“The US still has serious, fundamental concerns about this daft, I mean, draft statement,” said one Washington official, seething in rage. He was referring to German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s proposal for limiting the worldwide temperature rise which she had hoped would be agreed upon by representatives from the world’s leading industrial nations during the G8 summit set to be held in Germany in just two weeks time.

“Like, my temperature starts rising just reading this nonsense,” he continued, hyperventilating a bit. Merkel proposes a commitment to limiting the worldwide temperature rise this century to 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit and cutting global greenhouse gas emissions to 50 percent below 1990 levels by 2050.

“We have tried to tread lightly on this issue,” another red-faced beltway bureaucrat standing next to the first guy said. “But there is only so far we can go given our fundamental opposition to the German position. Their text has crossed multiple red lines in terms of what we simply cannot agree to, so now we’re going to stop treading and start stomping instead.”

The current US government believes that industrial-based problems like these should be tackled with technology-based solutions rather than mandatory emissions targets and it accuses Berlin of actively ignoring this stance. Washington is also a bit miffed that if mandatory emission targets are introduced, other notable emissionistas like China and India will not even be involved in the process.

Berlin has also taken it upon itself to call the recent communiqué final despite the fact that the US has never agreed to any of the climate change language presented in the document. In fact, not only has new problematic text been added here, the majority of the comments on the previous draft have yet to be addressed.

“I sure hope they’ve got their solar-powered, wind-powered, cow dung-powered or whatever the hell kind of-powered power systems up and running in Heiligendamm next month,” one of the pissed-off politicians said. “They’re going to need to cool down the place once we get there.”

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