I love pointless adventures. Tomorrow I most likely will get improved by microsoft. The new windows 10 upgrade hits the streets. The good news is that I have a nice Win 7 laptop that I can fall back on when the shit hits the fan.

I have used the win 10 laptop since January, it is mostly OK, I hate the stupid start menu, the live tiles bug the crap out of me, but I spend little time in the start menu so I have learned to tune it out.

It took over a month to discover another useless feature, I was giving the screen a quick wipe to get rid of the dead bugs on it and Win 10 was going nuts. The problem apparently being that it was a touch screen’ Who in their right mind needs or uses a touch screen on a laptop?

Sensing bad weather ahead, I decided to play with Windows 10 one last time, before Microsoft improved me again.

I had heard  tell of Cortana. A digital assistant that you can talk to. Hey, it sounds fun, maybe it can do the dishes?

Alas it proved far more complex than I had bargained for. I have a perfectly fine Gmail account, but apparently that is not good enough. So after a lot of hassle I set up a spanky new account on Outlook.com. After much fiddling and a couple of password resets, the all powerful Cortana Was at my mercy, well not quite. You have to mess with a bunch of settings.

Finally, the big moment…”hey Cortana what is the weather forecast today?”

After some thought I got the reply that it was hot and muggy.

The next question was “Hey Cortana, open Microsoft Word”. That resulted in being shown a Bing search for Microsoft Word. A more useless result I cannot think of.

Done with my fun and games with a useless piece of software I shut the laptop down and went about more serious issues, how were the Buzzards doing with the dead Armadillo in the road in front of the house? Actually they were doing quite well, traffic had flattened the Armadillo, thus tenderizing the meat. 5 Buzzards were feasting.

Buzzards are fun to watch, I did however take note that Vinnie the cat was nowhere to be found. He loves to stalk birds but clearly Buzzards are out of his league.

I powered my Laptop back on and I was in shock and horror, it had been hijacked by this stupid piece of crap software. Gone was the hello Simon, and in its place was the butt ugly email address I had created to play  with Cortana, even worse, I now have to enter the asinine password that goes with it.

At no time was I asked nor told of the consequences of enabling a totally useless feature ‘Cortana’ on my computer. I am sure that short of reloading stinking Windows I am now stuck for life.

The other thing that has me pissed off, to use Cortana you have to track it done and click on the microphone icon, say “Hey Cortana” and ask your question.

I use Firefox as my browser, to check the weather I click in the title bar, type ‘we’ and it guesses that I want the Weather, I hit enter, and I am on the weather channel. Less fuss, less muss, the computer doesn’t get hijacked, everyone is happy. Sorry, but Cortana scores minus a million stars!!!!

Simon Barrett

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