Noble Americans . . .

Thus began another conniving and twisted letter from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran’s beady-eyed little president who can barely sleep at night over all the injustices in the world, but whose country is recognized by all as the leading state sponsor of terrorism in the world.

But wait a minute. I almost forgot the elaborate preamble to his cheery opening salutation to all the “Noble Americans.” It went like this:

Message of H.E. Dr. Mahmoud AhmadinejadPresident of the Islamic Republic of Iran

To the American People

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the MercifulO, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers.Noble Americans . . .

Noble Americans . . .You kinda get the impression the guy thinks rather highly of himself, don’t you? H.E. (His Excellency)? What’s so excellent about this Jew-hating theocratic authoritarian? And Dr. Ahmadinejad? What is he doctor of, Islamo-voodoo? The main focus of his life (besides wiping the Zionist regime of Israel off the map) is waiting for what he believes to be the imminent apocalyptic occurrences taught by his particular brand of Islam. It’s all about the return of the twelfth Imam, Muhammad ibn Hasan — who is purported to be the righteous descendant of the Prophet Muhammad — which will be preceded by cosmic chaos, war and pestilence.

So what could this fatalistic, Farsi-speaking fanatic possibly have to say that would be of any interest to the world’s most productive, innovative and optimistic people? We’ll get to that in a moment.

First, months ago, as you may recall, Ahmadinejad wrote a rambling, mostly incoherent 18-page letter directly to President Bush in which he vilified everything America stands for, denied the Holocaust, trashed the concept of liberal democracy and basically said that Iran is the only country that has the correct plan for how the world ought to operate. The president saw it for what it was — an insane piece of drivel written by a madman obsessed with apocalyptic Islamic claptrap — and promptly filed it under junk mail not worthy of a response.

But this Ahmadinejad is one smooth operator and he recognizes an opportunity when he sees one. That opportunity would be the recent midterm elections during which Democrats gained a majority in both the House and Senate. It must have seemed pretty clear to him that the will of a majority of the noble American people was to get out of Iraq or why else would they have voted in the Defeatocrats? So the time was right to scribble out a new missive, a love letter from the sand, if you will, directly to those noble Americans for whom he feigns so much respect (despite their having put in power a bible-thumping infidel cowboy president).

The gambit was to try and sweet talk Americans into seeing things his way by complimenting them, honoring them and pointing out that, hey, we’re all just regular, decent folks and we all value basically the same ideals in this world such as “compassion, empathy, respect for the rights of human beings, securing justice and equity, and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies.”

Unfortunately, after a few opening paragraphs of such fecklessly transparent buttering up of the noble American people, he let loose with the same bombast that was in his previous letter to President Bush: The war in Iraq was based on lies; hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed; America is guilty of blind support for the murderous Zionist regime; the horrors of Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib; America maintains secret prisons around the world where terrible things are being done to “presumed opponents;” civil liberties are being trampled even within the confines of the United States where “private phones are tapped, suspects are arbitrarily arrested, sometimes beaten in the streets, or even shot to death;” etc., etc., ad nauseam.

Of course, it’s not like Americans don’t hear this litany of supposed crimes every day. With the exception of the Islamic gobbledygook, most of what was contained in his letter could have been culled from the editorial pages of almost any big city American newspaper. Between that fact and the election results, it’s no wonder that Mahmoud got inspired to sidestep the president and scribble out his manipulative missive directly to those noble American people he so admires.

Well, nuts to him. Just because most Americans want some kind of foreseeable end to the fighting in Iraq doesn’t mean that most Americans are in favor of a cut-and-run scenario. Only the al-Qaida doormats of the far left want that. Ahmadinejad’s smarmy letter to “noble Americans” is proof positive that the nature of his understanding of most Americans is colossally superficial.

And he needs to cut the “noble Americans” crap already. He doesn’t respect us, he wants us all dead. At the “World Without Zionism” conference in Iran in 2005, Ahmadgenocide — er, I mean, Ahmadinejad — revealed that not only would he like to see Israel wiped off the map, but getting rid of America would be pretty groovy as well: “They [ask]: ‘Is it possible for us to witness a world without America and Zionism?’ But you had best know that this slogan and this goal are attainable, and surely can be achieved.”

You’re busted, dude! So much for all that blather about justice, compassion, dignity, freedom and “our common human spirit.” When you go spouting off in public about your fanciful reveries of a world in which America no longer exists, you can take your patronizing letter to us “noble Americans” and . . . Well, use your imagination.

There’s a lot of loose talk flying around these days about the need to talk to or even negotiate with Iran over Iraq, nukes and other matters. Everybody’s positively on tenterhooks waiting for some such advice to come out of that blue ribbon commission, the Fabulous Baker Boys — er, I mean, the Iraq Study Group — headed by former secretary of state, James Baker.

But what is there to talk about with Ahmadinejad and the other inflexible crazies running Iran? They want America and Israel done, ended, finis, wiped from the map, gone from the planet, which would make it easier for them to achieve hegemony in the region, which is all just killing time anyway until the return of the twelfth Imam, after which the world will finally be united in Islamic splendor till the end of time, or some such scenario. So where do our goals intersect with theirs such that talking to them is worth the time of day?

Dear H.E. Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of the Islamic Republic of Iran: Stick it in your ear!

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