Is there life after the Eurovision song contest? After this year’s blood fest, I mean? The Italians somehow managed to pull out gracefully before this year’s brutally bizarre extravaganza. Oh Lordi (last year’s winner, get it?), why oh why couldn’t the others get out in time? If Western Europe would have thought ahead for once and spoken with one voice and conscientiously objected before entering this depraved and one-sided death match, it might have been spared being divided up into the Musical Cold War Blocs it now finds itself in.

Damn. This year’s winner is more scary-looking than last year’s. And that’s not easy, either. But at least last year’s winner was on the right side of the Musical Cold War Heavy Metal Curtain, know what I’m sayin?

“Tactical voting” has left a foul taste in Western Europe’s collective mouth, which is, as you now, extremely big. “There’s a definite Baltic bloc,” said one shocked expert after the votes where in. “And a Balkan bloc, too. And they’ve been joined in recent years by a Russian bloc. We won the Cold War but we lost the Eurovision.” And I didn’t even make this quote up, either.

Precisely where the United States stands on this issue is not yet clear, but my first impulse is to recommend that we do not let ourselves get entangled in any of these messy European alliances and refrain from declaring war on anybody just yet. Even though the four Western nations with which we have had some of the longest and strongest ties, and which bear the lion’s share of the costs of Eurovision (the UK, France, Spain and Germany), landed way down there among the humiliating bottom six places. Losers.

Okay, maybe somebody could fire a cruise missile or two at some recording studio in the night when nobody’s looking if you want, but no war. Not just yet.

Come visit me at Observing Hermann…

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