Due in part to a recent rash of inexplicable polonium disappearances in numerous Russian laboratories, Moscow now finds itself facing the near depletion of its precious strategic polonium reserves. “Good ole buddy” Germany has generously offered to lend a helping hand and has begun exporting large amounts of atomic poison to its stricken friend.

From Germany with love.

“This isn’t polonium, of course,” said a nameless Russian spokesman wearing shades and a trench coat standing in the darkly shadowed doorway of a dilapidated and slightly glowing warehouse in an undisclosed and thoroughly creepy Moscow neighborhood. “But in times of dire shortage like this, any kind of deadly nuclear waste we can get our hands on is always greatly appreciated.”

The Germans started their Spendenaktion (charity program) by contributing 326 kilograms of highly enriched uranium produced in a Soviet-era atomic reactor near Dresden. It is unclear, however, how much other lethal material will follow. Over 200 Saxon police and 100 federal officers accompanied the transporter carrying the waste early yesterday from the Rossendorf nuclear facility to Dresden airport, from where the deadly freight was quietly (no demostrators, for once) whisked away to Moscow on a monstrous Iljuschin transport aircraft.

“Not only should this be seen as a good will gesture and show of friendship”, a German spokesman said to reporters after cheerfully waving goodbye to the Russian plane. “We also want to make damned sure that dangerous stuff like this never falls into the wrong hands.”

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