(The idea for this “satire” came weeks ago. But after the 5-21-08 stories reporting Hillary’s unnerving references to the 2000 recount, you’ve gotta wonder….) 

Back during Hillary’s third or fourth presidential term, someone explained her near maniacal tenacity: “Hillary Clinton is a pit bull who was chained to the tree too long when she was a pup.” Today, citing her 70 years of experience, the 95 year old “incumbent” announced her candidacy for a tenth term as the self-declared President of the United States.

As she has every four years, Clinton repeated that the 22nd Amendment limiting a president to two terms of office was passed in 1951 with no input from voters of the 21st century, thus disenfranchising them. She declared the amendment to be null and void. No one has ever been able to muster the courage or the support to successfully challenge this Constitutional vandalism.

Everyone living on Inauguration Day 2009 will always recall when a respectful nation watched with shock and disbelief as President-Elect John McCain expired suddenly while raising his hand to take the oath of office. Vice President Mike Huckabee, sworn in only moments earlier, was ushered in numb reluctance to the podium to take yet another, more solemn oath, when a scuffle broke out between his Secret Service detail and the agents guarding ex-First Lady Senator Clinton. That famous Hillary stare paralyzed Huckabee’s agents, who stood down, as did the Chief Justice, while Clinton rattled off the presidential oath from memory and took her place behind the podium. Wiping a tear from her eye, she first uttered a brief sentence honoring McCain for “a long, full life of honorable service.” After an Inaugural Address no one remembers, she curtly explained to the media that the Constitution does not require anyone to administer the oath, only that the words be spoken before performing the duties of office. “Besides, I can administer it to myself, since in the 90’s we were the president.”

How did it ever come to this?

In August of 2008, Clinton had spoken glowingly of the inevitable party unity “no matter who the nominee is” right up until the fourth convention roll call which finally crowned Barack Obama. She is then reported to have thrown a lamp at her husband and screamed, “Well, screw ’em, Bill, we don’t owe them a thing!” A hurricane of lawsuits began the next morning, challenging every aspect of the primaries, the vote counts, the legitimacy of the delegates, the original election campaigns of key superdelegates, the party rules, the fairness of the media, campaign finance laws, the validity of internet contributions, a “breach of faith” suit against Governor Bill Richardson, the citizenship status of Obama, the alleged violations of rules of order at the convention, the functionality of the voting machinery, and a sexual harassment suit against Obama for holding her chair for her during some of the debates.

When the Democratic Party fractured, handing the election to McCain, Hillary demanded a recount in a replay of the 2000 calamity, maintaining that she had been the legitimate nominee, y’ know, and the Obama nomination was a sham that insulted hardworking white Americans, y’ know, and that if the votes in the election that would have been hers if she’d been officially recognized as the nominee, y’ know, she would have defeated Senator John We-Honor-Him-For-His-Service McCain, y’ know, and thus she was the rightfully elected first female President of the United States.

Hillary said that she had misspoken when she said she had misspoken about being under sniper fire in Bosnia, so she sued the military for veteran’s benefits. The day after she assumed the presidency, she named her home in Chappaqua, New York “the new White House,” filed a divorce suit against Bill Clinton, fought to be awarded his presidential pension, sued for a full presidential salary, was awarded the house, and declared she was keeping her Senate seat while serving as president. She also ran for mayor of Chappaqua, lost, and is still challenging the results, claiming that her opponents played the race card by not bussing in people from the housing projects so they could vote.

Friends raised all legal funds and are helping pay off her 1.8 billion dollar campaign debts.

During the last three decades, President Hillary Clinton has continued in every election cycle to announce her candidacy and declare herself the winner, re-inventing the rules each time to suit herself. It all began during that bizarre election of 2008, when Clinton continued her dead campaign long past the point of all reason. For those of you who remember the vintage movie, it was a “Weekend at Bernie’s” campaign. It was dead for months, but they kept propping up the body. Even after deals were worked out for the seating of delegates from Florida and Michigan, even after Obama acquired the number of pledged delegates and superdelegates to make him the assumptive nominee, Hillary repeated what she had said earlier in the campaign, “There is no such thing as a pledged delegate,” no matter how they were selected. After months of complaining about letting every vote count, her attempt to nullify the already counted votes rang as hollow as her resume.

In retrospect, we made three basic errors. First, we kept on assuming that Hillary was driven by reasonable motives, that she was like the rest of us, and that she had the interests of her party in mind. She is NOT like the rest of us. She never was. We never saw that until it was too late.

Secondly, Obama should have been urged to select one of several highly qualified woman candidates for the Vice Presidency. Female voters were rightfully angry about being disenfranchised for so long. Obama could have tapped Kathleen Sebelius, the two term landslide Democratic governor in the heavily Republican state of Kansas, who took on the insurance companies there (and won), fought the coal industry (and won), and still balanced the state budget after inheriting a tub of red ink.

Why did anyone buy into the idea that Hillary Clinton was the best and only person to represent the female half of the American electorate? Her outrageous antics set back the cause of feminism 20 years. Every beer-guzzling, pot-bellied bozo in the United States looked at her smugly and said, “See, I KNEW women weren’t qualified to be president.”

Our third and enduring error was to let Senator Clinton get away with paralyzing us by intimidation, using that chilling stare and that ice pick voice when she was angry. Here it is 2043, and she still, at age 95, has this inexplicable ability to intimidate people. She intimidated the superdelegates in 2008. She intimidated Obama. She intimidated her own husband. She even intimidated, of all people, the national media, without paying the price that such tactics have always rained down on other public figures. When Bill Richardson and Chris Dodd called Hillary to break the news that they were throwing their superdelegate support behind Barack Obama, both of them gave sanitized accounts about these conversations being “uncomfortable.” That was no doubt a euphemism for yelling, shaming, threatening, and name-calling that left them both shaken.

The superdelegates should have gone to her, as a group, had a come-to-Jesus meeting with her, told her it was over, and that her future in the party hinged on her doing the right thing for the party now–no excuses. Everyone was worried that she and her supporters would be angry. They were afraid, and not without reason.

But Hillary was going to be angry no matter what. It’s like firing someone. You don’t do it politely and gradually once the necessity is clear. You get the brass together, confront the disruptive employee in their office, take five minutes to tell them it’s over, take away their key, stay with them until they clear out their office, walk them to the door, and buck up for whatever consequences may come.

Instead everyone tried to nice her out of the race. But she wasn’t nice back, and she wouldn’t leave.

In 2008, they said it would be over in February. They said it would be over in March. They said it would be over in April. They said it would be over in May. They said it would be over in June. They said it would be over by convention time. But it was never over. It never would have been over unless Hillary had won. They said the party would be united for the fall campaign. It never was going to united unless Hillary had won. Thus, John McCain, reluctant choice of the Republicans, was the legitimately elected president in the election of 2008.

It’s been a long and exhausting period in American history. And the pit bull is still running, thirty-six years later. That’s 252 in dog years. “Y’ know, this election isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

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