Keep notes documenting every cruddy thing she does. You might have grounds for legal action one day. I did and my monster could get in a lot of trouble.

But mainly, get away and make a good life. Good luck!

I adored my father and he loved me. But sadly, people like her exist. My heart goes out to any child caught in the path of a monster like that.

With advancing memory decline, my father believes her lies and protects her. He blames me for her infantile tantrums that erupt if I dare challenge one of her lies about me. He made his choice to tear up his father card a long time ago though. She’s managed to chase off every member of our family. Now I’m done with it except for some family legal matters I must stay involved in.

Learn from my hard-earned experience (no particular order):
1) Get what you can and go build your life how you want it.
2) Decide that any energy you put into this is a waste. Don’t even talk about it as it will taint other aspects of your life. Find one safe place you can vent if need be. Try not to hate them because you and your family need that time and energy.
2) Live smart. Keep your life simple and treat people right. Strive to be positive. Find people you like to be around and cultivate those relationships. Be a good roommate, learn how to cook good food and clean (boys and girls). Be a giver not a taker. Stay out of debt.
3) Develop lots of interests and a career; Keep your grades up and stay away from drugs and alcohol. Get good at something.

The pieces will fall into place. You will probably outlive them. Who knows? They may need something from you someday.

PS – I loved the suggestion that the good steppies teach the bad steppies and let us abused people heal in peace. Your defensive comments don’t ease our struggle and simply marginalize our situation. Really don’t expect these victims to be a cheering section.

Have a great evening,

Jan Barrett

BNN Editor

I left as soon as I got my first job at 16, stayed with friends until I could sign a rental contract at 18.

I finally got the courage to speak out about the abuse after the birth of my daughter, needless to say she denied it.

It doesnt matter, she knows the truth as do I. I dont have a relationship with my dad, for years I blamed her but actually he has to take a fair share of the blame, he should have known something wasnt right. She was careful beat me up when she knew he wouldnt be home for a week or so (long distance lorry driver) so he didnt see many bruises. He saw the mental torture though and couldnt stand up for his 5 year old daughter. Il never understand this, as I would and have given up everything to keep my child first, they are number 1 in my life. It doesnt matter if I end up alone, what matters is my child is safe, happy and loved.

My relationship failed (amicably) Ive stayed alone ever since its been 7 years now, and I always will because Im terrified of the same happpening to my little one and me being blind to it or too weak to stop it.

My life isnt oh poor me, very few people know anything about my past, its something I choose to leave in the past.

I wont deny I do get upset once in a blue moon, in private the tears can flow one random evening, the next day I wake up feeling normal.

I have a roof over my head, a job, a beautiful happy child, good friends, and most importantly Im free ♥

And Dr. Ben… Someone should revoke your license. I tend to think you’re really not a doctor but some precocious preteen seething in his stepmothers house.

To those of you who are truly in an abusive situation with a truly bad stepmother (mental abuse, physical abuse etc) document it and go to the authorities.

You tried to break me
But I bend
You tried to harm me
But I mend
You tried to shake me
But I stand tall
And I fall
And I fall
And I fall away from it all.
You tell your stories
And the weak believe
Those I thought
Could never be deceived
And I learn to hold on to myself
Oh,I walk through hell
I walk through hell.
And a summer’s sun washes over me
Winter’s breath,sets me free
The heavens watch,over me
As I break free
Oh,I break free.
And I’ll stay true
I’ll stay strong
I’ll stand tough
When all seems gone
I will fight
I’ll persevere
And be all that I’m meant to be
No,you’re not going to ever change me
I’ll keep the light shining in me
Because now I see
Oh,now I see
You-for who you really are
Oh,I’ll never let myself sink so far
I will reach for my own stars
And I will shine
Oh,I will shine-oh,everything in its own time
I will shine.

I wonder how many of these marriages started out as an affair. Chances are the step mom deliberately sought to destroy the 1st marriage to get a man and a home for herself and her own fatherless kids.

Don’t look to the dad for help, because no matter how big and tough they are, the dad’s are pussy whipped and are afraid of failing, afraid of being alone. They are wimps and will not listen to their own kids. They are coo coo for coco puffs.

I would say go with choice #1 and drive the steps out their minds and out of the house. Hell, the kids are going to be punished anyway, might as well make it count for something!

She wanted her son to be equal to me. Which, is alright to me and I agreed to that. But, things went out of hand when she started treating him superior to me and allowed him to do anything he wished. He is a troublemaker, brainless student, and a bulky, who only did things if he was interested into them. She led on! If anyone did something against him or his wishes she would be angry with them, act sad and depressed all the time till she got what she wanted… Which, she always does. She is angry right now as I write. I hate my life right now, she’s ruined my childhood… Sometimes I don’t wanna come home from school, I find it a better place…. My father doesn’t respect me as he used to and I can’t wait to move out.

My Dad asked me to let my step mum stay in our house when he died, I accepted. At the time I was fine with it, I didn’t realise what she was really like. I heard she’d had a hard life and was an orphan and stuff for a long time; so I felt I should do my best to stay out of it and adhere to my father’s wishes.

As time went on she became more paranoid (she smokes weed all of the time), she believed in her head that I was against her and wanted her gone. The fact was that I never gave a shit and was focused on my own wants and needs, and my own fucking life.

She also believed me and my friends were all bullying her cause she’d send my father up to tell us to be quiet and we’d all just say, oh is Maria having trouble sleeping? And try to keep it down a bit.

I know I’ve made tons of mistakes in my life, I’m so far from perfect, but I apologise and recognise and try to learn when I do. She does not. So one night she gets really drunk and starts yelling at me, I tell my father I want nothing to do with it and turn up my music. Meanwhile also deciding to get drunk, knowing that it’d be better to be drunk later when shit starts to escalate.

So just as expected, shit escalates, she’s down there talking shit about me and how I’m not mature enough to be studying psychology at University and asking my Dad for money at the same time. My girlfriend overheard and sort of explained this to me, so I got a little mad. Eventually she comes up stairs and I say why I’ve got my music up, because I don’t want to hear her shit talk me all the fucking time.

Yelling ensues, she then retreats to my father, and I go to my room, I wait there while my girlfriend asks me to leave with her. Next thing I know my dad’s summoning me downstairs for a conversation. I don’t remember exactly what was said, basically the same things that are always said and I flat up ask her if I’m so bad and it’s so bad here why she doesn’t leave or why she can’t buy some fucking ear plugs if she doesn’t like hearing me getting a drink of water at 11 PM. And she has no rational explanation for this. She just shakes her head and dismisses me as the immature little fuck that I am.

So I start to get even angrier, I yelled a lot of mean things and wished her to die of several things, eventually she throws water at me and I break some $2 buddha water fountain thing.

My Dad nearly hits me, and says I can’t do that, but apparently it’s fine to douse a 22 year old with ice cold water just cause you disagree with their entire existence.

Anyway, I’ve given up trying to be nice to her, and have now started purposely fucking with her and saying awful things to her. Hopefully she fucking leaves, I don’t care if she gets all my dad’s worldly possessions for her and her bogan family, I just want to be able to study and self-actualise without her bullshit anywhere near me.

She now has her son threatening to beat me up, first via facebook then this morning he was banging on my door threatening to rip my throat out if I disagree with his mother again.
My dad wont deal with it, he’ll say “bury it!” and it wont be buried, I’ve buried many things before and tried my best to do better with whatever she has a problem with to the point where I tip toe around the house and sit in my room starving till I eventually fall asleep at 2-3am because I’m not allowed to cook after 9PM.

Where is the compromise? Where is the logic? Where is the sanity? Why can’t I live the way I wish, whenever she’s not here I feel so free and that I can be myself. I even have conversations with my dad sometimes, and we never did that ever before in life. He failed as a parent by never being around and my mother was a schizophrenic. And now I have a delusional step-mom with serious entitlement issues preventing me from having a relationship with my father in any aspect.

Thus is life.

My father died over Christmas of this year, and instead of being supportive and kind, my half-sisters have been nothing but manipulative, greedy and completely dishonest with me and my mom (their stepmother.) My mom and I have been nothing but honest and kind to them. But now they are suing my mom because they feel they were unfairly left out of the will, without taking into account all the debt and dwindling estate that my dad left behind. They are being completely selfish and greedy, and I’m sure they think they are just being victimized by their “toxic” stepmom. This article probably just reinforced to my half sister of her inaccurate assessment that she is just an innocent victim of her family and circumstance, while never once taking a look in the mirror to realize that she is much to blame for her misfortunes and bad choices.
They have been more toxic than anything, and it makes me realize what truly disgusting human beings they actually are. We used to have a close relationship, but they have ruined it with their deceit and hurtful actions by picking on my mom and me.
So Ben, why don’t you take into account that your article is just creating more drama and tension within families, and instead of promoting war and hatred, you should tell the stepchildren to grow up and get over themselves!!

To make the long story short, my father, and my stepmother, made our lives a living hell. To give justice to their not-so-glamorous personalities, there was a high staff turn-over because of my stepmother’s lies,my father’s childish tantrums, and my stepmother’s children’s being completely misbehaved.

I tried to be fair as possible, but out of my own self respect, i could not allow my younger siblings to be verbally abusive and I took action to also protect my sister from them. But generally speaking, I took the second option.

The rewards I got from my stepmother was:
a) As many lies as she could tell to get me in trouble.
b)Trying to get as much information about what I was doing so she’d have something to report to my father so he could punish me for it
c)Mean and spiteful tone of voice, and words, and in spite of her venom, if you dared hint any resistence, she’d lie and use it to force punishment on me and my sister.
d)Seeking to find out anything I like, so as to make sure she either ridicules it out of existence, or hides it so I can not find it again, or, if it’s an object, so she can throw it away or use it for herself or her kids.
e)Making sure I got no presents for my school performance, or if I got any presents, she’d find a reason to take them away.
f)After almost 10 years of having excellent grades at school despite the problems they were causing me at home, my father finally got tired of my good grades and came to school to cause me problems(talking to my headteachers about what a bad student I was, getting my school trips cancelled, bad mouthing me to teachers at school) and finally, my grades did plummet at that point because well, you can only take so much nonsense and negativity in your life.

That was over 10 years ago. I made sure my sister and I left. While I have to admit my childhood was a lot of fun, and I made lots of good friends, I don’t really want to meet my stepmother and father ever again. It’s like one long 15 year old bad dream.

I have, however, the misfortune of having a toxic stepmother, exaclty as portrayed, and this article has really been helpful. I have finally undertsood why I spontaneously chose to step away, even though it makes me feel guilty sometimes for not being with my father as much and i should and would have liked to. even though the choice of words may have been a bit harsh, the “dissembling” part pretty much saved my self-esteem and possibly part of my future..

When I was 14, my father married a beautiful women who is fifteen years younger than my Dad, and who has three daughters. My Dad was so excited to have a beautiful wife he could parade around because he was a very successful business man. I was excited to because my real mom had behavioral health issues and abondoned my brother and myself.

She and her three daughters moved into our house. She quit her job, brought in huge debt, refused to sign a prenup, hired a maid, and proceeded to spend my Dad’s money on her and her kids on tons of high end items (rolex’s, furs, etc). She harrassed my Dad constantly about kicking my brother (16) out of the house because he was a “slob”. She would spray lysol on my chair after I stood up – but never in front of my father. She wouldn’t let her daughters use the same bathroom as me after she found out I had a bladder infection – telling everyone I was dirty and she was afraid her daughters would catch a disease from me. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house. I was completely demoralized and decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps and make something of myself.

I went to college and to graduate school. I worked very hard, became a successful business women, married a great guy and now I have three wonderful children.

At every step of the way, my stepmonster tried to cause harm to me and my family any way she could. She would verbally attack me and when I defended myself, she would flip things around, calling me the aggressor and poor her is being victimised. I constantly walked on egg shells because if I did one little thing wrong – BAM! Excuse to make me look bad.

We were never invited to their house and they lived five miles from us. When we called, she checked caller ID and never picked up the phone. She never called us, never sent a card, never asked about us. She could not pick my kids out of line-up because even at family holiday’s she completley ignored us. When we went to their house to help my Dad with chores, she would never come out of her first floor bedroom. Even my ten year old son new she heard us (he calls her my Fake Grandma). All the while, my Dad ignored her treatment, pretended like it’s perfectly normal, condemmed me if I said anyhthing about it.

My father is now close to death and in his weak state, she has manipulated him into giving her a very cherished (and very valuable) asset he has promised me all of my life. He was in the process of giving it to me (told me don’t let her find out) when she found out. She told him that if he did, she would not take care of him when he got sick. I was very sad but realized the difficult position he was in. Then, out of the blue, he called me and told me that if I sold my lake house with proof of sale (and at a significant loss right now), he would give me the asset. HUGH?? It was like her words were comiing out of his mouth. Nothing he said made any sense and he said it with such anger.

I realized that she had taken over his mind. I was so incredibly hurt by how he treated me. He is her puppet now. I have not called him and he has not called me since.

I now realized that he is not an innocent party to the abuse. He married her without thought of how she treated us, turned his head to her cruetly, never stood up to her, and let her use him as her weapon. I have a good idea that I am cut out of the will now – but I realize there is nothing I can do about it. She is in his ear 24/7 telling him what a selfish, self-centered daughter I am and that his money should go to her daughters – who are now alcoholics (2/3)and close to being on welfare because they refuse to work. I am scared he is going to die and this is the way it will end. But I just can’t bring myself to take another verbal beating.

I can completely empathize with all of the other people who wrote about their evil parents – it hurts like he** and I don’t think you ever get over it. It haunts my thoughts constantly. I am hoping the author is right and that someday, this pain will go away.

It’s the fault of the Father,the Parent.

He is responsible for his children until they leave his home or until the age of majority.He is the one who allows his children to be robbed of Mom’s things and family fortune..This article sounds like a Grim’s tale or Disney film.

Why not tell the youngsters to seek help from a guidance counselor,minister or priest,the authorities?No child deserves abuse and encouraging lies,devious behavior..is that really good advice?So,to get ahead in life you must lie,deceive,manipulate?Are you serious,Ben?

How about a good education so you can leave your Fathers home,support yourself and acquire your own fortune or comfortable life?And learn from your parents poor choices?Break the cycle in your own life.Get therapy if needed to achieve these things and heal?Not,learn to become a devious,lying manipulator because your Daddy is a loser and his wife is a greedy hag?

If Your Dad can’t be considerate enough to protect his child, draw a will,hand over Mom’s things on his own accord before the marriage or move in of another woman takes place,etc the fault lies with Dad.Same for any woman allowing her husband to do the same to her children from previous marriage and not taking care of her business.

I’ll be honest..I don’t like my husbands kids much and am a midlife second wife.They have given me reasons(valid)not to but I do understand they are hurting.That hurt was not caused by me but by their parents years before I became involved.I wish it were different.

I back off so they can spend time alone with their Father.I never speak ill of their Mom(LIVING).I would never begrudge them of sentimental or family items.

I’ve worn myself out trying to accommodate their high expectations and neurosis when we have the honor of their presence..

You’d think I was guarding Fort Knox with rifle in one hand ,poison apple in the other and state their Mom is chewed gum on the bottom of my shoe regularly in their presence due to the behavior they display at times.

And they are paranoid over Daddy’s items,needlessly.

You know what?My husband loves it I believe.It gives him an ego boost to see the kids and wifey worry and sit and spin.In the meantime he refuses to see an attorney and get his affairs in order so the fears will be resolved for all involved and life can be lived peaceably..Sick,huh?

Sometimes the hard feelings between children and current wife is because the Father creates contention the children have no idea about with wife.Plays both sides against the middle.Creates contention the wife has no idea about when he complains to his children when the waters get rough in marriage causing resentment and judgement.

You should address the Father may also be a bully in addition to a love blinded fool.Or an immature man who feeds off this type of attention and dynamic to fulfill his own twisted needs.

The author is right not all steps are monsters.

Not all stepchildren are blameless victims either.Some become perpetual victims though because they choose it instead of seeking help.

I’m sure these types of women exist but really this article should be titled “Don’t let a worthless Father ruin your life.”

Point the finger of blame at the TRUE SOURCE instead of perpetuating Cinderella,Snow White and Parent Trap.

Your Father is the one who chose her(Toxic or resisted stepmom) and stays.Blame him.Talk to someone who can help or remove you from the home of your Father if you are a minor and are truly abused.If you are an adult,get help to heal.

Don’t allow yourself to be stuck in victim-hood…as Anonpost said if you don’t seek help to heal, it will affect your life and other relationships.Such as your own marriage some day and children.

If you are an Adult and removing yourself from them is in the best interest of your mental health..do it.It’s not running away it’s self preservation.Is Dad’s money,items,choices of companions,etc worth your health and happiness?Is it worth your integrity?

Your Dad made choices.You can also make choices that will affect you long after you are out from under Dad’s roof.Choose well.

BTW,Both my parents were stepchildren.They still complain and carry burdens due to hurt from their step parents who are both long dead.They are in their 70′s.Neither place any blame on their PARENTS.They just complain about dead people to this day and I get the pleasure of hearing it often(it gets old)…not worth it.

As an adult who was an abused child in this sort of situation, I am currently dealing with my choice #2. Seems that option #1 did not work so as an adaptable creature the human is #2 was a way to manage. Wouldn’t you know that is the newest reason I’ve been ousted in my family by my stepmother- from childhood lies and manipulations to balance situations and her moods, to be a peacemaker for my own sanity. 

Granted these doings were 15 years ago! But every word and action is still being compared to and accused to when I was a teen. I haven’t lied in years and am a completely open person. Let me tell you this- if someone is looking for a reason they’ll find it. If someone doesn’t want to see something they won’t. The hardest part of it all is maintaining your true identity through it all. 

But please don’t get discouraged. Stay honest to yourself and keep your perspectives on the situation realistic. If you are a child please speak to a school counselor or priest. If youre an adult find the same! Running away for them or the situation is only temporary and believe me it will return in one way or another and affect your life and those who really truly love and accept you with predjudice and judgment. Please learn not to take away from the good people in your life by only focusing on the bad.  

The dance with anger is an excellent starter book to bring relationship patterns and your part in continuing the cycle to light. Good luck. And wish you all peace in your hearts. 

Matthew 21:18-35

So I can relate to this article.

I recommend this: keep your head down, turn 18, and get out of there. If you’re not quite 18 – I feel your pain, too. I recommend: avoid home like the plague, try and find a relative/friend to live with, and if you must live with them – give them absolutely zero emotional gratification.

My father left for another woman when I was 7. We never really discussed the issues surrounding his choice to leave – a fact which has continued throughout our relationship (I’m now 21). My mother was understandably devastated, and was treated appallingly. She told us probably too much information about my father’s behaviour, especially since I was a tiny child at the time, and of course children of divorce feel like they should ‘side with the mother’, particularly when that mother’s been badly treated.

My stepmother either ignored us completely or made life unnecessarily difficult throughout our childhood and adolescence. Her son (3 at the time, now 18) was vile to my brother (5 then, 20 now) as they grew up – he’d bully him to the point of my brother coming home in tears and locking himself in his room for hours, then she’d tell my dad that my brother (the shyest kid you’ve ever met) was horrible to her son, he’d then complain to my mother that she was poisoning us against my stepmother and her son, and the three of us would feel intimidated and like there was no getting out of the whole mess. My mother learnt quickly not to respond to it and to advise us to essentially keep our heads held high and not give them any kind of satisfaction. We did, but I remember being angry throughout my childhood, especially having to watch this happen every time we visited while my dad stood by and did nothing.

She was relatively OK to me in comparison until I became a teenager – then she’d ignore me, complain about me, and on occasion lie. For example, I asked my dad in front of her if I could maybe see him more than once a fortnight: mysteriously my mother got an email from him five days later detailing all the awful things I’d done to her, none of which were remotely true, and how if it continued I wouldn’t be allowed to go there at all. I remember being in floods of tears, and my mother replied with as polite an email as she could muster telling my father that I’d denied these allegations and she was choosing to believe me. He knew I’d seen the email, yet never mentioned it again.

We were included on some family holidays, but they took a couple of trips a year with her kids and not us. We heard about these trips in detail. Her kids were bought designer clothes, sent to expensive schools and allowed to do whatever they wanted; I don’t begrudge that as she earns good money, but there seemed to be no understanding that my brother and I went to a bad state school, had weekend jobs and were raised understanding that everyone has different levels of wealth. Her oldest son in particular (her younger one, my half-brother, has remarkably turned into a sweet kid) has been unbelievably rude and cruel to me and my brother throughout us growing up; we went on a trip to scatter my uncle’s ashes in 2010 and he spent the entire time complaining, calling us names and generally being so vile that I called my mother twice in the trip crying my eyes out.

I was a bit of a misfit at school – quiet, nerdy and not very pretty or secure in myself. She’s incredibly glamorous and never seemed to like me, which dented my self confidence and self esteem in a way that meant most of my teenagerhood was spent feeling sad. Some stepkids rebel and are naughty, rude or violent. Don’t get me wrong, I was never particularly chatty with her, but a lot of this was down to a deep-rooted feeling of not being liked, of being too scared to do anything in case my dad took her side, and of being a painfully awkward child! I remember making her cups of tea and babysitting for free, but I was always labelled the bad, naughty stepchild who made her life difficult and didn’t like her. My dad always took her side. As a child, you believe you don’t question adults; they’re right and you’re wrong, so if you’re given a label like that, you believe it. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past and have always struggled with low self-esteem and self-confidence.

Things got worse when I went to uni – she made it more and more difficult for me to stay there, resulting in her and my dad trying to set up a meeting with me to establish ground rules for ‘how often I could go there and how I behaved’. That uni holiday I had visited for 9 days over a total of 12 weeks. Throughout visits she’d completely ignore me, never ask about how uni was going and make it so difficult for me to stay that I began to hate it; I only went to spend time with my half-brother. My dad would ask me on the phone how long I was intending to stay for, which made me feel like an unwanted imposition; it was one of the factors which ended up in me seeing a counsellor in my first year of uni. Even she said she didn’t know why I put up with my stepmother’s behaviour and that I deserved better. It gave me the courage, after this talk of a meeting before I started my third year, to email my dad and say that while I wanted to see him and my little brother, I no longer wanted to see her or be a part of her family.

That was 14 months ago. I’ve moved to the city and I’m trying to start a career. I know that despite everything I could never do what she’s done, and that makes me feel that I’m going to grow into a person who’s OK. I don’t regret walking away; I do want to say to other stepkids that the author’s right. Be patient, your step-parent doesn’t have to have control over you forever, and no matter how bad things seem or how bad you feel you and only you have control of your future. The best revenge IS a great life, and anyone who’s had to deal with similar issues from a parent or a step-parent is going to be stronger, more sure of right and wrong and more able to fight to get there. Hang in there.

We didn’t fit into her new family, so she got rid of us.

Not all stepmothers are bad people, to be sure, but the ones that are can inflict so much pain without anyone else seeing to know or care about their selfishness and greed.

I have never been beaten and I am upset to hear how you were treated. You are a strong person for coming out of a situation like that and still maintaining a rational mindset.

The best I can do is treat others well and those who come after me, like you say. It is a mission of mine to do just that.

I am 22 years old. My father and his partner (Lin) are currently going through a separation (finally). They have been together for 12 years. 12 years during which utter misery has ebbed and flowed relentlessly.

There’s a long story but I won’t go into it. I have not got a good relationship with my stepmother but I am very close to my father. The divorce between my parents didn’t hurt me as such; it was a relief that the regular arguments and shouting in the home could stop. What has deeply affected me is my stepmother/dad’s partner.

I don’t believe in generalisations, but I’m afraid my stepmother does fit the stereotype of a toxic, self-centred woman. Previous posters have given examples of the sort of angst it can cause and I won’t repeat similar things. However, my questions to all you stepmothers are:

Why the hell did you stay around? Why didn’t you leave when you were clearly spending a good many years of your life having a miserable time? Why do you go into a relationship where the father already has a child expecting it all to be so easy, that your stepson would be fine with you and his father sleeping together? That you never EVER accept responsibility for your mistakes?

To be honest, until latest catastrophe, I was resigned to a life of accepting my stepmother. I knew I would never have a normal relationship with her but I made the effort to completely change the way I think because I thought it was what my dad wanted. Now it seems he didn’t ever want this relationship that badly and that has thrown me into thinking “I made all that effort and went through suffering for someone who is not even worthy of my father?”.

Anyway, she’s doing everything she can to grab the house etc. bla bla just like my mother did to my father 12 years ago.

You’ve got to appreciate, I was put under such tremendous pressure to like this woman (this woman who thought I should be “given a kick up the ass”), who has talked about me behind my back, forced my dog to not live in the house but outside in a freezing, damp cupboard where his arthritis got worse, and more besides.

I’ve seen some of her writings. She was miserable as far back as 2001 (and never once reflects on herself, always on how other people are crap). Why did she not get out? She must have been loving how she had it so easy with my father, right? With the lifestyle he gave her, it was worth putting up with the brat stepson, even if it meant pulling everyone down including herself, right?

She doesn’t get it, she never got it, she’s a total foreigner to basic human emotions and needs.

Also, my experience with the absent stepmother led me to study psychology at UCSD and eventually seek my own recovery from the trauma; resulting in the development of my own self-awareness. I hestitate to label the stepmother as universally “evil”. Although I felt very hurt by her actions and inactions in my life, the experience led me to seek a deeper understanding of myself and others. This can be viewed positively. Can the author remove one of my posts? I accidentally submitted my post twice on this page. Thanks for reading.

I have read the article and a couple of responses. My “stepmother” had an extra-marital affair with my father while he was married to my mother; resulting in his leaving the home. This early childhood trauma devastated me when he left me by age three, to go live with her and “start over”. It probably was one of the deepest wounds I have tried to heal. Throughout my childhood, she remained indifferent to me: she did not call me even by phone when I was sick or on my birthday. A social worker diagnosed my stepmother with DNP or destructive narcissistic personality disorder. She clearly lacked empathy for my needs as a child and later admitted to having an “under-developed moral conscience”. Not having a father around was probably the greatest source of pain/ grief for me when I was growing up with a single mom. Yet, she dismissed this event as unimportant… I can understand the author’s point very well.

But Bens advice definitely sounded like it came from someone who has experienced an evil stepmother – the best revenge is to go and have a fantastic life. To all those who wish to critise Ben and those who believe in his comment – lucky you – you obviously havent been hurt in this way by a stepparent. Be thankful and dont belittle anyone elses feelings for feeling the way that they do – it will take years and years (if ever) to recover from the emotional damage that my stepmother has done to myself and my siblings. To stepmum – its very easy to ask all us adult stepchildren your questions from your high horse – but more importantly you could close this article and take pleasure in the fact that you have a healthy relationship with your stepchildren (and be proud of it) but leave the rest of us who havent had that pleasure to get a little bit back by seeking some of Ben’s revenge. (thanks ben – very healthy in my opinion)

Good Day to you all

Now watch as my post will once again be deleted, no doubt due to having used the “F” word — even though Ben Leichtling’s “advice” above is far, far more damaging and offensive in every respect.

In fact, this entire article is a disgrace, with its horrible assumptions and inflammatory language. It purports to describe a problem, but by labelling and stereotyping stepmothers it just makes that problem worse. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

My experience, and that of the many stepmothers I know, is that women in our situations try really, really hard to have a good relationship with our partner’s kids, only to be rebuffed and rejected, often very cruelly, many times over.

Don’t forget, stepmothers do a necessary job. Usually, we care for, financially support and look after kids that aren’t ours, out of love for them and their fathers. When foster parents do that, they get praise. We get abuse.

Personally, my oldest stepson has hit me, kicked me, punched me, and thrown something that hit me in the eye and cut me. He was ten at the time, and quite strong.

No matter how nasty he was, I tried for two years to be his friend and a supportive and concerned adult in his life. He felt like he could throw any abuse he liked at me.

He is somewhat better now, but he still says very mean things – about me, my family, my choices, even my appearance, and tries unsuccessfully to recruit his Dad against me. Anyone who says that he’s just a kid and I should “rise above” or “suck it up” needs to live with a hurtful, rejecting, belittling child and see what it does to you!

Eventually, I gave up trying. It was too hard, being deliberately hurt and rejected. He had to learn that his attitude was his problem, not my fault. I cared about him but now I just stay out of his way and spend my energy on his younger brothers, who enjoy my efforts and my company. His loss!

My story isn’t unusual; even women who remarry men with grownup children report horrible amounts of hostility and rejection and plain meanness from them.

Personally, I think there are more wicked stepkids in the world than wicked stepmothers!

(Hate on me for saying it if you want – until you’ve been a stepmother to hostile kids, you have NO IDEA how hard and unrewarding it is to be responsible for caring for kids who feel free to treat you like dirt, and whose mothers treat you like dirt, because of their emotional conflicts that have nothing to do with you.)

So I ask all you grown up, angry stepchildren reading this crappy article the hard questions.

What did you do that made it difficult for your stepmother to be loving towards you? How did you reject and undermine her, disrespect or belittle her? How did you treat her like an enemy before she could become a friend? I’m sure there was fault on both sides, but have you ever thought before about the fault on your side, or just focused on her mistakes?