In his article in the Costco Connections, “Stop Hassling Me: Breaking the Cycle of Bullying,” Steve Fisher quotes Psychologist Izzy Kalman as saying:
- “School anti-bullying programs don’t work.”
- “I hate referring to kids as bullies.”
- “Be nice to kids when they’re mean to you and before long they will stop being mean. This is known as the Golden Rule and is the solution to bullying.”
- “Don’t tell on kids who upset you.”
- “Don’t get angry at kids who upset you. Make it clear that they can insult you all they want and it doesn’t bother you. After a few days they will stop.”
- “If kids bring you nasty rumors, don’t defend yourself.”
- “If a kid hits you and you’re not hurt, act like nothing happened. If they keep hitting or pushing you, ask them calmly, ‘Are you mad at me?’ If they aren’t, they’ll stop hitting you. If they are angry, they’ll tell you why. You can discuss the matter, apologize if appropriate and they will also stop hitting you.”
Dr. Kalman doesn’t work with the targets of real-world school bullies. His advice is great for the targets of nice kids who are bullying one time because they’re having a bad day.
But real-world school bullies will be delighted by kids making Dr. Kalman’s responses. Real-world bullies are relentless predators who look for weak and isolated prey. You can’t stop real-world bullies by being nice, understanding, kind and rational, with the Golden Rule. Real-world bullies take your use of the Golden Rule as a sign of weakness and an invitation to bully you more. Real bullies don’t have the empathy to stop abusing you because your feelings are hurt or because you’re a caring little saint.
Also, many school stop-bullying programs are effective when they’re based on real-world solutions, backed by strong principals, teachers and parents. And labeling bullies and bullying as “bullies” and “bullying” is a necessary component of successful programs.
How do I know this; check your own experience. Ask yourself about the kids you saw who were nice, but had one grumpy day versus the kids you saw who were relentless bullies. What stopped the relentless bullies?
My personal and professional experience and the experience of almost everyone who comments on articles and blogs is the same: The only way to stop bullies is to stop them. That may mean that the authorities recognize them and stop them or get rid of them. Or that may mean that you get more and more firm until they quit. This may mean, eventually beating them up. Relentless bullies will show you how far you have to go in order to stop them.
Although Dr. Kalman’s suggestions are directed at bullies in school, how many of you have seen his suggestions as successful in stopping the real bullies at work? Again, all the lawsuits and comments about workplace bullies show that real bullies are relentless and don’t stop when you’re nice, kind, understanding and reasonable.
After bullies are stopped or removed, then you can work on their therapy and rehabilitation. But I wouldn’t want my kids to be victimized while we wait for the bullies to become nice citizens.
The other expert in the article, Barbara Coloroso, author of “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander,” on the other hand, has much right, but she also makes a common mistake when she advises, “Don’t tell your child to fight back.”
Sometimes, fighting back is the only language a bully understands. And your suspension from school is worth stopping a bully. The same applies at work, where fighting back usually means a law suit backed by great documentation.
Resource Cited: http://www.costcoconnection.com/connection/200908/?pg=36
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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14 users commented in " You Can’t Stop Real Bullies by the Golden Rule "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackWell, I’m not very interested in reading Steve Fisher’s article if he quotes something as stupid as what Izzy “I never leave my office. I only see patients when they are lying on a couch.” Kalman says. Why quote someone who does not know what they are talking about?
Maybe Izzy needs to experience some bullying and try out his own theories. I’m quite sure he’ll need a shrink of his own and some first aid - at the very least. Why perpetuate the WRONG answers, Mr Fisher???
Well said, Ben. Kalman’s ‘rules’ are a Victim’s Charter, plain and simple.
I spent all my school life being bullied — I was too dumb to realise I ought to hide my cleverness *SIGH* — and the only thing that ever worked was scaring them off. That almost always required hitting back, and looking like a mad bastard in the process.
Sucking it up and being nice about it just makes the bully worse.
This kind of advice makes my blood boil. It’s the sort of nonsense that breeds teen suicides.
Exactly, Ghostwoods, and it also shifts the blame on to the victim. Dr. Idiot, I mean, Izzy, is saying that if the victim handled it right (by not handling it!) that the bullying would stop. The blame needs to stay ON the bully and all those people who enable him or her by ignoring bullying, denying that it happens, not protecting victims and refusing to hold the bully accountable and punishing them (and RE-educating them to NOT bully anyone ever again).
Hi Ghostwoods,
I’m sorry you didn’t get good advice to honor who you were and what you had to learn the hard way.
Yes, often the only way to stop bullies is to beat them up and scare them with the “mad bastard” tactic. Since I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid, I used the same tactic.
Only, I knew I was doing good and the success changed my life – I learned I could succeed in the face of scary challenges.
And I got encouraged for being a smart kid. And I knew I was okay and they were jerks and (fill in the blank).
I knew that they weren’t “my people” and when I grew up I wouldn’t have anything to do with people like them.
Minimizing, excusing, explaining, justifying, appeasement, begging and bribery do not stop real bullies. Never have. The supposedly educated people have been taught completely wrong and we and our children suffer for it.
Good for you,
Ben
Hi m2c,
Right on as usual.
As I said to Ghostwoods:
“I’m sorry you didn’t get good advice to honor who you were and what you had to learn the hard way.
Yes, often the only way to stop bullies is to beat them up and scare them with the “mad bastard” tactic. Since I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid, I used the same tactic.
Only, I knew I was doing good and the success changed my life – I learned I could succeed in the face of scary challenges.
And I got encouraged for being a smart kid. And I knew I was okay and they were jerks and (fill in the blank).
I knew that they weren’t “my people” and when I grew up I wouldn’t have anything to do with people like them.
Minimizing, excusing, explaining, justifying, appeasement, begging and bribery do not stop real bullies. Never have. The supposedly educated people have been taught completely wrong and we and our children suffer for it.
Good for you,
Ben”
And you too, m2c
I never knew I was a victim of bullying until I read a book about bullying. Before that, I handled bullying the way Izzy Kalman would’ve told me, “turning the other cheek” (thought they would’ve liked me better), “taking responsiblity,” (never thought it was their fault), “not tattling” (in an attempt to make them like me more) “turning bullies to buddies” (never happened, though I practically worshipped them and treated myself like a slave)and applying The Golden Rule (to everyone but myself). When I found out how jaded my life was I had a long talk with my Dad, who thought me the good-old-give’em-a-punch method, saying that violence could be physical or verbal and the only thing you could do about it is to defend yourself. And more than Kalman’s “be a victim and not knowing it” method, it worked….instantly.
Thanks for the wise feedback Kacie,
I wish more people were willing to use the method you did. It works more than the other methods. Sometimes, the only way to stop bullies is to stop them!
See “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” for other examples.
Best wishes,
Ben
I’m glad this dude wasn’t my school counselor, when I was in school and being tormented daily. Somehow, I miraculously made it through that without beating the living daylights out of anyone. If I had encountered him, I probably wouldn’t be able to say that.
I tried the “ignore them” route for about a week. I felt like the weakest, most pathetic piece of trash ever, and like I deserved every single thing the bullies said, if I wasn’t going to do anything about it. Needless to say, I never “just ignored it” again. I probably would’ve killed myself long ago, if I had followed the advice of people like him.
(By the way, the way I eventually got it to stop was just leaving. They can say they chased me away, if they want. Obviously, if I had cared what they thought, I would have just given in and done what they wanted. I prefer to think of it as escaping a war-zone.)
I have been bullied all my life. In school, my family, my community, my church, etc. This kind of abuse does NOT stop, unless possibly the supervisors, leaders, parents, church authorities, police and courts put a stop to it. I am justify ably angry when I hear another person (teen) committed SUICIDE, due to an AUTHORITY figure in the institution NOT taking charge and enforcing it IMMEDIATELY by banning the BULLY from the place. However, my study on BULLYING explains why Bullies BULLY. They need help too. Bullies bully due to their own fear and insecurity of losing power and control in a setting or situation. They are petrified that they will lose their identity/control over others. This is their security and identifies who they are. They use their anger,fears, insecurities and bullying mannerisms to harass others and knock them down (physically, emotionally, undermining every positive thing someone else does). The bullies feel threatened by someone else coming in with usually leadership abilities and talents that will take the attention off of them and put it on the other more possibly talented leader (student, co-worker, leader,..) So they in turn, will cut down, intimidate, harass, have others harass, minimize, have authority figures take their side, intimidate AUTHORITY FIGURES into taking their side for some undisclosed fear of the outcomes if they take the side of the one bullied.
I have lost jobs/careers, opportunities, leadership positions in both school settings, in the community,volunteer settings,…..due to BULLYING. When going through the “chain of command”–they REFUSE to do anything. Instead I got kicked out of the agency. The BULLY also got others involved in his tactics in which 10 or more people got involved. They vandalized my property in which I have proof. As a result I contacted Police, who refused to even take a report and referred me back to the supervisors of the agency, who already refused to do anything. The bully is still in the agency and I have been banned and I am being treated as a criminal when others see me at various other agency conventions outside but connected with this agency. Our Government funds this agency and others with our TAXES. The SECURITY guard was part of the BULLYING, they refused to help since they are only here for the staff not the clients/members, I have been told and confirmed by the staff.
This is a crime in America and UNFAIR. We need a law in America and the POLICE in all vicinities NEED to ENFORCE it AND the BULLIES need to be accountable for their actions and pay restitution for DAMAGES they have committed and they also need help in addressing their ANGER problems and find healthy ways of getting over their own issues by making them pro-active to get rid of their anger through moving their muscles and work, journaling, talking about issues and helping others with a strong mentor closely monitoring them. They need to pro-actively write letters of remorse to their victims (still alive) and their families of the victims that have committed suicide because of the bullying they have committed. They have not only killed a life, but they also killed this person’s entire history of what this person could have become and what they would have had a chance to contribute to life if they were still alive. Restitution and making amends also will help the BULLY in the long run. This act of making amends frees the BULLY also. The Families of the Victims Need to be able to Forgive in order to be set free and receive forgiveness from God since He forgave us.
Thank God someone is speaking out against Kalman’s idiotic rantings. He clearly does not understand real bullying. Some might say, his ideas aren’t even worth while commenting on - I disagree. I live in what I will call a Post Phoebe Prince/Carl Hoover Walker Massachusetts. Kalman’s name has been tossed out as a resource here in Massachusetts by a newspaper writer. his is an extrordianrily dangerous time to bring up his name. Wounds are fresh and the topic is bringing about the kind of change he would love to squash. More people need to criticize his work and on a bigger scale. My sense is that he is a charasmatic speaker - and tht is not always a complement - and he essentially bullies listeners into “converting” (as he puts it) to his way of thinking. Teaching kids how to stand up for themselves is one thing - doing it in the ways he suggests is just plain dangerous. And I won’t even get into his use of religion to defend bullies actions. just plain sick and an incredible twisted use of biblical teachings.
Real bullies don’t stop unless they are separated from their audience for whom they present, or until the hazards of bullying are larger than the motivation not to.
For real bullies learn early that bullying is currency used to create power, and satisfy ego they so desperately need to be inflated in order to feel special among peers they wish to impress/conquer.
Bullying is not about innocent teasing; it is a viscious and arbitrary process of using others for personal benefit and adoration. Disguised bullying rarely works after the first few times unless peers practice willful blindness, or participate in the charade to engender favoritism or social elevation by the one(s) who use the method to survive or get ahead.
It isn’t that niceness doesn’t work with a bully; it is that the bully cannot afford to allow it to work for the bullying scheme is based upon the currency of favoritism, and operates in that fashion to heighten or diminish self esteem of the bully and the others condoning it.
To the first blogger who wrote “Why quote someone who does not know what they are talking about?” - in part, I agree, lets not give him any more acknowledgement than necessary. Yet, he is getting acknowledgement. Lots of it. And the average Joe working to hire a speaker on the topic of bullying for their school is being sucked in and hiring him.
I live in Western Massachusetts, a few miles from where Phoebe Prince took her life. It shocked most, but not me. I think you all can presume why. Kalmann’s mane (oh my God, ha ha, what a typo)…Kalmann’s name appeared in our local papers as a credible resource to help our community through this tragic time. Googling his name, I got sick to my stomach. 15,000+ references to his work, most of which support it in some fashion. I found myself desperate to find someone, somewhere that had the brains to question his s**t. I finally happened upon this site. My muscles can finally relax a bit.
How do we get the word out? How do we get it beyond this blog? I, personally, wrote a letter to my local paper that shed a little light on his theories. The anger then pressed me to meet with the newspaper editor and start an article series that addresses the concept of fostering respect. This week, I am enrolled in a writing institute where I will polish a short story which I hope will be used in local high school classrooms to get conversations started.
What else can we do? What can each of you do? How do we get people to see the realities behind Kalmann’s amazing and alluring smoke and mirrors trap? Lure the public in with enticing words like Bullies 2 Buddies and golden rules, then spin doctor your venomous words into something that appears to be a quick easy solution but is really a psychological gas chamber. I don’t use this reference lightly–ironically, then again maybe not, his parents are holocaust survivors.
He is a charismatic speaker (that isn’t always a compliment) with an unbelievably huge chip on the shoulder hiding under his tweed jacket. As angry as I feel, I also feel a little sorry for him. He shouldn’t be a psychologist, he should see one.
Ben, my boy, I’d love to chat.
Yup, bullies are vicious. In my experience of being bullied right through my life similar to others, in various settings, I have found that being nice to a bully is giving them the green light to carry on. They’re vicious even years later. I recently got back in touch with my first school bully (age
I guess in an attempt to bury the hatchet so to speak. We are now grown women in our 30s and she still took pleasure in mocking me publicly or ignoring me when I contacted her. So now I ignore her - it’s best. They never change!
Kalmann is talking crap, quite frankly….
Forgot to mention - same thing with workplace bullies. No matter how much I tried to ‘connect’ with them, develop some sort of ‘buddy’ thing with them it didn’t work. They simply rebuffed my attempts to be friends and kept me at arms length. These people are psychopaths - they have no feelings. They have zero interest in being friends with anyone, much less a person their egos are so threatened by they feel the need to bully. People are objects to them. Most of the bullies we have met will have been psychopaths/sociopaths. There are more of them in the world than there are anorexics according to Martha Stout!
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