We have followed these stories very closely here at BNN. For months we reported what we knew. Much of it was not very good for the Anthony family. They were, and are, maybe the dumbest family in America, but it is only a ‘maybe’, the family of missing tot Haleigh Cummings may have them beat. In fact I am surprised that some enterprising media type has not pushed the idea of a game show ‘America’s Stupidest Family!’.

Of course there are many stupid families, but the Cummings-Croslin’s and the Anthony’s do seem like prime real estate. I can hear the questions now on the new game show. Our Mistress of ceremonies would have to be Nancy Grace.

NG: How many dead children does it take to get on Nancy Grace?

Ronald Cummings hits the win button ‘Miss Nancy, only one’ is his answer.

NG
: How many Foundations do you need to find a missing child”?

Cindy Anthony hits the button. ‘The more foundations the better, we were kinda sorta worried about where next four star meal was coming from, but with all of our sleazy connections, we are doing fine’.

Off Camera: WTF are we going to do, I have an hour long show and no one is pumping my book! Only two callers have told me how wonderful my twins are. Not even Ronald said anything nice, and I made sure that he was dressed well, a shirt that fitted, and a tie that did not upset the camera guy! Hell at this rate I am going to have to do real news! Come on people, lets get behind the project. Push the book, I had the best ‘ghostwriter’, its a cracking read. In retrospect maybe I should had have included a few hundred pictures of the twins. I’ll do that with my next book ‘Assholes Thirteen’, oh damn it, George Clooney has beaten me to the story line.

NG: OK, question number four, Ron, I have the hots for you, thats why I keep eating up air time with you, do you share my feelings?

Um, Miss Nancy, I do have feelings for you, you are the only media person that I want to spend time with. I am wondering if you might have some free time at the weekend to come visit. I am sure that I can get Misty to go on a drug binge. hell, I’ll give her $20. That should be enough for a couple of hits of crack and a bottle of Olde English. Thats the best Malt Liquor you can get in Putnam.

NG:
An open question, who can answer this one. For $1000 who has the best story about stolen checks?

Cindy Anthony leaps in: Well for a $1000 I am prepared to answer that one. My daughter Casey knows all about stolen checks. But, she is innocent! Our independent investigators are on board. Caylee Anthony had nothing to do with it. Oops, I meant my daughter Casey. Stolen checks? What stolen checks? Target should be ashamed of themselves for selling sleazy underwear and beer! George and I don’t have time for underwear and beer. We are way too busy making money.

NG:
Lets head to our other top story, the release of my book. Oops, I meant to say my twins. Oops again I really meant to say Haleigh Cummings. Our original plan was to cover some news, but John Michael, and doesn’t he look cute in this outfit? Anyway, we decided to skillfully avoid news stories, in favor of all of you buying my new book.

NG:
My producers originally wanted to do a very boring show. They wanted to do news! Well I shut that idea down in no time flat.

NG: Bombshell!!!!! the twins have just passed their first solid stools. I will have pictures up and running momentarily. I think that one is bigger than the other, I want my fans, oh the ones who bought my book, to weigh in.

This is Nancy Grace, who once again has skillfully avoided the news. We were going to have a couple of people on that actually had something useful to say, but that would have taken up time for me talking about the twins.

Off Camera
: OK, so you have two people on the story, one knows what is going on, and the other is a few thousand mile away and can’t remember who the people are. Lets go with him. Hell, he might even promote my book on his site!

Simon Barrett

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