for not being with my father as much and i should and would have liked to. even though the choice of words may have been a bit harsh, the “dissembling” part pretty much saved my self-esteem and possibly part of my future..
ok i think the only reason these evil stepmothers are the way they are for is there jealous at the fact that there own kids didn’t have a dad so they take it out on the new kids and yes there are some good stepparents and some evil ones I have an up and down relationship with my stepfather and had an ok one with my 1st stepmother and ok with the 2nd one was good too my dad is till with her but she’s sick but as I was saying it does anger me to the core that these women and there’s men to say it isn’t just women it’s men too but as for the evil stepmothers like I said the only reason most of them are the way they are is because there jealous that they didn’t have a dad growing up and neither did her kids so she wants his no kids to pay for it by turning their dad against them by abusing them even if they only visit for the weekend make up shit just to get them in trouble and think they can get it away with it it’s like they can’t accept there new man had a kid touched and slept with another woman but yet it was okay for her to go and have sex and bring another child into the world by another man and she thinks she can get everything she wants and only saw ever her and her and her own damn kids in the relationship wah my kids dont have a dad let me take it out on yours and then men and women who aloud are to blame but I guess it is mostly the men they think it’s the end of the thinking world because they can’t fathom the idea of being alone thinking it’s the end of the world or that there a loser or that they want somebody to take care of them or wanting a piece and quiet life and drama free life and pussy whipped men but I get the fact men don’t like drama or don’t wanna rock the boat I get that but I mean come on your gonna allow some bitch too treat your kids like shit Im sick of these people personally I wanna knock some sense into them but im sorry that you all went through this shit
I had my own problem with a stepmother. She was never nice to me and my sister to begin with. When her first child was born, It was the beginning of hell for us. Back when I was 5, and none of her children had yet been born, she’d used vile language and I tried to resist her. Soon after, she turned my father against me and he got very violent with me once, trying to hit me with a thick stick on my head which I blocked with my hand, but which almost broke my hand. It was incredible that my own father would use that kind of force. I decided after that on option 2. This girl(my stepmother) in a very calculated manner, would find anything I valued and take it from me. I never heard my favourite songs, if I managed to get something, she’d take it and give it to her children. She encouraged her children to insult me and my sister regularly until I finally decided on option 1 where they were concerned.I told my father all this was happening, and then a few weeks later, he came and said we were lying.
To make the long story short, my father, and my stepmother, made our lives a living hell. To give justice to their not-so-glamorous personalities, there was a high staff turn-over because of my stepmother’s lies,my father’s childish tantrums, and my stepmother’s children’s being completely misbehaved.
I tried to be fair as possible, but out of my own self respect, i could not allow my younger siblings to be verbally abusive and I took action to also protect my sister from them. But generally speaking, I took the second option.
The rewards I got from my stepmother was:
a) As many lies as she could tell to get me in trouble.
b)Trying to get as much information about what I was doing so she’d have something to report to my father so he could punish me for it
c)Mean and spiteful tone of voice, and words, and in spite of her venom, if you dared hint any resistence, she’d lie and use it to force punishment on me and my sister.
d)Seeking to find out anything I like, so as to make sure she either ridicules it out of existence, or hides it so I can not find it again, or, if it’s an object, so she can throw it away or use it for herself or her kids.
e)Making sure I got no presents for my school performance, or if I got any presents, she’d find a reason to take them away.
f)After almost 10 years of having excellent grades at school despite the problems they were causing me at home, my father finally got tired of my good grades and came to school to cause me problems(talking to my headteachers about what a bad student I was, getting my school trips cancelled, bad mouthing me to teachers at school) and finally, my grades did plummet at that point because well, you can only take so much nonsense and negativity in your life.
That was over 10 years ago. I made sure my sister and I left. While I have to admit my childhood was a lot of fun, and I made lots of good friends, I don’t really want to meet my stepmother and father ever again. It’s like one long 15 year old bad dream.
I know what mean I have a stepmother as well that is greedy! I was thrown out of the house @ 15 (in 1968 I guess that was ok) after living out of trash cans until I came down with double lemonia tried to return home but I was denied returned to the vacant lot to die ; next day a friend of mine found took me home nursed me back to health cleaned up my act & helped find a job
life goes on get over it
By the way my dad died 2/20/10 left me$$$$$$$$ I was suppose get @ age 65 ; My stepmother changed the trust so now must wait till she drops dead I told To stop collecting air miles go to the store buy a broom & ride that instead of driving her Big Mexican Wiener (BMW) & flying to all over the world ; think of all the fuel she could save I can,t fight her legal dream team but I sure fun writing love letters to her hopefully she tries to GO GREEN with a broom from a air plain
First of all, what kind of psychotherapist suggests that a person be devious, lie and hide in order to get what they want?! That is the most idiotic and unprofessional advice I’ve ever heard. This is pretty black and white thinking about stepmothers, and seems to only take the stance that the kids never had any part in how their stepmother treated them. Which is ridiculous.
My father died over Christmas of this year, and instead of being supportive and kind, my half-sisters have been nothing but manipulative, greedy and completely dishonest with me and my mom (their stepmother.) My mom and I have been nothing but honest and kind to them. But now they are suing my mom because they feel they were unfairly left out of the will, without taking into account all the debt and dwindling estate that my dad left behind. They are being completely selfish and greedy, and I’m sure they think they are just being victimized by their “toxic” stepmom. This article probably just reinforced to my half sister of her inaccurate assessment that she is just an innocent victim of her family and circumstance, while never once taking a look in the mirror to realize that she is much to blame for her misfortunes and bad choices.
They have been more toxic than anything, and it makes me realize what truly disgusting human beings they actually are. We used to have a close relationship, but they have ruined it with their deceit and hurtful actions by picking on my mom and me.
So Ben, why don’t you take into account that your article is just creating more drama and tension within families, and instead of promoting war and hatred, you should tell the stepchildren to grow up and get over themselves!!
Need advice please. I am an adult step child with 2 full blood siblings, to my father’s 3rd wife, who came in tow with 2 of her own kids about 20 years ago. She was friendly with my first step-mom and upon learning of their split, jumped on the opportunity to be a “companion” to her old friends wealthy ex-husband, subsequently marrying him as he was looking for a care taker and she was more than willing to take the job, feigning it was for reason’s of love. Within one week of their marraige, after moving out of her sister’s basement with her 2 unappreciative brats, into my Dad’s big fancy home and quit her “big career” as a lunch lady. In that time she has stolen money from him (blaming me and my siblings), lied to him and even proposed that he adopt her children (by the way, their father was alive at the time). Now that he is sick, and we are grown up and out of the house, she is supposed to be taking care of him. She lies to us about his medical condition and I doubt she ensures he is taking his neccessary medication. She has alot to gain from his death and he is increasingly dependant on her so will not “rock the boat” if you will, disregarding our warnings to him about her. He has advised everyone of his intentions regarding his estate but will not update his will. She will no doubt be enjoying things that are not intended for her (as she insists to him that “of course” she would carry out his wishes to the “T”). No, not all step-mother’s are evil – but this one is. What’s my recourse and how do I ensure that his intentions are carried out concening the division of his estate?
The writer of this article is a complete idiot.
What an interesting article! I too thought that this was a page out of my life. I have had over 20 years of ill treatment from a toxic step-mother. I now have children of my own and I now have freed myself to protect them from the negative and psychological trauma. I cut ties with my Dad so I could have a wonderful happy life. I really want to say thank-you I’m not the only one that has gone through this and been passed off as crazy. This article really hit the nail on the head in my case.
Hi, thanks for this website. And thanks to a lot of the commentors, especially AdultButNot, we’ve had a lot of similarities in our lives.
My Dad asked me to let my step mum stay in our house when he died, I accepted. At the time I was fine with it, I didn’t realise what she was really like. I heard she’d had a hard life and was an orphan and stuff for a long time; so I felt I should do my best to stay out of it and adhere to my father’s wishes.
As time went on she became more paranoid (she smokes weed all of the time), she believed in her head that I was against her and wanted her gone. The fact was that I never gave a shit and was focused on my own wants and needs, and my own fucking life.
She also believed me and my friends were all bullying her cause she’d send my father up to tell us to be quiet and we’d all just say, oh is Maria having trouble sleeping? And try to keep it down a bit.
I know I’ve made tons of mistakes in my life, I’m so far from perfect, but I apologise and recognise and try to learn when I do. She does not. So one night she gets really drunk and starts yelling at me, I tell my father I want nothing to do with it and turn up my music. Meanwhile also deciding to get drunk, knowing that it’d be better to be drunk later when shit starts to escalate.
So just as expected, shit escalates, she’s down there talking shit about me and how I’m not mature enough to be studying psychology at University and asking my Dad for money at the same time. My girlfriend overheard and sort of explained this to me, so I got a little mad. Eventually she comes up stairs and I say why I’ve got my music up, because I don’t want to hear her shit talk me all the fucking time.
Yelling ensues, she then retreats to my father, and I go to my room, I wait there while my girlfriend asks me to leave with her. Next thing I know my dad’s summoning me downstairs for a conversation. I don’t remember exactly what was said, basically the same things that are always said and I flat up ask her if I’m so bad and it’s so bad here why she doesn’t leave or why she can’t buy some fucking ear plugs if she doesn’t like hearing me getting a drink of water at 11 PM. And she has no rational explanation for this. She just shakes her head and dismisses me as the immature little fuck that I am.
So I start to get even angrier, I yelled a lot of mean things and wished her to die of several things, eventually she throws water at me and I break some $2 buddha water fountain thing.
My Dad nearly hits me, and says I can’t do that, but apparently it’s fine to douse a 22 year old with ice cold water just cause you disagree with their entire existence.
Anyway, I’ve given up trying to be nice to her, and have now started purposely fucking with her and saying awful things to her. Hopefully she fucking leaves, I don’t care if she gets all my dad’s worldly possessions for her and her bogan family, I just want to be able to study and self-actualise without her bullshit anywhere near me.
She now has her son threatening to beat me up, first via facebook then this morning he was banging on my door threatening to rip my throat out if I disagree with his mother again.
My dad wont deal with it, he’ll say “bury it!” and it wont be buried, I’ve buried many things before and tried my best to do better with whatever she has a problem with to the point where I tip toe around the house and sit in my room starving till I eventually fall asleep at 2-3am because I’m not allowed to cook after 9PM.
Where is the compromise? Where is the logic? Where is the sanity? Why can’t I live the way I wish, whenever she’s not here I feel so free and that I can be myself. I even have conversations with my dad sometimes, and we never did that ever before in life. He failed as a parent by never being around and my mother was a schizophrenic. And now I have a delusional step-mom with serious entitlement issues preventing me from having a relationship with my father in any aspect.
Thus is life.
this article is a warning to fathers who are making the biggest mistakes of their lives .mydad has screwd up big tym and i am notletting that happen so thank you.i’ll make use of it as soon as possible but how do you expose what a horrible monster she is?
I found this article was very well written. I am 15 and I am having stepmother issues currently. She was amazing before the wedding, but after the wedding when she and her son came home, things changed…
She wanted her son to be equal to me. Which, is alright to me and I agreed to that. But, things went out of hand when she started treating him superior to me and allowed him to do anything he wished. He is a troublemaker, brainless student, and a bulky, who only did things if he was interested into them. She led on! If anyone did something against him or his wishes she would be angry with them, act sad and depressed all the time till she got what she wanted… Which, she always does. She is angry right now as I write. I hate my life right now, she’s ruined my childhood… Sometimes I don’t wanna come home from school, I find it a better place…. My father doesn’t respect me as he used to and I can’t wait to move out.
A lot of these step monsters have second wife syndrome, and they can’t handle being #2. They are so jealous of the first wife they take it out on the kids who are a part of the mother.
I wonder how many of these marriages started out as an affair. Chances are the step mom deliberately sought to destroy the 1st marriage to get a man and a home for herself and her own fatherless kids.
Don’t look to the dad for help, because no matter how big and tough they are, the dad’s are pussy whipped and are afraid of failing, afraid of being alone. They are wimps and will not listen to their own kids. They are coo coo for coco puffs.
I would say go with choice #1 and drive the steps out their minds and out of the house. Hell, the kids are going to be punished anyway, might as well make it count for something!
I’m livin with a step mom for nearly 13 yrs now, and its only becoming worse. She constantly lies about what she says (giving out orders) I have a little anger issue which can be dealth with, but everytime I get in to an argument with here when she is 100% guilty, she runs to my dad and tells him, so he starts screaming at me because I have an anger issue he makes it way more then it is and he says I’m guilty cuz I scream, I told him that she strated screamin first in response I screamed back, I’m only human, No?! But she is right.. I’m fed up with it, I want to leave this BAD (yes, isaid BAD) life. Enough is enough! She constntly lies, I can’t take it ne more. I want to run away far far away… Plz god help me!!!
I would like to suggest to the step-kids that are underage and still living at home-if you are in a really bad situation,is there a relative you can possibly live with instead of your dad and his wife?Also,to the other kids who can still deal with continuing to live at home,please focus on your schooling,find out what you are good at and interested in,and strive towards finding/making a career for yourself.And no,I don’t mean you all have to be doctors,lawyers,etc.If you want to be in a blue collar job,a lot of trades pay very well.Maybe you want to teach,or be a cop.Maybe you want to be a landscaper-just find SOMETHING you want to do that will help make you happy.The truth is,for a lot of people,you won’t be able to make anything change for the better at home.And that’s okay-it is not your responsibility to spend your life dealing with something that you can’t change.So,focus on school,homework,and try to get a part-time job so you won’t be at home too much.But do Not allow yourself to get involved in drugs,drinking,or hanging out /dating people who are going to try to take advantage of you,especially if you are in a depressed state.You MUST focus on doing what you must do so that you can one day be happy.I know some teens might think this advice is boring,but you’d be surprised how much fun you can have,-after working at a part-time job,just grabbing a donut and a pop at a donut shop and hanging with other co-workers and talking is great.Also,watch the old movie “The Breakfast Club”-you will see you aren’t alone.So many people have problems.You aren’t alone-just realize that you can make your life better.Education,working,and staying out of trouble can lead you to a happier life-and away from people that are making you so unhappy now.
I guess I should add-I know where every one is coming from-my real mom died when I was six.My dad re-married ten and a half weeks later-yes,WEEKS-to a young girl-almost 21.I have lived through things that are nearly unbelievable.I still am-several decades later.I don’t have all the answers-but I believe in the advice I gave all of you .It is exactly what I would have liked to have heard.
This is such a helpful blog. You’re right “The best revenge is a great life” 🙂 I’ll stay strong and focus on my own life.
thank you. i have been struggling with my dad to see that my soon to be step mother it almost exactly as you describe her.
i thank you for the lecture as it has help me understand more.
i am not a teenager any more but i am a student and can`t afford my own place so i stay at home, and it is hell every time i came home, as i said i am not a teenager but i never want to come home, just thinking of home make me angry, Thanks again
EVERYTHING IN ITS OWN TIME
You tried to break me
But I bend
You tried to harm me
But I mend
You tried to shake me
But I stand tall
And I fall
And I fall
And I fall away from it all.
You tell your stories
And the weak believe
Those I thought
Could never be deceived
And I learn to hold on to myself
Oh,I walk through hell
I walk through hell.
And a summer’s sun washes over me
Winter’s breath,sets me free
The heavens watch,over me
As I break free
Oh,I break free.
And I’ll stay true
I’ll stay strong
I’ll stand tough
When all seems gone
I will fight
I’ll persevere
And be all that I’m meant to be
No,you’re not going to ever change me
I’ll keep the light shining in me
Because now I see
Oh,now I see
You-for who you really are
Oh,I’ll never let myself sink so far
I will reach for my own stars
And I will shine
Oh,I will shine-oh,everything in its own time
I will shine.
Hi!!! this article meantso much to me !! i can’t express how much it meant to me. it saved my life ! ! !
I have read several of these stories and I just want to cry, for these are tales that my now 9 year old granddaughter is having to live with and has been dealing with since she was 5. There is nothing I can do or say or I risk not being able to see or speak with my granddaughter. Emotional Blackmail, how can my son be so blind to this evil woman? Whenever she gets in trouble no matter how small the punishment is so extreme. They have already thrown away or destroyed all the stuffed animals, dolls, playhouses, kitchens, etc.. anything I ever gave her. I just pray alot. The time I am able to spend with my grandaughter I try to do my best to smother her in love and let her be a kid. I know she cant wait till she is of age to come live with me, it will be late teens or when she graduates, I know it wil be a long road, I just pray she will be strong and hold on. I copied the poem ‘Another Cinderella Said’ wrote, in time when she is ready I will read it to her. I dont know how to talk to her without sounding like I am bad mouthing her stepmom, who is the only mom she has, she does love her, inspite of how controlling, manipulative, cold and spitefull she is, the stepmom does reward her when she is good or does good. I just dont understand how someone can be so mean, does she not see herself, can she not hear herself? How does one so young deal with this? How does one so young keep it all together inside? Any suggestions for a granmother would be aprieciated.
Hi,ConcernedGrandma,
It is awful what you are going through,but wonderful that you care.You asked what you can do-well,probably just remain a good positive ‘constant’ in your granddaughter’s life.I would not tell her until she is older-close to the age when she can legally leave home-that she can live with you-as,in the heat of the moment,she may tell her parents and you would run the risk of being forbidden to see her.(Of course,if she runs away from home one day,and hopefully to you,well,then,that will be another story.
I noticed you were reiterating in your post that you know the stepmother loves your granddaughter-I am sorry to say this but it read like you were trying to convince yourself of that.If it is true that your granddaughter is being unfairly’punished’, then it sounds to me like the woman is trying to control,and,to hazard a guess, verbally beat down,and using her ‘rewards’ as a way to try to show how ‘loving’ she can be.If this is the case,it sounds twisted to me.I wonder what will happen as your granddaughter ages-not being able to voice her own opinions, perhaps.
I see a lot of young people/children who are rude and demanding and it blows my mind as I was such a good kid-read a lot,wrote poetry,did my homework and studied for teste without being told to,and as a teen had two part-time jobs and did a lot of household chores-never needing to be reminded to do them-and still got criticized constantly,yelled at,and a lot more that I won’t go into.I was hardly ever ‘spoken’,just mainly ordered or yelled at.If this is where you see your granddaughter’s life is headed,(although,based on your letter,I sensed your daughter-in-law is more of a ‘controlled’person -probably not a yeller)then maybe the best you can do is have her come spend a lot of the summer holidays with you.You would have to act like you really would love her company and that you were trying to give your son and his wife some ‘couple time-basically,that you’re thinking of them.Also,it would be nice if you told your granddaughter every time you see her,near the end of your visits,something like”always remember how much I love you”-preferably out of earshot of her parents.The fact that you are concerned that your visits will be discontinued if you voice your concerns shows that your son is not an angel,either.Sorry.There must be a hardness in him that would allow his wife to get away with her behavior-and an obvious greater concern of receiving affection from his wife than anything else.
I wonder how your granddaughter copes-if she cries or just gets quiet,or verbally stands up for herself.The fact that the stepmother is allowed to do what she is doing with I presume no intervention from your son basically leads me to believe that the best thing for your granddaughter to do is to try to stay out of her parents way.She is in a no-win situation.You,unfortunately,have a tough road ahead.You will have a ‘mess’to clean up,depending on how much emotional damage is done-and hopefully that is the only kind of damage.
You asked what you can do-just love her,tell her and show her.Often.That is the best that you can do.It may also be just enough to get her through.
I’m glad you like my poem.I hope one day it will help your granddaughter.
Please forgive a spelling error,as well as a couple of other missing words in my above post-I am using my smart phone and it is difficult to correct after finishing what I have wrote.
i lived with a woman made my life hell, she has turned my father against me and some of my “friends”. i tried very hard to be nice to her and was scared of her for years. she would search my room while i was at school for no reason, i was a good kid, no drugs, no drinking. i even made her the mother of the groom at my wedding. and she tried to ruin my marrage. so i say, if you were a good step mom good for you. but there are some that are just evil. i no longer talk to my father because he always sides with her. i have since told her off and to leave my life alone. which means my kids will not have a grandfather… sad but true
Dear God in heaven. You guys should try being a stepmom sometime. Especially to what appear to be some of the malicious disturbed individuals on this thread (not all). Oh yes it’s always stepmoms fault that your parents didn’t work out. It’s always our fault that your dad had the nerve to try to be happy with someone new. You hate us since you feel we are an alien in your life. But we’re not supposed to have any of the same feelings? Our feelings of being unwanted in unknown territory are not valid? Luckily I am a stepmom to two very sweet children. We all know we’re in a tough situation to maneuver sometimes but we always remember to treat each other with respect. Many of you who’ve spouted your vitriol on here have, in my opinion, forfeited your rights to respect. You’re pissed off at the world. I get it. But only YOU can make your situations better. Have you ever thought that maybe YOU could be your own worst enemy? And consider this: with your awful, hateful attitudes (I’m speaking now to those of you on here who’ve called your stepmoms awful names, refuse to take any blame for your part in anything) you will likely get a divorce at some point in your life. With your hateful ruthless blaming of the other, it’s an awful set-up for navigating life… And if/when you do, you will likely fall in live again, hoping to have another chance at it and the way of good old fashioned kharma states that you will likely have the pleasure of being a stepmom to some short-sighted rude little individuals such as yourself. Cone back and comment on this thread THEN. In my first marriage I was stepmom to a girl who acted just like you. She was hateful, unhappy and devious. It was my fault her parents didn’t work out even though I met her dad 2 years after they divorced. Well I left him, partly over the step stuff and guess what… She’s just as unhappy and hate-filled as she ever was. Any woman who comes into her dad’s life is “evil”. Poor man. It’s funny that in that instance, where there was no respect on her part, I was an evil stepmother. Yet, my two stepkids now and I are able to get along just fine. I’m going today to put together their Valentines bags for them.
And Dr. Ben… Someone should revoke your license. I tend to think you’re really not a doctor but some precocious preteen seething in his stepmothers house.
To those of you who are truly in an abusive situation with a truly bad stepmother (mental abuse, physical abuse etc) document it and go to the authorities.
Jenna,how lucky you must be,since it appears from your post that you have had parental love growing up.Yes,some of the posters here are very angry,being caught in a situation that they do not know how to deal with.But why are YOU posting on here when you are apparently in a currently happy homelife situation?Sorry that you had a previous bad step-children experience,but why are YOU still seething about your past?As for reporting bad parents to authorities,you are obviously unknowledgable about the way kids behave in abusive situations.A lot of kids will just pray that bad people will leave them alone,or that God will let them die and go to Heaven.They are too afraid to tell on people,especially their parents.Why do you think so many kids are molested and never tell?There are so many different reasons that kids don’t report abusers,whomever the abusers may be.This is not a site you should be posting to-this is where people can ‘unload’things that have happened to them-if they are brave enough to do so.I am not brave enough to yet go into specifics about what I have gone through-although I was once told by a friend if half of the things I had told her about had happened to her,she would have killed herself.This is the all too familiar sad reality that so many kids are living in,who in turn grow up to be sad,angry adults.And it may actually be healthier that some of the posters are noticeably angrier ,rather than sad.Anger can propel you-hopefully forward.Sadness has a way of weighing down your soul.So,as your praying to”dear God in Heaven”,say a prayer for the kids who have not gotten the kind of love they should have from parental figures and be grateful that you are reportedly in a happy fulfilling relationship.And stay off a website that was created to let people have a safe environment to share,and to know they are not alone.Would you go to a meeting such as A.A. if you did not have an alcohol problem?I should hope not.Don’perpetuate the sadness and pain these posters have experienced.For a happy person,you seem to have some anger in you.Enjoy your wonderful life,and don’t wish ill will towards others-especially when you don’t know what they have lived through.
By the way,Jenna-maybe you should not be keeping tabs on your ex-step-daughter.That sounds very psychologically unhealthy.Or-maybe that is just a by-product of yoy possibly keeping tabs on your ex-husband.Hmmm-I am not so sure the current husband you are so happy with would like that.I tkink you should concentrate on your current family and be the best wife and stepmom that you can possibly be.
I agree with Jenna. The core message is the same as the article – heal yourself, don’t suffer anymore. (Not for revenge though, you are enough). It’s just that Jenna’s additional point is that reflection on one’s part in the situation is creating angry reactions. In my experience being really honest with oneself is a huge part of the moving forward. It really doesn’t mean taking the blame or to make yourself or anyone else feel worse than they already do. In my experience, rather than feeling ‘right'(defending my position and feeling angry, pain, hurt and embittered by my experience), I found true honesty about the part I played to be liberating. I had a place to start with myself, to do better with (I’m not concerned whether ‘the other side’ ever get that realisation, feel remorse or ever change. It doesn’t mean I have to like what happened to me either). Staying ‘right’ without owning my part was lying to myself and eroded my trust and belief in myself to be really clear about things in my life. Owning my part was empowering and got me to a place where I didn’t get lost in the emotions and saw with a new clarity what I was reacting too and why. It helped so much with acceptance and what sits under the anger and pain. I am by no means through what I have to process – but I’m sharing where I have started. I really understand this is a very special and important forum to feel validated, embraced and understood – but its the first step – because catharsis can after a short time only amplify the suffering and the next step to a life each person here truly deserves to attain for themselves must be taken. I did it because my reaction to what had happened to me was destroying me and my sense of who I truly am. I’m sorry Jenna that you have to endure spiteful responses, your point is as valid as all the others who share here.
I also can relate to this article. Im in my 30’s and still relive the things my stepmum put me through. – I will say Im well aware not all stepmums are like this, I had a brilliant relationship with my stepchild, and I am friends with stepmums that seem to do a good job. I say seem, as to the outside world my stepmum was an angel, no one really knew what went on behind closed doors.
I left as soon as I got my first job at 16, stayed with friends until I could sign a rental contract at 18.
I finally got the courage to speak out about the abuse after the birth of my daughter, needless to say she denied it.
It doesnt matter, she knows the truth as do I. I dont have a relationship with my dad, for years I blamed her but actually he has to take a fair share of the blame, he should have known something wasnt right. She was careful beat me up when she knew he wouldnt be home for a week or so (long distance lorry driver) so he didnt see many bruises. He saw the mental torture though and couldnt stand up for his 5 year old daughter. Il never understand this, as I would and have given up everything to keep my child first, they are number 1 in my life. It doesnt matter if I end up alone, what matters is my child is safe, happy and loved.
My relationship failed (amicably) Ive stayed alone ever since its been 7 years now, and I always will because Im terrified of the same happpening to my little one and me being blind to it or too weak to stop it.
My life isnt oh poor me, very few people know anything about my past, its something I choose to leave in the past.
I wont deny I do get upset once in a blue moon, in private the tears can flow one random evening, the next day I wake up feeling normal.
I have a roof over my head, a job, a beautiful happy child, good friends, and most importantly Im free ♥
All children, step, or not. Need to realize, that your step mom married your father, not you. If you want to blame someone, blame your bio mom. Get over yourselves. No respect, no compassion.
God help us when you all are running this country.
Grow up and open your ears.
Get over it.
None of your parents taught you respect, it seems.
I think there are the same people posting under different names on this site.I think it is being used to upset people.The person who posted before me is blaming the bio mom for a marital breakup without knowing details.The poster also states that stepmoms marry the men-not the step-children.This is wrong thinking.The children are part of the package.There is a lifecoach named Iyanla who famously says “When you see crazy coming,cross the street.”I think noone with a true sad story about a painful childhood should post here anymore.There are too many hurtful people using this site now to strike out at damaged step-kids.It is time to walk away and let the nasty posters write to themselves.
I posted the comment previous to this one as “hazeleyes” to confirm my suspicion that you can indeed change your username.I can see similarities in writing styles in this site with various other usernames.Future posters beware-and be aware.Find solace elsewhere.Shame on the poser posters.
Well,I see my comment posted under a different name was deleted,detailing my belief that the same people were posting under different usernames to antagonize others.Shame on the person running this and all others with bad intentions.
another cinderella, for the record, I normally do not allow comments made by others using a different username, but to make a point I am allowing yours. The comment you mentioned had NOT been deleted, it went into moderation waiting for my approval. So for your information there was NO bad intentions here at all.
Have a great evening,
Jan Barrett
BNN Editor
Thank-you Jan.
I would like to make a suggestion to all the stepmothers who seem to take great offense at the bad experiences suffered by the posters at the hands of stepparents that instead of being defensive,they should consider starting their own blog(s).There,they could offer advice to future and current step-parents on how to be loving and caring parents to children so as to stop (or have never start) any emotional,physical,or worse abuse from occuring.Unfortunately,I fear that those who will need the advice the most will never receive it as they would not even care to seek help in being a loving,caring stepparent.
It’s a shame that stepparents are posting on this. I’m a recovering stepchild who has been disowned by her blood relatives because of a stepparent. I think the post written by Ben was extremely accurate and helpful. I was depressed this morning about the lack of a relationship I have with my father while he’s on vacation with his wife and their child (who’s 37). The pain that is caused by the betrayal of your parent doesn’t stop. My father has been with her since I was 4 (he cheated on my mother with her, then my mother died soon after). I’m 48 now. No acknowledgement from my father EVER even though he only lives 45 minutes away. Ben’s article is for us stepchildren who have been emotionally abandoned. It seems as if the stepparents posting on this board need to bully any stepchild, not just their own. It’s as if they are taunting people who are in mourning. Anyway, keep up the good work, Ben. Reading your article this morning made my day so much better. 🙂
It makes me sick to see all these supposedly ‘good’ step parents, who have apparently done ‘nothing wrong but marry the father’ attack children, or children that have grown up in an unfortunate situation. I suggest that you need ‘help’, not the victims.
Oh boy! Where do I begin. Ditto on all the step mom damaged goods. My story begins with the at the time, girlfriend giving me a book entitled the ’10 ways women screw up their lives’. Nevermind the fact that I was a grow adult with a career as an Account Executive in CA, while they lived in NC, all the way across the US. I could literally write a book. Their marraige has practically ruined my life, health and career, all because my Dad would only come to her defense, even when he knew she was wrong. Just yesterday was the first time he has admitted in 15 years they are having marital problems. He was scheduled for foot surgury today and would not let me go because she pushed him in to giving her medical power of attorney. He knew she wasbgoingnto rub it in my face so he told me. Not to show up for his surgury, and for me not to call him, for me to wwait to hear from him.Her tactics have gone on for 15 years debilitating my life. For the first time he is starting to come forward and admit she is as mean as a snake. Yet, I dont think he will leave her even though he knows she has morr than mistreated me for Christmas 5 years. So said. She is after him to disinherit me when they are both millionaires. She has talked him into giving her boys his/mine/our family heirlooms from my dads side of the family and more. Thats more hurtful to me than the millions I might inherit if im fortunate enough that she does not force him in to leaving it all to her with her ‘tactics’ that no human being can endure. At 39 w masters Degree im so lost for tactful responses that protect my self esteme.
Meant to say she has mistreated me for 15 years….trying to type on mobile phone..sorry for typos.
I have read this article many times over the last few years and get great encouragement from it. I’m 55 and doing fine finally. I have a home and three loving daughters. A con attached herself to my lonely widowed father the minute she realized he was loaded. She was in her 70’s so she knew an opportunity when she saw it. She is a piece of work. Maybe we will produce a Lifetime movie someday with all the gory details of how she isolated him from his family and stole a boatload of money.
I adored my father and he loved me. But sadly, people like her exist. My heart goes out to any child caught in the path of a monster like that.
With advancing memory decline, my father believes her lies and protects her. He blames me for her infantile tantrums that erupt if I dare challenge one of her lies about me. He made his choice to tear up his father card a long time ago though. She’s managed to chase off every member of our family. Now I’m done with it except for some family legal matters I must stay involved in.
Learn from my hard-earned experience (no particular order):
1) Get what you can and go build your life how you want it.
2) Decide that any energy you put into this is a waste. Don’t even talk about it as it will taint other aspects of your life. Find one safe place you can vent if need be. Try not to hate them because you and your family need that time and energy.
2) Live smart. Keep your life simple and treat people right. Strive to be positive. Find people you like to be around and cultivate those relationships. Be a good roommate, learn how to cook good food and clean (boys and girls). Be a giver not a taker. Stay out of debt.
3) Develop lots of interests and a career; Keep your grades up and stay away from drugs and alcohol. Get good at something.
The pieces will fall into place. You will probably outlive them. Who knows? They may need something from you someday.
PS – I loved the suggestion that the good steppies teach the bad steppies and let us abused people heal in peace. Your defensive comments don’t ease our struggle and simply marginalize our situation. Really don’t expect these victims to be a cheering section.
One more thing…
Keep notes documenting every cruddy thing she does. You might have grounds for legal action one day. I did and my monster could get in a lot of trouble.
But mainly, get away and make a good life. Good luck!
If it becomes illegal call the cops
Honestly I disagree with much of this as it is a huge generalization. However I’m 13 and my parents got divorced when I was about 5, I know get to see my mom every 2nd week but didn’t at the time, anyway my father remarries a year later about. When I first met my stepmom to be she was nice and fun, would play with me and my brother who’s 2 years older, have water gun fights, dance around with me, really nice. My brother didn’t really like her though and when they got married he wasn’t happy, she was mean to him but favors me, accused him of stealing and spying on her when he wasn’t and such. then we found her journal and read it, we felt bad but needed to. It said horrible stuff about me and my mother but nothing about my brother. Otter the years her opinions of me and my bro switched. I now have a terrible relation ship with my dad and stepmom because I could never really tell them anything as my stemom would just say I was trying to be like my brother. Ive gotten into punk like my brother used to be and she’s forces me to be sneaky hiding my sex pistols and Ramones shirt and pretending I hate punk becuz I kno if she finds out shell continue to make fun of me as she does all the time. She’s a jerk who us egotistical and has caused my dad thousands of dollars of debt as I’ve found out today as I overheard my dad say collections called and he didn’t have 6000 dollars. I know ill leave an move out sometime and she won’t ruin my life but my poor damn fathers gonna be working till he dies, while she went ahead and quit her job, bought a car and deploying and went on a 1000 dollar shipping spree. I feel bad for anyone whose gone thru something similar, I’ll just stay a rebellious little b**** and she can hate me till I die, long as she isn’t like thy to
My dad or big brother.
Thank you! Thank you! I needed that in perspective. As a grown women still dealing with a bullying step mother of 30 years I finalize realized nothing I do will change our relationship . I so needed this article. As for those that are step moms, I am one as well, but this article is not for the good step moms, which I consider to be myself, but for the abusive ones. I love my step daughter and we have a totally different relationship than I ever had with my step mom. But I really needed this article even now as an adult it has made my relationship with my father very difficult. I needed the advice and perspective, thank again and those who posted as well about their experiences.
This article describes my situation 100%. Thanks for the clarity – that the step children will never win with a damaged step mother like that.
Thank you soo much,
I did every thing to try to get my step mother to love me to no avail. She humiliated me put me down and used emotional deprivation as a form of control every chance my father was not present & occasionally with him there. My dad is passive and non-confrontational. I also have a genetic condition that required hormone medication to grow taller at puberty. This regularly ran out and I missed vital growth. I am pretty short and have problems with my energy levels which interfere with my quality of life and ability to work. Her lack of caring and empathy is nil and still amazes me. At 40 the pain is still incredible. One of her sons molested me at 9 or ten years old with no remorse. Two days ago she insinuated strongly that I was sexually active and seduced him. I was 9 or 10 years old and he was 14 or 15 years old at the time. My first introduction to sexual activity. I never stood a chance. I will never forget the confusion, shame and the dirty feelings and the words that he would bash me if I told any one. I live a quiet calm life with my wonderful kind husband. A big change from years of alcohol to numb the pain, bulimia nervosa, wrist cutting and daily crying in despair. It was hard work to find some measure of self love again. I know she wants my inheritance for her sons and I guess they will get it.
I am a survivor and I will be OK. Xx
It is so true about holding on. Keep a low profile. Work hard at school. Find your passion/interest. start to earn some money as soon as you are old enough. cultivate supportive relationships with other trusted adults at school and within the family, turn to these people for when you want to share something you have achieved or are proud of or need reassurance. Stay away from peers and situations that can ruin your life and or get you into trouble or any other situation where the authorities have to address the type of parenting you are getting at home. Find ways to be quiet in and around your stepmother, let her think, she has your submission. Make sure she never finds out you are counting down the days to when you turn eighteen and can legally escape her and your whimp of a father. When you are out at eighteen, ensure your financial independence by always being in work, spend within your means and stay away from getting into debt. You don’t want to be running back or needing to be rescued. Try and get yourself into counseling with someone specialised in childhood trauma as soon as you can afford it. You may not feel the need for it at the start of your free life after eighteen but never be ashamed to seek counseling if at any point in the future you start to feel hopeless or are consumed with strong emotions.
There is life after an evil stepmother and my siblings and I are living proof of that. As per usual, our stepmother was ruthless and entitled and everything our father had or worked for, was hers to command for the benefit of the children she had with out father. We became non people. Forced out of the home one at a time so she could focus her hate campaign on one stepchild at a time. As per usual, our father went along and even took part in the cruel and humiliating treatment. He threw each one of us away as per stepmother’s requirements. Eventually, none of us from the previous marriage, had a role or a place in our father’s life. We were told not to call, not to visit and to sort out our own problems as he had a new family to raise. My siblings and I have been affected in so many different ways but we have all gone on and had our own families and made lives for ourselves. It wasn’t easy but we had to keep putting one foot in front of the other as our mother was long dead. Driven to an early grave after our father denied her any divorce settlement and left her unable to care for us so he could get full custody. Our mother ended her days not able to parent us and sharing a bedroom with a niece in her brother’s house. We had a few years of our father using us to make himself look like the caring father who was doing it all on his own until our mother died. Then he married the stepmother.
By the time of our father’s death all of us children from the first marriage had cut off contact with him, his wife and their children. As per usual, the stepmother had already bankrupted our father, to pay for her expensive tastes and private education for her brood. Relatives who had been around have reported our father’s end being a degrading one as his wife had not interest in caring for him. She was twenty-five years his junior and as far as she was concerned, she regarded herself as the one who had to sacrifice and endure taking on this old man and his children from a previous marriage. If it was such a chore, why didn’t she leave? Because she was there for the money and a life without having to work.
When it is all said and done, who do I blame? I blame our father for being so desperate to hang onto a marriage that he allowed his children to be tormented and thrown away. I also think he already had feelings of resentment towards us, his children from the first marriage, and the stepmother gave him and excuse to act out those feelings. He kept saying he did not want to go through another divorce and it didn’t matter who he married, we his children, would always have a problem with her. So he ganged up with his second wife and sent us on our way to leave the way clear for him to have his second chance at happiness. He took us away from our mother to spite her and when it didn’t suit his situation anymore he turned on each one of us in turn. The two older siblings did not initially make it to college because they had to work to support us younger ones who were being thrown out at pivitol times in our education. I am glad to say, we younger ones did in later years club together to contribute some money, so our two older siblings could study for a degree while they worked.
There is certainly life after an evil stepmother and a whimp of a father. Hang in there if you are living through this. Each day is one day closer to your eighteenth birthday.
Best wishes.
I came across this as i am dealing with the same situation. my mom passed away and my dad started seeing this woman while my mom was sick. she has tried to toss us aside since the beginning. i tried to make it work, i gave it my all and once i had a child of my own, things changed. she forced my dad to cut ties with me becuase she was jealos of the time my dad was spending with me and his granddaughter. it has become so bad that she constantly tells him she has issues with me to keep him away from me. i am 40 and still dealing with this witch. she has two kids from a pervious marriage and treats them like royalty, but my brother and I are tossed aside and a big problem. my dad doesn’t want to be alone so he gives in to whatever she says. i have no private communication avenues with my dad, becuase she thinks we have secrets. i can’t see my dad unless she is there with him. she has put such a wrench in my relationship with my dad that i no longer have a relationship. I am asuming whatever trust or will there was, i will soon be out of that. he doent want to rock the boat with her. he has told me this many times. we even tried counseling, my dad and I and nothing came of it. so sad. but i can no longer be a part of her toxic regime anymore.
I want to thank everyone for their contributions. Knowing I’m not alone is the only peace I can seem to find. The law is not in our favor (the ousted off-spring of Dad’s previous marriage)(NY) and seemingly the toxic-step-mom is quite common. Family dynamics have changed. The law has not changed accordingly. Children of remarried parents (adults and infants alike) should, at minimum, have a right to family heirlooms and such other property as can in no way be attributed to the step-parent.
I would like to propose a resolution to at least begin to change the dismissal of the children of re-married parents in the context of legal rights.
I am open to suggestions, but here’s what I’m thinking. I invite all comments, questions, and anything else anyone, in opposition or in favor of, has to say.
(1) In the case of divorce: a statutory provision in all separation / divorce decrees that family heirlooms follow the children, unless the parties agree otherwise and there is language to the contrary in the judgment.
(2) “Toxic-Stepmom / parent” become an official offense, able to be proven through extrinsic evidence (testimony), carrying a penalty of punitive damages.
(3) Enduring a truly “Toxic-step-mom” is the equivalent of child abuse (by both the natural parent and the step-parent). Like any other abuse, the effect on the victim has life-long life-altering adverse effects. Enough pysch studies have been done on this subject such that an expert opinion should be recognized by a court of law. (Similar to post-traumatic stress disorder or rape trauma syndrome).
(4) Civil penalties should be awarded by a preponderance of the evidence. (if you f!@# -up your kids to the point they are still dealing with it and carrying around baggage as adults, you have essentially deprived them of a FAIR SHOT at leading a happy and fulfilling life).
Question – does it seem odd to anyone that if a person does this to a perfect stranger, they have a penalty to pay, but if they do it to their own kids (barring evident physical abuse) it’s a-ok? Seemingly, anything short of leaving PHYSICAL evidence of abuse is perfectly alright.
I am truly hoping to get the support of the step-parents out there whom unfairly have to bare the burden of toxic step-parent. (Don’t let these people make you look bad).
I do not know how to start a petition. I need someone’s help with this. I think if there was more exposure on the subject and it became more main-stream, a surprising number of people would come out of the wood-works to lend support.
Is anyone here in favor of starting a petition on the web to kick-off a legislative initiative addressing this?
These problems have just taken too much from me. As much as I wish it were possible “Forgetting about it and moving on,” is fairy-tale advice. Like any other kind of abuse, it just never completely goes away, regardless of how much you try. I see nothing fair or just about toxic step-mom and oblivious and /or unconcerned dad skipping merrily down the road of life while, injuring other people who are neither responsible for or have the power to correct the problem.
Anyone? Thoughts?
Anyone see this? What kind of b.s. is this? Enough already. Unless something is done as a group, this will never change.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2510194/Casey-Kasems-children-denied-power-attorney-ailing-father.html
Nasty stepmothers justifying being so mean – see here:
http://jilldeibel.hubpages.com/hub/Why-Nice-Women-Dont-Like-Step-Kids
Hi Hadenough
Letting go and moving on with your life is a process. You will get there in your own time. It is not a fairy tale. It is about realising your father had his chance and made a mess of it and that this is your time to make a happy life for yourself. If going after your father and stepmother is what you feel you need to do then this is something you will pursue. Just don’t spend too long locked in wanting to hold your father and stepmother accountable for the items they have kept from you. These people have already taken up enough of your time. The best revenge is to live well.
Including inheritence rights for the children in divorce arrangements is something I tried to do when I went through my divorce. Unfortunately, my ex husband treated the divorce as a war he had to win. He regarded anything he had to do for the children as me winning and him losing. He wanted to make sure there was no way our children would be in a position to have money that they might use to help me in later years. After the divorce he set up a Trust with terms and conditions stipulating that our children would be disinherited if they made any monies available to me.
This is the sort of vengeful mindset which leads these divorced fathers to make very poor decisions regarding their children from their first/previous marriage. A man with such a vengeful sense of being wronged is ripe for the picking when he encounters the sorts of stepmothers we have all been complaining about on this blog. The sort of woman who has an extreme sense of entitlement and is also extremly materialistic knows how to play a man looking for someone to support his sense of injustice regarding the ex wife. Put these two sorts of people together and you have a lethal combination resulting in the tragic experiences shared above.
Wow.
I am amazed. And also feel very validated in knowing that I am not alone in my suffering. I think ‘been there’ concluded it well. I read all the posts and ignored those who tried to invalidate the pains and sufferings of so many here, as I’ve dealt with so many of them in real life. Because they have not been through it, others could have not, and if you speak your truth, you are bitter, judgemental, spiteful and hateful. People are just sharing their stories people. Read them and learn from them. Have the EMPATHY our stepmothers did not have.
My story mirrors so many here. As the eldest child, I bore the brunt of the abuse. I “took” it because I thought it would spare my siblings, but it did not. They too got their share, but most was mine. The author described it so well because I experienced all that and yet I would not have been able to to word it like that. I am an adult now and things like cruelty and manipulation confuse me. I do not understand them. I have had to do research to get even a semblance of what they mean, because I do not see the point.
Like many here, I lost a lot to my dad’s remarriage. I was a law student and was forced to drop out because her/their abuse was causing me to have breakdowns. I was treated like I was not welcome at home, I was not allowed to grieve and mourn my deceased mother (I was a teen when she died and a teen when my dad remarried,) I was not allowed to get food from the fridge or from the cupboard, I was often starved and deprived of things like feminine products. She separated me from my siblings, put a wedge between me and my dad, made him buy her designer clothes and jewelery while I was deprived and if my dad bought me anything, he had to hide behind bushes in our backyard to give it to me or else it would turn into a fight of ‘he loved me more than her.’
She’d show up with my dad at my uni, chauffeur-driven in a Mercedes Benz, while I was lacking so much and living in really bad conditions. The discrepancy was so huge that I was mortified. The other kids thought I had lots of money, but I had less than them, to “keep me humble.” It was so embarrassing when I did not have money to take care of my basic needs and had to raid (steal from) the pantry (that had industrial sacks of rice, potatoes etc I was not allowed to touch) when they were not looking just to have food at uni. Being a rich kid, but barely having underwear, while she had 100 of them in her cupboard, no kidding. I counted one day. Having like 2 pairs of shoes while she has over 150 of them – designer ones. Its crazy.
Life was a constant beauty contest – who was the fairest, her or me? Despite the fact that there was a huge age gap. I was bullied, mistreated, harassed, treated like I did not belong, like I was the third imposing wheel, humiliated and worn out/burnt out. I mean my dad even got married to her and did not invite us to the wedding! After promising me that I’d be one of the bridesmaids if he ever got married again! We found out through a third party weeks later. This was all in when my dad was working in another country, having left my siblings and I behind. I eventually moved there to go to uni naively thinking that if I was close to my dad I’d get him to bring my siblings but it never happened. It was a battle for even me to stay. Very clear that I was not welcome in my own home.
We lived in an 8 bedroom mansion but my siblings were staying with abusive relatives “back home.” As for me, I slept in the smallest, darkest dingiest room, while she used my real room as her “nap room.” That made me develop claustrophobia. I mean people envied me because we lived in one of the best neighbourhoods and had lots of money and many servants (7), but I HATED being home. Once a month was all I could tolerate because I needed the money and missed my dad, but most of the time was spent in uni.
Eventually they both left and left me behind penniless, destitute and broke in a foreign country where my only options were to prostitute myself and they knew it. I sold all my nice stuff to survive but eventually I had no more. So I bailed and left that country. I moved as far from them as I could to a place where I could at least work and take care of myself.
But the abuse did not stop. My dad became bankrupt and I found myself becoming the breadwinner. I put my uni dreams on hold and grabbed a survivor job to send money home so at least my siblings could finish school and make something of themselves. My stepmother burnt all of my mothers heirlooms that i had been looking forward to own one day, and after she’d milked my dad dry financially, she left him. I was, as the oldest left to fix the mess from abroad. I tried but eventually I ended up in hospital stressed and burnt out from over a decade of all that.
I now see from reading this post that my dad had a huge responsibility too. He abdicated his fatherhood and made me, his daughter, carry that load. In the beginning when I wanted to confront her and deal with it, his response was he just wanted peace and for us to get along. But eventually it got so bad that even the help were quitting. If any got close to me and tried to be motherly and loving to me, she’d get my dad to fire them, jeopardizing poor peoples livelihoods and not caring about their welfare. He was just as guilty because he allowed it and shoved it down our throats. It’s difficult to accept that our dad’s were not just innocent pawns and were just as guilty, but seeing it is helping me have peace.
I was so innocent and naive when she came into my life. I had lived such a sheltered, privileged life until then, going to private schools, being chauffeur-driven almost everywhere and all that, but she came in and I got to know poverty, homelessness and things like that. Even after leaving my dad, she found ways of sabotaging my life. I had to pray for God to give me closure and get freedom from her on a personal level since my dad did not seem to want to let go and kept hoping she’d come back. Almost 8 years after she’d gone. He really does not see the destruction it caused all of us a family. We are so divided, as a fam. Some are not talking to each other and to him either. It used to distress me, but I’ve let go and chosen to create my own family and educate myself as much on all this so I am breaking cycles.
I also finally sought therapy and its helping. I did that “best revenge is a a good life” business initially, but if you are not healed, one cannot really move on. The best revenge is to heal as much as one can. A good life without healing means they are still running things even remotely. It’s like you are doing it to stick it to them. But healing makes you go beyond all that to not even thinking of them. All of that not being healed business opened me up to be in abusive relationships with people like her who preyed on my innocence. I married a guy who was like her, but that is over, thank God. Now with therapy I am seeing patterns and getting my strength and power back.
I have decided not to have a relationship with my dad for my own sanity. After years of trying to fix things and make things better and keep the family together, reconcile and get back my position in his heart/life and failing, I gave up. This is mostly about my step, but my dad was just as cruel. I pray that we all get healed and move on because we deserve it and need it. They had their chance and made their decisions and have to live with them, but we do not have to continue to allow that to affect us. We can learn from them and make different choices.
My dad remarried few months after my mom died, I and my brother was 9 and 11 yrs old then. Am 21 now and my life has been really miserable and messed up since I was 12 because tat when my step mom had her first kid. Oh ma God she changed over night and treats us like crap. she made my Dad despise and see us like a burden. Like she bewitched him. Ma step mum drives a lot of joy in seeing us sad. This article is really inspiring and helpful because its like the writer knows exactly what I have been going through. Am so happy am not alone in this. God Bless You Ben.
This is a great article. My stepmother bullied me for years. Always saying I’m a dumb blonde & etc. anytime I succeeded at something she would attack verbally to make me feel low.
I did the second point in this article where you talk about having low profile, avoidance approach. I would even wake up at 3 am to do my homework just to avoid the chaos. My twin sister did the first approach, rebelled and resisted. Our lives are so much different. She is a bartender and just drinks her life away.she doesn’t even have her GED. She is very lost in this world. I focused on school and now a senior in college about to graduate with a degree in engineering. I wish she could have read this article in the years we were growing up.
And yes the best revenge is living a great life. I cannot wait until May when she has to watch me walk across that stage for my diploma despite her attempt to destroy my future. I just wish my twin sister would have taken the same road.
I didn’t realize how bad my stepmom was to me until today when I had a friend over. I’ve never lived with my dad since I was 6 years old and he remarried right away. She has always nitpicked everything about me (even though I see my dad at most 3 to 4 times a year) – she would sit me down and tell me how fat I was at 12 years old, criticize my mother for leaving my dad and giving up “all this” (ie her nice house) and belittle me about my career. When I was in university, if I called my dad crying I could hear her in the background going “ugh” and clearly making it out as if I was dramatic – please. By the way, I have been out of the house since age 17, living 2 hours away from any family at all.
Today I went over for a quick 30 minute visit because I was around and needed to drop off a gift for my little brother and sister and pick up an xbox they had for me to use. A friend was with me and I thought my stepmom was being super nice. My friend tells me a few hours later that she thought she was treating me so rude – saying things like “so are you working?” when I have owned and operated my own business for the past 14 months. I thought she was being nice but honestly, like I told my friend, I am so used to the constant “you aren’t good enough” that I thought she was being really great. Literally within meeting her and my family in 30 minutes, my friend broke down the entire scenario and said she almost chimed in at a certain point to stand up for me.
Long story short, I’m used to this but I really wish that she genuinely liked me. She doesn’t. I have never done anything to her, or asked her for anything, and I have always loved my bro and sister that her and my dad had together. I had to bring up to my dad that in 15 years, she has never answered the house phone one time when I called – not once. She is a homemaker and rarely leaves – when I am over there she answers the phone first ring and is constantly chatting. After letting him know this, she will pick up when he is there. I just call him directly now, it saves me a lot of grief.
Honestly it sucks that she does that and that I can’t even notice when she is being rude – I actually misinterpret the way she acts.
With my stepdads that I have had in the past, I never really had to know them that long. They, however, always treated me better even though I knew they were there for my mom only. The whole scenario sucks – I only have my mom and grandma to go to as a family and my dad’s side is just always awkward – I try to make the best of it but honestly I wish it was different.
My mom passed away when I was 10, my dad remarried 6 months later to a horrid woman with three children. My life hasn’t been the same. I’m 31, and have spoken to my father since I was 18. I keep telling myself that he got what he deserved and his wife got exactly what she wanted. I’m happy now and content. I have children of my own, so now I fully understand his decision or lack of and I think that is what hurts the most, how could he let someone ruin our family. I felt this article spoke directly to me. (And many others, which is so sad). It is what it is, thanks. I agree, the best revenge is a great life.
My parents divorced, my mother committed suicide soon after, and my father remarried a ‘fundamental christian’ w/ daughter who has treated myself and my sisters (younger twins) like total shit. I am now 30 and have a decent career, as with one twin (27) is finally getting hers of the ground (after years of pot), however the other has developed an eating disorder she has been dealing with for a long time. I think she is finally starting to recover, but I struggle with my anger. Believe it or not, my father understands the situation but does nothing as he doesn’t want to disturb the peace in his house. Being older and married, I now understand this, however it doesn’t help my anger.
Thank you so much for posting this. Here I am at 30 years old up at 4:30am because I can’t sleep and thoughts of my step-mom and all her bullshit keep running through my head. I’ve never read an article that hit the nail on the head so perfectly. Thank you for posting this. My father acted this way to a tee. It was really hurtful and growing up my self-confidence plummeted. It was a real struggle to get to where I am today, but you’re so right – the best revenge is a great life.
This article struck a chord with a lot of folks, however I do believe it is written by an imposter, not a PHD.
That being said, blended families are so difficult. As a stepmother myself, I know in my heart, I tried to be positive to my 27 year old SD, and always tried to get to know her. I made myself vulnerable to try to find bridges to connect us.
It was not to be.
Through a lot of passive aggressive and negative behavior, she always tried to hurt my husband, and ignored me.
To make a long story short, she is not happy we are happy. Her mother is dead. I didn’t break up the parents marriage.
It is what it is.
I went to counseling to seek some help.
It made me not so afraid to speak out or be confrontational if crossed in the future.
So, it seems blending may be unnatural and if it succeeds, then great, but don’t get your hopes up.
As a step mom, I was not trying to screw over my SD in any way. However after 8 years of things being phony and never improving to anything of real substance, I have washed my hands of it. She has also washed her hands of her father, who was a great father to her and she has hurt him very deeply.
So who’s the bad guy? SHE IS.
Hi,goldennecklace:
I felt a need to respond to your posting.I feel bad for your experience that you have had.However,that being said,I do believe that you have found your way here by mistake.This is a site about TOXIC stepmothers-from what you have wrote,you apparently do not qualify.This is a place for stepchildren to feel safe to vent about unfair,unwarranted bad treatment that they have experienced from BAD stepmothers who either did not care about them and/or went out of their way to make a step-child’s life unbearable.I am sure that so many of us who have posted here would have welcomed a caring loving stepmother into their life.Perhaps one day you can reach out to your stepdaughter once again and invite her out to a movie and dinner,or do something with her that she has interest in.Keep it light,but let her know you wish to be her friend.And most importantly,do not be judgmental of her in any way.Be nice-then maybe one day she will be happy to have you in her life.
If you need ongoing support please search for raised by narcissists.
I wrote an innocuous comment on this page about 4.5 years ago, and “stepmum” decided to reply with a long winded attack despite the fact that she had absolutely no background or information whatsoever pertaining to my particular situation. I grew up with an emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive stepmother who made it a point to completely destroy whatever shred of a relationship that I’ve had with my dad. I have not seen or heard from my dad in nearly 4 years as a result of this. So sorry that my situation has negatively impacted my perspective on what it is like to have a stepparent. Maybe when you lose one of your parents to a stepparent you will understand.
Wow… For those step moms trying to be the victims here, REALLY? The KIDS are the problem? Are you all braindead? You knew this man had children, correct? How is it the child’s fault when they have to endure the emotional and mental trauma of their parents splitting then a new woman waltzing in? Here’s MY experience:
I was 5 when my dad married my step mom. Her family hated me and my dad right off the bat, but he got her pregnant, like an idiot, so they had to get married. Things were fine. My half sister was born. I was very excited to have a sister. But things started to change with my step mom. Her daughter was, essentially, the “golden child”.
Let me explain what i mean… From the time she could get into my things, she could do as she pleased with them. Glass figurines, snow globes, dolls that my biological mother got me- all destroyed. Instead of punishing her, nothing was ever said. Because of this, the daughter never learned. In her teens, she’d take how-to art books, clothes (usually shirts), DVDs, all of which i paid for with the rare but of money I’d save up from odd jobs and birthdays, and she’d rip them up, scratch them, break them, do as she pleased. I seriously never had anything nice because of this little “witch”.
When i was about 10, my step mom had a son with my dad. He was just beneath my half sister in the pecking order. If one of them got in trouble, i knew i would, too. I always his in my room, praying she would just leave me alone. I’d hear her stomping thru the trailer, toward my room. She’d fling my door open and start yelling at me for no reason, cussing, then tell me I’m grounded. When I’d ask why, she’d tell me not to act stupid, “you know why!” When I’d say i didn’t, she’d just add on more weeks to my being grounded. She’d ask what i did, and I’d say “nothing”, to which she’d tell back, “EXACTLY!” and slam my door back. Her kids would have done something genuinely bad…
She always slept when i got home from school and would have a huge list of things i had to do. I realize kids need chores, but this woman literally did nothing but sleep all day. Some of the things she listed, she could’ve easily done. I had to clean their bathroom as well as ours, and i couldn’t wake her or I’d get grounded or beaten. I had a list of “chores”, while her kids had one effing thing… Usually they didn’t even do it, so i was forced to.
I tried telling my dad all the things i was going thru, but my step mom would act all buddy buddy with me, then essentially claim i was insane (i actually thought i was until i moved out). And all those “chores” she’d make me do? She’d set an alarm to wake up about 5 minutes before my father got home. She’d greet him and ask how he liked what SHE did to the house, then I’d be bashed for being such a lazy, irresponsible child.
I actually WOULD have to lie to get out of the house. The only “friends” she approved of were those from her church. I didn’t like them. So I’d always have to lie about where i was going JUST to get away from her. I never felt safe at home. I always felt anxious and fearful of what she’d do next.
I outgrew worrying about what she thought in high school. I was antisocial because that’s what i was used to at home. I couldn’t (and still can’t) trust anyone, so i kept to myself.
Her precious “golden child” did everything to BE me, which greatly angered me, because she had everything else as it was, now she was trying to take what i was and make it hers, too. My step mom started blaming me for every bad thing her daughter did… I got a lip piercing and she raised a huge scene, said she would never do anything for me again (because she did SO much – HA!), so i moved out that day. My step mom’s sister started spreading rumors that i was on drugs and having sex for money. She tried blaming my dad when i found out.
Eventually i moved back on again and things were exactly the same. I moved in and out one more time, then had to go back after a falling out with an ex i was living with.
My step mom angrily declared a “family meeting”, having my dad, step brother and sister, and her sitting in their room. She asked if anyone had anything to say to me. So, one by one, my half sister, half brother and her picked me apart, telling me EVERYTHING they hated about me… From “you’re such a selfish little b****” to “i hate the way you dress and do your hair”. They essentially made me feel like i was nothing.
I got upset and walked out of the room crying, her yelling after me how i was worthless and there was no place for me there. I called around, looking for somewhere else to live. My dad came out and encouraged me to come back in, saying if it came down to me or her, she could kick rocks. He pointed out noticing how badly her family treated me, and how i didn’t deserve any of what she had ambushed me with. She tried giving him an ultimatum, saying “if that b**** f***ing stays here, I’m leaving and divorcing you!” I found somewhere else to stay, but they moved and i eventually had to move back.
She started up again, saying it was either me or her and actually packed a bag to go live with her parents. My dad locked the door as she left, but she tried coming back to get him to beg for her back. She banged and kicked the door, yelling and cussing until he unlocked it, threw the keys at her, told her to shut up and leave. As much as i hate her, i didn’t want him to lose his companion, so i did my best to always be away and moved again at the first opportunity. I couldn’t fit all my things in my car, so some had to be left there. Apparently she told my half sister that as soon as I’m gone, she’s throwing all of my things out the door and burning them….
On top of it all, she convinced my family she was actually a mother to me by acting like my friend at family functions, despite my doing everything to stay away and her acting hurt when I’d tell her to go away, so that my family viewed me as the bad guy… So, DO FORGIVE ME for not being sympathetic to step mothers. I was with am ex that cheated on me and had a daughter, and i brought her places, bought her things and spent time with her, even after my horror story with a step mother…
You said it so well. The people who take issue with the language have obviously not had their families destroyed by someone like this.
@Rose92: I feel you. But my Dad never stood up for me like yours did. And the hell of it is that she was sweet as pie in front of other people, then she would tear me apart in private. And when I would break down and react, she would say to people: see how crazy she is? Unstable! Has anger issues! She learned enough pyschological jargon to be able to describe me in the weirdest, most condemning ways. And every member of my immediate family believes it. I gave up on them a long time ago.
..And my Dad believes her. It’s all about her kids now, which I helped raise, did so much hard work and was told to love and care for them and I did…but she made it clear to them that I was not worth the dirt under their fingernails, and she won the day. And the year. And the life. My Dad to this day hasn’t a clue. He says I “alienated” the half-sibs because I finally told them about my Mom, who he and my stepmother pretended never existed, while we were all growing up. They pretended we were a whole family and forbid me to tell them anything, forced me and my other sister to call her “mom”…another hard thing is, despite the beatings and cruelty, my sister, who was younger, was completely brainwashed by her. I have been completely shunned by them all for trying to explain about my Mother. Whose heart was broken by my father’s 7-year affair with this person. She was trying to leave and working so hard, going to school, it made her ill and finally killed her, because she was not well.
But I’m the bad guy in all of it and you know what? After 20 years of therapy, it still hurts. You can be successful and “move on” all you want, but it still hurts. Maybe some people are better at dealing with it than I have been.
Nothing hurts as much as not being believed about such crucial, life-changing and life-shaping issues.
(((Lolana)))
From one survivor to another. I hear you. I believe you and support you. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, your isolation and the failure of your father to protect you from the monster he brought into your life.
If you are interested in connecting with an ongoing supportive group of people, who are also survivors of parental abuse, please check out “raised by narcissists”.
What if both your mother figures are not very good? My stepmom is verbally abusive and my mom only cares if I look nice or if I am being socially inept to her standards like how I don’t want to hang out with her bar friends or whoever she is dating. What do u think ?
I am 12, And I feel like Harry Potter, like everyone at the place I am FORCED to live is against me. Especially HER. The Evil Witch, The Female Voldemort with Hair. I have been longing to leave and I cant wait until I am eighteen so I can do so. I have recently been transferred to HER Graveyard because the judge thought we would be better off at the bigger home. Our GAL Sucked and didn’t help us at all. Me and my sisters HATE that lady. I have taken most of the emotional damage, but my sister had a little bit of physical abuse. She is one of the twin sisters of mine. She had been hit against the window and forced to eat when she was full this caused her stomach to release the disgusting meal as well as her own acid. The witch had also called me a liar and said awful things as my back was turned the woman didn’t relies I was smart enough to know what she meant or that I had good ears. My Three sisters and I cant wait until we can talk to our new counselors so we can do something about this nonsense. I was eight when this Disastrous Female Figure had appeared in our lives. Ever since then my life has been torn and I still look for advice. Thank you Ben for helping us children, we are lost and you are leading our way to victory. Thank you to those who had commented and shared their life experiences, You have also Helped My sisters and I find people that understand how we feel. How Toxic are some Stepmoms!? I mean Come On! Why do you do this!? I am truly sorry for my outburst I get a little frustrated sometimes. We all have to remember to stay strong. Even if you are like me and you start to go through depression or anything painful like that. I wish you all the best of luck and hope you get through your lives. Remember what does not kill you makes you stronger.
What a brilliant piece and one that I know would resonate with my beautiful daughter who was harrassed, bullied and outcast by her wicked stepmother. When my ex got togethet with her, I naively imagined the best and thought my daughter would have two families to love her and to call home. It wasn’t to be. The stepwitch never got over her jealousy and insecurity that my ex and I had separated amicably and had remainec friendly for the sake of our daughter. She set about destroying that and he went along with it because he is a spineless, gutless POS who will never be a man. The pair of them have hurt my darling daughter so much. An innocent child who only wanted to be loved. Instead she was picked on and bullied by that pair of neanderthal troglodytes. May they both burn in the eternal fires of hell.
My stepmom is a total bitch, I’m 13 (a guy) and she openly insults me and tells me how much better her daughter is than me. She says I cry all the time (I don’t) and insults my real mom constantly. She made fun of my mom after she was in a car crash, it was a veiled insult so I guess she thought I wouldn’t get her meaning. My dad will say yes to something like hanging out with my friends and then she’ll whisper in his ear and he’ll change his mind. This morning she kept texting me and telling me to look for her keys so I didn’t have time to do my breakfast dishes before school, after school she said I had to do all the dishes and when I tried to explain and got mad she freaked and said to stop crying about it. She also used it as an excuse to tell me how much better her daughter is than me. (Btw I have straight a’s and she has straight b’s and c’s.). She sits on her fat ass doing nothing while calling me lazy. My dads always saying what a good person she is and how my mom made me dislike her. He doesn’t seem to believe that she gave me plenty of reasons to hate her.
I just felt like posting here because I feel like I have nowhere else to go. My dad is about to marry an evil step-monster and theres nothing I can do about it. I’m 19 as of right now, and luckily just got into my dream college so i’ll be able to move out soon. Unfortunately for my younger brother he’ll be stuck with her and her craziness and drama. I guess i’ll start from the beginning, about 5 years ago, my dad started dating this woman. Since my mother divorced my dad he has never been alone more than a week, he’s obsessed with being with someone which is where the problem lies. I mean in reality its more of his fault than it is hers. But anyways I was around 13-14, so sort of young, but not as young as my brother who was 7 years younger than me. So anyways when he first started dating her she seemed alright, a little loud, and her kids (aged 5 and 8 at the time) were sort of out of control, but I mean most little kids are. However, then in an attempt to get me to bond, my dad started forcing me to go on girls days with her other daughter who was my age. This is when I realized there was something very wrong with this family. Her daughter was insane, like druggie, alcoholic, baby prostitute insane (remember she was only 14). She would go outside the limits of wherever my dad had dropped us off for the day and start hitting up 20+ year old guys and giving them her number. I tried telling my dad and he just said I was lying because she was a good girl and went to church. (although he found out the next year while fixing her computer that she was indeed doing drugs and all other things). But the real problem started when one night I was in my room and I heard my stepmom screaming at my dad. Up until then I would usually say hi to her and her kids and politely say that I was going to go do homework in my room.I had never once said anything bad about her or her kids, never once been rude to them despite them being generally disrespectful to my family and our house. But the real reason I was in my room is because whenever she was around my dad she would start getting all touchy feely with him and it was gross and awkward.so I went to my door and listened to what she was saying, and this b**** was talking crap about me!? She called me a spoiled brat because she told my dad I was keeping her from moving in (because apparently my dad had told her that she couldn’t move in until I went off to college, LITERALLY because we have no space in the house) and she started saying all these lies about how I gave her attitude and was ignoring her and a bunch of BS. So honestly from that moment on I was done. I was having none of it, because now I knew she was a backstabbing evil woman. One night when I confronted my dad about it he even admitted that yes, she was rude, and yes, she was trying to get our house, but that there weren’t a lot of women willing to date him so just deal with it so that he can be happy. And of course my brother was getting a ton of bad influence because her kids were out of control, cussing at her everyone and showing my brother really inappropriate things, and its only gotten worse since her youngest daughter is becoming just like her older sister. So anyways they were on and off for like 3 or 4 years because every once in a while she would throw her crazy tantrum and my dad would realize she’s insane for like .05 seconds, but by the second year I just started living with my mom whenever she came over because she was always trying to start drama and I have severe anxiety and I just couldn’t deal with her moodswings anymore. But the worst thing in all of this is that whenever I tried talking to my dad about it he would keep defending her saying that ‘oh she didn’t mean that’ or ‘oh you’re just over reacting’ or ‘she actually loves you and really wants you to like her’ (BS!!!! She was always making rude remarks at me whenever my dad wasn’t around and would then tell my dad that she just wishes we could be a happy family, but that I’m holding them apart, and blablah blah) and my dad of course believes her, she’s got him under her thumb. Like she unannounced went to my graduation (even though she knows I don’t like her) and pulled off this whole show for my dad pretending to be all emotional like she cared about me. And then went on to start sh** with my mom, and be like’ oooh lets get a picture of us MOMS’, wtf ur not my mother, you’ve treated everyone else in my family like sh** except for my dad.and everyone else could tell she was being fake as hell but my dad ate it up and from now on whenever I tell him something she does he’s like ‘but look at how much she cares’. Like its FAKE and EVERYONE In our family knows. But anyways about a month ago he informed me that they broke up, that he had had enough of her, she was crazy, her kids were a bad influence and that it had been a long time in the coming.finally, I thought. But ohoho not so soon. So in those next tree weeks he dated 5 different women (and made us meet two of them, because “they were the one”) butttt the evil step_momster desperately continued calling and texting (she even texted my freaking mom to “get the kids together for a play date” aka to make herself look like a good mom for once to win my dad back, which it did) (lmao on another note my brother previously overheard her saying crap about my mom and telling my dad she hates her, and my brother told my mom, so my mom knew she was being a hypocrite)so then this weekend while in the car my dad gets a call from her, and I think that its just her being desperate, but then my dad answers with ‘hey babe’ and I’m like WTF???? And after that my dad proceeds to tell me that in the TWO days since he broke up with his last gf, he proposed to her and theyre getting married and moving in in July!!!??? Like I’m so done. At this point I’ve just come to the conclusion that my dad is just as insane as her, so I guess they deserve each other, him and this woman who has literally torn our family apart, I mean literally no one in my family wants to associate with her and my dad anymore. And my brother who’s autistic started crying and breaking apart because he doesn’t want her kids to move in because they’re always being mean to him, but hes too afraid to talk to my dad because my dad already gave him the whole ‘if you pretend to like them when they move in, it will make me happy’ speech, and he doesn’t want to upset him because hes always trying to make everyone else happy. So yeah that’s my story that’s still going on, I’m just glad I can move out in September, but I feel bad for my brother whos going to have to deal with them for the next 6 or so years. Wish me luck, or pray to whatever gods you can.
*also just as a last note, me and my dad and my brother used to be really close, but between his bad decisions and her manipulation, its gotten to the point where I can barely see any of the old dad, he’s become so desperate and self obsessed that he doesn’t care that its hurting everyone else in our family. as long as he’s happy, everyone else can go to hell.
This article is so spot on. Girls especially need to know how to protect themselves against such devious stepwitches. There needs to be more information for these kids who are only in a losing game and are constantly being left out intentionally, if not blamed for all wrongdoing by the cunning stepwitch. There ARE a FEW good stepmothers out there so this isn’t for those select few, but I’ve truly only met a couple decent ones unfortunately. The rest were always complaining about the bio kids and making sure that the bio kids are left out of everything possible until they reach 18, and then when that day comes, the kids are left out of everything, except the major holidays when they are usually allowed to drop by so that the stepwitch looks good to her husband, a man whose brain she has so thoroughly washed by this point that there are few to no good memories of his own first children, those that aren’t the stepwitch’s and his.
Sadly, it will end up being the same for the grandchildren for these kids. The stepwitches will place their own biological child and her grandchildren as the only people who now matter in the father’s life. I also have seen this time and time again.
I see so many rude online pages devoted to these whore/money sucking stepwitches, so kudos to the writer and supporters of this. IF you don’t like it, stepwitches, go to your STEPCHILDREN HATING SITES WHERE YOU BELONG!! There should be many more educational sites on these issues for the children who are emotionally abused by a tramp like this and I say that with all truth because this woman uses her body to lure the father to fall into her demands. So stepwitches, if this page troubles you, remember that there are tons of pages devoted to your cause of whoring, stealing, causing alienation of affections of the father, and of your purpose to ruin children’s precious lives, but I can assure you that karma will one day bite your sagging arse along with everything else you’ve done wrong to your “stepchildren,” though I use that term lightly because I don’t believe you, the witches of the stepmoms who are narcissist cons, deserve the right to call them that since you have done nothing but cause them severe problems that will last their entire lives in so many of the cases, especially the girls. I’m sure some of you wince when reading this while most of you cunningly smile while doing so.
Anyway, if you aren’t guilty of being a stepwitch, then this doesn’t apply to you. However, it applies to the 90++% of those who are like this…purely evil to the bones with manipulating a young child’s life so I have no respect for these women.
I am suggesting that something needs to be done about this. It’s no different from the Cinderella movie with these stepwitches. Fortunately, the world is less tolerant abuse, but it truly hasn’t come to light strong enough as to how abusive the relationship of a stepwitch toward the daughters and sons can truly be. It’s really something that should be met headfirst instead of having more sites for conning stepwitches than there are online resources for the children whose lives are tortured by them.
GREAT IDEA TO POST THIS, AND I WISH ALL YOU STEPCHILDREN TO KEEP PLUGGING IT AND NO, DON’T REBEL, AS THE ARTICLE MENTIONS…BECOME A BETTER PERSON AND BEAT THE WITCH AT HER OWN GAME: DO WELL IN SCHOOL ALWAYS, AND STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. GO THE EXTRA MILE TO BE THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE. THAT’S WHAT MOST STEPWITCHES DON’T WANT TO SEE OF YOU. THE STEPWITCH DESIRES TO TRAIN YOUR FATHER TO DISOWN YOU AS YEARS GO BY AND AS YOU GET OLDER! DON’T GIVE HER THAT CHANCE EVER! YOU ARE MUCH BETTER THAN THE WITCH WHO HAS BEEN THROWN INTO YOUR LIFE. INSTEAD, GIVE HER THE OPTION TO LEAVE BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING YOU DO WRONG THAT SHE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT!
KARMA TO STEPWITCHES, THE DIRTY VILE ONES. AND TO THOSE WHO REALLY ARE GOOD, YOU NEED TO SPEAK OUT AND MAYBE TEACH THESE STEPWITCHES HOW TO LOVE THE WAY YOU DO!! 🙂 SADLY, THOUGH, I’M NOT SURE THAT CAN BE TAUGHT TO SOME OF THEM.
i am 14 years old and im turnning 15 next week, i have lost my childhood to my witch stepmother. she is evil true evil, i have never done anything to her in my life. although she’ll never read this,
I wish that one day i’ll be able to look back and smile for once even though i can never regain what you took away from me. what goes around comes back around. i will be successful in my future and i will be the one with the last laugh. hopefully i will never lose hope that one day you will be divorced by my dad who was blindly forced into his marriage with you, and when that day comes me and my sister and my poor mother would all be looking down at you from our private jet laughing and having fun traveling to france for breakfast then to italy for dinner. I will survive.
to everyone out there with an evil stepmom,
you are intelligent and you will work hard for a more prosperous future, and we will show everyone what we are capable of. never give up, after today don’t cry over the missing piece of our childhood but smile on the strength we got to work harder than everyone else!
I can relate to a lot of these post. My SM bad mouthed my Mom, when she got with my Dad, and even after my Mom passed! What a low life. Oh, and what a loving christian she is. (According to her). 30 years ago, they were caught humpin in the back of our family station wagon. But, now a miracle has happened, they never committed adultery. Over the years, a little at a time, they have gradually told this new version that they dreamed up, to make themselves holier than thou. All you need to construct a lie is one person to back up your story. I can’t believe the lies they tell themselves and others, and they have told them so many times that they actually believe they’re own lies!
I feel that this article is unfairly stigmatizing and denigrating the reputation of the stepmother. Both of my stepdaughter and her biological mother suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder has always had, always has and will always have jealousies and insecurities that I’m much more beautiful both in looks and in personality than they are and than they have, stepdaughter feels that I’ll replace her biological mother, biological mother feels that I’ll replace her – become a mother to her daughter, that my husband had emotionally got over her and moved on with his own life, that she didn’t want him to have any other female to be in his life, that there’s only enough room/space in his life for two females – herself and her daughter and that there isn’t anymore room for another female – me, they are inappropriately over – possessive of him, they don’t want him to co – exist with another female – me. Both of them view me as competition, are in competition with me, do point-scoring and do oneupmanship in conversation towards me, they both believe that I’m a perfect person whilst they are both jealous, insecure, spiteful and vindictive people. I have been abused, victimized, stigmatized, bullied, harassed and outcast by my evil, wicked in – laws – my stepdaughter and her mother, because my stepdaughter and her mother is unnecessary fiercely overprotective of my husband’s family and my stepdaughter’s biological mother’s family – they didn’t get a chance to meet me. I thought I would have two families to love me and to call home. Maybe everything will change in the near and distant futures and I’ll get to meet them all then I will have two families to love me and to call home. Instead, I was rejected, spurned and ostracized by stepdaughter and her mother. They thought that my husband was going to make me his top No. 1 favourite person in the whole wide world and that he would love me trillions of times more than he would love his own daughter. They were seething with jealousy and insecurity over what they perceived my husband’s behaviour, attitude towards me and his treatment of me was favouritism. They were seething with jealousy and insecurity over the fact that my husband loves me and of how much he loves me. They were also seething with jealousy and insecurity over my own family loving me and my stepdaughter and her mother felt that because they had me in their family now they felt that I was splitting their family up and that there was nobody in my family to split my family up so they went and decided that they themselves were the very people to split my family up and that I didn’t deserve to be loved by them, their families, by my husband, by my own family, by anyone and that I should be unloved and that I should be made to feel unloved. So stepdaughter and mother insidiously infiltrated my own family and my own inner circle and they indoctrinated all their minds against me which was all based on a pack of the biggest, blackest lies and slander which stepdaughter and her mother did against me which caused my own family and my own inner circle to disown and to ostracize me. They therefore tried to split my family up. I should be loved, I definitely deserve to be loved, I should be made to feel loved, I am loved by my husband and by everyone else who are in my personal and private life who my stepdaughter and her mother doesn’t even know about. I do feel loved and I am loved. Stepdaughter and mother conspired against me, had virulent hate and smear campaigns against me. Their agenda was to get me out of his life forever, for our marriage to end in divorce, for our relationship to be over, to come in-between me and him, to take him away from me and to have him all to themselves. They are selfish, self – centered, immature and childish people. They intentionally tried to annihilate everything. They always made sure that their abuse, etc…, was always done covertly so there would be no witnesses and they always made sure that their abuse, etc…, was enough to provoke me to make me retaliate to them in front of my husband and in front of other people to intentionally make me look like the bad person and to make themselves look like the good people. They portrayed me as me playing the victim and portrayed themselves as the innocent, blameless victims when actually they are not innocent, blameless victims, they are the evil perpetrators and abusers and they are the ones who were playing the victims. I’m not playing the victim, I am the real, true, genuine victim. I’m not an evil perpetrator or an abuser or anything like that. They would call me a weirdo, a nutter, scary, coy and that I needed to be sedated. It was their abusive, etc…, behaviour, attitude, words, actions that they were doing covertly in order to provoke me to retaliate back to them to make me look and appear to be these names that they were calling me and saying that I needed to be sedated. I retaliated back to them in front of my husband and in front of other people. I am definitely not a weirdo or a nutter, I’m not scary or coy and I don’t need to be sedated. It’s them who are definitely the weirdos, the nutters, they are definitely scary and coy and they definitely need to be sedated. They vented their feelings and emotions of their jealousies and insecurities through their covert abuse which they did on me onto me. They are both evil, wicked witches. As my husband always has refused, always refuses and will always refuse to join forces with them to abuse, etc…, me and to support them in abusing, etc…, me – they are both well, especially the mother is calling both me and my husband derogatory names and insults us behind our backs and wishing us to burn in hell. Shame on both of my husband’s daughter – my stepdaughter and my husband’s ex – girlfriend – my stepdaughter’s biological mother – shame on the both of them!!. Their success was only temporary, I’m still living with my husband and we are still legally married and lawfully wedded husband and wife and we didn’t get divorced. My husband didn’t intervene or got personally or emotionally involved in this. He will always be a neutral, unbiased real and true man. My husband is not spineless or gutless or a POS. Me and my husband are not neanderthal troglodytes. This pair have wounded me a limitless amount of times, and I’m only an innocent, blameless victim – I am the real, true, genuine innocent, blameless victim, I am vulnerable and naive and I’m such a sweetheart, a darling who only wanted to be loved. They are double trouble, like mother, like daughter. Stepdaughter is like a chip off the old block. They are immature and childish. May they both burn in the lake of fire in hell for all of eternity without any relief from it and without any escape route because they both definitely deserve it.
This article is balongna
I have those manipulative step kids. I don’t love them like my own. Because I’m allowed to parent my own
I was a horrible step child. So I know how truly awful they will become
My best advice is that if kids play that game. Learn to play it. Don’t let them walk all over you. They will miss out on thegood parts of parenting too.
I have no problem showing my own daughters love because they are respectful and kind people. And they get disciplined when they are rotten. His kids don’t.
Be a proud evil step mom Because you probably were just trying to help at first until you got crapped on enough.
I have outings with my daughters and he has outings with his
They won’t have a strong relationship with mine and his children which is ok. I see it as cutting off the posited arm. At least my kids won’t be spoiled little princesses.
Please tell me where you can find these evil stepmother sites
I’m tired of googling all these “how to make your step children love you sites”
I was a good person until I had to witness two girls taking advantage of my husband. And I not being allowed to help him be a parent at the mercy of the baby mama
Too many kids are turning into entitled spoiled kids because their parents feel guilty.
Why are we trying to hard. Why are parents feeling bad when they split?
It didn’t work out. So either mom and dad will be fighting all the time and you will have issues. Or step moms and step dads ruin your lives.
I would NEVER hit my step kids. Just so no one thinks I’m evil in that sense
Step parenting is all about what they see. Its an act. All you can do it make them feel safe and loved sadly, even if you don’t mean it
Good luck to all the step parents!
Advise for step-child… I say this as someone who has a stepmother who is a fat cunning smelly witch.
1. Keep a relationship with your father, at least one that u can have a conversation.
2. Don’t share your life details with your stepmother, she will want to ruin you happiness and achievements.
3. Don’t let her meet your s/o or spouse if u ever have one. Or at least keep distance (black magic).
4. If you want your dad to leave u something specific when he passes, tell him, have a witness.
5. Don’t leave her alone with your kids, she may try to pluck their hair strand out for black magic.
6. Don’t let her try to look honorable to her friends or relatives, she doesn’t deserve honor.
7. Have some leverage over her in case she tries something in the future, don’t let her kill ur dad.
Helllooo! Ever think that maybe for a second it’s your fault, dear step children?
Most step parents mean well and when step kids treat them poorly, it can crush them.
The pressure is all on the step parent to keep it cool while the step child is allowed gets away with bloody murder and can bitch all they want and be the “victim.”
Step parents get the short end of the stick. Period.
Here’s the deal: parents who mis-manage their second marriages are the ones who’ll stand on their heads to please their children – all because they’re scared their kids won’t love them anymore. And you know this and leverage it, you little terrors.
When this happens, the step parents typically see through the eyes of responsibility and tries to pick up where their spouses are failing. So from the get go, the spouse is setting the step parent up for failure.
Hey parents, here’s a clue. Fucking teach your kids that life is not all about them. BE A PARENT. Discipline (in a loving way of course). Don’t do this to your spouse.
Hey stepkids, here’s a clue for you. It won’t kill you to say thank you once in while. This person you’re living with isn’t trying to replace anyone or run your life, but just wants a family. Sorry life didn’t turn out the way you wanted, but guess what?
It hasn’t for us either. Do you really think we want to be treated as a second class citizen, be held at arms length, be ignored? Yet if we don’t endure it, we’re evil.
Oh, and here’s the best tip you’ll ever get in your life. Did you know that if YOU were actually civil that you might make this easier on yourselves?
Most step parents want to be included and loved as well as appreciated for what they do for you. If you actually saw past your spoiled little noses for a second and said thank you or asked how their day was. Said Happy Birthday on the birthday. And didn’t act like the world was shit. Your life may be better. You step parent may step away from trying to make up for the multitude of sins you poor, scared parent may be doing because they’re afraid you’ll go live with the other spouse?
Let’s get one more thing straight. Your step parent has a right to have their home the way they want it. You don’t own the house. It may be your home, but it’s not your property. Respect it.
Again, let’s stop this from being all about you step children, there’s a lot of things you don’t see. And if you treated anyone else the way you treat your step parents, you’d walk away. Ever wonder why we don’t? We love you, which is a rare and wonderful gift. So don’t throw it away.
This is straight talk and needs to be said. Start examining you actions and take responsibility for your role in a toxic dynamic. You little soul crushers.
Me and my boyfriend were seriously in love for six years and we were planning to get married but one day he came to my house and told me he was no longer interested in our relationship simply because he was dating another lady who promise to buy him a car and to sponsor their wedding. And i was heart broken. So i take a bold step by contacting a spell caster who will help me bring my ex boyfriend back and in three day after i contacted him my boy friend who left me for another girl came back and start begging to take him back. Dr. Mack is powerful and great his contact.dr.mack201@gmail. com you can also contact him for help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am thankful that you have written this article. People need to know the truth.
My stepmum is a pathological liar, and causes division. She has a narcissist personality disorder.
My dad and her had mirror wills that divided everything equally. Her three kids and his three kids. My dad asked me to come help them as he was becoming weaker with age. I came and helped for two weeks, then they wanted us to stay. So, they had us move to the property next door which my dad purchased after their marriage. I moved in to a Motor home and used a generator. I got an electrician to put in electric and we put in water and sewer lines. Dad died 9 months later. As soon as he died she changed the will to deny my dad’s wishes. She wrote my two sisters out of the will. She wrote me in for the acreage I was living on which was bare land while she wrote her kids in for the two houses.
I helped her everyday. We did everything for her inside and outside the house. Finally, after 3 years of living in the Motor home she told me she was now taking the land I was to inherit from 8 acres to 1 acre. She also told the surveyor she was going to sign over a warranty deed so I could get permits on the property. So, I sold my house that was half paid for. She even met us at the lawyers and brought the warranty deed so it looked like she was telling the truth. I kept asking for a year when I would be able to build, she even loaned me money to fix up my house to sell. Well, after a year and me cleaning decades of debris off the property she told me I couldn’t build up there and she changed her mind. Her son (my stepbrother) has been putting headless dolls near my front door, has threatened to kill me and came up with a scythe to kill me. I had to get a restraining order on him.
I haven’t been to her house for two years now because she was accusing me of everything under the sun. Also because my 52 year old stepbrother moved in with her. Now he’s her man (henchman). I figured if I wasn’t there they couldn’t blame things on me. I was wrong, since I haven’t been there I have been accused of tapping her phone, hacking her internet, hiding in her closet at night, breaking in her house with an $8000 security system and leaving clues, doing something to her car so it stopped running. Calling police on me several times for delusions of hers. She has told everyone how bad I am supposed to be also known as a smear campaign.
So, I went on vacation for a few weeks to get away and visit my children. While I was gone she changed the utilities out of my name and moved someone else on that land. I have been there 6 years and spent thousands of dollars and even more hours on labor. No notice to vacate or anything.
Not only did she deceive me out of my home, she made me homeless again. In my state it takes 60 days to vacate someone after a year. Oh yeah, and I am written out of the will now and she is giving her children my dad’s 401k. She is vile.
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