Reliable unnamed sources have confirmed unconfirmed reports that a full 8 percent of the German population now consists of alien beings, with Turkish, Italian, Polish, Klingon, Gorn, Borg, Cardassian, Trill and Romulan hybrids making up the biggest groups.

The unnamed source, a part-time employee at the German Federal Statistics Office mooching Bier (beer) at the Zum Eierdieb Kneipe (bar) in Wiesbaden, reluctantly confirmed this data Wednesday night sometime around his eighth or ninth drink.

The real statisticians he works for estimate that about 6.75 million non-Germans are now currently living in Germany. This figure does not include tourists, “Americans” and other visitors, of course. It is also recalculated every year to account for new arrivals, departures, mysterious temporary abductions, deaths and naturalization. Germany’s official overall population as of the end of 2005 was 82.44 million.

About one-fifth of these mysterious invaders were actually born here in Germany, where nationality is not conferred by birth, this privilege being reserved only for those non-alien types who descend directly from a German, and not out of the sky.

Some 26 percent of the foreigners have Turkish passports, followed by Italians (8 percent) and Poles (5 percent). Exact percentages for the “others” could not be determined as eerie and unearthly, mind-altering telepathic energy beams have regularly distorted the judgment of and numbers taken by the German statisticians responsible for their ascertainment.

Integration still remains a big problem for Germany as many aliens refuse to take on German nationality because German law requires new citizens to renounce their old nationality and intergalactic allegiances.

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