In what appears to be a concerted effort set into motion by mysterious dark forces pulling strings at the World Carfree Network headquarters in Prague, scores of high-powered luxury automobiles have been targeted for attack by environmentally aware nature freaks (freaks of nature?) in Berlin this year.

While the more roughneck anarchist climate thug inhabitants terrorizing the city’s eastern districts prefer the more traditional method of simply lighting their random Großkotz (big shot) automobiles on fire – 100 have gone up in flames so far this year – the more bourgeois activists to the west just let the air out of the tires and stick a flyer on the windshield.

Berlin Police are unable to say just how much famous Berliner Luft (air) has been released into the climate by climate criminals so far, but over 87 cars have been “flattened” as of this writing. “And if you multiply 87 times 4,” said one dazed patrolman, “Well, that’s a whole bunch of air.”

Terrorized automobile owners, thrilled by the prospect of finally having something new to get hysterical about, have begun forming vigilante groups throughout the city and are thought to be organizing all-night big car watching vigils, at least in the wealthier districts like Zehlendorf. “Big protzie (showy) cars like this are supposed to be watched anyway,” said one masked vigilante. “So I don’t find this all that inconvenient, to tell you the truth. That’s mine over there, by the way.”

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