Just as the predatory stepfather has become a cliché, the wicked, greedy stepmother has also become an archetype because so many times the characterization is accurate. So what can you do when your father marries a grasping, bullying, uncaring woman when you’re young? How can you stop such a bully when your father marries one late in life and she wants to get her hands on the family fortune and your most cherished sentimental items?
Of course there are many situations in which a stepmother has loved and enriched the life of her stepdaughter. See “Gertrude Bell: Queen of the Desert, Shaper of Nations,” by Georgina Howell for one famous example.
But when you’re young and an evil stepmom moves in, with our without her own children, and treats you like Cinderella, you have only one court of appeal, your father. If he won’t see the truth and rectify his mistake, you have only a few options:
- Keep resisting, fighting and rebelling; keep trying to make him see the light.
- Fly low; be devious, learn to dissemble, lie and hide in order to minimize the damage.
The first strategy usually has disastrous consequences for children. Typically, fathers never get it. Sometimes relatives might defend you, but they can rarely open your blinded father’s eyes. For many reasons, none important for your later life, your father typically won’t accept or value that you’re being mistreated and he won’t get rid of the witch.
Kids who use this strategy usually end up ruining their lives because they’ve only prepared themselves to resist, fight and rebel. All their energy goes into trying to get justice from a stone. They don’t prepare themselves to have wonderful careers and lives.
Kids who use the second strategy often succeed in later life. Don’t waste your youth fighting an unwinnable battle. Use your time and effort to develop skills that prepare you for a good career and a great life.
Of course, a bullying stepmom will harass and abuse you whenever she can. She’ll also try to align your father against you. And if she brings her own children into the marriage, she’ll try to shove you out so hers can inherit the love and money. So what? History is full of kids who succeeded despite the unfairness and injustice of such situations.
Since your father is besotted and blinded, there’s little you can do to obtain justice. When you’re young, you can’t understand how a person can do what he’s doing. When you become older and can see the reasons, there’s still little comfort in that understanding.
In this situation, the key to success is an inner one: keep your spirit alive and burning fiercely until you can get away and make your own life. Of course you won’t have the head start you would have if your father had done better for you. So what? That’s not the end of the world.
Of course you’ll get blamed for everything. Your wicked stepmom will heap shame and guilt on you. Don’t accept it. It’s not your fault. Of course, you did some things wrong, but even if you’d been perfect, it wouldn’t have been good enough for her. You were in her way or she needed a scapegoat or she simply liked to inflict pain. The way she treated you was her fault, not yours.
Don’t let anxiety and stress lead to depression. Don’t let negative self-talk and self-bullying destroy your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Stay invulnerable to outrageous fortune; verbal, emotional and physical. You aren’t at the mercy of events. Don’t let them crush your spirit. Your spirit can endure and soar. You can create a great life for yourself.
The other typical situation occurs when your father marries late in life and forces a selfish, greedy, narcissistic new wife into your family. Encourage your father to make a prenuptial agreement to protect the family fortune he had before he met her and specify in his will who gets each sentimental treasure from your childhood.
If there’s no written assignment, after your father dies she’ll keep your biological mother’s things and even your most cherished toys. She’ll make you grovel to get any of your father’s items.
Of course she’ll blame you for why she’s mean and keeps things from you. She’ll say that you didn’t communicate lovingly enough with her, you hurt her feelings or she needs and deserves what ever she wants. And she’ll say that she has a right to it all. She needs it to comfort her for her great loss.
She’ll try to divide your siblings into warring camps; if you’re not on her side you’re her enemy for life. She’ll make you crawl in order to get anything, and then she’ll jerk it away just as you think you’re about to get it. It’s as if she enjoys raising your hopes and causing you pain.
Recognize as bullies these manipulative, hypercritical, distorting, demanding, lying toxic people who use their hurt feelings and anger to control everyone else. Notice who has all the responsibility for making her be just or generous; she never accepts any blame, never has to please you, never has to apologize. You always have to please her, accept all the blame for any problem and do all the apologizing.
Your crawling will never be enough to get you anything important. She’ll always raise the bar on what you have to do.
If you try to negotiate with these bullies, you’ll always give up something in hopes that she’ll reciprocate. But you’ll be disappointed. After you give something up, the negotiations will immediately become about what you must give up next.
Accept that you’re in a war with a bitter, relentless and ruthless enemy who won’t compromise or negotiate in good faith. Fight to get what’s yours. Then turn your back and walk away. She wants to trap your energy for the rest of your life; either pleasing her or fighting her; it doesn’t matter which.
Of course some moms harass, bully and abuse their biological children in the same way. Their children need to use the same tactics in order to survive and thrive.
Take your energy and make a wonderful life, no matter the injustice of what happens. The best revenge is a great life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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It’s so sad when kids become the victim. Parents who should protect their kids turn a blind eye to the damage that is being caused. Kids that are too young to fight back only want to be accepted and loved by the step parent. Shame on selfish, unloving parents and step parents!
and i am one of the victim of step parents……….:) thanks for the great consulting lecture…….
Wow, I identify with this article completely. Is there such a thing as a non-wicked stepmother? lol…please let me know…
Wow, Nikkir386, that’s a nasty and unnecessary comment.
Whatever your personal experience, do you truly think that women who get together with men who have kids all suddenly and magically turn wicked? Would you, in that situation?
In fact, this entire article is a disgrace, with its horrible assumptions and inflammatory language. It purports to describe a problem, but by labelling and stereotyping stepmothers it just makes that problem worse. Ugly, ugly, ugly.
My experience, and that of the many stepmothers I know, is that women in our situations try really, really hard to have a good relationship with our partner’s kids, only to be rebuffed and rejected, often very cruelly, many times over.
Don’t forget, stepmothers do a necessary job. Usually, we care for, financially support and look after kids that aren’t ours, out of love for them and their fathers. When foster parents do that, they get praise. We get abuse.
Personally, my oldest stepson has hit me, kicked me, punched me, and thrown something that hit me in the eye and cut me. He was ten at the time, and quite strong.
No matter how nasty he was, I tried for two years to be his friend and a supportive and concerned adult in his life. He felt like he could throw any abuse he liked at me.
He is somewhat better now, but he still says very mean things - about me, my family, my choices, even my appearance, and tries unsuccessfully to recruit his Dad against me. Anyone who says that he’s just a kid and I should “rise above” or “suck it up” needs to live with a hurtful, rejecting, belittling child and see what it does to you!
Eventually, I gave up trying. It was too hard, being deliberately hurt and rejected. He had to learn that his attitude was his problem, not my fault. I cared about him but now I just stay out of his way and spend my energy on his younger brothers, who enjoy my efforts and my company. His loss!
My story isn’t unusual; even women who remarry men with grownup children report horrible amounts of hostility and rejection and plain meanness from them.
Personally, I think there are more wicked stepkids in the world than wicked stepmothers!
(Hate on me for saying it if you want - until you’ve been a stepmother to hostile kids, you have NO IDEA how hard and unrewarding it is to be responsible for caring for kids who feel free to treat you like dirt, and whose mothers treat you like dirt, because of their emotional conflicts that have nothing to do with you.)
So I ask all you grown up, angry stepchildren reading this crappy article the hard questions.
What did you do that made it difficult for your stepmother to be loving towards you? How did you reject and undermine her, disrespect or belittle her? How did you treat her like an enemy before she could become a friend? I’m sure there was fault on both sides, but have you ever thought before about the fault on your side, or just focused on her mistakes?
My comment was deleted. Is that because I said Ben Leichtling is a fucking moron? Is that not an accurate term to describe someone who would encourage children to “be devious, learn to dissemble, lie and hide”? Is this ethical advice coming from someone who claims to be a “practicing psychotherapist”? So these are the skills that lead to “a good career and a great life,” eh? That’s what Ben Leichtling has written above.
Now watch as my post will once again be deleted, no doubt due to having used the “F” word — even though Ben Leichtling’s “advice” above is far, far more damaging and offensive in every respect.
Its nice to finally see someone say all the things that us forgotten stepchildren feel. Sometimes (in response to ’stepmom’) we havent done anything to belittle our stepmothers. It is a fact of life that some people are just downright mean, and unfortunately those people sometimes become stepparents. (in my experience stepmothers) I am both lucky enough to have had a fantastic stepfather and unlucky to have such a cruel and vindictive stepmother without doing anything to warrant her actions.
But Bens advice definitely sounded like it came from someone who has experienced an evil stepmother - the best revenge is to go and have a fantastic life. To all those who wish to critise Ben and those who believe in his comment - lucky you - you obviously havent been hurt in this way by a stepparent. Be thankful and dont belittle anyone elses feelings for feeling the way that they do - it will take years and years (if ever) to recover from the emotional damage that my stepmother has done to myself and my siblings. To stepmum - its very easy to ask all us adult stepchildren your questions from your high horse - but more importantly you could close this article and take pleasure in the fact that you have a healthy relationship with your stepchildren (and be proud of it) but leave the rest of us who havent had that pleasure to get a little bit back by seeking some of Ben’s revenge. (thanks ben - very healthy in my opinion)
Good Day to you all
Finally an article that talks of the Toxic. Not all women are innocent stepmothers who must deal with the unruly stepkids. Stepmothers can be highly toxic and change the course of a family. If a couple would seek counseling and educate themselves on what blending a stepfamily is all about, perhaps more families would merge with success. Unfortunately couples rush into remarriage thinking only of themselves and not about the family as a whole. I’m continually amazed at how stepchildren both children and adults are so forgotten.
Stepmum said,
Thank you for your support! This blog is very hurtful. It’s nice to know that someone out there understands what I have been going through for the past 20 years.
Hi everyone,
I have read the article and a couple of responses. My “stepmother” had an extra-marital affair with my father while he was married to my mother; resulting in his leaving the home. This early childhood trauma devastated me when he left me by age three, to go live with her and “start over”. It probably was one of the deepest wounds I have tried to heal. Throughout my childhood, she remained indifferent to me: she did not call me even by phone when I was sick or on my birthday. A social worker diagnosed my stepmother with DNP or destructive narcissistic personality disorder. She clearly lacked empathy for my needs as a child and later admitted to having an “under-developed moral conscience”. Not having a father around was probably the greatest source of pain/ grief for me when I was growing up with a single mom. Yet, she dismissed this event as unimportant… I can understand the author’s point very well.
Hi everyone,
Also, my experience with the absent stepmother led me to study psychology at UCSD and eventually seek my own recovery from the trauma; resulting in the development of my own self-awareness. I hestitate to label the stepmother as universally “evil”. Although I felt very hurt by her actions and inactions in my life, the experience led me to seek a deeper understanding of myself and others. This can be viewed positively. Can the author remove one of my posts? I accidentally submitted my post twice on this page. Thanks for reading.
Hi all,
I am 22 years old. My father and his partner (Lin) are currently going through a separation (finally). They have been together for 12 years. 12 years during which utter misery has ebbed and flowed relentlessly.
There’s a long story but I won’t go into it. I have not got a good relationship with my stepmother but I am very close to my father. The divorce between my parents didn’t hurt me as such; it was a relief that the regular arguments and shouting in the home could stop. What has deeply affected me is my stepmother/dad’s partner.
I don’t believe in generalisations, but I’m afraid my stepmother does fit the stereotype of a toxic, self-centred woman. Previous posters have given examples of the sort of angst it can cause and I won’t repeat similar things. However, my questions to all you stepmothers are:
Why the hell did you stay around? Why didn’t you leave when you were clearly spending a good many years of your life having a miserable time? Why do you go into a relationship where the father already has a child expecting it all to be so easy, that your stepson would be fine with you and his father sleeping together? That you never EVER accept responsibility for your mistakes?
To be honest, until latest catastrophe, I was resigned to a life of accepting my stepmother. I knew I would never have a normal relationship with her but I made the effort to completely change the way I think because I thought it was what my dad wanted. Now it seems he didn’t ever want this relationship that badly and that has thrown me into thinking “I made all that effort and went through suffering for someone who is not even worthy of my father?”.
Anyway, she’s doing everything she can to grab the house etc. bla bla just like my mother did to my father 12 years ago.
You’ve got to appreciate, I was put under such tremendous pressure to like this woman (this woman who thought I should be “given a kick up the ass”), who has talked about me behind my back, forced my dog to not live in the house but outside in a freezing, damp cupboard where his arthritis got worse, and more besides.
I’ve seen some of her writings. She was miserable as far back as 2001 (and never once reflects on herself, always on how other people are crap). Why did she not get out? She must have been loving how she had it so easy with my father, right? With the lifestyle he gave her, it was worth putting up with the brat stepson, even if it meant pulling everyone down including herself, right?
She doesn’t get it, she never got it, she’s a total foreigner to basic human emotions and needs.
When I read this I immediately sent a link to myself so that I could use it in arming my son,10, from his narcisstic step mom. Then I read the comments, and I conclude that the defensive remarks made against the author are from controlling, or immature, or those suffering from undiagnosed personality disorders. There are good step moms and bad ones. Me and my kiddos got stuck with a bad one. Any comments that assume this article encompassed ALL stepmoms and were offended, means they are most likely a wicked step mom, reason for the defensive tone.
I am not a step mom, my children and I are stuck with one, just bad luck, I guess. But how ignorant would it be for me to stereotype all step moms based on my bum luck of the draw for stepmom.
NOTE TO THE IGNORANT: This article wasn’t about you, unless you are a wicked stepmom.
There are some biological mothers that cause their children pain, too.
To AdultButNot….I had the exact same experience, only it was with a step father. Men can be vicious & manipulative too. And my naive mother fell for it. He was a psychopath, I knew at the age of 5 that there was something very WRONG with this man. He would beat me with belts until I bled, all because I didn’t like the food. He threw me around the kitchen one morning for putting my finger in the sugar bowl. My “mother” turned a blind eye to all of this, because being his wife was apparently more important to her than being my mother. I’m 40 years old, haven’t spoken to either of them in 20 years, and am still very angry & confused. I wish I could tell you that these feelings go away. I never told, because, for reasons which I will never understand, he made her (mom) happy. My love for her was fierce and unconditional, even though she condoned and sometimes participated in his abuse of me. After I left “home”, I heard through the family grapevine that they divorced. So, my childhood basically sucked all for nothing. I hope he was worth it to her, because she gave up ALOT to be with him, including her daughter. I never want to see either one of those depraved idiots again. You will be a good parent to your children because of what you had to go through. I have NEVER let someone beat my kids, and never will. Good wishes to you and your future.
Thank you for your kind words, hippigirl.
I have never been beaten and I am upset to hear how you were treated. You are a strong person for coming out of a situation like that and still maintaining a rational mindset.
The best I can do is treat others well and those who come after me, like you say. It is a mission of mine to do just that.
Thank you for articulating so clearly what this experience is like regarding having a toxic step mother. Despite experiencing 30 years of so much of the same heartaches you all describe, part of me still felt so traumatized by it that a kind of voicelessness results. Four years ago, I finally said goodbye, and have had a peaceful and contented life ever since. Her provocations and backbiting continue, and she succeeded in having me ostrasized for putting end to her emotional abuse of me, but I no longer respond. Zero access is, I have found, the only way. Bens advice is so very true. It isn’t easy to do at first, I was conditioned since age 10 to be the pleading supplicant, fixer, the blamed. There is no way to fix a toxic heartless person who misquotes you, turns your father and sibs against one another and you, and never permits you to live in peace or have joy. Just get out, and start a new life. It is a very beautiful thing and your future children will be blessed by the health and happiness you can share with them.
This is a great article, fortunately my evil stepmother came into my life once I was a grown woman, but she still stove to manipulate and devalue myself and my sibling and keep us from our father (deceased). When he died she walked away with everything and I don’t think it will ever stop hurting that she managed to turn my father away from us so easily after him telling us as children that we were the most important things in the world to him.
We didn’t fit into her new family, so she got rid of us.
Not all stepmothers are bad people, to be sure, but the ones that are can inflict so much pain without anyone else seeing to know or care about their selfishness and greed.
Sounds like the person in your life that truly let you down was your DAD. While your stepmom might have been horrid, the REAL person that let you down was him. As a grown man, author and Ph.D., I am shocked that most of this venom was not released on the betrayer. I guess that even when you are beyond old/experienced enough to have all the facts, it is still too painful to face the honest truth.
I think these feelings are typically one sided and highly debatable in the face of an aware, generous, sweet and giving stepmom who gets washed in the flow of all other types and gets the same treatment as the so called bullies no matter what she does. There is a huge richness to the other kind of stepmom which this article does not address. Most stepmoms try to blend in, take care, love their new families and piece them back together at their own cost. It is a hugely thankless job, which they take in their stride. Its not an easy job, but there are those that do it well and they deserve a mention. There has to be a balancing tone in an article when people address the growing breed of fantastic stepmoms. I have read, spoken and written on a lot of stepfamily forums and none of them mention stepkids in a bad light, although there are those who exploit their position to get back at a stepmom who is evil merely because she married their dad. I would like to highlight the fact that stepmoms are very aware of the stigma the very name carries and they typically bend over their backs to erase it with love. I would like you all to take a minute and give this a thought. Its just sad to see stepmoms generally maligned like this.
Finally some great information!!!! My daughter has been dealing with her wicked stepmom for 3 yrs and it’s been hell. I’ve also had the luxury of dealing with this wicked evil step mom myself.Becoming obsessed at how one person could be so horrible.Everthing this person wrote was so true.My daughter’s dad is so blind to the fact that his wife is nuts, and he agrees with her on everything.Oh my daughter’s horrible they say and she almost ruined their marriage,she is the one to blame.The poor children having to deal with this.I can’t wait to have a chance to shine some light on these derranged people,even if they still believe they do no wrong. I won’t give up the fight for my daughter.
Mary (from July 27,2010, I completely agree with you. Far too many couples remarry thinking only of themselves. These are adults who cannot be alone and remarry, sometimes each adding their own children to the mix. I have watched as my three kids have been “blended” when their dad remarried. It’s not an unfair thing to say, it’s a fact. Sometimes step mothers are nasty people. Some of them are extremely toxic. In the case of my children, their stepmother has been married three times previously. Now is married to their dad. Quite a track record, huh? Am I to believe that the issues my children are having now are their faults? My nine year old daughter pleads with me not to go to her dad’s house as does my 12 year old son. My daughter has been told (be her stepmother) she needs to lose a few pounds (remember, she’s 9!) Our pediatrician has NEVER mentioned her weight as an issue during routine physicals. My daughter is not a tiny, wispy girl but is a tall, athletic one who enjoys many sports. She has been insulted countless times by this woman and dreads going to be with her dad because of this. Her dad refuses to believe anything that any of my children have told him about his new wife. It is no cliche - I have never met a woman as nasty as their step-mom. I find it unfortunate that their dad needed to be married so badly that he has thrown his kids under the bus to fulfill his own shortcomings. I have been in a relationship for several years with a wonderful man. My children have NO issues with him. I have had NO issues with his boys. He has an ex-wife. She and I have NEVER had any harsh words between us. You tell me, where is the problem in this picture. My children’s step mom has everyone swirling in her evil vortex. It’s no stereotype - sometimes step parents can be downright mean. It’s a shame how people will treat other people’s children. Sick, really.
Dear ‘Stepmum’: I completely agree that not all stepmothers are toxic. I know some wonderful stepmothers who are fully responsible for raising strong, amazing human beings. But in no way does the author of this piece mention that all stepmothers are the same; he also points out that the behaviour mentioned is as true of some biological mothers. He’s discussing a certain type of stepmother, which I, like many others on here, have grown up with. I’m sorry about your stepson and that behaviour is totally unacceptable. But the idea of ‘difficult stepchildren’ is true in some cases (like yours) and used as a label in others for step-parents to abscond themselves from any kind of responsibility.
My father left for another woman when I was 7. We never really discussed the issues surrounding his choice to leave - a fact which has continued throughout our relationship (I’m now 21). My mother was understandably devastated, and was treated appallingly. She told us probably too much information about my father’s behaviour, especially since I was a tiny child at the time, and of course children of divorce feel like they should ’side with the mother’, particularly when that mother’s been badly treated.
My stepmother either ignored us completely or made life unnecessarily difficult throughout our childhood and adolescence. Her son (3 at the time, now 18) was vile to my brother (5 then, 20 now) as they grew up - he’d bully him to the point of my brother coming home in tears and locking himself in his room for hours, then she’d tell my dad that my brother (the shyest kid you’ve ever met) was horrible to her son, he’d then complain to my mother that she was poisoning us against my stepmother and her son, and the three of us would feel intimidated and like there was no getting out of the whole mess. My mother learnt quickly not to respond to it and to advise us to essentially keep our heads held high and not give them any kind of satisfaction. We did, but I remember being angry throughout my childhood, especially having to watch this happen every time we visited while my dad stood by and did nothing.
She was relatively OK to me in comparison until I became a teenager - then she’d ignore me, complain about me, and on occasion lie. For example, I asked my dad in front of her if I could maybe see him more than once a fortnight: mysteriously my mother got an email from him five days later detailing all the awful things I’d done to her, none of which were remotely true, and how if it continued I wouldn’t be allowed to go there at all. I remember being in floods of tears, and my mother replied with as polite an email as she could muster telling my father that I’d denied these allegations and she was choosing to believe me. He knew I’d seen the email, yet never mentioned it again.
We were included on some family holidays, but they took a couple of trips a year with her kids and not us. We heard about these trips in detail. Her kids were bought designer clothes, sent to expensive schools and allowed to do whatever they wanted; I don’t begrudge that as she earns good money, but there seemed to be no understanding that my brother and I went to a bad state school, had weekend jobs and were raised understanding that everyone has different levels of wealth. Her oldest son in particular (her younger one, my half-brother, has remarkably turned into a sweet kid) has been unbelievably rude and cruel to me and my brother throughout us growing up; we went on a trip to scatter my uncle’s ashes in 2010 and he spent the entire time complaining, calling us names and generally being so vile that I called my mother twice in the trip crying my eyes out.
I was a bit of a misfit at school - quiet, nerdy and not very pretty or secure in myself. She’s incredibly glamorous and never seemed to like me, which dented my self confidence and self esteem in a way that meant most of my teenagerhood was spent feeling sad. Some stepkids rebel and are naughty, rude or violent. Don’t get me wrong, I was never particularly chatty with her, but a lot of this was down to a deep-rooted feeling of not being liked, of being too scared to do anything in case my dad took her side, and of being a painfully awkward child! I remember making her cups of tea and babysitting for free, but I was always labelled the bad, naughty stepchild who made her life difficult and didn’t like her. My dad always took her side. As a child, you believe you don’t question adults; they’re right and you’re wrong, so if you’re given a label like that, you believe it. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past and have always struggled with low self-esteem and self-confidence.
Things got worse when I went to uni - she made it more and more difficult for me to stay there, resulting in her and my dad trying to set up a meeting with me to establish ground rules for ‘how often I could go there and how I behaved’. That uni holiday I had visited for 9 days over a total of 12 weeks. Throughout visits she’d completely ignore me, never ask about how uni was going and make it so difficult for me to stay that I began to hate it; I only went to spend time with my half-brother. My dad would ask me on the phone how long I was intending to stay for, which made me feel like an unwanted imposition; it was one of the factors which ended up in me seeing a counsellor in my first year of uni. Even she said she didn’t know why I put up with my stepmother’s behaviour and that I deserved better. It gave me the courage, after this talk of a meeting before I started my third year, to email my dad and say that while I wanted to see him and my little brother, I no longer wanted to see her or be a part of her family.
That was 14 months ago. I’ve moved to the city and I’m trying to start a career. I know that despite everything I could never do what she’s done, and that makes me feel that I’m going to grow into a person who’s OK. I don’t regret walking away; I do want to say to other stepkids that the author’s right. Be patient, your step-parent doesn’t have to have control over you forever, and no matter how bad things seem or how bad you feel you and only you have control of your future. The best revenge IS a great life, and anyone who’s had to deal with similar issues from a parent or a step-parent is going to be stronger, more sure of right and wrong and more able to fight to get there. Hang in there.
OMG I have NEVER commented on anything but I am in the midst of yet ANOTHER horrible night b/c of my stepmom and her power over my blind, retarded father. she’s currently giving me the silent treatment and I just tried googling what to do and this popped up. it’s like you’ve been living inside my head. Bravo sir, take it from us all victims that you have said nothing wrong and I’m sry to the good stepmoms who were offended, I do realize it must not be an easy position to be in but trust me, this is our YOUTH, we are lost and scared and figuring everything out for the first time. I’d rather step into an uneasy position at your age then have some evil woman forced upon me at the age I did with no control whatsoever over anything. Stay strong as I am trying so hard to. the worst part is that no relatives really realize the severity of it. God bless you sir, keep up the good work. thank you from the bottom of my heart for providing a relief in knowing I’m not alone and it’s not in my head.
I’m sorry some stepmoms got offended, but this article is only about the EVIL ones. I have bent over backwards to get along with my stepmother. I tried to welcome her into our family. I have tried to be friendly. I have tried and tried and tried and tried. All I get in return is nasty comments, yelling, and temper-tantrums (she is a grown woman but acts like a 2 year old). The harder I tried to be nice, the more she saw me as “weak.” She insults my job, my hair, and my friends. She makes condescending remarks about me for being blond. She makes remarks about my career, saying I don’t make enough money. SHE doesn’t even HAVE a job!! But she manipulates my dad into spending his hard-earned money on designer clothes for her to wear. She manipulates him into buying her expensive jewelry and perfumes and then complains that the gifts aren’t enough. She is very materialistic. She is HORRIBLE. She doesn’t even have a JOB but she refuses to do any housework and just insults and complains about everything. When I used to live with them, she criticized the way I did dishes and laundry, but did she ever lift a finger??? No. She yells and screams and ruins family get-togethers. It is a night-mare. I am just about ready to give up on even having a relationship with my dad anymore, which breaks my heart. But I don’t know how to deal with her. She is so mean, I end up going home and crying after I am around them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my dad is already gone. He’s alive, but she has stolen him away, because she barely lets me see him anymore, and when I do get to see him, she poisons everything by making it clear how much she hates me. I feel like I don’t have a dad anymore and I can’t stop crying.
I also wanted to say thank you to the author of this article because he really understands how people feel in this kind of situation. At least I feel like I am not alone in this.
Ive had a stepdad (from a young age) and a step-mom (late twenties until currently *30’s).A good point to make is this article isnt about ALL step parents. My stepdad was incredible. I was a stepparent and although her father and I are no longer together she and I are still best of friends. My step-mother, on the other hand, is an evil, dark narcissistic monster! She wasnt like this until my sister was born (her daughter) and she knew she would get her hands on his money! She lies, she manipulates people and is EXTREMELY CONTROLLING! Why? because she can and she LOVES watching people hurt! My poor father is not in the best health and she is so aweful to him she keeps putting him in the hospital. He is going to have a heart attack! It isnt about STEP parents…it is about NARCISSISTS!!!!! My real mother was like this too (not AS much with me because I am the golden child). People tend to marry the same people over and over. I find the article to be VERY accurate and made me feel UNDERSTOOD! Thank you! Also, if you are so QUICK to assume that “Oh, that is horrid, it is the childs fault”…maybe you should be aware of a concept called PROJECTION and look in the MIRROR!!!
This is a surefire way to inspire more hatred towards a stepmother who has genuinely tried to make a successful blended family work and truly loves her new husband. The author is obviously bitter and immature and hates and disrespects women, because not all remarriages result in the stepmothers being gold-diggers. You should be ashamed of yourself, get a life!
There are good moms and bad moms. There are good stepmoms and bad stepmoms…and everything in between in both cases. Life is a continuum. This article is only about the bad stepmoms, and it resonates with far too many stepdaughters and stepsons here to be off-base.
I was in college when my dad remarried. My mom had died a few years earlier. He was over-the-top “in love” and his second wife was given control over everything. And she seized it. It helped a lot that my dad was an alcoholic.
Three of her four children moved into the house. I was told to find my own housing. She sold all of my mother’s belongings and bought extravagantly for herself and her children. Nothing was good enough for them, despite the fact that they were dirt poor when she married my dad and everything they were spending was his money. When her daughter and I both became engaged around the same time, they paid for every penny of her huge gaudy wedding and told me to go to h***. And there were so many other things that happened like that. When my son was born, they told me they really did not care. If I wanted to travel several hours and bring the baby to them, they might be able to spare me half an hour. Growing up in my family of origin was extremely abusive in every way as it was and my father’s marriage to her was just the icing on the cake that sent me off into adulthood totally broken.
I can EASILY relate to this story. My biological mother, and father had similar, passive personalities; and came from broken homes. When they divorced - they ended up marrying essentially the same person - loud, type-a, controlling, unattractive, insecure people.
So I can relate to this article.
I recommend this: keep your head down, turn 18, and get out of there. If you’re not quite 18 - I feel your pain, too. I recommend: avoid home like the plague, try and find a relative/friend to live with, and if you must live with them - give them absolutely zero emotional gratification.
As a teenager it is very difficult to realize the how and why of it all. And I agree with a poster above it doesn’t get better once you will realize because it’s a whole new set of issues to deal with. However, this was a great article. In response to options to deal with the stress the author is not far off.
As an adult who was an abused child in this sort of situation, I am currently dealing with my choice #2. Seems that option #1 did not work so as an adaptable creature the human is #2 was a way to manage. Wouldn’t you know that is the newest reason I’ve been ousted in my family by my stepmother- from childhood lies and manipulations to balance situations and her moods, to be a peacemaker for my own sanity.
Granted these doings were 15 years ago! But every word and action is still being compared to and accused to when I was a teen. I haven’t lied in years and am a completely open person. Let me tell you this- if someone is looking for a reason they’ll find it. If someone doesn’t want to see something they won’t. The hardest part of it all is maintaining your true identity through it all.
But please don’t get discouraged. Stay honest to yourself and keep your perspectives on the situation realistic. If you are a child please speak to a school counselor or priest. If youre an adult find the same! Running away for them or the situation is only temporary and believe me it will return in one way or another and affect your life and those who really truly love and accept you with predjudice and judgment. Please learn not to take away from the good people in your life by only focusing on the bad.
The dance with anger is an excellent starter book to bring relationship patterns and your part in continuing the cycle to light. Good luck. And wish you all peace in your hearts.
Matthew 21:18-35
If a man marries a woman such as women described here and allows the mistreatment of his child for no other reason than than the woman he married is disturbed or greedy?Or because he wants his needs met at the expense of his children?
It’s the fault of the Father,the Parent.
He is responsible for his children until they leave his home or until the age of majority.He is the one who allows his children to be robbed of Mom’s things and family fortune..This article sounds like a Grim’s tale or Disney film.
Why not tell the youngsters to seek help from a guidance counselor,minister or priest,the authorities?No child deserves abuse and encouraging lies,devious behavior..is that really good advice?So,to get ahead in life you must lie,deceive,manipulate?Are you serious,Ben?
How about a good education so you can leave your Fathers home,support yourself and acquire your own fortune or comfortable life?And learn from your parents poor choices?Break the cycle in your own life.Get therapy if needed to achieve these things and heal?Not,learn to become a devious,lying manipulator because your Daddy is a loser and his wife is a greedy hag?
If Your Dad can’t be considerate enough to protect his child, draw a will,hand over Mom’s things on his own accord before the marriage or move in of another woman takes place,etc the fault lies with Dad.Same for any woman allowing her husband to do the same to her children from previous marriage and not taking care of her business.
I’ll be honest..I don’t like my husbands kids much and am a midlife second wife.They have given me reasons(valid)not to but I do understand they are hurting.That hurt was not caused by me but by their parents years before I became involved.I wish it were different.
I back off so they can spend time alone with their Father.I never speak ill of their Mom(LIVING).I would never begrudge them of sentimental or family items.
I’ve worn myself out trying to accommodate their high expectations and neurosis when we have the honor of their presence..
You’d think I was guarding Fort Knox with rifle in one hand ,poison apple in the other and state their Mom is chewed gum on the bottom of my shoe regularly in their presence due to the behavior they display at times.
And they are paranoid over Daddy’s items,needlessly.
You know what?My husband loves it I believe.It gives him an ego boost to see the kids and wifey worry and sit and spin.In the meantime he refuses to see an attorney and get his affairs in order so the fears will be resolved for all involved and life can be lived peaceably..Sick,huh?
Sometimes the hard feelings between children and current wife is because the Father creates contention the children have no idea about with wife.Plays both sides against the middle.Creates contention the wife has no idea about when he complains to his children when the waters get rough in marriage causing resentment and judgement.
You should address the Father may also be a bully in addition to a love blinded fool.Or an immature man who feeds off this type of attention and dynamic to fulfill his own twisted needs.
The author is right not all steps are monsters.
Not all stepchildren are blameless victims either.Some become perpetual victims though because they choose it instead of seeking help.
I’m sure these types of women exist but really this article should be titled “Don’t let a worthless Father ruin your life.”
Point the finger of blame at the TRUE SOURCE instead of perpetuating Cinderella,Snow White and Parent Trap.
Your Father is the one who chose her(Toxic or resisted stepmom) and stays.Blame him.Talk to someone who can help or remove you from the home of your Father if you are a minor and are truly abused.If you are an adult,get help to heal.
Don’t allow yourself to be stuck in victim-hood…as Anonpost said if you don’t seek help to heal, it will affect your life and other relationships.Such as your own marriage some day and children.
If you are an Adult and removing yourself from them is in the best interest of your mental health..do it.It’s not running away it’s self preservation.Is Dad’s money,items,choices of companions,etc worth your health and happiness?Is it worth your integrity?
Your Dad made choices.You can also make choices that will affect you long after you are out from under Dad’s roof.Choose well.
BTW,Both my parents were stepchildren.They still complain and carry burdens due to hurt from their step parents who are both long dead.They are in their 70’s.Neither place any blame on their PARENTS.They just complain about dead people to this day and I get the pleasure of hearing it often(it gets old)…not worth it.
My Father asked me if I minded him remarrying when I was 8. Just 2 years after losing my Mum. They met because I found a little girlfriend who invited me alone to her birthday party. We became very close as she’d gone through her parents messy divorce. I became friends with her brother too. Being an only child I’d always fantasised about having siblings and was over joyed, even though I had to give up my bedroom and share my Dad and home. Things soon turned dark as my now step sister and I were banned from being togther and my stepmother continued a regime of abuse against me for 8 years till my Father, exhausted with her hair brained business plans and having to return to labouring work at age 50+, died. Orphaned at 16 she kicked me out, caused my Dad to disown his crippled Mother with parkisons disease and turned my family and Dad’s friends against me with her lies. It was only for my good friends family’s charity that I didn’t end up on the streets. I continued with education and got an IT diploma - all through my 20’s I enjoyed life, work and had good relationships. However now I’m 37 and child abuse is now spoken about I’m wracked with feelings of vengence and hatred. Also disbelief and dismay that an adult can be so evil to an innocent. I now feel I can’t have a family of my own and I’m unable to face the posibility of the cycle of abuse coming back into my life. I’ve suffered anxiety disorder and depression recently. It makes me so angry when “experts” on here talk about “generalisations” well I don’t think all this talk of “instinctive genetic placement of their own offspring” is any excuse for victimising children. These actions are as immoral as a man’s destructive instinct for promiscuity in our society but it seems women can be much more insidiously and calculatingly evil than men and get away with it. I lost everything to this septic woman’s insecurities and ego and I doubt I will ever trust womankind with a family of my own. I also feel that my family and society generally have sorely let me down while she has walked away with the house that my Mother bought with my Father - all her and my Fathers posessions. I tried to have a relationship with my half sister by her but despite having many things in common and becoming close again she felt unable to bretray her by seeing me. BEN IS BANG ON with his article - naysayers on here haven’t had to live through the pain of broken families. I will never forget the look of satisfaction on her face as she forced, sat and watched my Dad whip my bare arse with a leather belt and her telling me that I should be glad my Mothers dead as her kids had their Dad walk out alive and didn’t want to see them often - which was a lie as she wouldn’t let him see them very often anyway. Incidentally I haven’t forgiven my dead Father for betraying me or my dead Mothers memory either, and my Step-half siblings for letting me down and letting it all happen. My step sister, in her defence, did come to an actual slapping match with her Mother over my abuse one time, but was forced to shut up. It’s comforting to know there are others who have suffered similarly and survived. Love and Good luck to you all!! To the “experts” who think they have these lofty PC opinons but have never experienced abuse - jog on!!!
When I read this article, I swore the author (Ben) was writing about my life.
When I was 14, my father married a beautiful women who is fifteen years younger than my Dad, and who has three daughters. My Dad was so excited to have a beautiful wife he could parade around because he was a very successful business man. I was excited to because my real mom had behavioral health issues and abondoned my brother and myself.
She and her three daughters moved into our house. She quit her job, brought in huge debt, refused to sign a prenup, hired a maid, and proceeded to spend my Dad’s money on her and her kids on tons of high end items (rolex’s, furs, etc). She harrassed my Dad constantly about kicking my brother (16) out of the house because he was a “slob”. She would spray lysol on my chair after I stood up - but never in front of my father. She wouldn’t let her daughters use the same bathroom as me after she found out I had a bladder infection - telling everyone I was dirty and she was afraid her daughters would catch a disease from me. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house. I was completely demoralized and decided to pick myself up by my bootstraps and make something of myself.
I went to college and to graduate school. I worked very hard, became a successful business women, married a great guy and now I have three wonderful children.
At every step of the way, my stepmonster tried to cause harm to me and my family any way she could. She would verbally attack me and when I defended myself, she would flip things around, calling me the aggressor and poor her is being victimised. I constantly walked on egg shells because if I did one little thing wrong - BAM! Excuse to make me look bad.
We were never invited to their house and they lived five miles from us. When we called, she checked caller ID and never picked up the phone. She never called us, never sent a card, never asked about us. She could not pick my kids out of line-up because even at family holiday’s she completley ignored us. When we went to their house to help my Dad with chores, she would never come out of her first floor bedroom. Even my ten year old son new she heard us (he calls her my Fake Grandma). All the while, my Dad ignored her treatment, pretended like it’s perfectly normal, condemmed me if I said anyhthing about it.
My father is now close to death and in his weak state, she has manipulated him into giving her a very cherished (and very valuable) asset he has promised me all of my life. He was in the process of giving it to me (told me don’t let her find out) when she found out. She told him that if he did, she would not take care of him when he got sick. I was very sad but realized the difficult position he was in. Then, out of the blue, he called me and told me that if I sold my lake house with proof of sale (and at a significant loss right now), he would give me the asset. HUGH?? It was like her words were comiing out of his mouth. Nothing he said made any sense and he said it with such anger.
I realized that she had taken over his mind. I was so incredibly hurt by how he treated me. He is her puppet now. I have not called him and he has not called me since.
I now realized that he is not an innocent party to the abuse. He married her without thought of how she treated us, turned his head to her cruetly, never stood up to her, and let her use him as her weapon. I have a good idea that I am cut out of the will now - but I realize there is nothing I can do about it. She is in his ear 24/7 telling him what a selfish, self-centered daughter I am and that his money should go to her daughters - who are now alcoholics (2/3)and close to being on welfare because they refuse to work. I am scared he is going to die and this is the way it will end. But I just can’t bring myself to take another verbal beating.
I can completely empathize with all of the other people who wrote about their evil parents - it hurts like he** and I don’t think you ever get over it. It haunts my thoughts constantly. I am hoping the author is right and that someday, this pain will go away.
Once a ‘meanie’ always a ‘meanie’. People don’t change. If they have it in them to be mean to the children of the man they supposibly love, they will always have that ability (to be an absolutly horrid,lowethsome, mean person). Don’t expect a happy ending or your dad to magically have his eyes opened one day-still waiting for that and have been for over thirty years! Sad to say but its true-i don’t know why men can be so blindly stupid-but they are-they’re f—–g idiots. There should be a law against these kind of stepmoms and you should be able to sew for damages!!! Some wounds never heal…especially when you are still having to bend over and take it with your best manners, in order to be in your dads life, or to try to have him be in the life of your children-(his grandchildren). Nothing like putting up with the same disrespect from the women that (lets be honest)if she could would wish you into nonexistence the moment she met your dad and found out of your annoying existence. She’s one mean,lady, as vindictive, manipulative and coniving as lucifer himself can create. Full of all the most toxic, poison,destructive emotions, thoughts and personality traits, that one person can embody. Who can protect the impressionable child, placed in her aim? The child who looks up to them as a role model, an authority figure, a person they can trust whom will protect them, the person who is to be your fathers love, his wife, another mother to you– who can protect a child against someone with that kind of power over them???? Maybe themselves if their soul is stronge enough-if they survive their childhood-but remember if its up to her (the step mom) she will sabotage them into self destruction with her malicious, full of pure hate, most inner wishes, that she secretly harbors inside her mind, heart and soul-against the children of the man that she supposibly loves, her husband. She embodies everything that the bible says is the opposite of love; jealousy, envy, wrath, self serving, proud, etc…..A person cannot have these emotions inside them and love at the same time. Be afraid for your father because he is with a very dangerous woman, the worst kind-She will kill and betray him with a kiss-like Judas did to Christ, for whatever gold she can get- Keep your children away from her-she would do the same to them as she did or tried to do to you-protect your children from the woman that your father did not, and will not protect you from-his wife,your STEPMOTHER!
I have a stepmother and she is so manipulating.
She has allways been mean to me! Also she hates my grandparents and one of my aunties. My grandmother and auntie know how she is, they know how manipultaing she is thowards my dad.
When i first met her she was really kind and i liked her! (she has two kids). Wich meant that i got two play buddies so i was glad she moved in. Her daughter is two years younger than me and her son is four years older than me. I can’t really remember when she started to dislike me so much. I was kind to her kids. (but yeah, all children fight sometimes!) So i won’t deny that it was a little fighting.. My Dad and my stepmother started fighting early in their relationship. And my dad has a really bad temper so it was alot of screaming and things that was being thrown around the house. (He would never hit her of course!) Because of her my dad never eats dinner with his parents when they invite my dad (or both of them). My dads parents live 5 min away from us too. And the only reason she dislike my grandparents so much is because my grandmother told her that it was inappropriate to wear a black wedding dress, that it would be like she was attending her own funeral or something.. My stepmother never smiles to me or anything! I remember when i was five years old? maybe. I allways tried to make her laugh or smile by doing hilarious things. And she starts to fight with my dad because i am staying at their house for two days. And if i get mad at anyone she allways say things like ”Have you taken your medication?” ( Yes, i have ADHD). But saying stuff like that is rude! My doctor has told my parents that they should never say things like that. It’s okay to ask me if i remembered to take my medicine. But my stepmother says it in a way that you know that she is trying to be disgusting and awful thowards you. My stepsister also let me borrow her clothes sometimes. We are the same size so we borrow eachother’s clothes. And i remember i forgot to give back a pair of jeans to her. So my stepmother texted my mom, and she was also very rude to my mom in those text messages. Both me and mom thought it was really childish and stupid that my stepmother got mad at her.. My dad never gets mad at her for being big-mouthed. But if i starts to get big-mouthed thowards her he reacts immediately! Also he is treating my stepsister like a daughter more than his real daughter.
Also i remember that if i went out shopping with her and her kids she allways bought them ice cream and candy. And i used too ask if i could get ice cream too. Her answer was allways ”Don’t you have a mother yourself that can buy you things? I am not your mother!”
Finally Said told it like it is. Until you have had a cruel stepmother or stepfather you do not know what these children have to go through. Often these children are small children scared for their lives. The laws do not protect these children like they should. I know all of this because my grandchildren have to endure all of this cruelity from their stepmom and stepbrothers. they are three and six years old. They have been abused and their father does not believe them. Now tell me you don’t agree with the man who wrote this article. My babies are suffering and the will not protect them.
I am an adult who fortunately for me never had to live with Dad’s new wife. She drove my sister, and brother out of my fathers life.I held on putting up with her until my father didn’t remember who I was anymore. My father had Alzheimer’s. When I visited last he asked me who I was. Then he asked her why she didn’t tell him he had a son. Before that we talked every week on the phone. She conveniently kept him on the other side of the country. He recently passed. I found out two weeks after he passed from a letter from his attorney. She ran an obituary naming her entire family as survivors and left his children completely out.
I am taking the high road by not retaliating or letting her know that she was able to hurt me. She also reduced me in his will and got him to write my Sibling out. She truly is evil and knows it. I will make sure I get what I can if I have to hire an attorney. I know not all step mothers are bad, but the ones I have known are completely self absorbed and sound just like Ben described.
i understand how many stepmothers may feel hurt by this article. i have both a stepfather and a stepmother (which makes my mom a stepmother for my stepfather’s sons), and i fully understand that not ALL stepparents are treacherous or malicious. My own stepfather is one of the most loving, caring and understanding people I have ever met, and even though my father is still alive, my stepdad treats me like his own daughter.
I have, however, the misfortune of having a toxic stepmother, exaclty as portrayed, and this article has really been helpful. I have finally undertsood why I spontaneously chose to step away, even though it makes me feel guilty sometimes for not being with my father as much and i should and would have liked to. even though the choice of words may have been a bit harsh, the “dissembling” part pretty much saved my self-esteem and possibly part of my future..
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