That actor, talk show stand-up-on-chair comedian and sinister member of a reptile race in human form that has secretly been controlling the course of human history for seven millennia Tom Cruise is set to play the role of the German WiderstandskÃ¤mpfer (resistance fighter â€“ what, there was only one?) Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg (bet you canâ€™t say his name ten times really fast) in an upcoming film is bad enough, but now the von Stauffenberg family is justifiably worried that Scientology might creep into the film, as well. When Tom Cruise creeps into it, that is.
Graf von Stauffenberg, the originator of the first Mission Impossible, was a German Wehrmacht officer who took part in a resistance group which planned â€œOperation Valkyrieâ€, the assassination attempt on Adolf Hitler on July 20, 1944. The bomb which von Stauffenberg planted in a bunker briefing room next to Hitler killed several high-ranking officers, but left the dictator unscathed. This of course then led to von Stauffenbergâ€™s gruesome and untimely death.
Upon hearing about the Cruise casting, one of von Stauffenbergâ€™s grandchildren expressed concern that the film might be financed by Scientology and that it could be an attempt to spread the organizationâ€™s zany, laugh-a-minute propaganda by cruel and unusual means. Cruise, for his part, has vocally lobbied German officials in the past over the countryâ€™s steadfast refusal to recognize Scientology as a church. Old Europeans.
So is this payback time, or what? Only the Intergalactic Reptilian Council convening on Zardon four thousand years ago knows for sure.
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