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Are you freakishly obsessed with the daily casualty count in Iraq? Do you find yourself disappointed when a day or two goes by and no American soldiers die?  Have you ever been at a cocktail party and said, “How can we be so damn jovial when George Bush is responsible for a death toll in Iraq that is approaching one-tenth the total of British dead in the Second Boer War?”

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need the new Associated Press Pocket Iraq Casualty Counter!  Now the information you need to make bizarre, extraneous points about the Iraqi War is at your fingertips, 24 hours a day! The Pocket Casualty Counter uses satellite technology to wirelessly provide instant updates on casualties, as they happen.  And the Pocket Casualty Counter links the death toll with a historical database to provide you with the factual ammunition you need to battle those crazy neo-cons, on the go!  So you’ll be able to say, “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but George Bush has now murdered 10 times the number of people who are eaten alive in an average decade by the Spotted Siberian Tiger.”  Imagine the look of shock on their Christian fundamentalist faces!

Still not convinced? What if we told you the Pocket Casualty Counter can be personally customized, so the latest information can be delivered by your favorite anti-war celebrity? That’s right! Who better to tell you that a U.S. soldier has died than Cindy Sheehan? Or Michael Moore? Imagine the dulcet tones of John Kerry echoing from your pocket against a funeral dirge. You’ll be the envy of everyone at Starbucks!

But wait, there’s more! Act now, and we’ll include a free software upgrade to get real-time WOUNDED statistics as well.  And since the Pocket Casualty Counter counts SAD and SLEEPING soldiers as WOUNDED, you’ll get the robust numbers you need to make killer anti-war points that will leave your opponents speechless!

How can this get any better? Order in the next 30 minutes, and we’ll send you, free of charge, the AP Abacus of Dead Iraqi Civilians. Now you can count the murdered innocents of Iraq like an old Babylonian, wailing and crying as you slide the beads of death!

So that’s the Pocket Casualty Counter, the free WOUNDED software upgrade, and the AP Abacus of Dead Iraqi Civilians!  And you can have it all for just $199.99!  But you must act now! Sympathetic operators with multiple piercings are standing by!  CALL NOW!

Buckley F. Williams is the Senior Editor of The Nose On Your Face which offers “news so fake, you’ll swear it came from the mainstream media.”

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