My Dear Messerâ€™s bin-Laden, Al-Zawahari, Ahmadinejad, Khamenei, al-Assad, al-Sadr, et-al;
I believe it is safe to say, weâ€™ve had our differences. You donâ€™t like our government, our economics, our culture, our religions, our philosophies, our history, our military, our taste in womenâ€™s clothing, our presence on earth; and weâ€™re not particularly fond of your techniques in evangelizing the glories of Islam.
However, it is high time we put all this nonsense behind us. For in truth, we all find ourselves confronted today by an enemy far more formidable than either of us could ever prove to each other. Of course I am referring to GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE.
We acknowledge and applaud your extraordinary efforts thus far toward bringing the primary cause of the coming global cataclysm â€“ free market capitalism â€“ to its knees. However, we would be remiss in failing to point out that certain of your tactics appear to be contributing to the carbon emissions conundrum as well.
For instance, were you aware that upon ignition, Improvised Explosive Devices (IED) can release anywhere from 10K to 50K Carbon Dioxide (CO2) parts per million (ppm) into the atmosphere? Similarly, your standard issue suicide-belt has an emissions range of 20Kppm to 40Kppm upon issuance, with concentrations as high as 147K ppm when deployed by exceptionally flatulent martyrs. And flying fully fueled 747s into sky scrapers (particularly those built prior to 1998) produces carbon emission ratings so high as to be virtually incalculable! In light of these disturbing facts, we are confident you will agree that the situation has become entirely unacceptable, and that action must be taken post haste!
You are undoubtedly aware of international efforts, and those of the United States Congress, to disable the Bush industrial war machine. Progress is slow but certain. We humbly submit that you likewise take steps towards eliminating or modifying your weapons so as to mitigate their carbon footprint and the detrimental effects thereof.
Please take our hands. Join us in the jihad against carbon emissions. TOGETHER we can save our planet, and live to kill each other another day!
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