Welcome to the First Virtual Church of Our Lord and Savior, Steve Jobs. As you enter the sanctuary, please do not make eye contact with anyone. Keep your eyes focused on the screen of the mobile device of your choice. We are relevant and practice diversity here, which is easy since no one will even notice what race or gender you are.
Text your greetings to the worldwide web, but do not touch or speak to anyone as you zombie your way through our maze of anonymous people, which you have now joined. Worship has never been easier! Prepare for an unparalleled worship experience that takes you to the next level as we increase the bottom line of Google, Yahoo!, Bing, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. If you have not already deleted your previous church, please do so now.
It’s EASY to log on to the First Virtual Church of Steve Jobs. Simply click on the “Create Your Account” button, which is hidden somewhere on the first five pages of our website. If you need help, go to our help page which is also hidden, and someone will answer your email within 48 hours.
To reach us you will need a username and password. For your password, select exactly 14 characters from English, Chinese, Farsi, AND Russian. Include numerals and three punctuation marks. Act quickly, as your optimal browsing experience is enhanced by a “Your session time has expired” feature which will increase your security. This will do nothing to keep strangers out of your account, since no one knows or cares about you. But since you are probably chemically altered to help you cope with isolation and estrangement from other humans, and you have a secondary addiction to virtual devices which numb the mind better than heroin, the passwords will keep you out of your own account. This will prevent you from doing something stupid while you are spaced out.
Logged in now? Great! You’re ready to worship with us. If you feel like praying, select a prayer from your favorite search engine. This had better be Firefox or Google, or your session will expire. If you feel like praise, please text a message to Steve Jobs, Jesus Christ, Buddha, Richard Dawkins, or the God or non-god of your understanding. If you feel like contemporary Christian worship, there are many bands to select from on YouTube. (Please use your Google password to log on.) If after listening to your favorite music you are still feeling a lack of peace and wish to vent your anger, please go the Comments section and engage in a pointless exchange of obscene insults.
At the current time, all our clergy are at a five day conference on building more diversity and relevance in their churches. The Religion of Hapless Psychology, the Church of Exorbitant Medical Care, and the Bureaucracy of Archaic Government Assistance are busyÂ chasing each other in chaotic circles. To enhance your browsing experiences, which are now the only experiences you will be having, the Totalitarian Cult of the Corporate Mindset is meeting at a secure undisclosed location to plan new strategies to control all of the above entities in ways that will improve YOUR life. No one likes it, including the perpetrators, but even they are powerless to do anything about it. Don’t think about this. Keep your eyes and thumbs on your texting mobile device. Fill you mind with movies, noise, games. This is now a part your worship experience.
If you need personal help for a spiritual crisis, a trauma, grief, loneliness, job loss, divorce, or healing, we can offer you our online forums of more anonymous people. You will need another password. Or you may call our customer service center, which will direct you to an FAQ page, an email contact page, or eventually a phone number which will give you a variety of decision options finally leading to an unattended voice mailbox. God loves you, and so do we.
Thank you for visiting the First Virtual Church of Our Lord and Savior Steve Jobs. We hope you have enjoyed this pleasant escape from your life or any non-virtual experience. Remember not to touch or look at anyone on your way out the door.
My new blog will take a fresh and often controversial look at a number of mental health, religious, and relationship issues. You can check it out at MarkMercer.blogspot.com. You will find a version of many of my posts here first on BloggerNews.