I had an interesting conversation with my good friend author Sam Moffie. This was the result…….(Possibly NSFW)
There have been several rounds of economic and trade sanctions against Russia imposed recently, but none seem to have had an effect on Czar/President-for-Life/ macho-man Putin. He has something like an 80% approval rating with his ‘Subjects’ and us cutting off his Visa credit card is hardly going to have an effect.
Hitting him in on the wallet just is not working. It is time that sanctions had some meaningful effect, and what better place to start than the bathroom. Russia has plenty of water, it has lots of natural gas to heat water. Showers are not the problem. The key component though for a happy bathroom is the toilet. Could you imagine the grumpy masses if there was no toilet paper? We in America can’t (unless you remember the great toilet paper hoax started one night by Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show. Carson joked that there was going to be a toilet paper shortage, and the next day at stores — people were beating the shit (pun intended) out of each other to buy up as much as they could. Carson became even a bigger celebrity endorser of products after that).
No bathroom tissue for Vlad and the other millions of Mother Russia should be our battle cry! This latest round of sanctions get to the ‘bottom’ of the frosty US Russia relationship. I mean let’s face it, the current round of sanctions by the west are a crap (pun intended) shoot at best.
Cutting off the regular supply of soft western toilet paper could well cripple Putin’s attempts to rebuild the USSR. Secretary of State John Kerry was tight lipped in a recent press conference, but did admit that ‘paper products’ were one area being investigated for sanctions. Charmin did not wish to respond officially, however off the record they explained that closing the Russian market would not significantly change their bottom (pun intended) line.
An un-named representative of RT (Russian TV) remarked “this is a shitty move by the White House”.
A Putin associate who asked to remain anonymous called the move Asinine.
The official Russian media are saying nothing on the subject, but Facebook and twitter are awash with claims that supermarket shelves are devoid of toilet tissue. On the bright side, sales of newspapers (which have been way down) are sky rocketing. While not as functional or comfy as Charmin, they work better than a smart phone.
“The newsprint leaves a bit of an ink smudge, but it isn’t like it will be covered up or people are going around sniffing each other asses like dogs,” said an unnamed Russian citizen.
“We had toilet paper shortages during the old days of Communism,” remarked an elderly man who was carrying two bags full of leaves. When asked about the leaves being for a fire, the man replied “wiping.”
President Obama is hoping that cutting off Russia’s toilet paper will “make Putin smell the roses” when it comes to coming to grips who is the REAL superpower in the world.
Other reports throughout Russia show the sales of wallpaper removal stripper and related tools booming, as people get ready for the inevitable.
Chinese Leader Who Flung Poo had this comment about Russia and the United States going ass to ass “Man who go to be with itchy ass, wakes up with smelly finger.”
It is also important that we do not let this further ‘bog down’ the already constipated relationship between the US and Russia.
Simon Barrett and Sam Moffie