By all accounts, September 19’s much ballyhooed Talk Like a Pirate Day was an overwhelming success! Humans the world over adopted the attire and argot of murderous marauding malcontents for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than that someone somewhere – Hollywood publicists? – thought it a capital idea.

Always one for a party, I submit that we continue the celebration with a moderately updated variation on the theme and establish today – September 20 – “Talk Like a Terrorist Day.” 

The transition ought prove quite seamless for funsters.  As W. Thomas Smith, Jr., co- author of The Complete Idiots Guide to Pirates points out in his article Could Your Summer Vacation Walk the Plank?, pirates are very much a reality in the 21st century and, while there are differences, the distinction between them and terrorists can prove somewhat challenging to ascertain. 

“Pirates in the 21st century are often very well-equipped: They have computers, satellite phones, GPS receivers, long-range telescopes, and the same weapons any international terrorist might have. Third — and this may be difficult to grasp unless one has ever spent any real time at sea — the oceans cover over 70 percent of the earth, and 60 percent of those oceans are international waters where anyone has the freedom to roam.

Fortunately, most pirates operate in remote areas, relatively close to shorelines that can be avoided. Also they are not nearly as determined as terrorists. Unfortunately, some pirates and terrorists are one and the same, and terrorists are certainly able to move freely throughout pirate communities.”

But let us not concern ourselves with such hand-wringing, right-wing extremist, fear-mongering. I mean really, how likely is it that any of us are going to end up the victim of piracy?  Similarly, as Michael Moore points out, how likely is it any of us are going to end up the victim of terrorism?  Let the party continue!  Celebrate September 20 – “Talk Like a Terrorist Day!”  All that is necessary is exchanging that bandana for a black hood, that plastic sword for an AK-47, and expressions like, “Arrrrgh, you’ll walk the plank, me matey!” for “Death to Israel” and “Death to America.”  And all this on the eve of Iranian President Ahmedinejad’s coming to New York to speak before the United Nations. A finer welcome there has never been! 

Be it for treasure, virgins, Allah what have you, there are creatures – past, present, and future – who will kill indiscriminately and en masse with absolutely no compunction whatsoever.  At previous stations in history, free people felt the need to identify them and fight them. In today’s enlightened era, however, we know the thing to do is “Party Like a Pirate!”



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