Some movies are meant to be great and turn out to be crap.  Others were wholly unwatchable from the start and should be relegated to the dustbin of history.  That’s where I come in.  If there’s a movie that could conceivably burn your eyes in an attempt to review it, I will take that challenge.  I am the defender of crap films far and wide.  I am the Crap Warrior.

When I rented “Barb Wire” starring one of America’s favorite chesty tart, Pamela Anderson, I was fully prepared to laugh and enjoy and deliciously terrible movie.  I have to admit that this flick was disappointing.  It was terrible no doubt, but not in way that one can appreciate it for its kitsch value.  Usually the acting or the story is so bad that it becomes funny if you’ll allow yourself to laugh at the worst parts of the film.  However, “Barb Wire” was sufficiently campy to enjoy.  Rather, the movie was just bad and boring.

No red-blooded American male should fall asleep shortly after seeing Pam Anderson pole dance naked while being doused with endless buckets of water.  The fact that I did on more than one viewing of this mindless piece of celluloid should tell you that the plot is less than enthralling.

Our story takes place in 2017 after the second civil war.  Essentially what’s left of America is under military dictatorial rule except for the futuristic equivalent of New Hampshire, Steel Harbor.  From here the story resembles a parody of the movie “Escape from New York.”  You have the rebels and the fascists duking it out for supremacy over the last free city.  In the middle of this mess is biker cum nude dancer cum bar tender cum bounty hunter Barb Wire.  She has survived by no longer choosing sides and just staying neutral, like Switzerland.

Now anti-heroes that go on a hero’s journey and find the hero inside are fine.  However, after two hours if all that changed about your protagonist is that she’s forced to choose the good guys side after being betrayed by the bad guys, you have a very unsympathetic character on your hands.  Essentially, even for a campy film, that is it’s biggest flaw.  There is no emotional investment in the Barb Wire character.  She consistently screws over her friends and enemies alike and in the end still makes the wrong decision.  The key to making a good movie is that you have to some connection to the characters but if all you’ve got is a whiny mercenary, there’s not much there to root for.

So the plot is considerably weak and somewhat convoluted.  However, the acting in this movie is even worse.  Pamela Anderson is a terrible actress.  I’ve seen less wooden acting from corpses.  She delivered almost all her lines in the same way.  She sounds half annoyed and half faux tough-girl.  Even for a b-movie this was hard to stomach.

The rest of the cast wasn’t much better and in all honesty, I wasn’t interested enough in the movie to care about them either.

Overall, I’m pretty tolerant of terrible movies but this one was just plain boring when it wasn’t completely terrible.  If you really feel a need to see Pamela Anderson naked just google her name and they’ll be plenty of pictures available for your perusal.  Otherwise this one is definitely worth skipping, as there are better terrible movies to have fun with.

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