In his article in the Costco Connections, “Stop Hassling Me: Breaking the Cycle of Bullying,” Steve Fisher quotes Psychologist Izzy Kalman as saying:
- “School anti-bullying programs don’t work.”
- “I hate referring to kids as bullies.”
- “Be nice to kids when they’re mean to you and before long they will stop being mean. This is known as the Golden Rule and is the solution to bullying.”
- “Don’t tell on kids who upset you.”
- “Don’t get angry at kids who upset you. Make it clear that they can insult you all they want and it doesn’t bother you. After a few days they will stop.”
- “If kids bring you nasty rumors, don’t defend yourself.”
- “If a kid hits you and you’re not hurt, act like nothing happened. If they keep hitting or pushing you, ask them calmly, ‘Are you mad at me?’ If they aren’t, they’ll stop hitting you. If they are angry, they’ll tell you why. You can discuss the matter, apologize if appropriate and they will also stop hitting you.”
Dr. Kalman doesn’t work with the targets of real-world school bullies. His advice is great for the targets of nice kids who are bullying one time because they’re having a bad day.
But real-world school bullies will be delighted by kids making Dr. Kalman’s responses. Real-world bullies are relentless predators who look for weak and isolated prey. You can’t stop real-world bullies by being nice, understanding, kind and rational, with the Golden Rule. Real-world bullies take your use of the Golden Rule as a sign of weakness and an invitation to bully you more. Real bullies don’t have the empathy to stop abusing you because your feelings are hurt or because you’re a caring little saint.
Also, many school stop-bullying programs are effective when they’re based on real-world solutions, backed by strong principals, teachers and parents. And labeling bullies and bullying as “bullies” and “bullying” is a necessary component of successful programs.
How do I know this; check your own experience. Ask yourself about the kids you saw who were nice, but had one grumpy day versus the kids you saw who were relentless bullies. What stopped the relentless bullies?
My personal and professional experience and the experience of almost everyone who comments on articles and blogs is the same: The only way to stop bullies is to stop them. That may mean that the authorities recognize them and stop them or get rid of them. Or that may mean that you get more and more firm until they quit. This may mean, eventually beating them up. Relentless bullies will show you how far you have to go in order to stop them.
Although Dr. Kalman’s suggestions are directed at bullies in school, how many of you have seen his suggestions as successful in stopping the real bullies at work? Again, all the lawsuits and comments about workplace bullies show that real bullies are relentless and don’t stop when you’re nice, kind, understanding and reasonable.
After bullies are stopped or removed, then you can work on their therapy and rehabilitation. But I wouldn’t want my kids to be victimized while we wait for the bullies to become nice citizens.
The other expert in the article, Barbara Coloroso, author of “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander,” on the other hand, has much right, but she also makes a common mistake when she advises, “Don’t tell your child to fight back.”
Sometimes, fighting back is the only language a bully understands. And your suspension from school is worth stopping a bully. The same applies at work, where fighting back usually means a law suit backed by great documentation.
Resource Cited: http://www.costcoconnection.com/connection/200908/?pg=36
Ben Leichtling, Ph.D. is author of the books and CDs “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and “Eliminate the High cost of Low Attitudes.” He is available for coaching, consulting and speaking. To find practical, real-world tactics to stop bullies and bullying at home, school, work and in relationships, see his web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com) and blog (http://www.BulliesBeGoneBlog.com).
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6 users commented in " You Can’t Stop Real Bullies by the Golden Rule "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackWell, I’m not very interested in reading Steve Fisher’s article if he quotes something as stupid as what Izzy “I never leave my office. I only see patients when they are lying on a couch.” Kalman says. Why quote someone who does not know what they are talking about?
Maybe Izzy needs to experience some bullying and try out his own theories. I’m quite sure he’ll need a shrink of his own and some first aid - at the very least. Why perpetuate the WRONG answers, Mr Fisher???
Well said, Ben. Kalman’s ‘rules’ are a Victim’s Charter, plain and simple.
I spent all my school life being bullied — I was too dumb to realise I ought to hide my cleverness *SIGH* — and the only thing that ever worked was scaring them off. That almost always required hitting back, and looking like a mad bastard in the process.
Sucking it up and being nice about it just makes the bully worse.
This kind of advice makes my blood boil. It’s the sort of nonsense that breeds teen suicides.
Exactly, Ghostwoods, and it also shifts the blame on to the victim. Dr. Idiot, I mean, Izzy, is saying that if the victim handled it right (by not handling it!) that the bullying would stop. The blame needs to stay ON the bully and all those people who enable him or her by ignoring bullying, denying that it happens, not protecting victims and refusing to hold the bully accountable and punishing them (and RE-educating them to NOT bully anyone ever again).
Hi Ghostwoods,
I’m sorry you didn’t get good advice to honor who you were and what you had to learn the hard way.
Yes, often the only way to stop bullies is to beat them up and scare them with the “mad bastard” tactic. Since I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid, I used the same tactic.
Only, I knew I was doing good and the success changed my life – I learned I could succeed in the face of scary challenges.
And I got encouraged for being a smart kid. And I knew I was okay and they were jerks and (fill in the blank).
I knew that they weren’t “my people” and when I grew up I wouldn’t have anything to do with people like them.
Minimizing, excusing, explaining, justifying, appeasement, begging and bribery do not stop real bullies. Never have. The supposedly educated people have been taught completely wrong and we and our children suffer for it.
Good for you,
Ben
Hi m2c,
Right on as usual.
As I said to Ghostwoods:
“I’m sorry you didn’t get good advice to honor who you were and what you had to learn the hard way.
Yes, often the only way to stop bullies is to beat them up and scare them with the “mad bastard” tactic. Since I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid, I used the same tactic.
Only, I knew I was doing good and the success changed my life – I learned I could succeed in the face of scary challenges.
And I got encouraged for being a smart kid. And I knew I was okay and they were jerks and (fill in the blank).
I knew that they weren’t “my people” and when I grew up I wouldn’t have anything to do with people like them.
Minimizing, excusing, explaining, justifying, appeasement, begging and bribery do not stop real bullies. Never have. The supposedly educated people have been taught completely wrong and we and our children suffer for it.
Good for you,
Ben”
And you too, m2c
I never knew I was a victim of bullying until I read a book about bullying. Before that, I handled bullying the way Izzy Kalman would’ve told me, “turning the other cheek” (thought they would’ve liked me better), “taking responsiblity,” (never thought it was their fault), “not tattling” (in an attempt to make them like me more) “turning bullies to buddies” (never happened, though I practically worshipped them and treated myself like a slave)and applying The Golden Rule (to everyone but myself). When I found out how jaded my life was I had a long talk with my Dad, who thought me the good-old-give’em-a-punch method, saying that violence could be physical or verbal and the only thing you could do about it is to defend yourself. And more than Kalman’s “be a victim and not knowing it” method, it worked….instantly.
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