Toxic parents can make your life miserable, especially if you’re still trying to win their approval or if you think you must see them during the holidays.
Most people can call it quits with bullying lovers, end false friendships and divorce abusive spouses. But stopping bullying by toxic parents seems more difficult. And it’s even harder if there were one or two loving moments or you think you owe them for feeding you.
Too many therapists won’t show their shock and dismay at the abuse and will encourage adult children to keep interacting with toxic parents in the name of something called “family.” See, for example, the article by Dr. Richard Friedman in the New York Times.
I disagree.
I’ve seen adult children put up with continual criticism, hostility and anger; even being told by parents that they wish the child had never been born or would die. Some parents still remind their adult children that they’re never good enough and that they’ll be failures forever. Some parents make it clear that the other siblings are better in every way and more deserving of love. Often, the sarcasm, criticism, harassment and hostility are public, as if there’s a real intention to cause embarrassment and emotional pain.
Even worse for these abused adults is the thought that they’ll have to take care of those rotten parents when they get old and dementia makes them even worse.
Yet many adults accept the negativity, abuse and verbal torture. They endure the stress, discouragement, low self-esteem and depression that usually accompany repeated brutality. Some even internalize those hostile voices and beat themselves even when their parents aren’t present.
I think that a key sign of becoming an independent adult is deciding what criteria you’ll use for who you allow on your island. If you believe that family of birth is crucial because that’s the way you were raised or because you think that will get you a star in your crown in heaven or because you think family will be the only ones to take care of you when you need, then you’ve given up control of your island. You’ve decided to allow your island to be polluted by endless abuse and your spirit to be crushed if someone wants to.
On the other hand, suppose you decide to create an island that supports your emotional and spiritual life. Now you’re in charge of your life. Now you can demand good behavior before anyone gets on your island. Now you’ve created space to find the right people to populate your island. Now you’re a truly independent adult.
Now your tactics with your bullying parents are straightforward. You tell them, as sweetly and firmly as you can, how they must behave and what they may not do if they want to see or hear from you. You follow through with the natural consequences of leaving abusive situations, hanging up the phone, or not walking into the valley of punishment during the holidays. Your toxic parents have free will and choice.
Notice, I haven’t said anything about long-term, in depth psychoanalysis of toxic parents. That’s a secondary consideration. Since these bullies typically think they’re right and don’t need to change, they don’t examine themselves or they stay in therapy forever instead of changing. It’s not about whether they love you; it’s about how they love you.
Usually, I see more change stimulated when children stand up effectively to abusive parents. That may start the toxic parents on a path toward acting more loving.
I’ve seen many parents, when confronted by not seeing their children or grandchildren or when they know that their abused children are enjoying life without them, finally change how they treat their children.
Of course, sometimes toxic parents don’t change. But that’s not the goal of standing up to them. The goal is having an island that’s not polluted by toxic people, but instead is a paradise for your heart and spirit.
As to the fears that you’ll go through life alone and unloved; that’s nonsense. People with wonderful islands attract other people who want to be with them, who make their hearts and spirits sing. And you’ll have more money because you won’t be wasting it on therapy. And you’ll be setting a wonderful example for your children.
If you want the love and approval of older people, accept that you won’t get that from toxic birth parents. Go get it from people who have the good taste to caress your spirit, not to abuse it.
You can also remove toxic siblings, relatives and supposed friends from your island if they don’t change.
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Resource cited: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?_r=1&emc=tnt&tntemail0=y
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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25 users commented in " Stop Bullying by Toxic Parents "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a Trackbacki had a tire blow out on the highway last week while i was driving my mother’s car. it’s a wonder i didn’t get killed as i lost complete control of the car and flew into the other lane uncontrollably. when i called my family to tell them about it, they got mad. after waiting an hour and forty five minutes, a tow truck finally came. but my mother and brother told me that i had to find my own way home. i could have easily been killed and they did not care. after 39 years of my family’s abuse, i decided i had had enough. my grandmother and uncle were also a very toxic combination. this toxicity seems to run in the family.
however, my mother is not in great physical condition. she just had a hip replacement. coupled with a bad knee, and a broken arm, it’s been a rough few months. i stepped in to help take care of her after another family broohaha and yet this was how i got treated. so i did some searching online about toxic parents and toxic families and read this article: Stop Bullying by Toxic Parents
i come from a christian background where we are taught to ‘honor our father and mother’. a scripture my mother often spews at me. she got divorced when we were young and financially had a very difficult time. she made a lot of sacrifices to keep our family fed and to raise us. yet another reason why i always felt obligated. but the sad thing is, she really doesn’t realize how she acts until i have to get angry and tell her. her self righteousness coupled with my brother’s arrogance are a bad combination. she has spent much time tearing me down and spreading lies and rumors about me that were far from the truth.
after this tire incident, i informed her i would not be spending xmas with her and my brother. i also told her to feel free to return my presents, i sent this article to her. i now no longer feel obligated to her in any way. it’s amazingly freeing. maybe now i can finally conquer my bipolar depression since they won’t be in my lives to constantly gang up on me, tear me down, blame me for evertything, and spread sick and twisted lies. i so found myself when the article mentioned people who beat themselves up even when others aren’t around to do it. i always told myself i’m worthless and must be a horrible person. now i know for certain that it’s NOT ME, it’s THEM!!!! ben, thanks for the article. it was truly a god send!!!
Hi Anonymous,
Good for you. And thank you for sharing your awakening. I get many coaching calls from Christian women wanting help to break away from those old rules that are used by family bullies to control them.
We each face the choice between creating our own lives or submitting to the “authority” that toxic parents claim. And they always have reasons to justify bullying us or to pull our heartstrings.
Only when we make up our own minds do we become truly mature and independent. An example of this is my blog post, “Getting over parents who wound their children,” at http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/#more-35
If you volunteer to be a martyr and serve your parents, do it with complete knowledge that they’ll never be grateful enough to change their behavior. They’ll never treat you with more respect, caring or appreciation. They’ll continue to manipulate using blame, guilt and shame.
See the case studies of Carrie, Kathy, Doug and Jake in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” Especially Carrie, whose mother used her past sacrifices to try to control her.
Please see the posts:
“What You Owe Toxic Parents”
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/11/04/what-you-owe-toxic-parents/
And “Stop Bullies: Especially Toxic Parents,” at http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/11/04/stop-bullies-especially-toxic-parents/.
Now go create a family of your heart and spirit!
Best wishes,
Ben
Dr. Leichtling: Thank you so much for this article. I was very fortunate to have a therapist that encouraged me to end my toxic relationship with my mother. If not for my therapist, I don’t think it would have occurred to me to even attempt it. I too found it quite freeing and was able to finally enjoy Xmas for the FIRST TIME in my life. Unfortunately, my mother has chosen to not stay in touch with my children (her grandchildren) even though I absolutely told her she could call them anytime she wanted (as long as she didn’t practice her garbage on them of course). She has chosen not to for whatever reason. Luckily my children to have another grandmother who is the polar opposite of my mother and they benefit from that relationship a lot.
Anonymous, I just wanted to say that I too feel you’ve made the right move. I went through a similar incident with my mother when I was younger. I was in an accident with my cousin and although we were not injured, we were extremely shook by the incident. When I called my mother from the hospital to tell her that I’d been in an accident, her immediate response was “this is all I need” ….. I nearly dropped the phone in horror AND embarassment. Unfortunately it took me 20 more years to finally realize what the relationship was about but better late than never. I consider myself a somewhat intelligent person but I could not see what was going on and of course my mother did not show her “nasty” side to others. She saved it all for me
Stay true to yourself Anonymous. You will find people who will ask you how you can possibly cut off your mother. They will be aghast. Firstly, it is really none of their business … you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Secondly, they obviously haven’t gone through what you have so they can’t possibly relate. Good Luck!
Thank you again Dr. Leichtling. I am going to check out the links that you posted.
[…] Stop Bullying by Toxic Parents […]
I think my mother’s biggest fault was trying to force me into the role of being her best friend. She had no friends of her own, so she dumped all the family’s troubles on me. It started when we moved out of my grandmother’s home and it was just me and her. My sister had already fled, for her own reasons and my two brothers had other places to stay most of the time. My father was never around, though the two are still married to this day. So, it was just me and her and all of her troubles. I was seven and she would just dump all of her sob stories on me. Everything from problems in her marriage to her own abusive childhood.
It left me feeling like a burden, because of course, she told me the story of how she had hoped to leave my father once my brothers were old enough and just as she went to get the divorce filed, she found out she was pregnant with me. Of course, she never took responsibility by ever saying it took two to tango. She’d spend hours ranting about how we had no money, while chain smoking expensive cigarettes and watching full priced VHS tapes she was getting from some mail order club. Or she’d have a stack of brand new hardback books next to her on the table.
Though bright, I was still just a kid. Your mom is perfect and it can’t be her fault, so I put two and two together. Unwanted extra mouth to feed and no money equals my fault. I can actually look back at old report cards and year books and see the change in myself. I went from average student to super nerd. I went from most popular girl to biggest loser. I thought if I was perfect, it would help her out. I became a ghost. Never said a word. Never asked for anything. Never went out. Straight A+ report cards.
Most people would have killed to have a kid like me, yet she still managed to make me feel like dirt. I think she actually grew to resent me even more because I was so good. I forced her to face all her own faults. I was growing up poor, just like her, yet I was so together and had such a bright future. So, any genuine mistake I made, like dropping something on the floor, she would just explode. I was the only person she could scream at and I so seldom gave her the opportunity.
I’m 32 now and avoid her like the plague. I don’t miss her at all. I really don’t.
I have put up with a lot of abuse my entire life from my dad - not one once of support, not one “atta boy”nothing the beatings started at avery young age but the mental assaults and attacks on my self my sister and especially my mom were never ending.
My mom died 20 years ago and on her death bed she begged me not to abandon my father. After all he did to her - brow beating the self esteem right out of her and cheating on her constantly. Why she asked me this I don’t know — but for 20 years I forced myself to honor my promise.
Now after 30 + years of marriage I am tired of all the nasty things my father has said about me and my wife and his bullying.
I visited him to ask if he would refrain from making a few particular remarks in front of my wife. Feeling he was being accused — he flipped out and called me insane - then I brought up many examples of his bullying that I clearly remember from age 6 onward.
We haven’t spoken for a month. I wrote a dozen letters but until yesterday didn’t feel like any one was right. Some too heavy handed some too weak. So I worked on one with my wife and I want to send it. My sister has begged me not to send it because my dad is old alone and depressed enough.
I am afraid if something happens to him as a result of reading this - since he always makes himself out to be the victim and the persecuted - never stopping for a sec to think maybe there is a compromise or that he is at fault.
ANyway I want to send this note - but I have gone a bit soft - thought factually everything is 100% accurate in this note. Anyone want to talk me into sending this. I feel like I need to detox myself for the long run. But I do not want to be the cause of someone else’s hurt
n
I have put up with a lot of abuse my entire life from my dad - not one once of support, not one “atta boy”nothing the beatings started at avery young age but the mental assaults and attacks on my self my sister and especially my mom were never ending.
My mom died 20 years ago and on her death bed she begged me not to abandon my father. After all he did to her - brow beating the self esteem right out of her and cheating on her constantly. Why she asked me this I don’t know — but for 20 years I forced myself to honor my promise.
Now after 30 + years of marriage I am tired of all the nasty things my father has said about me and my wife and his bullying.
I visited him to ask if he would refrain from making a few particular remarks in front of my wife. Feeling he was being accused — he flipped out and called me insane - then I brought up many examples of his bullying that I clearly remember from age 6 onward.
We haven’t spoken for a month. I wrote a dozen letters but until yesterday didn’t feel like any one was right. Some too heavy handed some too weak. So I worked on one with my wife and I want to send it. My sister has begged me not to send it because my dad is old alone and depressed enough.
I am afraid if something happens to him as a result of reading this - since he always makes himself out to be the victim and the persecuted - never stopping for a sec to think maybe there is a compromise or that he is at fault.
ANyway I want to send this note - but I have gone a bit soft - thought factually everything is 100% accurate in this note. Anyone want to talk me into sending this. I feel like I need to detox myself for the long run. But I do not want to be the cause of someone else’s hurt
n
I have put up with a lot of abuse my entire life from my dad - not one once of support, not one “atta boy”nothing the beatings started at avery young age but the mental assaults and attacks on my self my sister and especially my mom were never ending.
My mom died 20 years ago and on her death bed she begged me not to abandon my father. After all he did to her - brow beating the self esteem right out of her and cheating on her constantly. Why she asked me this I don’t know — but for 20 years I forced myself to honor my promise.
Now after 30 + years of marriage I am tired of all the nasty things my father has said about me and my wife and his bullying.
I visited him to ask if he would refrain from making a few particular remarks in front of my wife. Feeling he was being accused — he flipped out and called me insane - then I brought up many examples of his bullying that I clearly remember from age 6 onward.
We haven’t spoken for a month. I wrote a dozen letters but until yesterday didn’t feel like any one was right. Some too heavy handed some too weak. So I worked on one with my wife and I want to send it. My sister has begged me not to send it because my dad is old alone and depressed enough.
I am afraid if something happens to him as a result of reading this - since he always makes himself out to be the victim and the persecuted - never stopping for a sec to think maybe there is a compromise or that he is at fault.
ANyway I want to send this note - but I have gone a bit soft - thought factually everything is 100% accurate in this note. Anyone want to talk me into sending this. I feel like I need to detox myself for the long run. But I do not want to be the cause of someone else’s hurt even if it is deserved
n
My father is in a nursing home with Parkinson’s disease. I just have to say this somewhere - I wish he would die. He has always been a selfish, self-involved person. All through my life (I’m 44 now) he has chain-smoked and talked non-stop; it’s not a conversation, it’s always a monlogue about himself. Anything said by me is ignored. He’s also been paranoid for years; he thinks people are spying on him and trying to trick him. He’s just a miserable person. No, he never hit me or abused me. But the emotional damage hurts. I’m still trying to get his attention and to please him.
I just want him to die. He’s 76 and not going to get better. And lucky me is the only one left to take care of him, as my only sibling, my brotehr, is in jail (need I say he is emotionally abusive to me also)? ARgggggghhhhhhhh! I want to stop being The Nice Girl. I won’t let me brother be in my life anymore; but I can’t do that with me fatherr. Just expedct less, if I can….
Norm–
Send the note to your father.
I think it will help you. And you are not responsible for other people’s feelings or reactions.
I wrote a letter to my brother recently saying that I want absolutely no contact with him at all. He went to prison recently for trying to molest a child. That was the breaking point. But it was really the 40 years of being nice to my brother while he constantly made rude and disrespectful comments to me that was the real problem. I finally decided, I don’t deserve to be treated that way, and I won’t let anyone be in my life who does treat me like that.
Good luck.
This might sound strangely simple, but I’ll share advice on what worked for me.
Walk into any situation with them with this simple mantra in your head, “You WILL show me respect!” Just imagine yourself as the Alpha Male/Female. No, don’t just imagine it - You ARE the Alpha!
When I started approaching my family with that in mind, the attitude toward me immediately changed. Never had to say a word, it was all in the way I carried myself. Abusive people tend to be cowardly people. They are far more afraid of you than you realize. Use it!
You’re likely the “good one” Use it to your advantage. I don’t flaunt it, but I also don’t hide my wealth or my achievements. I am not like them and I make sure they never get the chance to forget it.
I’d like to just dump my relatives out right, but I have a little adopted sister to keep an eye on and they will not force me out.
Give it a try, but I warn you that it won’t work if any part of you still wants to be their child or their friend. You are merely a fellow adult. Think of yourself as a business partner with a vested interest in what goes on, nothing more.
You deserve the same respect they’d give a stranger on the street. If they don’t give you that, you’ll take them down like you would some stranger giving you attitude on the street.
Having dealt with toxic parents for some 35+ years, keep in mind they can become very manipulative as they age and can no longer directly overpower you. My dad made it seems as though everything was finally resolved between us for the past decade plus.
Then when he fractured his hip and was incapacitated I discovered I had been totally disinherited. When I asked him why - his only response was that I had drifted away from him.
Note I was the one who always called him. He never called me. And I was the one who drove 200+ miles to visit him as he couldn’t drive on highways.
Don’t let yourself get sucked in by parents who finally realize they have to depend upon you but are saving their revenge for the day they die. Make sure you get everything in writing. You can’t trust toxic parents. They don’t have your best interests at heart.
THANK YOU PSY!
Psy said,
“Walk into any situation with them with this simple mantra in your head, “You WILL show me respect!” Just imagine yourself as the Alpha Male/Female.”
I have suffered continuously with an extremely toxic mother. I have put myself in harms way. For 25 years I lived 3 hours from her and called every Saturday morning - I dreaded it and the phone calls almost always ruined my day. I got divorced after 25 years and guess what I did - I moved back to my home town, next door to my mother. She has told me I was stupid my entire life - I guess this proved it!!!
Last August, we got into a fight over the way she treated me in front of family and friends at a restaurant. She told me I didn’t deserve to be treated with respect. Ever since, I have tried to adopt the mantra “I am an adult and YOU WILL SHOW ME RESPECT”. I’ve shocked her by walking out of family events - I’ve stood in her face and said “shut-up - you will not talk to me like that ever again” and walked away leaving her speechless. The anger within is so strong that I am afraid I will lose control and hit her - so I do whatever I can to stay away from her. Most of my mother’s children (and all of her grandchildren) don’t have anything to do with her. My younger sister and I look in on her and have had the responsibility to take care of her. My sister deals with it better than me and constantly begs me to let it “roll off my back”. But I tell her, I can’t anymore.
I don’t want to be like everyone else and block her completely out of my life but it may come down to that. I am currently reading the book “Toxic Parents” and considering going to counseling (an expense I really can’t afford). I feel like we have reached a point where we, together, go to a therapist and learn to love each other, or I move on with my life without her.
I recently took away her house key (which my sister says hurt her deeply) and I am looking for a new place to live, on the other side of town.
“I AM AN ADULT AND YOU WILL TREAT ME WITH RESPECT!!”
Thanks Ben for providing me with a place to vent.
I’ve recently graduated from college, a goal that has taken ten years to finally accomplish. I thought for once it was going to be a joyous occasion, but my divorced parents were going to be in town at the same time.
Needless to say I was anxious the whole time and the situation actually caused me to be physically ill. Although I am thankful for my dad, I have never had a good relationship with my mom. I invited her last minute out of respect with a sliver of hope that maybe this one time they can find a way to be somewhat civil. That didn’t happen, they of course had to bring up their divorce the whole time. I spent the whole time trying to keep them separated.
I’m almost 30 years old and have come to the decision that my relationship with my mother is too toxic. The years of abuse she’s caused the family is just too much. I’ve spent so much time trying to reconcile and forgive but every time she’s around there is a haze of negativity. She’s apologized once, but has a habit of bad mouthing my dad and making excuse for herself. I’ve reached a point where I know when I get married she won’t be invited. I’ve made it clear to her that I refuse to be the referee in their situation. I’m an adult now and I refuse to live in the shadow of my parents bad choices. I’m old enough to understand the situation and young enough to still live my own life with the people that I love and who have always loved me.
Well, another blowup with my toxic parents…. When am I going to stop being vulnerable around them because they only use it against me. Whenever I try to stand up to them they go on about how nasty I am to them and how much they have done for me. I’m in my early 30s now and they’re never going to accept any responsibility at all. Apparently, though in my life I had a stress breakdown at 21, was sexually assaulted at 18 and have changed career 3 times in my 20s due to being bullied at work, as well as forced to move home due to a bad neighbour, I don’t know what stress is… I’m sick of being constantly disrespected, invalidated and gaslighted. God forbid if I ask for their help because they’ll throw their help back in my face in a later argument. They scoff at the websites like this that I visit for support and laugh at the books I read. They’re probably reading this now… They’re so toxic, as I stormed out of their car just now a little girl of about 6 with her friend was pointing and laughing, hurling ‘fat’ insults at me. I chastised her and told her to learn some respect. My parents actually told *me* off for saying something and said I should just ignore her! Excuse me? Where was their support for me? Would they prefer a daughter like that? That little brat can’t be allowed to behave like that, we’re doing her no favours by ignoring her bad attitude, let alone me! What sort of adults are we if we let kids hurl insults at random people like that? No wonder society is going downhill if that’s the previous generation’s attitude! I’m sick of their warped way of looking at the world, I’m sick of my life meaning nothing, no matter what I do I’ll never be respected as a proper adult by them. They won’t look in the mirror and see how toxic they are & I’m tired of it. I feel sick, tearful, depressed and I hate that this has happened again but I know that I have to face reality & stop pretending that we get on. I have little in common with them, we aren’t seeing eye to eye and I have to create some distance with them, things are better that way.
Hi everyone, thank you all for sharing your stories and a huge thank you to the people who keep this blog site.
Today, after being “on-line” for so many years I finally searched “I think my mother hates me.” I feel silly having thought I was so alone in this. Turns out I’m not alone. Unfortunately.
My mother had a very tough life and with this she justified everything. I finally gave up on her when I noticed that her attitude and reaction to my siblings had changed. It is now caring and good, but she continued to be mean to me.
Me giving up was not an easy thing. It took me years to do. During the process I gained 30 lbs., quit my job, was suicidal, and didn’t want to talk with anyone.
I’ve had the feeling that my mother needs to have someone ’sacrificed’ or ‘tortured’ at all times in order for the rest of the family to be ok.
I remember reading a short story back in high school in which a society was next to perfect and everyone was happy so long as they had a child locked up in a cage. I have been that child for my mother for the past 15 years.
Before me was my older sister, but she left and had children. So that took her out of the cage and into a good position according to my mother.
I have not spoken to my mother in about a year. I have no plans to do so. No need. I am finally starting to feel well. Unfortunately, I have been observing my boyfriend’s mother and she seems to always ’shit’ on what her children say or do. Not as badly as my mother, but she is very persistent and negative. I am wondering, are all parents likes this? Do they all get to a point when they hate their children? Does there always have to be a sacrificial lamb?
Up until now I have not said anything to her. I just bite my tongue although I have hinted on being a little bit more positive. We’ll see.
Thank you again to everyone. Hugs!
I’m not strictly an adult child. I’m 17, and just about to leave for university.
Since about the age of 3 my mother has on and off bullied me, and the effect it has had and is having on me is horrific.
She can be lovely to me, buying me things, going to the cinema with me, but then she suddenly flips and nothing I do is right. She lies and manipulates, sometimes making up parts of conversations to get my father on side. She does this to him as well at times.
I’m just tired of being called a horrible person, and having offhand comments about me not being any good at things at times she knows I just need encouragement. A lot of the time I know deep down that I am good at them, but never according to her. A few years a go I got a B in Maths. It wasn’t even a final exam, just a Mock, and she told me how awful I was, and that she was so embarrassed she wouldn’t go out that night.
Another thing she does is support me and encourage me in certain things- for example, I’ve been looking at internships in London, something that was possibly her idea- and she said it was great, and yes, absolutely I should try it. However, when we were at a cafe surrounded by people she changed her mind, brought it up out of nowhere and yelled at me, telling me I was stupid and naïve to even consider it.
I’ve tried to stand up to her: I just get more abuse. The only thing that works temporarily is being submissive, apologizing for things I didn’t do or say and staying meek and quiet while she lords over my father and I, often not dropping the subject for a few days, and she finally goes back to being kind for a few weeks. In these weeks I feel bad for thinking of her as a bully, but the fact remains that these are just phases and she turns again soon enough. I hate having to tiptoe around her.
I want to cut her out of my life, but I’ll be financially dependant on her for at least 3 years, and it may mean cutting out my father as well, which I could never do. I don’t want the rest of my family to see me as the bad one, which I would be painted as, because they are so dear to me.
Please, please help me, I don’t know what to do and I can’t deal with this anymore.
I’m comforted after reading the letters in this column. I had a toxic father who would say he loved me ( I was his daughter, so he had to love me, right?)but he never really LIKED me. He was manipulative, vindictive, bullying, and most of all, he was an extremely insecure and unhappy person under it all. My mom and I suffered because of his insecurity, mainly because she and I were not insecure, and we were happy people. He couldn’t stand it. He said unforgivable and uncalled-for things to me as I was growing up, especially when I became interested in boys. It seemed like he just sat and waited for me to shame the family by becoming pregnant, or running off with some unsuitable boy; it wasn’t a question of if I would do it, but when I would do it. He physically punished me by slapping me across the face, something he did on a daily basis, or whenever (in his estimation) I sassed him back. He continued this behavior with me until the end of his life (when he died, he was 70 and I was 50). I never felt more liberated when, for the first time after his death, my husband and I and our adult children were driving back over to his home for a holiday dinner with his wife. I knew I would not be criticized for my appearance, my sons’ behavior, the food that I brought, what I said, my political views, my level of education, etc. What a relief.
I could go on forever, but I will say that I’m now 62 years old, and he has been gone for 12 years; but the hurt is still there, because it is so deep. Thank goodness for my wonderful husband of almost-40 years; he has been my salvation against my horribly toxic dad.
Thanks for reading….
I am also the “victim” of toxic parents. It would take me absolute ages to explain what the situation was while I was still staying at their place. Anyway, I went through a lot of therapy in order to get over the feelings of “abandonment” that I had (and still do). I did stand up to my folks, I did move out and for a while things seemed a bit better. And then I had to make a serious life decision.I was put in a very dangerous situation at work, working alongside corrupted people who embezzled money etc and I was being threatened by them. I had to quit at short notice in order to get out of the situation and obviously faced unemployment. My parents who were aware of the situation for quite some time, didnt support me (emotionally) one bit. On the contrary they were livid that I gave up on “steady” employment. They even went as far as claiming that I was making the situation up, that I would have a grim future, that everybody would laugh at me and that I would turn all other employees into victors while I would be stuck jobless. It hurt like absolute hell knowing that they werent on my side. Although I never asked for any financial support, I run to them for emotional support and found the door bolted. I did quit the job irrespective of this blackmail. They are still not on speaking terms with me and when they do see me they refuse to talk about anything else BUT my failure. I have decided that enough is enough and that I do not have to ask for approval any longer.I feel more free and at peace knowing that I did what was right for my conscience.
It has been great finding this on the internet. I am in the process of trying to move forward from my toxic parents, my mother in particular. I am adopted, so have real difficulty understanding WHY they adopted me in the first place. I believe my mother never bonded with me and thought I was damaged, not worth much from the start. I am 40 now and am tired of all the conversations I have with them in my head, but would never actually say. I have read the book “Toxic Parents” and it is great…am about to write a list of all the negative things that have been said to me over the last 40 years and may then write a letter which is me speaking from the heart. This will not get sent. Then I will take the advice from the book and try to construct the letter that may get sent. I am not sure I am strong enough yet, but am getting there. I would love to be in touch with people who have had similar experiences….live in the UK….any ideas, forums etc???? Please??
The holidays intensify the pain we (especially my husband) feel with our decades long toxic relationship with his mother. She is critical of him in private and in front of the family at gatherings; compares him with his siblings in a negative way, and instantly forgets anything positive that happens to him. She never thanks him for gifts or his many kind deeds to her. How sad that we cannot get along better. He knows she is nearing the end of her lifetime, and I worry that he will feel plagued with guilt for never being able to satisfy her.
I feel for all of your pain. A toxic patent is something that infiltrates every fiber of our lives. But one MUST remember one thing: THE REASON WE ARE STILL ATTACHED IS THAT WE WANT SOMETHING FROM THEM.
You must learn and understand that that you are no longer under their judgement; your an adult and live and breathe the way YOU choose to do so. Attempting to please, wanting validation will only lead to disappointment because whatever you do, whenever you do it, will not be good enough. You will NEVER win. Set your life goals to your own standards; follow through.
Take command of your life. They are not in the driver’s seat. You allow them to do so. Say to yourself, “I am my own person and I shall live as I respectfully want. with or without your consent.” Like Nike says, JUST DO IT!
you guys don’t know what harassment and hard times are. What if your father whom you have always helped and loved went to the funeral home and made his funeral arrangements, and then wrote your name on the arrangements and said to you and I quote, “you couldn’t help me in life, and you couldn’t help me in death. I tried my best to help this stupid old Coot but I am done. I have only seen him 2 times during the last 5 years and really don’t care to see him again. I always hear about black children not having a father but how is that different from a white child that has a father they can no longer be around?
I lived with a severely toxic mother. I was 50 and she was 86. She was sliding into dementia and I did not recognize it. I had lived out many times for different jobs, but I had moved home when I was 42 due to severe mono and pneumonia and commuted to work. My mom took care of me. We were friends for a good part of our lives. But when I was in my late 40’s she needed eye surgery, knee surgery, then she had a TIA. It looked as though she died when she had this TIA at 86 and I freaked as of that time we were best friends. She had had a transient ischemic attack and recovered. But when I was 50 she was slowly sliding into dementia and I did not realize it, it was so slow. It would have been best for both her and I if she had really died when she had the TIA at 86. At that time she was well and at home and we were good friends.
At 50 I had to settle an aunts estate and helped her get into a nursing home. This aunt had always been critical of me. At the same time I was trying to work full time as a teacher, commute 60 miles per day, and get diagnosed an issue of incomplete rectal emptying I had. That made me need to use the bathroom for 2 - 4 hours every morning. I saw 3 colorectal surgeons and had their tests. I was diagnosed with a redundant sigmoid colon and told that I had an internal prolapse and needed it out to cure my problem.
I did this but at the time I did not know the scan upon which surgery was based had been misread by a resident and it was not checked by her teacher. The surgeons (on review saw in surgery my sigmoid colon had not internally prolapsed, removed it anyway, did it wrong, then did not send it to the lab, long story there). I developed a severe narrowing where the 2 ends of my colon had been joined together. Also the surgeons I went to did multiple other unconsented procedures. All the internal scarring shut part of my small intestine resulting in 7 months of small bowel obstructions. I lost 1/4 of my body weight.
Then only 4 months after I had had this surgery mom had some attack and ended up in a nursing home. I was finally relieved of her but only after my own body and life had been ruined. I was down to 99 lbs and was going to die. I had a very hard time finding help as my original surgeon would not deal with any of this. I had to see 11 docs at 7 medical centers nationwide over 13 months before I could get saved the best that could be done. This was extensive cutting of adhesions off my small intestine and a permanent ileostomy (I pass waste out of my small intestine into a bag) and will be lucky if I continue to do so.
I traveled for the next 4 years and hired people to look in on mom at the nursing home. I also visited but on a limited basis as I do not know how long I have to live. May end up being OK, but the possible regrowth of adhesions might give me more small bowel obstructions some day. Plus if I ever need more surgery, the new adhesions could again scar in my small intestine.
Mom passed away Aug. 18 of this year. I was with her on the last day of her life. I was a wreck. I kept telling her this was not the way it was supposed to go. I SHOULD have separated from her so long ago as she and her dementia basically took my life. She was very good to me for much of my life but at times very horrid. The nursing home psychiatrist wrote her up as a narcassist.
My dad had been an abusive alcoholic and mom and I had taken turns rescuing each other from him so we grew close. He tried to kill her but she made him stop drinking and took care of him when he had alzheimers. Mom told me never to have sex because it was awful. My parents marriage was a poor model and I never did get involved romantically because of that. Now I cannot because I have many pelvic injuries from my original surgeons.
I had been in counseling many times and had moved in and out a lot. I think when I was 50 I was in a very childlike role dealing with the aunt who seemingly disliked me and my mom AND trying to deal with my own health issues. What happened to me was like a storm waiting to happen. I was vulnerable, in a child like role, had a health issue, was searching for help. I checked out my surgeons with our state med board and was TOLD they were fine. Long story short on that one they had at the time numerous medmal suits and other patients had died of similar pelvic surgery as they did on me. they are now up to 13 claims with the med board and suits combined. I trusted if any doc was still in practice their records were somewhere near clean. I have learned WAY too much of the medical world and its workings. BUT, without that one doc I would have been left to die, so certainly there are honest docs who really care.
I am using whatever time I have left to be with friends and travel and be free. I still have systemic issues from the year that I was unable to eat and am working with medical people to get those cleared up the best I can.
Because parents live so long these days, we in our 40’s and 50’s need to remind ourselves that we may be on “borrowed time” as well as our elders and we need to first take care of us and put them second even if we are semi-close to them. That was what was hard about my situation. Mom was good to me so much of the time, then this horrid side, THEN the dementia. If it had been all bad I would have left when I was 22 and through college and never come back. If I had done that, I would not have gone the road I did and not be in the place I am.
My advice for anyone growing up now is leave when you are done school and make your own life. I want a do-over in life so bad and that of course cannot happen. Please pray for me and I will pray for all of you. If you are healthy, cherish that. The emotional stuff can be worked through though with difficulty, but if one is physically injured, it is double jeopardy.
Rose
HI,
I’ve recently found out about this Toxic Parents article and I have been reading many other articles regarding this problem. I thought my problem was bad, but after reading stories from others I feel we are all the same. There is no bad, just that I feel that I have had enough of the emotional abuse I’m receiving from my parents who are now in their 60’s. I’m 31 now and still living with my parents and honestly it has been hell. I am my father’s only child and my mother has four older children from her previous marriage. My father still works and my mother stays at home. I mean stay, she really stays in the house. She has no friends and always paranoid of people trying to use her. She is quite racist and hates all my friends who are from different races and religions. My father seemed to have denied all emotional need to me, resort to buying things for me and paying for my education.Money is the only way for him to express his “love” to me.
I am not encouraged to work full time with the reason that no one takes care of my mother. As i have observed in many years, my mother enjoys going to the doctors and health clinics as she is moderately obese, has high blood pressure and has knee issues. What I mean is that she enjoys the attention given by the staff and I eat myself away in the corner. She will tell stories and lies and make me look like I don’t take care of her properly. She complained that I didnt cook for her and when the doctor tells her to exercise, she just laugh and take no serious of how unhealthy and overweight she is! I tried to take her to parks and walks, she gave 101 excuses, I stopped asking her to join me. She has said many hurtful things to me and in a way bullies me emotionally until I wish she just die. I hate saying that but the words that come out from her mouth made me think “I am not looking forward a future my mother”. I want to run away but I know that’s impossible. I just want to live my own life, no matter how uncertain it may seen but I want to do some many things in the future and I just see them bogging me and drowning me with their unresolved issues. I am thinking of sending a letter to my older siblings of my heatbreak and frustrations, my plans and hopes so that I want them to take the responsibility because I am sick of tired of taking care of my mother who appreciates nothing I do for her, and the emotional abuse I’ve been receiving. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but after a while all that luxury seemed like a trap to get me stay with them. I want to change and live my dreams and be a wonderful and happy woman. What I always wanted is to live my life without guilt and shame from my Toxic Parents.
Please any advice and experiences shared is greatly appreciated.
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