I have to admit that I ended part one with a bit of a cliff hanger. Would the Blob of stuff completely take over the kitchen? Or was there a way to tame it?

I am pretty much a non violent person, but I needed advice. I retreated to an area of the house that had not been discovered by the ever growing lump of dough. The recipe suggested that I ‘Punch it down”. I took this advice literally, snuck into the kitchen, whipped the damp cloth off and smacked the dough ball as hard as I could. I must have hit it just right, it stopped growing!

Who knew that a quick smack in the mouth could stop what was potentially going to become a blob that likely would have consumed the entire house, maybe even the entire town, even state. Note to the feds, if you are faced with an attack by a huge dough ball save the nukes, all you need is a brave young man to punch it on the nose!

Going back to the recipe, I alas found a little bit of a problem. It would be no problem to cut the blob into 12 bits, no problem to find a dry flat surface, and no problem to sprinkle the aforementioned flat surface with flour. I was no longer scared of flour, one good hit and it was done!

Nope, the big issue was that the recipe wanted me to take the small dough ball and use something called a ‘rolling pin’ to make it circular, thin, and about the same size as a small plate.

I was pretty certain that there was no rolling pin in the kitchen. I have also read enough about the evils of pastry to know that it hates getting warm once you have smacked it in the mouth.

What could I use in place of a rolling pin?

I checked the refrigerator, I was sure that I could find the needed weapon, Cold and round, it was a walk in the park. I considered a squidly little beer can.


But I had reservations about just how good a 12 oz can of low test alcohol would stand up to the ‘punched out’ Blob. In my mind something more substantial was called for. Alas the brain destroying 11% Axe Head is not available in Mississippi. 
It is unfortunate, I really think Axe Head would make a great rolling pin. It would also clearly be a better use of than trying to drink it. But that is a story for another day.

My final selection for a rolling pin was  a 24 oz can of High Gravity.

High Gravity makes for a great rolling pin substitute, at 24 ounces it has the right size and weight for the task. But I think it is only fair to offer the advice that you should not open it right after use. It has a tendency to be lively, as in, explode all over what ever you are wearing. I should also point out that if you read part one, and the problem with getting covered with flour, the addition of a really grumpy beer will do nothing favorable. It does take 20 or so minutes before the flour and beer become ‘hard friends’, but my advice is to get them clothes off now, the neighbors will ask questions about the Chain Saw noise later while you cut your clothes off.

Although not directly connected to this particular recipe I think it only fair to share a flour story with you. In my youth I was very much into fishing. My favorite quest was a slimy mucus covered fish called a Tench.


A favorite bait was a small flour and water ball. The combination of flour paste, water and Tench slime resulted in a pair of trousers that became so stiff they could stand up on their own!

OK back to the plot. I ended up with 12 somewhat round thin disks, they looked rather line slightly thick flour tortillas.
Other than the fact that the kitchen looked like it had been the target of an act of vandalism, I would say that on the whole it went quite well.

In part three I will explain what I was doing while the killer dough ball was mutating under the damp cloth (making the meat topping).

Simon Barrett

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