Police near Hamburg were pleased to announce yesterday that they have nearly solved the mysterious break-in robbery which took place at Dieter Bohlen’s villa last December. They now believe that the two young robbers they just arrested in connection with the case probably did so for the money.

The unbearably arrogant Bohlen, his girlfriend, gardener, maid and several small pets and garden chairs were tied up and threatened with a fake pistol and sharp cooking utensil before the prominent singer-songwriter-producer-smart-ass was forced to hand over 60,000 euros in cash. The clearly talentless masked men then left the premises without a trace, failing to take advantage of the situation and beat the crap out of the obnoxious asshole while they finally had him right down there where we all want him for once, the dumb asses.

“That’s the one part of the mystery we still can’t explain,” said the responsible police investigator. “I mean, if you’ve finally got him there, tied up and the whole bit, why on earth would you leave the place without giving him at least one good kick to the ribs? It just doesn’t add up. If we had a Monk or somebody like that over here, I’d have him down here before you could say “Cheri, Cheri Lady“. Not that you would want to say that, of course. Much less sing it.”

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