I am a big fan of cooking. Of course like most guys I view the success of a meal not only by taste and presentation but how much damage I can inflict on the kitchen. Success is measured by the amount of dirty dishes randomly scattered on the counters, (well the double sink fills up too quickly!).

I am a fan of knives, a good sharp knife or five, is a must have. Knives are inherently dangerous, it is simple to go from carving roast beef to slicing off a hunk of hand stew. Equally dangerous is a little stick blender that I have, it looks like a grown up version of a nose hair trimmer. I have long since lost the instruction sheet but I am pretty certain that using it for trimming nose hairs is discouraged. In fact I suspect you would need a full nose replacement if you tried it.

I had thought that I had found the wickedest kitchen implements, but I was wrong. My wife Jan found the ultimate addition to my collection of lethal weapons that do not require a license to own or operate, anyone can buy one!  Many years ago I got wind of the ultimate kitchen maiming device. The Mandoline. A couple of years ago I acquired one, but it was just a cheap plastic thing that lost my interest when I had problems slicing a cucumber.

Jan however has rekindled my interest in lethal devices in the kitchen, I am now the proud owner of a professional grade Mandoline. This beast would chop your pinky finger off as soon as say hello!

Even the Instruction Leaflet is enough to make you run away. Most of it is a list of things not to do. Do not use without the ‘pusher’. Do not operate if under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If cleaning the blade wearing really, really thick gloves are recommended. It also suggests that the device should not be left unattended. They talk about children, but I suspect that warning likely should include adults as well.

It is not written on the list, but I think it likely would be dangerous to operate it naked. It is a solid piece of stainless steel, but if for some reason it fell off the counter while naked, well, OUCH is all I have to say!

Simon Barrett – The guy who counts his digits after playing the Mandoline

Be Sociable, Share!