PLEASE NOTE THIS IS SATIRE â€“ IF NOT SURE WHAT SATIRE MEANS â€“ DON’T READ ANY MORE!
In a rare moment of downtime, no cell signal, Jose Baez, the well known attorney representing Casey Anthony agreed to spill the beans on the case. Casey as we all know is facing a murder charge, for the death of her two year old daughter Caylee Anthony. The trial is set to start in May, are the defense team ready?
BNN: Thanks for taking some time out to talk to me today.
JB: Simon it is my pleasure, besides, who can turn down a cup of hot coffee and an Egg McMuffin on someone else’s tab. That damn judge goes through my expense report with a fine tooth comb, he won’t even approve my dry cleaning bills. It has got so bad that I am going to check out the local RAC (Rent A Center) and maybe try using a Washing Machine. But even that solution comes with problems, apparently they expect you do give them money. Not just once, but over and over again.
BNN: I can share your frustration, but one case does not a career make. What are your plans when the tax payer is no longer footing the bill?
JB: Thats a great question, and certainly one that I have spent a great deal of time thinking about. Over the years I have explored many advertising ideas. I was firmly convinced that handing out free books of matches in the local bars would work. Unfortunately the only people that responded to my customized message on the cover were drunks complaining that the damn things didn’t light. I don’t even want to talk about the guy that put a match book in his underwear and his five year old daughter was bouncing up and down on his lap. I saw the hospital pictures, it was brutal. They made my eyes water!
BNN: Oh, I can see that you have to be careful about advertising. I have however heard that Word Of Mouth works well.
JB: Been there, done that! I slipped Casey a couple of Snickers Bars to spread the word. Maybe the problem was in the message. In retrospect scrawling ‘For a good time call Jose Baez’ on the toilet wall was a waste of two good Snickers Bars. The only calls I got were ‘collect’ and now Judge Perry is scrutinizing my phone bills. I have to admit that the calls were fun, I didn’t realize the potential of two packs of jello and some cool whip!
BNN: Jose, this is all in the past. What does the future hold?
JB: Simon, this is just between you and I? Right?
BNN: Of course.
JB: Well, as you know I am a minority. Right now minorities rule. I am going to follow in Oprah’s footsteps and open my own damn cable channel. All of this is pretty hush hush, and if word leaks out to Judge Perry he will throw the book at me. Even worse he will hassle me over my Dry Cleaning bills. But I trust you, so here it is.
My background is obviously the law. So it will be a legal oriented channel. The internet and the whole social media aspect will be part of this. It took many long hours to come up with a channel name, all the really good ones were taken All Baez Channel, National Baez Channel, Complete Baez Station, all gone! We even flirted with moving operations north of the border, but the damn canuks had already grabbed Canadian Baez Channel. We didn’t spend but 5 minutes (billable) on the idea of anchoring the site in England, the Bozo Baez Channel was taken!
We reached deep, and we have settled on BUTT. In retrospect BUTT carries more weight that ABC, NBC, CBS, etc.
BUTT is going to be a heavyweight force. The full name is Baez Uber Totus Tergiversatio. It’s Latin. I am not sure what the exact translation is, but it has a nice ring to it. (Editors note â€“ my high school Latin is a little rusty, but I think it roughly translates to Baez [has] an abundance of total backwardness).
BUTT is going to be more than just a TV channel, we are going to leverage the power of the internet and in particular the world of Social Media. I am not at liberty to share all of the details yet, but I can talk about the project in broad terms. BUTT will be customizable, the My BUTT feature will allow you create your own BUTT. If you are at home you may want a huge BUTT, one that fills the 52 inch HDTV, if you are BUTTing in from a smart phone you will want a smaller BUTT. BUTT can fit on any screen. BUTT changes as you do.
The really exciting part is BUTT social. You will be able to share your BUTT with your friends.Â They will be able to write on your BUTT, who wouldn’t be excited to wake up and find messages written on their BUTT?
We are also exploring community BUTTs, a way that whole towns or maybe cities can collaborate. Just imagine the look of joy on your face when you are in the local supermarket, bending over selecting a can of Baked Beans and someone says â€œI know you, I have seen your BUTTâ€.
In a bit of a ripoff from Facebook, you will also be able to Pat BUTTS, Like BUTTS, and Slap BUTTS. BUTTS is the next big thing!
BNN: Jose it seems like you have a great idea, but is it realistic? But lets get back on topic, where does the Casey Anthony defense team stand?
JB: Simon I will level with you. Life is not going so great at the moment. I have figured out that women are all about your money. Andrea Lyons and Linda Baden, I thought they were in for the long haul, but I was wrong. As soon as my corporate credit card was gone, so were they. I had high hopes for Dr. Henry Lee, alas a lack of high quality Chinese Takeaways in the area seems to have chased him off. We are not down, we are regrouping. With Chaney Mason on the team we are loaded for bear. Right now we are looking through the list of people that have already given depositions, Cheney pointed out that there were some that he was not rude to, we will be asking Judge Perry for a second shot at them.
BNN: A subject that has been talked about, and indeed ruled on, is the motion to move the trial, a home crowd might not be a good crowd.
JB: Oh I was pissed over that whole deal. Instead of putting me and my team up in a five star hotel, its the damn jury that gets the VIP treatment. Even worse, I had spent hours on the internet and found the perfect Inuit village to hold the trial in. It was remote, the Eskimos knew nothing about the case, no TV, no newspapers, and… a couple of pounds of whale blubber goes a long way to secure justice.
BNN: When Casey was out on bail she seemed to spend a great deal of time at your office,
JB: Obviously I cannot go into details, that is covered by the client attorney privileges. But just between you and I, those Tempurpedic bed ads are spot on!
BNN: Alas our time is up, I do want to thank you for spending a few minutes with us.