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"Putting Sean Penn On House Arrest" Tops White House List Of Disaster Preparedness Suggestions
The White House released the findings of their independent report on the federal response to Hurricane Katrina on Thursday. Some of their recommendations for a more efficient response to future disasters occurring on U.S. soil include:
The Defense Department and the Homeland Security Department should work together to identify tribes of cannibals, head hunters, witch doctors and other potentially dangerous native groups ahead of time.
The Justice Department should place Sean Penn, his camera crew, his stylist, his manicurist and his personal biographer on house arrest immediately after a disaster strikes.
Lt. General Russell Honore should be placed in charge of all media relations. His responsibilities should include, but are not limited to, dealing with reporters who are: stuck on stupid, blinded by bias and in a rut due to retardation.
Michael Moore's hidden caches of Lil' Debbie snack cakes and Zagnut bars should be confiscated to provide emergency relief for disaster victims.
Bring on Captain Steubing, Gopher and Julie to coordinate emergency housing needs. (Editors note: A White House spokesman stated that although she has repeatedly volunteered her services as a "special guest disaster alleviation specialist", at this time it is not recommended that aging Latina bombshell Charo be involved in the relief efforts.)
Creating a stockpile of vanilla pudding and white chocolate to be used in balancing the overall confectionery mixture in heavily dark chocolate disaster regions.
Buckley F. Williams is the Senior Editor of the conservative satire site The Nose On Your Face
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