Just as the predatory stepfather has become a cliché, the wicked, greedy stepmother has also become an archetype because so many times the characterization is accurate. So what can you do when your father marries a grasping, bullying, uncaring woman when you’re young? How can you stop such a bully when your father marries one late in life and she wants to get her hands on the family fortune and your most cherished sentimental items?
Of course there are many situations in which a stepmother has loved and enriched the life of her stepdaughter. See “Gertrude Bell: Queen of the Desert, Shaper of Nations,” by Georgina Howell for one famous example.
But when you’re young and an evil stepmom moves in, with our without her own children, and treats you like Cinderella, you have only one court of appeal, your father. If he won’t see the truth and rectify his mistake, you have only a few options:
- Keep resisting, fighting and rebelling; keep trying to make him see the light.
- Fly low; be devious, learn to dissemble, lie and hide in order to minimize the damage.
The first strategy usually has disastrous consequences for children. Typically, fathers never get it. Sometimes relatives might defend you, but they can rarely open your blinded father’s eyes. For many reasons, none important for your later life, your father typically won’t accept or value that you’re being mistreated and he won’t get rid of the witch.
Kids who use this strategy usually end up ruining their lives because they’ve only prepared themselves to resist, fight and rebel. All their energy goes into trying to get justice from a stone. They don’t prepare themselves to have wonderful careers and lives.
Kids who use the second strategy often succeed in later life. Don’t waste your youth fighting an unwinnable battle. Use your time and effort to develop skills that prepare you for a good career and a great life.
Of course, a bullying stepmom will harass and abuse you whenever she can. She’ll also try to align your father against you. And if she brings her own children into the marriage, she’ll try to shove you out so hers can inherit the love and money. So what? History is full of kids who succeeded despite the unfairness and injustice of such situations.
Since your father is besotted and blinded, there’s little you can do to obtain justice. When you’re young, you can’t understand how a person can do what he’s doing. When you become older and can see the reasons, there’s still little comfort in that understanding.
In this situation, the key to success is an inner one: keep your spirit alive and burning fiercely until you can get away and make your own life. Of course you won’t have the head start you would have if your father had done better for you. So what? That’s not the end of the world.
Of course you’ll get blamed for everything. Your wicked stepmom will heap shame and guilt on you. Don’t accept it. It’s not your fault. Of course, you did some things wrong, but even if you’d been perfect, it wouldn’t have been good enough for her. You were in her way or she needed a scapegoat or she simply liked to inflict pain. The way she treated you was her fault, not yours.
Don’t let anxiety and stress lead to depression. Don’t let negative self-talk and self-bullying destroy your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Stay invulnerable to outrageous fortune; verbal, emotional and physical. You aren’t at the mercy of events. Don’t let them crush your spirit. Your spirit can endure and soar. You can create a great life for yourself.
The other typical situation occurs when your father marries late in life and forces a selfish, greedy, narcissistic new wife into your family. Encourage your father to make a prenuptial agreement to protect the family fortune he had before he met her and specify in his will who gets each sentimental treasure from your childhood.
If there’s no written assignment, after your father dies she’ll keep your biological mother’s things and even your most cherished toys. She’ll make you grovel to get any of your father’s items.
Of course she’ll blame you for why she’s mean and keeps things from you. She’ll say that you didn’t communicate lovingly enough with her, you hurt her feelings or she needs and deserves what ever she wants. And she’ll say that she has a right to it all. She needs it to comfort her for her great loss.
She’ll try to divide your siblings into warring camps; if you’re not on her side you’re her enemy for life. She’ll make you crawl in order to get anything, and then she’ll jerk it away just as you think you’re about to get it. It’s as if she enjoys raising your hopes and causing you pain.
Recognize as bullies these manipulative, hypercritical, distorting, demanding, lying toxic people who use their hurt feelings and anger to control everyone else. Notice who has all the responsibility for making her be just or generous; she never accepts any blame, never has to please you, never has to apologize. You always have to please her, accept all the blame for any problem and do all the apologizing.
Your crawling will never be enough to get you anything important. She’ll always raise the bar on what you have to do.
If you try to negotiate with these bullies, you’ll always give up something in hopes that she’ll reciprocate. But you’ll be disappointed. After you give something up, the negotiations will immediately become about what you must give up next.
Accept that you’re in a war with a bitter, relentless and ruthless enemy who won’t compromise or negotiate in good faith. Fight to get what’s yours. Then turn your back and walk away. She wants to trap your energy for the rest of your life; either pleasing her or fighting her; it doesn’t matter which.
Of course some moms harass, bully and abuse their biological children in the same way. Their children need to use the same tactics in order to survive and thrive.
Take your energy and make a wonderful life, no matter the injustice of what happens. The best revenge is a great life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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17 users commented in " Don’t Let a Toxic Stepmom Ruin Your Life "
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It’s so sad when kids become the victim. Parents who should protect their kids turn a blind eye to the damage that is being caused. Kids that are too young to fight back only want to be accepted and loved by the step parent. Shame on selfish, unloving parents and step parents!
and i am one of the victim of step parents……….:) thanks for the great consulting lecture…….
Wow, I identify with this article completely. Is there such a thing as a non-wicked stepmother? lol…please let me know…
Wow, Nikkir386, that’s a nasty and unnecessary comment.
Whatever your personal experience, do you truly think that women who get together with men who have kids all suddenly and magically turn wicked? Would you, in that situation?
In fact, this entire article is a disgrace, with its horrible assumptions and inflammatory language. It purports to describe a problem, but by labelling and stereotyping stepmothers it just makes that problem worse. Ugly, ugly, ugly.
My experience, and that of the many stepmothers I know, is that women in our situations try really, really hard to have a good relationship with our partner’s kids, only to be rebuffed and rejected, often very cruelly, many times over.
Don’t forget, stepmothers do a necessary job. Usually, we care for, financially support and look after kids that aren’t ours, out of love for them and their fathers. When foster parents do that, they get praise. We get abuse.
Personally, my oldest stepson has hit me, kicked me, punched me, and thrown something that hit me in the eye and cut me. He was ten at the time, and quite strong.
No matter how nasty he was, I tried for two years to be his friend and a supportive and concerned adult in his life. He felt like he could throw any abuse he liked at me.
He is somewhat better now, but he still says very mean things - about me, my family, my choices, even my appearance, and tries unsuccessfully to recruit his Dad against me. Anyone who says that he’s just a kid and I should “rise above” or “suck it up” needs to live with a hurtful, rejecting, belittling child and see what it does to you!
Eventually, I gave up trying. It was too hard, being deliberately hurt and rejected. He had to learn that his attitude was his problem, not my fault. I cared about him but now I just stay out of his way and spend my energy on his younger brothers, who enjoy my efforts and my company. His loss!
My story isn’t unusual; even women who remarry men with grownup children report horrible amounts of hostility and rejection and plain meanness from them.
Personally, I think there are more wicked stepkids in the world than wicked stepmothers!
(Hate on me for saying it if you want - until you’ve been a stepmother to hostile kids, you have NO IDEA how hard and unrewarding it is to be responsible for caring for kids who feel free to treat you like dirt, and whose mothers treat you like dirt, because of their emotional conflicts that have nothing to do with you.)
So I ask all you grown up, angry stepchildren reading this crappy article the hard questions.
What did you do that made it difficult for your stepmother to be loving towards you? How did you reject and undermine her, disrespect or belittle her? How did you treat her like an enemy before she could become a friend? I’m sure there was fault on both sides, but have you ever thought before about the fault on your side, or just focused on her mistakes?
My comment was deleted. Is that because I said Ben Leichtling is a fucking moron? Is that not an accurate term to describe someone who would encourage children to “be devious, learn to dissemble, lie and hide”? Is this ethical advice coming from someone who claims to be a “practicing psychotherapist”? So these are the skills that lead to “a good career and a great life,” eh? That’s what Ben Leichtling has written above.
Now watch as my post will once again be deleted, no doubt due to having used the “F” word — even though Ben Leichtling’s “advice” above is far, far more damaging and offensive in every respect.
Its nice to finally see someone say all the things that us forgotten stepchildren feel. Sometimes (in response to ’stepmom’) we havent done anything to belittle our stepmothers. It is a fact of life that some people are just downright mean, and unfortunately those people sometimes become stepparents. (in my experience stepmothers) I am both lucky enough to have had a fantastic stepfather and unlucky to have such a cruel and vindictive stepmother without doing anything to warrant her actions.
But Bens advice definitely sounded like it came from someone who has experienced an evil stepmother - the best revenge is to go and have a fantastic life. To all those who wish to critise Ben and those who believe in his comment - lucky you - you obviously havent been hurt in this way by a stepparent. Be thankful and dont belittle anyone elses feelings for feeling the way that they do - it will take years and years (if ever) to recover from the emotional damage that my stepmother has done to myself and my siblings. To stepmum - its very easy to ask all us adult stepchildren your questions from your high horse - but more importantly you could close this article and take pleasure in the fact that you have a healthy relationship with your stepchildren (and be proud of it) but leave the rest of us who havent had that pleasure to get a little bit back by seeking some of Ben’s revenge. (thanks ben - very healthy in my opinion)
Good Day to you all
Finally an article that talks of the Toxic. Not all women are innocent stepmothers who must deal with the unruly stepkids. Stepmothers can be highly toxic and change the course of a family. If a couple would seek counseling and educate themselves on what blending a stepfamily is all about, perhaps more families would merge with success. Unfortunately couples rush into remarriage thinking only of themselves and not about the family as a whole. I’m continually amazed at how stepchildren both children and adults are so forgotten.
Stepmum said,
Thank you for your support! This blog is very hurtful. It’s nice to know that someone out there understands what I have been going through for the past 20 years.
Hi everyone,
I have read the article and a couple of responses. My “stepmother” had an extra-marital affair with my father while he was married to my mother; resulting in his leaving the home. This early childhood trauma devastated me when he left me by age three, to go live with her and “start over”. It probably was one of the deepest wounds I have tried to heal. Throughout my childhood, she remained indifferent to me: she did not call me even by phone when I was sick or on my birthday. A social worker diagnosed my stepmother with DNP or destructive narcissistic personality disorder. She clearly lacked empathy for my needs as a child and later admitted to having an “under-developed moral conscience”. Not having a father around was probably the greatest source of pain/ grief for me when I was growing up with a single mom. Yet, she dismissed this event as unimportant… I can understand the author’s point very well.
Hi everyone,
Also, my experience with the absent stepmother led me to study psychology at UCSD and eventually seek my own recovery from the trauma; resulting in the development of my own self-awareness. I hestitate to label the stepmother as universally “evil”. Although I felt very hurt by her actions and inactions in my life, the experience led me to seek a deeper understanding of myself and others. This can be viewed positively. Can the author remove one of my posts? I accidentally submitted my post twice on this page. Thanks for reading.
Hi all,
I am 22 years old. My father and his partner (Lin) are currently going through a separation (finally). They have been together for 12 years. 12 years during which utter misery has ebbed and flowed relentlessly.
There’s a long story but I won’t go into it. I have not got a good relationship with my stepmother but I am very close to my father. The divorce between my parents didn’t hurt me as such; it was a relief that the regular arguments and shouting in the home could stop. What has deeply affected me is my stepmother/dad’s partner.
I don’t believe in generalisations, but I’m afraid my stepmother does fit the stereotype of a toxic, self-centred woman. Previous posters have given examples of the sort of angst it can cause and I won’t repeat similar things. However, my questions to all you stepmothers are:
Why the hell did you stay around? Why didn’t you leave when you were clearly spending a good many years of your life having a miserable time? Why do you go into a relationship where the father already has a child expecting it all to be so easy, that your stepson would be fine with you and his father sleeping together? That you never EVER accept responsibility for your mistakes?
To be honest, until latest catastrophe, I was resigned to a life of accepting my stepmother. I knew I would never have a normal relationship with her but I made the effort to completely change the way I think because I thought it was what my dad wanted. Now it seems he didn’t ever want this relationship that badly and that has thrown me into thinking “I made all that effort and went through suffering for someone who is not even worthy of my father?”.
Anyway, she’s doing everything she can to grab the house etc. bla bla just like my mother did to my father 12 years ago.
You’ve got to appreciate, I was put under such tremendous pressure to like this woman (this woman who thought I should be “given a kick up the ass”), who has talked about me behind my back, forced my dog to not live in the house but outside in a freezing, damp cupboard where his arthritis got worse, and more besides.
I’ve seen some of her writings. She was miserable as far back as 2001 (and never once reflects on herself, always on how other people are crap). Why did she not get out? She must have been loving how she had it so easy with my father, right? With the lifestyle he gave her, it was worth putting up with the brat stepson, even if it meant pulling everyone down including herself, right?
She doesn’t get it, she never got it, she’s a total foreigner to basic human emotions and needs.
When I read this I immediately sent a link to myself so that I could use it in arming my son,10, from his narcisstic step mom. Then I read the comments, and I conclude that the defensive remarks made against the author are from controlling, or immature, or those suffering from undiagnosed personality disorders. There are good step moms and bad ones. Me and my kiddos got stuck with a bad one. Any comments that assume this article encompassed ALL stepmoms and were offended, means they are most likely a wicked step mom, reason for the defensive tone.
I am not a step mom, my children and I are stuck with one, just bad luck, I guess. But how ignorant would it be for me to stereotype all step moms based on my bum luck of the draw for stepmom.
NOTE TO THE IGNORANT: This article wasn’t about you, unless you are a wicked stepmom.
There are some biological mothers that cause their children pain, too.
To AdultButNot….I had the exact same experience, only it was with a step father. Men can be vicious & manipulative too. And my naive mother fell for it. He was a psychopath, I knew at the age of 5 that there was something very WRONG with this man. He would beat me with belts until I bled, all because I didn’t like the food. He threw me around the kitchen one morning for putting my finger in the sugar bowl. My “mother” turned a blind eye to all of this, because being his wife was apparently more important to her than being my mother. I’m 40 years old, haven’t spoken to either of them in 20 years, and am still very angry & confused. I wish I could tell you that these feelings go away. I never told, because, for reasons which I will never understand, he made her (mom) happy. My love for her was fierce and unconditional, even though she condoned and sometimes participated in his abuse of me. After I left “home”, I heard through the family grapevine that they divorced. So, my childhood basically sucked all for nothing. I hope he was worth it to her, because she gave up ALOT to be with him, including her daughter. I never want to see either one of those depraved idiots again. You will be a good parent to your children because of what you had to go through. I have NEVER let someone beat my kids, and never will. Good wishes to you and your future.
Thank you for your kind words, hippigirl.
I have never been beaten and I am upset to hear how you were treated. You are a strong person for coming out of a situation like that and still maintaining a rational mindset.
The best I can do is treat others well and those who come after me, like you say. It is a mission of mine to do just that.
Thank you for articulating so clearly what this experience is like regarding having a toxic step mother. Despite experiencing 30 years of so much of the same heartaches you all describe, part of me still felt so traumatized by it that a kind of voicelessness results. Four years ago, I finally said goodbye, and have had a peaceful and contented life ever since. Her provocations and backbiting continue, and she succeeded in having me ostrasized for putting end to her emotional abuse of me, but I no longer respond. Zero access is, I have found, the only way. Bens advice is so very true. It isn’t easy to do at first, I was conditioned since age 10 to be the pleading supplicant, fixer, the blamed. There is no way to fix a toxic heartless person who misquotes you, turns your father and sibs against one another and you, and never permits you to live in peace or have joy. Just get out, and start a new life. It is a very beautiful thing and your future children will be blessed by the health and happiness you can share with them.
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