- I am one of those -
 - that person you are afraid of. That person with whom children were placed, not because I could handle them, not because I even knew them … Â
   In fact, my abilities, emotional stability, and character were never a factor at all. My husband was their grandfather. That’s all that mattered. No one from the tribe or the court ever talked to me about whether I could handle four more kids on top of my own five. No Guardian Ad Litem called to chat. No one seemed to care whether I could do this or not.Â
The Tribe did finally send a couple women over to do a “home study,†but that was a good year or more after they had already placed the kids with us. That was the first, and last, time anyone checked on our home. Â
And they didn’t even check the bedrooms. If they had, they would have discovered that not all the kids had their own beds. In fact, not all the kids even had bedrooms. We used two of our shops storage rooms for some of the kids.  Â
No, the two tribal “social workers†who flew in from another state and who we were told would spend two days with us, chatted with my husband for about an hour, then asked how to get to a local attraction. They were anxious to get started with their paid vacation. We were happy to give them directions and be finished with the faux “home study.â€Â   Â
That was it. Never saw them again.Â
So…our family knows first hand what it takes to be one of our tribe’s “acceptable†Indian homes.        Â
How did it turn out? I’d like to say that we became the Brady Bunch. But it’s not that simple.   Â
In some ways, at various points of time, we did great. There was love, laughs, and kindness, along with the stress, sibling rivalry, and melt downs. The four kids, all under 7 when they arrived, started calling us Mom and Dad, just as our first five did, and all the kids, most of whom were the same age, began referring to each other as brothers & sisters.Â
But our lives were far from story book (Or even TV series). The reality of the effects of alcohol exposure, crack exposure, and neglect on the four wove through all of our lives. It’s one thing if a family is trying to help one child get through this kind of storm. It’s quite another when one is trying to help four without training, support, or resources – while trying to raise your own five young children at the same time.Â
Yup. The tribe mandated the ICWA thing, and then left us hanging.Â
Why did I do it? Why didn’t I just say “No?†Again, because of ICWA. I had seen the conditions in which my husband’s nephews, nieces and other grandchildren were being made to live. I knew that even though I was on the edge of losing my mind, our home was still better and safer than any other that the tribe might choose. I couldn’t turn these four away to that kind of life. Believe it or not—as much as I felt like a basket case on my better days and the wicked witch on my worst, our home was truly the best these children would get in an ICWA placement.  Â
And we had Jesus Christ to lean on, and a wonderful, loving, large church family. Without these, I truly might have lost my mind. Â
Three years after my husband was given custody, he was diagnosed with cancer. Four years later, he passed away. Through all those hard years, church brothers & sisters practically carried us. Â
After he passed, though, is when real troubles began. It was as if a dam of emotions, pent up and waiting, suddenly exploded. Some of it was the grief of birth children, some the impulse of teen-agers. The hardest though, was the eruption of FAE angst and the familial predilection to alcoholism as children entered adolescence one by one.  Â
Today the storm is over. Only four of the nine are still minors. At this point in our story, despite years of trying to teach the children the dangers of drugs, all is not well.
Just last week, I gave custody of one of the grandchildren to the county in order that he be able to get the mental health help that he needs, as well as for the protection of the other children still in the home. I did this because the two grandchildren that had thus far reached adulthood have returned to the birth family—as well as the destructive family lifestyle. I now needed to change how I was doing things in order to prevent the same outcome with this child.
I just wish I had fully realized years ago how necessary trained help was, so that the other two might have benefitted as well. (By the way, through correct interpretation of the law, as we explained it to the judge, this particular custody transfer was deemed non-ICWA.)  Â
Long story short—Contrary to the belief of Congress and one-sided, tribal government testimony, the “best interest of the child†does NOT require a relative placement or even an Indian placement.    Â
As much as many tribal leaders want society to believe that all children of heritage are “theirs†and have a “connection†to tribal culture that will crush them if broken, it’s just not true. To some people such things matter, to others, it doesn’t.Â
My birth children and grandchildren, for example, would be crushed if forced to live on the reservation. My Children may be 50% Indian, but they have been raised in much safer, loving communities than the reservation community in which they are enrolled. Living on the reservation would have destroyed them.  Â
Further, most children aren’t “just†Indian. Ours are also Irish, Scottish, German and even Jewish. All their heritages are equally important. Most children of tribal heritage have other, equally important heritages, and they are all US citizens who should be constitutionally given Equal Protection. Meaning – contrary to common practice today, enrolled children should not be left in conditions that children of any other heritage would be removed from.  They are not mere chattel—a means for additional funding— for tribal governments.Â
  Many children, after suffering abuse and neglect, need real help, and several tribal governments are negligent in that they place them into situations where they can not get it.Â
  Time and again I have seen children placed by their tribe into violent, verbally, physically, and even sexually abusive, drug infested homes. I have seen little or no attention given to the emotional and mental health issues these children have had. That isn’t to say that no tribal governments care—it’s just to say that I, having lived in this particular extended family for 30 some years, haven’t seen it. Â
ICWA, in all our family experience, is a crime against children.Â
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11 users commented in " To Those who Love an Indian Child hurt by ICWA - "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackAs a mother of two adopted sons, I sympathize.
But a child is better off with a relative than with a stranger. Many Native American children are raised by grandmothers or aunts, often without “formal” placement. The families often lack the upper class standards of white homes where they could be placed. But they keep contact with the tribe and their extended family, and this is important, especially if they are older. My own children kept in touch with their birth families.
A “white” home might adopt them to “prove” they “love” Indians (or blacks). But children are raised differently, and often they live in communities where there is a subtle anti Native America prejudice (want to sit in a restaurant and not get served? Go to South Dakota with a Chippewa friend).
As for acting out and behavior problems in adopting kids who have been abused: Been there done that.
Adoptive Families of America has some resources for those who are in similar circumstances.
LINK
For certain you are entitled to your opinion which seems very strong with argument from all that you have shared.
I strongly disagree with you however. I believe that the ICWA is very necessary. What is even more necessary is for tribal Govt’s to be more aware and supportive of families such as yours. Funding where necessary for these families in emergency situations as well as more funding for drug treatment programs and sexual abuse awareness.
My families story is much different and it is the flip side that proves why ICWA is necessary.
My GrandMother was taken off by a man much older than her during the hard times. The man promised to take care of her and feed her as my Great GrandParents were struggling to survive. This man Fathered three Children my Uncles and my Mother. This man then left to be with other womens and my GrandMother was still but a Child herself under the age of 16 years of age. My GrandMother and her Children were starving to death so a couple came and took my Mother away to live with them without my GrandMother’s permission.
The couple went to the courts and attempted to legally adopt my Mother but my GrandMother refused.
My GrandMother, being a Child, could not raise her Children by herself so her argument to have her Children with her was nil.
This couple tried everything they could do to deminish anything to do with being Indian in my Mother’s life even going so far as to physically punish my Mother if she told anyone.
My GrandMother moved to California a few years later to live closer to my Mother once she found out where she had been taken to.
My GrandMother would sneak to see my Mother and then when my Mother was 18 years of age they became very close but my Mother did not know much of anything to do with our family, tribe or heritage. She could not speak a word of our native tounge.
Believe it or not it was the hateful attitude of others who were raised up knowing that prompted her to learn more and more about our people. It should never have had to be that way. Never.
My Paternal Great GrandMother was adopted from a sanitarium by a Choctaw man and his wife. My Great GrandMother is a very spiritual woman. She has passed now but her knowledge passed down is like the air that we breathe.
If that air were cut off then who would we be?
The language is necessary. The history of our indian ancestors is important and vital to who we are.
If all that were cut off from our Children then what will become of us in general?
WHen my Sister pass away the twins were placed in a non native foster care. They were treated harshly. These people sponged the funds they received for themselves and scraps went to my nieces. Maybe that is how foster care works for many others of all races who knows?
Then they were placed in another non native home and the woman then “hooked” my nieces up with her friends sons who were much older than they were. The woman then legally adopted the girls and as quickly as the adoption was approved she signed for both girls to marry young, she took money that was given to her by the state and she skipped on to another state.
No I do not agree with you.
Tribal communities need better awareness for situations like yours so that positive and functional programs can come about to aid the families. We all need to take better care of our own.
Period.
Take care and be well.
Tuff Stuff – I understand why you feel that way. But no, my husband decided he wanted nothing more to do with the tribal government and took the kids away from the reservation.
It became his desire that all his children and grandchildren leave the reservation life because of all the crime and abuse that is there.
We didn’t trust the tribal government. The behavior of the social workers was just one bit of evidence, but we were aware of much more, that the tribal government is more concerned about obtaining federal money per head than they were about the people themselves.
So our wish was not that the tribe involve themselves with us as much as it was that the tribe allow others – trained and healthy family’s – to take custody.
Your family may have wanted a connection to the tribe – but that isn’t true of everyone of Indian heritage. According to the 2000 census, there are more tribal members living off the reservation than on it – and many, many are like my husband. They left because they didn’t want the tribal government in their lives.
Although my husband taught my children some things – such as hunting, fishing, and other aspects – and although he spoke ojibwe as his first language, he chose not to teach our children the language. That was his choice as an US citizen – to move away.
That is why ICWA is so wrong. It doesn’t take into account the free choice of tribal members to raise their family away from Indian Country.
No, tribal government and federal Indian policy need to back away and let people be free to make their own choices, just as everyone else in the United States is able to.
He wanted his grandchildren to have the chance for a good home – and that wouldn’t have happened if they were placed with any other relatives.
Lisa I read that your Husband is Ojibwe. One of my favorite singers is Wayquay. She is a good friend/Sister to me.
Her song “GrandFather” is a prayer in song for all the people and she sings it from the heart.
At the end of the song you can hear an Eagles cry too. Very beautiful.
As I said your opinion seems very strong and I respect that. At the same time I continue to disagree. There has to be a better way and I stand strong on this.
Take care and know that your families story has touched my heart.
Thank you very much, Tuff Stuff. I appreciate that.
Nancy -
I appreciate your comment. Yes, kids are frequently given to grandparents. But that’s the problem. Remember – my husband was their grandfather.
Don’t forget that my husband was 100% Native American and all nine of my childen were enrolled. I also lived on two reservations, and my husband’s extended family runs in the hundreds. We already know the real ins and outs. We are living it.
No – children are NOT better off with a relative if their relatives are addicted to drugs and alcohol, ar violent, or sexually abusive. No, no no, they are not better off. Most people would never dream of leaving their own children in such a home overnight, let alone for years. Yet, so many seem to think it’s ok to leave Indian children in these conditions. Are Indian children not valued? Don’t they deserve the same protection that other children receive?
First, to assume that all white homes only adopt a child of another heritage in order to prove something – is just wrong. I am sorry to say, but it is a prejudicial view.
Second, to assume that children of tribal heritage are somehow different than other children is also very, very wrong. My children are no different than anyone else’s. They want the same things, feel the same things, and do the same things as any child of any heritage. One lawyer for a tribe once said in court that it’s ok for Indian children to live in substandard conditions because “they don’t mind sleeping on the floor.” Excuse me? I haven’t met a child yet that doesn’t perfer a bed. Who is the racist here? The attorney for the tribe!
What you’re saying sounds nice, and I realize it is what people have been taught – but in fact, it’s a reverse prejudice. It is wrong to assume that my children think, feel, want and need the same as every other child of heritage. Do not look at them as “Indian” – see them as individuals.
To say that children raised in white neighborhoods are going to positively be treated prejudicially is also very wrong and prejudicial to non-native communities. Don’t forget, we moved away from my husband’s Indian community. We have lived in three states and a province, and we haven’t had any real trouble in any of the “white” communities we’ve lived in.
Do you see Nancy? You are speaking aobut communities being prejudice – but the real prejudice – the one we run into most often – isn’t in the form you are thinking of. The most harmful prejudice comes from ‘bleeding hearts,’ mostly on the left, that patronize our children. It is in the form of those that continue to view and treat all people of tribal heritage as if they are perpetual victims – naive, inept, unable to attend to their own needs. That, in fact, is the prejudice that is the real threat to my children.
I realize that the other prejudice exists, but we’ve only rarely run into it. To assume that any child living outside of a tribal community will suffer is absolutely wrong.
Here is the thing – YES, many people raised on the reservation feel attached to the community.
But that’s a normal human emotion that most people feel about the community they were raised in. For my children – the place most of them feel is home is the community we lived with in Canada. Not the reservation. In fact, not one of the nine has any desire to even visit the reservation. They have seen it. They visited on occasion with their father, and they were there for his funeral. They don’t like it.
Further, in reference to your comment – I have gone to restaurants with my husband in South Dakota. I know that SD has had problems on occassion, but we never have. I don’t believe SD is any different from any of the other states. Even there, the greater threat is from bleeding hearts.
I believe everything my husband stood for and believed. I have seen with my own eyes what everything is really like. So “politically correct” assumptions don’t move us.
My husband was born in 1945. He didn’t speak English until he was 5 years old. He remembered his early years very fondly. He talked about all the things they used to do – trapping, fishing, ricing, etc.
But he knew what he was doing when he left. The reservation was no longer the same as it was when he was growing up. It’s extremely dangerous and debilitating, and he didn’t think any child should be raised there.
Thank you for your comment – I hope I was able to teach you something different.
I just received this information today. This is a great program that is run in California.
Indian Foster Youth Advocacy Academy
From: SNAHC Native News
Up to 20 Indian foster youth and former foster youth, will be competitively selected from across California for a FREE week of training in advocacy, cross-cultural communication, negotiation, and other vital skills.
Indian Foster Youth
Do you think change is needed for American Indians in Foster Care?
Are you looking for marketable skills for your resume?
Are you ready to learn the skills needed to be a leader in your Tribe and/or community?
Are you between the ages of 16 & 24?
We Are Looking For You!
You are our focus for the Indian Foster Youth Academy this July 12-17, 2010. Up to 20 Indian foster youth, and former foster youth, will be competitively selected from across California for a FREE week of training in advocacy, cross-cultural communication, negotiation, and other vital skills. You will arrive as an Indian foster youth, but return to your community as an empowered young Tribal leader! Social change begins with You.
Be The Change You Wish To See In The World & Apply Today
3 Day Leadership Training: Cross-Cultural Communication, Presentation & Advocacy
1 Day Indian Foster Youth Policy Development Training
Each participant will travel to two locations (State, County, Tribal) to advocate for their policy agenda between July 19 and August 31, 2010.
ELIGIBILITY REQUIREMENTS
1. American Indian – enrolled, eligible for enrollment, affiliated with unrecognized tribe, descendant
2. You reside in California on or before June 30, 2010.
3. Foster or former foster youth. Definition: You are or have been the subject of a state child custody proceeding including foster care, adoption, voluntary or involuntary termination of parental rights, or other situation where you could not be returned to your parents upon their demand. This includes proceedings in juvenile delinquency court and juvenile probation. Priority for admission in the Youth Academy will be given to those applicants who are or were in California systems.
4. Between the ages of 16 and 24, on or prior to July 12, 2010. Proof of age required.
5. Available to travel by appropriate and timely transportation on July 11, 2010 to Sacramento and available for return on July 18, 2010.
6. Available and able to participate in all trainings for five days.
7. Available and able to travel by appropriate and timely transportation between July 19, 2010 and August 31, 2010 to at least two sites in California to make presentations of your design to relevant policy-makers.
Applicants under the age of 18 on July 12, 2010 are required to submit parental/guardian consent, and all travel arrangements will be made through the parent/guardian/Indian custodian or other legally responsible care-giver.
PLEASE NOTE: Applicants under age 18 on July 12, 2010 and currently in foster care or probation must receive permission to travel and participate in trainings from their social worker/probation officer PRIOR to applying for the Youth Academy. Social Workers and Probation officers are required to contact the Academy Director, Heather Zenone, (heather @ idrsinc.org (take out spaces) 1(916) 482-5800) prior to application. All travel arrangements will be made through legally responsible care-givers with the input of social workers/probation officers.
APPLICATION DEADLINE
Applications will be reviewed as they are received. Applicants are encouraged to apply early as admission decisions will be made on a rolling basis until all slots are filled. The final day to submit an application is June 30, 2010.
(*denotes required field)
Name:*
E-Mail Address:*
Date of Birth*
Applicant’s address*
Applicant’s cell phone number*
Applicant’s work phone number*
Applicant’s home phone number*
Gender:*
Male Female
Tribal Affiliation, Enrollment or Descendancy*
Name of Legal Care Giver (if under 18)*
Phone number of Legal Care Giver (if under 18)*
Email of Legal Care Giver (if under 18)*
Name of Social Worker or Probation Office (if under 18 and in still in care)*
Phone number of Social Worker or Probation Office (if under 18 and in still in care)*
Email of Social Worker or Probation Office (if under 18 and in still in care)*
Mother’s Education (if known):*
Did not graduate high school high school graduate some college four-year college degree master’s degree professional degree doctoral degree unknown
Father’s Education (if known):*
Did not graduate high school high school graduate some college four-year college degree master’s degree professional degree doctoral degree unknown
Applicant’s Education:*
high school some college AS or AA degree bachelor’s degree other
Which programs (area of study) do you plan on studying?*
Intended level of education:*
AS or AA Bacholer’s Master’s Ph.D. M.D. J.D.
High School GPA*
College GPA (if applicable)*
Breifly state your career goals*
How did you hear about the Youth Academy?*
Please list at least one reference. Name and phone number required.*
Are you familiar with or interested in learning more about the Indian Child Welfare Act?:*
yes no
If yes, explain briefly:*
Briefly list your extracurricular and community activites. Please select one activity, indicate your role and what you learned from it.*
PERSONAL STATEMENT Please state your purpose in applying to the Youth Academy. We will use this information to evaluate your qualifications for the program, to ensure a diverse and active Academy cohort, and to make access to this opportunity as fair as possible. Among the things you write about, you are encouraged to include: 1) Personal background, experiences, and characteristics that will enable you to complete a rigorous program. 2) Access or lack thereof to other preparation opportunities. 3) Your achievements and social, economic, educational, or other obstacles you face or have overcome.*
For more information and flyer, click on link below:
IDRS, Inc.
1325 Howe Ave, Suite 201,
Sacramento, CA 95825
1(916) 482-5800 main
1(916) 482-5808 fax
http://www.idrsinc.org
Thanks Tuff stuff – I’ve passed it on to some ICWA families in California.
…Bear in mind, these are families that don’t like ICWA, and foster / Adoptive children that don’t like ICWA and will speak out against it, telling their story as to how it has hurt. I don’t know if the org will accept them, but the kids might try to apply and see what happens…
Lisa I believe that they would be most welcome as the program was put together in an effort to create a more positive and productive foster care enviroment for these Children.
The grievances can not be addressed if they are not known right?
Have a great day.
Thanks Tuff Stuff – I appreciate your open heart. We’ve been butting heads to be heard for such a long time. Many don’t want to talk about what’s been wrong. So I really appreciate you kindness.
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