Feeling somehow lost and empty despite his fabulous wealth and phenomenal success, and rather pensive after a recent private visit paid to him at the zoo by the Cruise family, Berlin’s “Cute Knut” the polar bear is said to be considering joining the ranks of Scientology.

The six-month-old baby bear cub-now-more-like-a-teenager is “going through a lot of changes these days”, said his badly scratched and scarred foster-father and personal assistant Thomas Dörflein. “Polar bears at this age are often open to pernicious outside influence and wacky philosophical quacks like these Scientologists,” said Dörflein in an interview with the Tagesspiegel. “They also have the tendency to suddenly attack, bite and badly scratch up innocent human beings like myself. In another six months or so they start eating us, too. So is it any wonder that the Scientologists want to get at him at this, uh, tender age?”

Speculation about the eerie influence the Cruise visit may have had upon the dumb animal came about after reports concerning Tom Cruise’s latest Scientology “level” were made public. It appears that the actor has now reached the highest level of “clear” available in the Church of Scientology and is now able to do things that the likes of you and me would “clearly” rather not ponder.

Scientology spokesmen would not commit when asked if telepathically influencing poor, defenseless, man-eating polar bears was one of them.

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