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“Oh loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”

Indeed they are Comic Book Guy, indeed they are.

I am a self-proclaimed Fat Bastard (I actually use a different word than bastard but I’m editing this for a PG-13 audience). Even if I drop from my current weight of 265lbs to my lowest weight in years, 215lbs, I’ll still be a fat bastard. If somehow I were to drop even more weight to my ideal, say 180lbs – 190lbs, though I would look skinny, I would still in fact be a fat bastard on the inside. There’s no sense denying it. I eat to stay awake when I’m sleepy. I eat when I’m sad and lonely. I get excited when I pass a Taco Bell. My eyes are typically bigger than my stomach and stomach never turns down a challenge from eyes. My parents are fat and their parents before them were fat too. I would rather stay in and watch a movie or sit at the computer than be outside. I say it loud and not so much proud – with vigor and gusto not because it’s a good thing but because you must confront these sort of inner demons, despite my best intentions at times, I am in fact, and there’s no denying it, a fat bastard.

Judd Nelson put it best in this exchange with Molly Ringwald from the “Breakfast Club”:

Claire Standish: I’m not fat.

John Bender: Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ’em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh…

Though he’s trying purposely to be mean to her, there is an element of truth to what he is saying. Genetics, environment and lifestyle can predispose someone to fat bastardhood. If you are prone to using food as a pacifier, there’s a good chance you too are a fat bastard. If several of your friends, co-workers and family members are card carrying members of the You Fat Bastard Lobby (more on that in a moment), then you’ve got little chance significantly reducing your weight and increasing your health.

However, just because you and I were born to be fat bastards doesn’t mean we should throw our hands up and set up permanent residency at the Cheesecake Factory. That would be like someone predisposed to alcoholism choosing to indulge their disease before they’ve actually taken their first drink. Becoming healthy, which should be of paramount importance to everyone, is as much about being in the right mental state as it is about making the right decisions.

The problem people tend to have is that once the decision to get healthy and drop weight is made, it is usually and immediately mucked up with extraneous baggage that makes life that much harder. For example, somebody says that today I’m going to go on a diet and loose weight and immediately they think that they have to join a gym. Then after the novelty passes they stop going to the gym for one reason or the other, feel bad about and pacify with a nice bowl of Moose Tracks Ice Cream.

Losing weight is not really that complicated and it can be made easier than following the most recent of fad diets or believing that losing weight means living at the gym. My partner fat bastardness lost a lot of weight over the past few years so he’s as much an authority on this material as anyone else writing diet plans. His is a bit more common sense and practical than the rest and it readily identifies first that some people were born to be fat and thus it is written to deal with that variable first.

So without further ado, here it is, The Reverend John Eat Less, Move More (You Fat Bastard) Health Initiative:

1. Fad Diets don’t work, and neither do short cuts. You spent a long time becoming a fat b**s***d; it’s going to take time and work to lose the weight. Not matter how many diets Oprah endorses, she always seems to put at least some of the weight back on.

2. If you do no other exercise during the day, always go for a walk after dinner. If the weather sucks, walk around the living room for a half an hour.

3. Go to the library (maybe ever walk there). Read about healthy food, illness prevention diets, and any health related magazines. My best friend was my subscription to “Men’s Health.” Get your learn on.

4. Buy groceries for lunch, not fast food. Also, frozen dinners like Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers are usually on sale for half price at one supermarket or the other.

5. Watch fat people. See what they eat and what they feed their kids.

6. See what fitness programs your health insurance covers. For example, mine covers a gym membership as long as I go at least twice a week. And before you say it, make the time to exercise. If it means waking up early or missing an episode of “Law and Order,” so be it.

7. If you’re at work, leave your wallet in the car. You can’t use the vending machine if you don’t have money on you.

8. Take full advantage of the parks, beaches, nature trails, etc. in your neighborhood.

9. If you don’t have to drive there, don’t drive there. Walk.

10. Say goodbye to soda, even if it is diet.

Since I’ve recently become gloriously single and thus master of my own fate, I’ve begun to put some of this into practice. I’ve accepted the fist tenet pretty easily. When I met my (now ex) wife in July of 2005 I was at about 230lbs. By the time we were married in May of 2006 (that’s a whole other column) I was tipping the scales at about 280lbs. I say about because once I stopped fitting into size 40 pants I also stopped weighing myself. So yes, it took almost a year to put on 50lbs. If I don’t want to give myself a heart attack or have oodles of flabby skin, it’s going take at least that long for me to drop 50 lbs.

Having a dog to walk and living in close proximity to Main Street helps me to walk a lot. If I get no other exercise during the day, I know I’ve walked my dog at least twice. I still have soda issues due to working night shifts so that’s the next part of the plan to implement. And finally, my own rub on this initiative, if you can’t access it, you can’t eat it.

When I was married, I noticed that during the peak TV watching hours my (now ex) wife and I used to make frequent raids on the refrigerator or cupboards. I once made the suggestion that maybe we would lose weight if we stopped having all this extra food we don’t need in the house. Honestly, dieting and the phrase, “I can eat _______

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