A polonium epidemic that began with the death of ex-K.G.B. agent Alexander V. Litvinenko in London last month has now spread to Germany. Four people who had come into contact with the business associate suspected of being involved in the murder were hospitalized in Hamburg yesterday on suspicion of being contaminated by the deadly substance.

This eerie and mysterious wave of incidents has raised wild speculation within the Germany medical research community. Some researchers have gone as far as to speculate that the infamous H5N1 “bird flu” virus, which now seems to have vanished off the face of the earth, has in fact somehow managed to mutate into this rare radioactive metalloid and is presently spreading like wildfire and will most likely kill us all within the next two to three weeks.

Of course the German medical research community, like the German medical community itself, is in a complete shambles and wild speculation like this should always be taken with a grain of polonium, I mean, salt. But I’d stay locked up in your homes for the next few months if I were you anyway.

And many of you will, of course. Word is out that numerous Germans are actually breathing a sigh of relief to hear about the new potential pandemic, having sorely missed all the hysterical fun and excitement caused by last season’s scare.

Come visit me at Observing Hermann…

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