Toxic parents can make your life miserable, especially if you’re still trying to win their approval or if you think you must see them during the holidays.
Most people can call it quits with bullying lovers, end false friendships and divorce abusive spouses. But stopping bullying by toxic parents seems more difficult. And it’s even harder if there were one or two loving moments or you think you owe them for feeding you.
Too many therapists won’t show their shock and dismay at the abuse and will encourage adult children to keep interacting with toxic parents in the name of something called “family.” See, for example, the article by Dr. Richard Friedman in the New York Times.
I disagree.
I’ve seen adult children put up with continual criticism, hostility and anger; even being told by parents that they wish the child had never been born or would die. Some parents still remind their adult children that they’re never good enough and that they’ll be failures forever. Some parents make it clear that the other siblings are better in every way and more deserving of love. Often, the sarcasm, criticism, harassment and hostility are public, as if there’s a real intention to cause embarrassment and emotional pain.
Even worse for these abused adults is the thought that they’ll have to take care of those rotten parents when they get old and dementia makes them even worse.
Yet many adults accept the negativity, abuse and verbal torture. They endure the stress, discouragement, low self-esteem and depression that usually accompany repeated brutality. Some even internalize those hostile voices and beat themselves even when their parents aren’t present.
I think that a key sign of becoming an independent adult is deciding what criteria you’ll use for who you allow on your island. If you believe that family of birth is crucial because that’s the way you were raised or because you think that will get you a star in your crown in heaven or because you think family will be the only ones to take care of you when you need, then you’ve given up control of your island. You’ve decided to allow your island to be polluted by endless abuse and your spirit to be crushed if someone wants to.
On the other hand, suppose you decide to create an island that supports your emotional and spiritual life. Now you’re in charge of your life. Now you can demand good behavior before anyone gets on your island. Now you’ve created space to find the right people to populate your island. Now you’re a truly independent adult.
Now your tactics with your bullying parents are straightforward. You tell them, as sweetly and firmly as you can, how they must behave and what they may not do if they want to see or hear from you. You follow through with the natural consequences of leaving abusive situations, hanging up the phone, or not walking into the valley of punishment during the holidays. Your toxic parents have free will and choice.
Notice, I haven’t said anything about long-term, in depth psychoanalysis of toxic parents. That’s a secondary consideration. Since these bullies typically think they’re right and don’t need to change, they don’t examine themselves or they stay in therapy forever instead of changing. It’s not about whether they love you; it’s about how they love you.
Usually, I see more change stimulated when children stand up effectively to abusive parents. That may start the toxic parents on a path toward acting more loving.
I’ve seen many parents, when confronted by not seeing their children or grandchildren or when they know that their abused children are enjoying life without them, finally change how they treat their children.
Of course, sometimes toxic parents don’t change. But that’s not the goal of standing up to them. The goal is having an island that’s not polluted by toxic people, but instead is a paradise for your heart and spirit.
As to the fears that you’ll go through life alone and unloved; that’s nonsense. People with wonderful islands attract other people who want to be with them, who make their hearts and spirits sing. And you’ll have more money because you won’t be wasting it on therapy. And you’ll be setting a wonderful example for your children.
If you want the love and approval of older people, accept that you won’t get that from toxic birth parents. Go get it from people who have the good taste to caress your spirit, not to abuse it.
You can also remove toxic siblings, relatives and supposed friends from your island if they don’t change.
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Resource cited: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?_r=1&emc=tnt&tntemail0=y
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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5 users commented in " Stop Bullying by Toxic Parents "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a Trackbacki had a tire blow out on the highway last week while i was driving my mother’s car. it’s a wonder i didn’t get killed as i lost complete control of the car and flew into the other lane uncontrollably. when i called my family to tell them about it, they got mad. after waiting an hour and forty five minutes, a tow truck finally came. but my mother and brother told me that i had to find my own way home. i could have easily been killed and they did not care. after 39 years of my family’s abuse, i decided i had had enough. my grandmother and uncle were also a very toxic combination. this toxicity seems to run in the family.
however, my mother is not in great physical condition. she just had a hip replacement. coupled with a bad knee, and a broken arm, it’s been a rough few months. i stepped in to help take care of her after another family broohaha and yet this was how i got treated. so i did some searching online about toxic parents and toxic families and read this article: Stop Bullying by Toxic Parents
i come from a christian background where we are taught to ‘honor our father and mother’. a scripture my mother often spews at me. she got divorced when we were young and financially had a very difficult time. she made a lot of sacrifices to keep our family fed and to raise us. yet another reason why i always felt obligated. but the sad thing is, she really doesn’t realize how she acts until i have to get angry and tell her. her self righteousness coupled with my brother’s arrogance are a bad combination. she has spent much time tearing me down and spreading lies and rumors about me that were far from the truth.
after this tire incident, i informed her i would not be spending xmas with her and my brother. i also told her to feel free to return my presents, i sent this article to her. i now no longer feel obligated to her in any way. it’s amazingly freeing. maybe now i can finally conquer my bipolar depression since they won’t be in my lives to constantly gang up on me, tear me down, blame me for evertything, and spread sick and twisted lies. i so found myself when the article mentioned people who beat themselves up even when others aren’t around to do it. i always told myself i’m worthless and must be a horrible person. now i know for certain that it’s NOT ME, it’s THEM!!!! ben, thanks for the article. it was truly a god send!!!
Hi Anonymous,
Good for you. And thank you for sharing your awakening. I get many coaching calls from Christian women wanting help to break away from those old rules that are used by family bullies to control them.
We each face the choice between creating our own lives or submitting to the “authority” that toxic parents claim. And they always have reasons to justify bullying us or to pull our heartstrings.
Only when we make up our own minds do we become truly mature and independent. An example of this is my blog post, “Getting over parents who wound their children,” at http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/#more-35
If you volunteer to be a martyr and serve your parents, do it with complete knowledge that they’ll never be grateful enough to change their behavior. They’ll never treat you with more respect, caring or appreciation. They’ll continue to manipulate using blame, guilt and shame.
See the case studies of Carrie, Kathy, Doug and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” Especially Carrie, whose mother used her past sacrifices to try to control her.
Please see the posts:
“What You Owe Toxic Parents”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/11/04/what-you-owe-toxic-parents/
And “Stop Bullies: Especially Toxic Parents,” at http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/11/04/stop-bullies-especially-toxic-parents/.
Now go create a family of your heart and spirit!
Best wishes,
Ben
Dr. Leichtling: Thank you so much for this article. I was very fortunate to have a therapist that encouraged me to end my toxic relationship with my mother. If not for my therapist, I don’t think it would have occurred to me to even attempt it. I too found it quite freeing and was able to finally enjoy Xmas for the FIRST TIME in my life. Unfortunately, my mother has chosen to not stay in touch with my children (her grandchildren) even though I absolutely told her she could call them anytime she wanted (as long as she didn’t practice her garbage on them of course). She has chosen not to for whatever reason. Luckily my children to have another grandmother who is the polar opposite of my mother and they benefit from that relationship a lot.
Anonymous, I just wanted to say that I too feel you’ve made the right move. I went through a similar incident with my mother when I was younger. I was in an accident with my cousin and although we were not injured, we were extremely shook by the incident. When I called my mother from the hospital to tell her that I’d been in an accident, her immediate response was “this is all I need” ….. I nearly dropped the phone in horror AND embarassment. Unfortunately it took me 20 more years to finally realize what the relationship was about but better late than never. I consider myself a somewhat intelligent person but I could not see what was going on and of course my mother did not show her “nasty” side to others. She saved it all for me
Stay true to yourself Anonymous. You will find people who will ask you how you can possibly cut off your mother. They will be aghast. Firstly, it is really none of their business … you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Secondly, they obviously haven’t gone through what you have so they can’t possibly relate. Good Luck!
Thank you again Dr. Leichtling. I am going to check out the links that you posted.
[…] Stop Bullying by Toxic Parents […]
I think my mother’s biggest fault was trying to force me into the role of being her best friend. She had no friends of her own, so she dumped all the family’s troubles on me. It started when we moved out of my grandmother’s home and it was just me and her. My sister had already fled, for her own reasons and my two brothers had other places to stay most of the time. My father was never around, though the two are still married to this day. So, it was just me and her and all of her troubles. I was seven and she would just dump all of her sob stories on me. Everything from problems in her marriage to her own abusive childhood.
It left me feeling like a burden, because of course, she told me the story of how she had hoped to leave my father once my brothers were old enough and just as she went to get the divorce filed, she found out she was pregnant with me. Of course, she never took responsibility by ever saying it took two to tango. She’d spend hours ranting about how we had no money, while chain smoking expensive cigarettes and watching full priced VHS tapes she was getting from some mail order club. Or she’d have a stack of brand new hardback books next to her on the table.
Though bright, I was still just a kid. Your mom is perfect and it can’t be her fault, so I put two and two together. Unwanted extra mouth to feed and no money equals my fault. I can actually look back at old report cards and year books and see the change in myself. I went from average student to super nerd. I went from most popular girl to biggest loser. I thought if I was perfect, it would help her out. I became a ghost. Never said a word. Never asked for anything. Never went out. Straight A+ report cards.
Most people would have killed to have a kid like me, yet she still managed to make me feel like dirt. I think she actually grew to resent me even more because I was so good. I forced her to face all her own faults. I was growing up poor, just like her, yet I was so together and had such a bright future. So, any genuine mistake I made, like dropping something on the floor, she would just explode. I was the only person she could scream at and I so seldom gave her the opportunity.
I’m 32 now and avoid her like the plague. I don’t miss her at all. I really don’t.
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