Current statistics show that bullying is prevalent – over 50% of kids report being bullied or observing bullying. Bullying by girls is just as prevalent as by boys (although they often use different tactics) and bullying in “good” neighborhoods is just as prevalent as in “bad” ones.
Most parents want to understand why bullies bully, “Is it because bullies have low esteem, or they lust for power or that’s the only way they know how to get control and admiration?” Those parents usually tell their children never to use violence to stop bullies. “Violence never solved anything. Don’t stoop to the bullies’ level.”
Those parents hope that understanding bullies will help them create programs that will rehabilitate bullies. Then their kids will be safe when they’re away from home or when they’re online.
Parents who say those things are the number one risk factor in making their children targets of repeated bullying. Their strategy is based on the false idea that if children love and forgive bullies enough, they’ll melt bullies’ hearts and bullies will stop bullying and become their friends. That strategy rarely stops bullies.
Real bullies won’t stop harassing or abusing our children because they’re nice to them. Ask the peace-loving people of every country run over by colonization or empire building. Ask women who have tried to stop harassment, bullying and abuse at work.
Bullying patterns or coping strategies are usually life-long. Unless they’re stopped, bullying children usually grow up to become bullying adults. They’re bullies in their love lives, they’re parents who bully their children, they’re bullying soccer-parents and they’re bullies at work.
Similarly, bullied kids grow up with low self-esteem and low confidence; they expect to be beaten down – mentally, emotionally and physically – to be taken advantage of, to lose. They become repeat victims.
The number one risk factor in our children’s becoming targets of repeated bullying is not bullies or schools – the number one risk factor is us, the parents of the targets. Bullies have always existed and will always exist, most schools never protected kids and many still won’t.
Take your focus away from psychotherapy of bullies. Focus instead on stopping bullying right now. After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies. As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time. I want to protect target children right now.
In order to protect our children, we, as parents, must change our mindsets and then we must learn skills. We must develop a real-world mindset – that the only way to stop real bullies is to stop them.
In the real world, bullies are predators, like hyenas, looking for the weak and isolated people who don’t know how to protect themselves. Real bullies have a language all their own – they take our children’s kindness, reasonableness or holding back as weakness and a sign of easy prey. Our kids’ weakness brings out the worst in bullies.
A real-world perspective is that it’s more important to stop bullies first; that counseling, therapy and rehabilitation efforts come second. In fact, stopping bullying behavior and having stiff consequences for kids who bully repeatedly is one of the best steps in changing their behavior.
We must teach our children to protect themselves from bullies who haven’t learned impulse control or to use other means to navigate in the world. A few real-world steps are:
- Of course, try ignoring the bully or try peaceful and kindly understanding tactics, but don’t stop there.
- Learn to fight back verbally.
- Have friends who’ll stand with you and come back at the bully.
- Learn to fight back physically – especially boys, but also girls.
- Learn when and how to get school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators involved.
A few real-world tips for parents are:
- Let our children know we’ll protect them. If they’re being bullied, it’s not their fault – they just haven’t learned how to protect themselves. Keep their courage, hope and fighting spirit alive.
- Learn how to force your school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators to protect your kids. Organize a small core group of parents to help the principal create and implement an effective stop-bullying program. Be pro-active. Don’t wait for a bullied kid to commit suicide, get that program going right now!
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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14 users commented in " Stop School Bullies: Parents are the Number One Risk Factor "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a Trackbacki agree with youni always tell my daughter to be nice to e1 but also not to let anyone take advantage or be mean, and in order for it not to happen she has to stand up for herself..it happened 1x in 7th grade hopefully this yr it wont happen at all, she can be shy but shes becoming outgoing witch is good!
I agree with you, Ben. But wouldn’t the lack of attention to this on the part of schools be a close second? And how can schools be influenced to make changes? To bother to “teach” in some way that bullying is wrong?
By “teach” I don’t mean offer classes, although that may not be a bad idea. What I meant was to watch for it and nip it in the bud. Make it as much against school rules as kids talking or texting on their cell phones during class or skipping class etc.
There is a lot of bullying in Elementary School and possibly signs of it in Kindergarten and Preschool. Social Emotional behavior should be taught starting then - and troublemakers identified and “dealt with” - via instruction, discussions with parents, intervention if necessary (therapy). I mean that’s often where it becomes apparent that a child has a speech problem for example.
But children with “behavior” problems are often just kicked out rather than “helped.” Or certain “behaviors” just result in no gold star that week.
Many can be helped if adults would bother to find out why they are behaving the way they are and teach them how to handle their problems and situations in a better way than bullying.
What do you think?
Yes, the lack of administrative response and responsibility is a huge problem. Speak out! I speak from the point of view as a teacher and from a person that sued a school district.
Hi,Lorna!
I don’t know the circumstances of your lawsuit but my impression was that a lot of schools are afraid to take a stand against bullies because the parents of the bullies threaten law suits. That’s not universal of course but happens sometimes.
But it raises a good point. Do - would - law suits against bullying and/or in defense of specific victims help? Or hurt? Lorna, did your law suit help? Gosh knows you must have had to go thru a lot to do that.
Thanks for your comment Anna,
Yes, be nice and stand up for yourself.
“Being kind doesn’t mean one has to be a mat.” Maya Angelou
And I add: Not everyone you befriend will return the compliment. In fact, some people will take your open hand as an invitation to feast on whatever you have.
Hope your daughter is successful.
Best wishes,
Ben
Thanks for your comment, m2c,
In my consulting and coaching experience, the worst problem in schools is principals (administrators, school board members) who won’t stop bullies.
Whether they think:
• Bullying is okay,
• Or they’re uncaring, lazy, cowards,
• Or they care more for the bully’s self-esteem than they do the targets,
• Or they’re afraid of the law suits that bullying parents of bullying kids might bring,
These principals abdicate their responsibility and create environments in which predatory bullies feel free to attack whoever they want.
These principals create islands of fear and pain. They create islands like the one in “Lord of the Flies.”
It takes concerted work by an expert tactician and a small group of active parents to change these principals or get them transferred (they rarely get fired). But at least we can make the rest of the kids safe.
Lorna used one of the approaches that can succeed. Remember, those irresponsible principals are most afraid of two things: publicity and laws suits. I’d rather make them more afraid of parents who want to protect kids from bullies than more afraid of the bullies’ parents – the Lucius Malfoy’s of the world.
Then we can work on to help the bullies learn new strategies.
But in these situations, stopping bullying comes first – not necessarily just throwing them out of school.
Best wishes,
Ben
Hi Lorna,
Good for you!
As difficult as that must have been, it’s often necessary. I often have to coach parents how to move principals to do what they’re being paid for.
As I said to m2c:
In my consulting and coaching experience, the worst problem in schools is principals (administrators, school board members) who won’t stop bullies.
Whether they think:
• Bullying is okay,
• Or they’re uncaring, lazy, cowards,
• Or they care more for the bully’s self-esteem than they do the targets,
• Or they’re afraid of the law suits that bullying parents of bullying kids might bring,
These principals abdicate their responsibility and create environments in which predatory bullies feel free to attack whoever they want.
These principals create islands of fear and pain. They create islands like the one in “Lord of the Flies.”
It takes concerted work by an expert tactician and a small group of active parents to change these principals or get them transferred (they rarely get fired). But at least we can make the rest of the kids safe.
Lorna used one of the approaches that can succeed. Remember, those irresponsible principals are most afraid of two things: publicity and laws suits. I’d rather make them more afraid of parents who want to protect kids from bullies than more afraid of the bullies’ parents – the Lucius Malfoy’s of the world.
Then we can work on to help the bullies learn new strategies.
But in these situations, stopping bullying comes first – not necessarily just throwing them out of school.
Best wishes,
Ben
My son was/is bullied. He is kind, smart, and caring. This is seen as a weakness among boys. I believe that if a child is caught bullying and parents are fined $$ everytime their child bullies, this could be a good start to curbing a bully. If a child is rewarded for telling on a bully it could help facilitate a communication between the victim and a guidance counselor. Our pets are held to stricter public behavior than our children are. If a dog is loose roaming the neighborhood, it is picked up and put in the pound and the owner is fined. If a dog bites someone it may be put down!! And that is just an animal with no conscience. Why can’t we do the same to a bully’s behavior that we do for a pets behavior?
10-9-09
Hi Cathy,
The reason I say that parents are the number one risk factor is that I don’t mean only the parents of the bullies who don’t teach them any better, but also the parents of the targets, who don’t unite and effectively force their school principals to stop bullies.
There are a number of specific tactics in “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.” When you know the three things that principals are most afraid of, you can be effective. And we’ll need laws to protect principals who are willing to confront the bullying parents of bullying kids.
I call it “The Lucius Malfoy” test. Would your principal stand up to Lucius Malfoy?
Start being effective right now. Push the right buttons. Have strength, courage and a good plan.
Best wishes,
Ben
Hello.
I don’t know what to do, I have taken my 13 yr. old son out of the middle school after tring to get the school to do something about this small group of boys that that has been bullying him for yrars now, 2nd grade it started. Today my son was taunted being called a nigger, again, and attacked physacaly by one of the kids. I have been in constant meetings with the princapal, today was my second call to the superintendant this year about the SAME GROUP of kids. My son is not safe in school. I had to take him out, now what do I do? I am also scared because he is not getting an education! He is on a IEP, I am thinking that he would not need this if the constant threat to him bodley and emotionaly was not there…..HELP ME! e-mail slyn61@yahoo.com
Hi slyn61,
I’m sorry that it’s gone on so long.
Talking isn’t enough with people like that. You need a lawyer, good documentation, and national media attention.
Make their lives living hell. Get them to pay for giving your son a good education – but don’t let them be the ones to do the educating. They’re not worthy.
Best wishes,
Ben
[…] Stop School Bullies: Parents are the Number One Risk Factor […]
Why don’t we use the technology that we have in screening the true sociopaths who cannot be rehabilitated from the bullies who can. We’d save a whole load of heartache just with a few well targeted brain scans. I really hope one day we can do this as routine - using this technology employers, teachers and therapists would be able to tell straightaway who the sociopaths are and who the merely troubled ones are.
I have a very simple solution for bullying in the schools. Forget about the psychological counselling and preventive programs for bullies. Bullies are thugs and criminals. Yes, I said it. I do not care about the age of the “child” in question.
The act of bullying is criminal. What do we do with criminals? Yes, we punish them by incarcerating them in jails. This is why we must do to these young miscreants.
Schools should establish a three strikes policy. When a thug child bully commits the egregious act thrice, he/she should be expelled from regular school and be put into a 600 school i.e. school for bullies. However, before the thug is expelled, establish a paper trial on him/her and make this part of a permanent record. If the thug child continues to bully at the 600 school, permanently expelled him/her and put him/her into a work program. There is work to be done i.e. cleaning parks and related duties.
In addition to that, separate the thug from his/her family and put him/her in a juvenile institution or if he/she is old enough, jail. Now, that will deter future thug/bully aspirants from ever harming innocent, beautiful children. I detest bullies and believe that they should be imprisoned no matter what their respective ages are. Do the crime, do the time.
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